Let my lifesong sing to You.

First and foremost, wanna wish Esther Wong and Jeremy a happy marraige.. may the Lord watch over this precious couple.. i attended their wedding today... woo.. esther wong so pretty... haiz... next is Jiawen le.. all my good good sisters all going to other regions.. one go yishun, one go seng kang.. so far man.. i will miss their presence and their companionship sooooo much.....

Yesterday had net group meeting in the afternoon.. then went shopping for Jaleen's bday present and esther's wedding card... then we sat down for a light tea.. light but really sinful.. we had some snacks at KFC... *drool*
then guess where we went after that.. ? KBOX AGAIN.... had a really great time singing and fellowshipping.. there was one thing i wasn't really please with that night.. i am so worried that i will become a stumbling block to my members..

Anyways.. today i woke up at 10plus.. got woken up by von.. haha.. we two talk on the phone for very long just to decide whether to wear skirt... haha so lame.. in the end we wore... today i broke a record.. you noe wat? i spent the most money in my life on cabbing in a single day.. my goooooodness....i am broke liao... haha

After esther's wedding, i got this migraine attack.. pain like siao.. spoiled my mood totally.. on the cab i was like.. half dead.. in my mind i was thinking "aiyo uncle, can drive faster a bit? my headache is killing me.." once i reached home, i collapsed on my bed and fell into deeep sleep.. zzzzzz.. i was feeling better when i woke up.. thank God man.. if not i cannot update blog.. =P hahahahaha....

My current thoughts:
erm... i feel that i cannot treat that nothing has happened and start a friendship all over again.. it's not that i am angry, or frustrated..i just feel very empty.. and unnatural.. i dunno wat to address her as.. seriously... haiz... God.. please enlighten me and grant me peace.. should i tell her?

Callista wrote;
9:02 PM

i always have to learn things the hard way... in every aspects.. sometimes i ask God why... but ultimately, the fruit of every lesson learnt is growth, strenthening, love, peace and joy..

the scars left behind from all the falling remain there for good...
to remind me of who i am without God..

Callista wrote;
1:03 PM

hmm... i am feeling so weird.. becos i dunno how to feel towards this issue in my heart..things are resolved and i am excited to see new beginnings, but yet all that is in front of me seems so foggy.. in my mind i am thinking "what's next?" ...

wat comes after "starting all over again with God" ? i cannot bring myself to feel the way i used to feel about things and people.. i am still not used to me feeling this way... things changes.. me too

I will not turn back ever again. i am out of the wilderness.. after soooo many years... no way i am going back in there.. (sorry, pardon my language) it sucks in there.. like living hell.. yet now when i am out, i feel like as if i am wearing a pair of brand new shoes that are yet to be seasoned.. so stiff.. many thoughts in me are contradicting each other.. my old self and my new self are at war... i really need to completely move on.. that i need God's help.. i can never achieve that on my own.. i claim that breakthrough by faith!

i died three weeks ago

Callista wrote;
2:47 PM

hmm.. another week has passed...
today i woke up super early for the "slacker standard" ... i woke up at 7:30am.. becos i got to reach SGH for physiotherapy at 8:45am.. tiring.. but good.. becos patients in the earlier slots gets more attention from the therapists as they are less busy in the morning.. i managed to clear all my doubts of my neck.. (i hope i didn't miss out any =P).. guess wat.. after not doing traction for a few weeks.. my therapist decided i should go back on the traction treatment.. good thing or bad.. i dunno.. i visited monica after therapy.. she is improving.. praise the LOrd for that.... and guess wat happened at SGH?

something terrible.... ....

really very terrible.... ........... ........
the housemen canteen was on fire.. flames swallowing part of the roof... thank God the fire fighters came very soon and got everything under control!! *salute*

my current thoughts:
i am trying to learn not to be over-dependant on some friends around me.. becos if they suddenly have to leave for one reason or another, i will feel so lost.. it's not that i don't need friends.. i need them but i need God more.. i need time to learn to talk to God more than i have before.. i need some time to learn how to maintain a friendship well.. balancing it well with my relationship with God.. i need some time to find out and discover by myself the things that are trapping me in this little "wilderness".. i have already found some though.. so, for those who think that i am closing up or trying to be in this little world of mine.. i am not.. you have really misunderstood me.. i just need time to deal with things between myself and God first.. please please try to see where i am coming from.. though you may not agree with wat i am doing k?

I want to be able to say and mean it deep down from my heart one day, " Lord, you are everything to me.. though my world may fall, i still have You.. And You are indeed my best friend, Jesus." many times i sing those words.. but how many times have my actions and thoughts gone against the words i sang out loud to God? Callista, you have to change... just be willing and let God change you...

Callista wrote;
5:11 PM

why does my neck aches at the wrong time always... just now at the altar, it ached so badly that i have to return to my seat.. sian half... but i had a good time talking to god.. telling Him how i really felt inside.. the things that only He knows.. I felt so much better after responding to the altar call.. God spoke some comforting words over me.. I love You so much, Jesus.. with all my heart..

i need to start thinking positively.. i am not going to let those negative thoughts pull me down!! May God strengthen me.. Da jie is changing region at the end of the year.. so many people leaving my region.. Jiawen, Esther wong, and now Da jie.. those are people that are so dear to me.. without these three wonderful sisters, i will not be who i am today... sob sob... I really hope we can still see each other often... haha.. which is almost impossible.. haiz.. i dunno how i should feel.. so mixed.. i am happy that they are entering into a new phase of life.. for Jiawen and Esther: Marraige.. For Da jie: a whole new neighbourhood, a new region at church, woo.. and the luxury of staying so near to her workplace.. sometimes i wonder why does God have to "remove" those people from me.. But i noe it's all for my own good.. God noes me the best.. and He noes what's best for me.. i need to start learning to share to God more.. even before i share with friends... God will get it first.. haha.. all my complains and sobbing... also the moments of joy.. Cheers, Father... i will miss you all so much..*i am really crying now* *tear drop* *hugs*

sisters forever! i will never forget you all.. and dun you all forget me k?

Callista wrote;
10:55 PM

I was thinking to myself while i was typing my last post, wat if my dad has changed his mind about me buying a bicycle? becos i prayed.. and thought thru it.. so... i decided to ask him by faith.. before dinner........
Me: pa, if i happen to buy a bike, can i put it at that corner? *i point to an empty space in my house just enough for my bike*
Dad: why leh? why want a bike for wat?
Me: *deep inside me i thought : i thought i told you before already?* becos it's very expensive for me to travel by bus to places that are just a few bus stops away.. so cycling will be a good mode of transport
Dad: then just get a simple one.. becos ugly bike then no one will steal if you park outside.
Me: huh? so you want me to go to the shop owner and say "eh, i want a not so good bike. and ugly one better. becos no one will steal."
Dad: *speechless* aiyah..later we go downstairs and see lah..

then we went downstairs for dinner.. and after that.. i told my dad i need to withdraw money for the bike. then when i reach the atm, he actually passed me his atm card and say.. "nah, withdraw $300" .... you should see my face then... i was beaming!! thank you pa for the wonderful gift.. i know you love me.. i will take good care of the bike.. muacks..

Callista wrote;
9:17 PM

it's saturday!!
time flies man.. another week's gone!!
i want to play basketball!!!!!! But cannot..
all you ppl who can exercise better exercise lor..
i want also cannot wor!!
i am trying so hard to be patient with my neck..
running out of patience already..
need God to top that up for me...

yay.. now my block got lift at every level.. after so many months of unbearable music and the free gifts (dust) they gave.. it's finally completed!!i dun have to worry if i get a bicycle i got no strength to carry liao! the only problem left is to get permission from my dad.. sians.. he say it takes up lotsa of space.. tell you hor, his rubbish takes up even more space!! he brought back 2 televisions from his office and one cabinet lor!! all of that we already have !! pa, please stop bring things back lah.. leave some space for my bicycle nehx... i am not even expecting you to pay for it, you noe....

i read an old friend's blog recently.. we used to be very close friends.. then he suddenly closed up to many of us due to the many trials he went thru.. i wish i can be there to help him.. but he refused to be helped.. he made it impossible for many to step into his little world.. the only thing i can do is to watch from afar and pray.. take care bro... I'll be praying for you.. many of your friends are doing so too..

yesterday me, meijin and nic when to do handbilling.. so fun.. we mangaed to do 4 blocks.. haha.. had fun playing with the lift.. and some freaking cats and dogs incidents!! haha.. lazy to type le.. my necks hurts.. haha gtg..

*do you really care?, if you do, show it..*

Callista wrote;
10:38 AM

CAN'T STAND THE WEATHER!!!! IT'S SUUUPER DUUUPER HOT!!!!

Went for the leaders' meeting last nite.. I told God before i went " i forgo my meeting with my friends to come for this.. it must be good K?" haha.. yup.. God is faithful.. He never fails to bless his children.. it's about how much we want from him.. we dun have becos we didn't ask!! pastor miguel prayed for a passion for the lost to be in us.. He prayed that our hearts will be broken for the lost each day.. at the altar, i began to wept.. God brought me to the houses of the fatherless.. God brought me into houses where there's so much loneliness.. He brought me into the houses of emptiness.. my heart broke..

i went swimming yesterday! and guess wat.. I cannot swim! it's not that i dunno how to.. my neck , arm and shoulders begin to ache after two laps! two miserable laps!!! how pathetic can it get?! and i just pray lor, "God, should i go on? should i try just one more lap?" His answer came really fast... at one moment the sun was shining brightly in the sky.. in last than a minute, the sky turn grey and it started to rain so heavily! i knew that rain was meant to drive me out of the pool.. you noe why? becos once i step into the toilet and start bathing, the rain stopped!! God ah... You know me so well.. becos if You dun do that.. i would have continued swimming.. and my shoulders would have ache worst than it is aching now....

i cannot go on liao.. very very very sore.... tata

Callista wrote;
1:54 PM

saw a bicycle downstairs.. $169.. quite good.. only thing i haven't check is its weight.. dun want too heavy de... dunno whether i should buy.. i think i need a bicycle man... becos now i take bus very expensive wor.. no longer is the student price.. so can travel using bicycle to nearby places.. it's also a form of exercise mah....

i eating lunch now.. handmade noodles.. one of my all time favourites..!! later i want to go swimming.. didn;t get to swim on tues becos i thought it was going to rain.. then in the end only drizzle for a while.. by then, i have already changed my mind...the weather looks good today.. hopefully it doesn't change.. even if i cannot swim, i will tan!! haha...

Callista wrote;
12:11 PM

you noe hor... i got stucked in the lift yesterday leh... the stupid lift lah.. i press the "11" button.. then i started moving.. then suddenly... it stopped!! but thank God got my hp got reception.. then i call the number on the notice in the lift saying "in case of lift breakdown, please called xxxxxxxxxxxx" haha... then i call a few people cos i was so bored in the lift.. but i wasn't afraid at all!! becos i know God is with me.. thank You,Lord for being there...

i rented 3vcds to kill time... watched two liao.. left one.. pride and prejudice is a nice show with very "chim" english!! haha... so those england very powderful one hor.. dun waste your money lah.. haha.. i think i am talking about myself!! luckily got chinese subtitles!! =P

God, sing over me the song of Your plans for me again... bring me back to the nite when you sang over me.. i long to hear Your voice.. i long to dance with You, my Lord.. once again Lord..

Callista wrote;
1:12 PM

I HATE LEG CRAMPS!!!! ESPECIALLY AT THE CALF!!! HURTS BIG TIME!!

early this morning.... 5:43am... i was woken up by this really bad leg cramp at my left calf.. i didn't even exercise lately.. no vigorous exercise or watsoever!! why on earth it cramped up so badly... i was in pain for about 15minutes lor.. cannot even stand properly... then finally when i could stand, i stood up to stretch it!! sooo "suan" lor.. until now still suan.... sian....

woolala.. can sleep till late late again!! can do the things i like all day long!! no longer have to do things to please someone you call "boss"!! yay!! today i am going to do some household chores.. clean up my house a bit.. then i want to go swimming.. want to see how much i can do.. i promise i will go slow.. and listen to my body.. and check if my neck screams at me!! after swimming, i want to go see bicycles.. budget.. then get a bike!! rite! got my day all planned out!

my friend asked me whether i feel lonely when i am alone at home.. if it was last time, i bet i would say yes!! but now, after working full time, being deprived of the time to do your own things, i begin to really appreciate the time i can spend alone.. doing things of my own.. pleasing no one!! and can talk to God about very little things i do.. (aloud!) haha.. if i do that outside , ppl will think i am crazy...

ait, will stop here.. need to go do the auntie stuff!! clean my house!!!! haiz.. my neck hurts though.. from all the sitting yesterday... shoulder hurts too! God, you are going to heal me.. and i believe..

Callista wrote;
12:25 PM

Breakthroughs.... it's about being totally transformed.. it's about never going back to your old self.. it's about taking steps into a whole new dimension of life.. if you have a mindset that never looks back.. every setback becomes a spring-board that propels you toward your goal..

We cannot remain complacent.. we can not be contented with God.. There must be more than this! press on toward the prize that God have for you!!

At the altar...
i told God that nothing on this earth satisfy me..
not the love of man, not the love of anyone around me..
not the salary that i get at the end of every month..
not the praises of man
not all the material possessions i have..
nothing! nothing will do!
"it's all a chasing after the wind" said Solomon

Jesus,You're all i need.. You're all i ever wanted..
I love you with all my heart, with all i am..

Callista wrote;
9:01 PM

i left the clinic.. wanted to leave since the beginning of this month. i felt that i need a part time job more because school is starting soon liao.. and plus the condition of my neck.. can't really do much over there.. today marks a new beginning of my life.. entering into another phase of life.. i will not forget the things i have picked up from there.. thank you all for teaching me so many things..

there are things i have to learn. On one hand i am trying hard not to be a man pleaser. On the other hand, i can't help but say that the working world is all about pleasing your boss, so that you can ensure you bring some money home at the end of the month. at least this is wat i am seeing now. this is so real. once you dun meet expectations.. minus points... i guess i will never enjoy working till the day i am doing something that i really love and am really passionate about.. and maybe that will come after i graduate.. wat ever it is, i will leave that in God's hand..

haiz.. i really want a bicycle now that i am back in jurong... then i can go cycle.. and it can become my mode of transportation .. it's like i have to take two buses to grandma house when it's only about 3km away.. and i dun think i want to walk 3km.. cycling would suit that distance the best.. and to the polyclinic.. it's two busstops away.. take bus for two stops is a waste of money... and to the market at st 52.. it's also two busstops away lor!! with a bicycle, i can cycle to anywhere in jurong!! I WANT A BICYCLE!!

Callista wrote;
4:05 PM

yum yum... last nite i went for prata at jurong east.. ate cheese and mushroom prata and one roti BOMB!! i love roti bomb.. one day you all should try it man!! i bought a new pair of shoes at hush puppies.. and can you imagine..? i only have 15minutes to shop for a pair of shoes and i did it!! haha... i need a pair of smart casual shoes.. my shoes at home are either too formal or too casual.. so i decided to invest in a smart casual pair of shoes... hee.. and the shoes are super comfortable lor!!

sometimes i find myself so useless.. now i can't even play guitar for more than 15mins.. and i can't eat with both hands for more than 20mins.. and my neck will start to ache after 25mins on the bus.. and everyday after work, the only thing i look forward to is to be able to lie on my bed!! i haven't been sleeping well.. it takes me at least an hour to find a good position to sleep in each nite!! somebody help me!!

Callista wrote;
12:21 PM

woo.. yesterday i went to kbox with michelle, sarah, meijin and grace.. had a fun time making fools of out of ourselves.. singing superly out of tune.. haha .. and guess wat? i found "lord i lift Your name up high" in the song menu!! haha and we actually sang it.. so lame lor.. singing christian song in Kbox...

didn't have dinner yesterday.. only had a few pieces of kueh tu-tu.. coconut one.. and just before i hit my bed at 11:30pm, my gastric pain!! sianz.. so i went to the kitchen, source for some biscuits.. gobbled them up and went to bed.. was super tired yesterday..

today on the bus to work, i almost died.. this guy was standing behind me seat and was leaning against my chair.. so i lower my head for the whole journey becos his arm blocking my head from behind.. when i reached my work place i was sooo relieved.. until now still aching lor.. stupid guy.. some more wear same colour shirt as me!!

Jimi is leaving for studies in India this friday.. from KLIA.. cannot send him off.. take care bro.. all the best for your studies.. and remember to keep in touch ya?

Callista wrote;
11:20 AM

wee.... neck didn't ache at band practice today.. it only came when i was having dinner! i guess it's becos the table was a bit too high... but the weakness in my left arm is still quite bad lah.. i was trying to lift a computer's monitor.. the old old kind.. and i realised when i lifted it up a bit, my whole left arm and shoulder got a bit numb.. so i put it down and asked for help.. even as i am typing now, there's this achey achey feeling in my whole left arm.. it's just very sore...

haiya... i left my specs in church... at third floor... took it out to wear that headset lor... sianz.. dunno will it still be there tmr.... hope so....

*****break*****

i took a break becos my arm very very sore.. until cannot tahan.. i call my colleague... then she ask me to build my own neck brace.. now i have a think thick towel round my neck like as if my room is negative 30 degrees... lame rite? then she ask me to wear to church.. haha.. siao! i won't... =P

Callista wrote;
10:15 PM

many times i feel that i am just like Jacob in genesis... He tried so hard to achieve the best out of his own strength and wisdom.. yes no doubt he is very smart, no doubt he is strong.. but many times becos of that he became overly self-reliant.. till the nite he wrestled with God, he learned that many things are beyond his own power, he realised that he needed to die to himself before his could experience God's power to the max.. God left him limping so that he was always reminded of God's grace and how he used to wreslted with God and man.. sometimes God leaves behind in me things that reminds me of His grace and mercy constantly.. and also to remind me that i need Him..mind you, those things aren't comfortable to live with (like how Jacob lived with the limping).. yesterday i learned that opposition doesn't always come from the devil.. it can be from God too.. to discipline us, to teach us to rely on Him, our God, our Savior, Our very help in times of need.. i think i slept well last nite.. am feeling fresh today.. praise God.. and thanks dajie for those sleeping tips..

Callista wrote;
12:07 PM