Today a P6 pupil told me, "Ms Tang, you should just give up. It's not worth it. All the other teachers say it's not worth it."

What is worth it? How do you define worth? How do you know if it is worth it? 

I said, "It's not about what other people think or say about its worth. It's about doing what I think is right."

Who can define the worthiness of something or anything for that matter today? Who decides what it's worth many years down the road? 

If untagging oneself from a photo can erase all the memories and emotions felt and etched into the body and mind at that point in time, I'll gladly do it a thousand and million times over. 

It's been a year. How long more? How long more before I stop crying and stop feeling the pain? How long more before I completely let go of the someone who's been a constant in my life for the last decade? How long more before I stop numbing myself to everything so that I don't deal with the pain of betrayal and loss? 

要傷心多久　我才能看透
離開妳多久　手才會放鬆
是否我在妳的心裡還有一點痛
愛情隨風　心徹底放縱　讓自己瘋
還隱隱作痛　還記得妳笑容
這回憶多麼沉重　寧願沒有過
還隱隱作痛　還看見妳放手
這回憶多麼美麗　刺痛我心頭　我心頭

“Breathe. You’re going to be okay. Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you’ve survived. Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you. They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass. Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade and when they do, you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience. I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again. This will pass. I promise it will pass.”
— Daniell Koepke

縱然紛擾不見減少，這個世界還是有很多很美好的東西，可我怎麼覺得自己好像已經失去了被這些美好感動的原動力？我怎麼會看到一切的美麗而不再有任何的感動？我怎麼覺得活著好像沒有什麼意義了？好孤獨，好空虛。我怎麼覺得自己像個被掏空了的軀殼，再也沒有什麼能讓心中那希望之苗燃起。我是不是患上了憂鬱症？

Towards new beginnings...

Today, was a roller coaster ride. I struggled to take in the overwhelming load of new info coming with the massive amounts of complicated human interaction that was at play. Listening, making observations, negotiating underlying mental models.. Panicking and thinking about how to manage all this. I've a great challenge ahead. All these who are lost... What's my anchor? What's my mission? What's my goal? How do I stay above amidst these noises? 

Quietly, this came to mind. When the oceans rise and thunders roar, I will soar with you above the storm... I will be still, know you are God. Although I'm in the state of disbelief and perhaps denial, what came to mind was greatly comforting and certainly timely. When there's no one humanly dependable, I can only seek strength in the greater omnipotent force. Faith, I must learn again to grow. 

And this... I think I'll miss you for a really long time. No matter how distracted I am, I always find that split second to think of you. How apt. I miss you very much dear. Very very very much. 

 

Feeling exhausted. Physically and mentally. Gotta pick myself up and go again. Life's such ain't it?

Except I don't know how to do this.

Living in the thought that you'll always be under the scrutiny of some higher 'beings' whom will have profound impact on your future should really intimidate you shouldn't it?

But what have I to lose anyway?

Maybe I'm really as blindly positive as assumed by some people.

In the least. I wish.

Am I really cut out for the job?

Looking back at the year past, is there really anything worth commending myself about?

I don't know.

How many ways are there to articulate one's inadequacies and insecurities?

Whining, complaining, banging against the wall, talking (to the right people - who determines that anyway?), writing letters??

Feels like a futile struggle now.

Snapping into Focus

The past 2.5 weeks went by in a whirlwind. In summary, it felt like a trip to the optometrist, trying to figure out what power my glasses should be now.. Blur... Sharp..... Off again... Clearer... On and off..

History of art education... Why teach art.... Purpose and Role of teaching art.... How? Why? Pedagogy versus methods and strategies... Perspectives.. Holistic pedagogy? Authencity.. Sound bytes? Which mean keywords that resonate through a conversation.. Re-examining our roles and positions... Putting the pieces together... Spare no effort.. Leave no stone unturned... Repositioning.. Convincing stakeholders... Buying in people at stake.... To effect transformative learning..

Constructing personal meaning... Making connections... Community building... Narrative impulse... Using narratives in the classroom... What's your story? Cultural heritage.. Making use of resources... Theory and classroom practice - the river between.... The reflective teacher...

Terms that mean the world to me. The kids... I'm soaking them all in...

I think Narratives and cultural heritage make a wonderful combo? I can see an entire year(s) work woven on that.. gonna try work that out a bit...