purpose of life

the purpose of life is to survive and replicate - mystery

those two are essential; however, replicate is lots broader than what mystery puts it. for example, famous poets, people of science, leaders, and other people who have left their mark on this planet who did not have children, their replication is their impact on modern society.

for my purposes, i have to stop and just take the framing of the word replicate to achieve my desires.

i desire love, health and wealth!

i don't think those factors have to be defined, because they should be ever expanding and evolving.

with a combination of the three factors, a person will have higher S&R or social value. I agree with this completely. it's like what came first, the chicken or the egg. since my life is void of love, i'm going to have to create S&R or demonstrate potential S&R so that i can bring that into the equation.

understanding women will not be as simple as how mystery puts it though. i need to reread the chapter.

Viv

When I saw her picture with her man, it disturbed me. I am disturbed. It's been over 7 years, and she still has an impact on me.

What did I feel when I saw it?

I felt sad. Where is my new love? Where is my happiness?

I guess I just found lots of new questions.

I am I good enough?

It all goes back to my self-esteem. It's low. I am not doing what I'm suppose to do. I am not as good as I ought to be. I need help.

Do I need the help of others?

I do feel better when I can contribute to something. I need to feel needed, because of this need, I know that my problem stems from the inside. Somewhere in my consciousness, I need affirmation because it isn't obvious.

I have always tried to search for success. That's what I want. To be great.

That relationship didn't make me great. It distracted me from being great. I have to make the journey, I shouldn't need another to make me feel good. I have to go on that journey and pursue it myself. Proactive, make decisions, make experiences, make myself better.

Got to try or it'll never happen.

What this rant has to do with my experience today is that: the sight of her with another reminds me of why I need to move on.

Just fucking move on. Stop hating yourself, and stop pitying for yourself.

after seeing the pursuit

i just saw a movie about the pursuit of happiness. after the initial viewing, what impressed me most was the nonstop overcoming of obstacles.

can i do it?

not likely.

why?

it looked too difficult. too many hardships, too much suffering, too long the hours, etc.

i always thought of myself as not giving up easily. enduring hardship just means that one has to visualize the goal. suffering creates memories. and the long hours aren't really that long if we see that time is valuable, priceless.

i just have to figure out what my goal is.

That's the next step, find a goal.

i'm smart, i can prove it.

nice smile

i met this girl sometime back. she's beautiful. her smile radiates, and is so pure. lately, i have been thinking of what it's like to kiss her. i imagine that it would be wonderful.

i am thankful of having her around. i can't imagine doing anything to ruin it. i'll probably ruin things if i did act on my desires, because i can't love her children. i'm sure of it.

Jennifer's Birthday

Today I was at a Burger King for lunch. I saw these little children celebrating a birthday party. I started to reminisce about my childhood. I had everything going for me, then my parent decided to move.

We were very poor once. It makes me sad to think how much money played a role in my life. Perhaps I'm just in a depressed mood, but it's a part of this world.

I'm going to try to think of ways to be happy without money.

I can go for a walk, read books at the library, talk about the world with friends, share dreams, share jokes, play tag, jog, sit at the park, sing, write poetry, using out imagination is free.

Even though I didn't have money growing up, I had the library and book stores that I could walk to and spend hours entertained by other people's imagination.

I had good childhood friends who cared for joy as much as I did. We played sports, tag, hide'n'seek with as much joy as any child with money. It is the company in which you are surrounded by that brings you joy and fulfillment in life.

People have to be reminded of that. I have to be reminded of that. Living life lonely is no way to go. Don't do it.

I have had the last five years in solitude, by choice. I want to change that.

4:59 AM

I woke up early this morning, because I dreamt of my ex-girl friend. We were together for six years. It has been over seven years since I last saw her.

In this dream, I was over at her house speaking to her father. He needed some advice, and I decided to go because I might get to see her. She was my first and only girlfriend. I have had only one other since her. This other relationship was for only a few months, and was ruined because I kept thinking back of the other girl.

The reason why I startled awake from the dream is:

Her response to me asking her if she'd like to go out with me again.

She said, "No, I'm being set up with lots of Chinese men from Orange County."

I didn't care in the dream or in real life for that matter that she looked completely different from when I was with her. The very notion of the situation suggesting that was her was enough for me to identify her.

She was roughly the same height, little thicker, she got significant breast augmentation, and she at times had three eyes.

I know that sounds really odd, but It's just a dream. In reality, I don't care what she looks like. She represents a time in my life that I was really happy. Life hasn't been as kind in that department for the last five years.

In this dream, it was the rejection that disturbed me. I wanted her to miss me and be as happy to see me as I was to see her. But she rejected me and disregarded my attempt to get her back.

I use to think that the reason for my unhappiness was that I was grieving for my lost. But the reason is that I have LOW SELF ESTEEM. I am unfair to myself. I do not think I'm good enough. I'm a loner. Other people tell me that I have low self esteem. I have this problem, but I have a natural desire to solve problems.

The relationship was over. Even though we had a long distance relationship for the later three years of that six year relationship, I thought we were in love. The truth of the matter is:

She moved on, found a new man, new friends, and graduated from university with honors.

I did not fit in her scheme of things, much like how I felt with the girl in my next failed relationship. I had as much to do with the relationship falling apart as she did. It does apply to both of my relationships. I still think of her because I experienced so many new things with her.

My goal is to raise my self esteem.

I will probably try to:

1) Resolve past conflicts by justification or release. This journal will document both in my quest to better myself. My theory is that justification is necessary at times and release is better at time. Justification is self explanatory, but release has to be some method. I have found yoga breathing best on alleviating stress and letting go of thoughts. Remembering one's past is natural, and is so ingrained in us because we're human and our past shapes us. We can never truly forget the past because that's how our brain works. We can only choose to replace memories.

2) Record and analyze present situations

3) Determine improvements.

4) Share my work in progress as it might help others.