Sitting in my puddle

I met a new friend yesterday. 

Through Twitter.

I love texting.

I love Twitter on my cell phone.

I started following a new Twitter friend last week when someone RTed (Twitter term for forwarding meaning Re-Tweet) me a message this person sent about not letting fear rule your day.

You know, last week when I was letting fear rule my day.

So, when my new Twitter friend, who I didn’t  know, except that she was not letting fear rule her day, commented that she was wearing flip-flops and stubbing her toe on purpose just because she is that ready for spring.  I had to respond that I had just purchased a package of oreos with the word “spring” on them and a giant butterfly, because I am just that ready for spring too!

We tweeted back and forth for awhile, mostly about chocolate.  Then she decided to check out just who she was tweeting with and read my profile. 

Yeah.

I make a great impression don’t I.

She commented I’d been through a lot.

Yeah.

Man sometimes I really hate that.  I really want to be someone else.

Anyway she ended up asking me if she could call me on the phone and talk.

This is when I decided maybe I should check out her profile…

Impressive.

So.  We talked.

I told her my story.

You know how I’ve been in a little bit of a down stage lately?  Okay.  I’ve been downright negative.  I’ve been sad.  I’ve been struggling.  I’ve been hurting.  I’ve been lonely.  I’ve been hopeless.  I’ve been prayerless.  I’ve lost sight of my purpose.  I don’t see any light in my tunnel.  I don’t see anything changing.  Ever.  My life is going to be hard.  I am going to be alone.  I am going struggle and struggle and struggle and nothing is ever going to be easy.

I’ve been sitting in a mud puddle with no desire to get out.  None.

Yesterday, when my new friend Sue called me out of the land of Twitter… I started telling her my story.  Not the yuck, but the “Wow!”  The amazing provision of God for our family.  The great kids I have.  The awesome family support I have.  The business God has given to me. 

I’d forgotten.

I really thought God had forgotten me here in my puddle of muddy misery.  Because I am not seeing how He is being the Father to my fatherless children.  I am not seeing how He is being my husband.  I feel like I have to do it all myself.  I don’t see any hope of life being any different than it is right now.  Hard, overwhelming, and lonely.

I have mud in my eyes.

Sue used some of the wonderful Words of David to wash the mud out of my eyes. 

God used some of His wonderful, mysterious ways to wash the mud out of my eyes.

I felt like the strangling I hadn’t even realized had returned had been released from my neck and I could breathe again…

“Sometimes we forget. Sometimes we get so crazy busy with life that we forget. Sometimes the noise of the crowd overwhelms the still small voice and we forget.

I think David did too.
I think that's exactly why he wrote these words in Psalm 103:1-2:”

Read the rest of Sue @ Praise and Coffee’s post inspired from our conversation last night by following this link.

Thanks Sue for showing me how God wanted to get me out of that puddle, show me my reflection, remind me of how faithful HE has been, and help me to speak truth again.

I pray things start getting a little more encouraging around here soon. 

Pam

Light Bulb Moments…

A scattering of thoughts…

** Sometimes it hits me all over again where my life is, circumstance wise, and is so overwhelming I just crumble.  I find I need to allow myself the chance to cry again over what has happened, allow it to be okay that it has been over 4 years since it happened… and just grieve it again for awhile.

Then the sun comes up again.  And all the power of the Word of God & the faith that has been forming in my heart as I have learned through the trial to BELIEVE. WAIT. HOPE. LOVE. FORGIVE. Floods back in.  And I am more thankful than I was before.  Because I see where I could be, and I see where I am… and I am blessed.

**No matter how hard I try, I am not going to be financially capable of supporting my family with my photography business, solo.

I am finding that I have been making myself crazed trying to figure out how to balance a business, 6 kids & a home.  All the while not losing my mind.  It’s not going very well.

** I am living in “survival mode”

WHAT?  AGAIN? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN???

When my friend mentioned to me “you are in survival mode” the other day, it was like.  “OH MY WORD I AM!?!”  “I AM!”  How did I get there again??????

See, I was doing so well… then I started adding more and more to my plate… and suddenly it starting spilling over the sides… and I have a mess.

There is a certain peace that comes from realizing you are in survival mode and accepting it.

It’s good.

** I don’t have it figured out… but I do have peace back. 

I am going to do what I feel I can handle, business wise and no more.  That may mean I don’t do any photography some months… And will pick up more other months.  I hope my clients are flexible.  But, I really can’t worry about it if they are not.  If I am giving God the business & the Glory then it’s all really his problem to figure out anyway.

My top priority is going to go back to being my kids & their well being.  I am going to take control of my time.  I am going to stay on top of their lives. 

Again, I don’t know how.  There is only one of me.  And sometimes that really ticks me off.  But, it is what it is.  So, I will help with homework from 3:45 til 10:00… fit dinner, and a ball game in between… read books to them that they don’t understand when they read them themselves… go over spelling and grammar every night… stumble through Freshman  Biology vocab words over and over again… Figure out how F*A*S*F*A (if you’ve not sent a child to college yet you won’t know what that means, but one day soon you will, trust me!) works… clean up after the messy things my daughter does (apparently I am supposed to be supporting, encouraging, and allowing these “projects” which really goes against my nature)… then clean up again when she does things that I have not allowed or encouraged…

Again.  Not by my strength.  I can’t.  As soon as I start to think that I have to, I crumble. Or I get a call from a teacher saying my child was once again in the principal’s office. 

I cannot, on my own, be an advocate for each of my children in their schools.  God must raise up others.  God must send help.  He must.

I don’t know how HE does it.  And I confess it can really make me mad in the midst, to be wondering where HE is and why I can’t feel HIM… Because it sure “feels” like I have to do this on my own.

I don’t know how, but I know that even when I don’t feel it or see it or understand it… HE does.  And people are praying, and truth eventually comes around again, and I start to feel it again… and we go around.

**  I really, really, really, really, really, don’t like the load God is asking me to trust Him with.  It is after all about trust isn’t it.  Do I trust He is not going to give me more than I can bear?  (1 Cor 10:13)  I confess it feels like it is too much too many days. 

** So those are my light-bulbs for today.  I don’t have it all figured out, I make mistakes, I feel overwhelmed, I don’t like not getting my way, I am human living on earth… trying to learn to glorify God rather than myself.  Painful.

“All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them.”  --John 17:10  (Jesus)

Pam

“Pain Perpetual”

“Why is my pain perpetual, and my wound incurable, which refuseth to be healed?  Wilt thou be altogether unto me as a liar, and as water that fail?”  --Jeremiah 15:18

Some days this is what I feel like.  The wound incurable.  The pain perpetual.  The ever seeping wound that we just get used to having around and try to ignore as much as we can until suddenly the infection gets to be too much, again…

The thought that my life it always going to revolve around the event that occurred on September 16, 2005.  Like the devastation of an earthquake on my family.  How many years will the rebuilding take?  A lifetime? 

I want so badly to be healed.  To be free of the burden of the prayer.  To have my children healed.  To stop being alone.  To stop feeling all the weight of responsibility on my own shoulders. 

I do trust God. 

But, some days I feel like screaming (and some days I do scream)  “WHY DO YOU THINK I CAN DO THIS???  WHY DO YOU THINK THAT I CAN HANDLE THIS??  DONT YOU SEE I AM FAILING???  DONT YOU SEE I CANT DO WHAT YOU THINK I CAN DO???  CAN’T YOU SEE?????”

You know something else?  There are just no words for times when you feel like that.  All you can do is throw yourself on the ground and weep.  Throw yourself at the feet of the FATHER… and weep.  There are no answers.  At least not at that moment.

Sometimes we just have to take the day and cry. 

Sometimes.

Are we okay with letting that just be okay?

It is very hard to see someone in this kind of pain.  I admit that I don’t like to see others in  pain.  I also admit that I am one of those people who wants to give an answer, quote some scripture, say it’s all going to look better tomorrow, say whatever I think will bring that person comfort in that day…

Know what?  Sometimes it’s just better if we don’t say anything…

Isn’t that strange?

Praying God sees each of us through those times when we just feel like we aren’t going to make it.  Praying for HIM to show me the truth when I feel that way.

After all, He is the One in charge.

“The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame.  You will be like a well watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.

Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.”  --Isaiah 58:11-12

Pam

19 years later

I still remember the vows I made… & I still believe God wants to do a miracle… crazy as it all is. 

I believe.

Pam

Somehow…

Somehow life has become “normal” again.

Somehow I am raising 6 children on my own.

Somehow the sun is coming up each day and still reminds me of the promise of restoration God has given me.

Somehow I am taking pictures and people like them and want me to take them of them,and get this... I am getting paid to do something I love!

Somehow our needs are continuing to be provided for in every way possible and then some.

Somehow.

How?

This incredibly mind blowing God I serve.

He is how.

No other way.

None.

Zero.

Any questions?

Pam

Sometimes I'd like to forget...but then how would I remember?

Today is a day to remember.

"I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago."

Psalms 77:11

Remember God's Faithfulness to our family.

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

Hebrews 13:5

Remember that He has walked through every event, every pain, every trauma, every heartbreak, every betrayal, every hurtful word, every tear, every laugh, every smile, every moment... by our side.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."

Isaiah 43:2

He has "Kept" us in the Palm of His hand.

"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."

Psalms 91:4

It's been 4 years today that HSSH left.

The details are painful.

The reality is hurtful.

God is big.

Yesterday, when I realized that today was the anniversary date, I mentioned it. Someone told me, "you are such an example".

"Example?" was my thought. Of what? How to survive living he*l and live to tell about it?

In another conversation with a friend, she asked me what I wanted that example to be. My answer? I want the example to be that God is Good. All the time. No matter what. I want that to be the example.

God has gotten us through the past 4 years.

God has brought healing where I didn't believe He could.

God gives me Hope of a future.

God fills in the gaps as I raise these kids.

God provides for our needs.

God comforts, heals, protects, speaks, leads, & guides.

He gets all the Glory.

All.

Today I remember that when everything I knew was shaken to the core. God was faithful.

Pam

Oldies but Goodies: Turn it Around God

 Tim @ Fort Thompson is hosting yet another great, and super easy blog carnival!  I am joining him this week by reposting this post from last April…

I have to add a small update though… James continues to be the one making the efforts with his dad, HSSH.  But, HSSH is making a small effort to come to James football games this year.  He’s been to 1/2. 

And me… my heart continues to break for HSSH… and see how God keeps bringing up Psalms 37 like I said yesterday?  Sunday in church we sang a hymn.  I could not sing a word of it… the tears were too heavy on my heart…

“I have a Savior, He’s pleading in glory,

A dear loving Savior, tho’ earth-friends be few;

And now He is watching in tenderness  o’er me,

And oh, that my Savior were your Savior too.

For you I am praying.

For you I am praying.

For you I am praying.

I am praying for you.”

Now the old post…

Originally posted on April 24, 2009

At this point in time I have about 5 different posts on 5 different topics floating around in my mind.  Banging to get out… maybe that is why I have such a headache this afternoon?

You know that Bible Verse about casting your cares upon the Lord, how does it go??

“Cast your cares on the LORD 
and he will sustain you; 
he will never let the righteous fall.”

Psalm 55:22

Sometimes I feel like my “casting” is on a retractable pole… and it just keeps coming back in my lap. 

I’ve tried visualizing my burden as “putting it on the shelf”.  Letting God deal with it…

And then something happens and “it” comes back and I have to physically deal with “it”.  And in my mind I think… Or scream… I GAVE THIS TO YOU TO TAKE CARE OF, WHY DOES IT KEEP NEEDING TO BE ME THAT PHYSICALLY DEALS WITH IT!?! 

Does anyone know what I mean?

It’s like, I want to let you, God, deal with this person, who I know I can’t change.  Who I have made myself crazy trying to change.  Who is far beyond anywhere I ever thought they would be.  And instead of just removing that person from our lives, that person just keeps showing up!!

I want to say to God.  You wanted me to give them to You, so why don’t you just keep them!!!  Stop bringing them around me!! 

I so wish this is how it worked.

Anyone else?

So, James, my almost 18-year-old oldest child.  Has a heart for his dad.  Says to me, “when adults aren’t acting like adults, sometimes the kids have to step up and act like the adult”

Yeah, sure whatever. 

I’m steaming.  I am thinking how wrong this all is.  WHY does my 17 year old son act more mature than his 38 year old father?  WHY is my 17 year old son making efforts that his father is not willing to make?  WHY does this make me so darn livid?  WHY doesn’t HSSH just stay up there on that shelf I keep putting him on and get better before he has to be part of my kids lives????

WHY?????

I don’t know why.  Just like I don’t know why every blessed time I turn my back my 2 youngest children run for the nearest mud pit and cover themselves…

(this was yesterday’s mud mess)

So, when James called HSSH earlier this week, and told me about the conversation, I was upset.  I told some friends about the conversation, and they were upset… in fact one of them mentioned Psalm 37 to me… and that chapter brought me up for air.

I DONT WANT HSSH TO BE SEEN BY GOD AS “THE WICKED!”  I don’t want it.  I’ve struggled with portions of the Bible for years when it comes to verses that speak like Psalm 37 does.  Where does someone who has made the choices my ex-husband has made fall?  I hope he doesn’t fall there… but I don’t know.

Yesterday, while listening to Beth Moore speak in the 7th session of the Esther study… she spoke right to that… she was talking about Esther in 8:1 where it says…

“That same day King Xerxes gave Queen Esther the estate of Haman, the enemy of the Jews. And Mordecai came into the presence of the king, for Esther had told how he was related to her.”

Beth said that many commentaries take that portion where it says, “how he was related to her”. And ponder if it was not more than just “he’s my uncle” but more like “this is what he means to me”.

Beth talked of her brother, and said, “Don’t you have someone we want so much to be in the presence of the King one day?  But, they want nothing to do with Jesus at this point.”

My mind went directly to HSSH and the feelings, emotions, anger I have been having… I am so full of anger towards him at times I feel I could explode, and yet… when the smoke clears, he still means so much to me, that I don’t want to see anything but God’s best for him…

More from Beth…

“You just go to God and say, ‘This is what he means to me.’  Perhaps God esteems that.  I want him in Heaven!  I need You to change his heart.  I need You to change his want to.”

If I bare my heart.. that is what I want… I don’t want to be angry… I don’t want to be frustrated… I don’t want to be bitter, or weary, or overwhelmed…

A friend sent me a link to listen to an online sermon this week, she called it a “tall glass of cool water for a weary soul”.  Amen… that would be me…

Pastor Steven Furtick was speaking “on keeping your God sized vision when there is no sign of it happening anytime soon. Pastor Steven is a dynamic pastor with a passion for impacting a generation. It’s definitely a message you won’t want to miss."

I heard him say this morning “God is faithful in the process.  Don’t forfeit the payoff & forget the promise, because you faint in the process”

That’s me… “fainting in the process”…

Then he started talking about his dad.  How his dad’s dad committed suicide when his dad was 9.  And his dad was on a course to chemical dependency that would take him well into adulthood.  How Steven became a Christian at 16 and wanted so much for his dad to find Jesus to.

How one day when Steven was preaching his dad was there, answered the alter call, and became a Christian.

Later, he asked his dad what he said that day that finally got through to him.

His dad said, it wasn’t anything you said that day.  It was from a day long ago, where we were having an argument.  I was wrong, I knew I was wrong, and we were arguing. 

After the argument, you came to me and said that you were sorry. That you were working on this whole honoring your parents thing, and this argument was not honoring.

When you walked away, I knew I wanted what you had.

My mind went to James and his attempts with his dad…

My mother heart wants to stand in the way and protect James from HSSH’s incredibly twisted thinking.  I want to fix every wrong accusation, because I fear James choosing HSSH over me, or being deceived, or drawn in to HSSH’s delusions.

I don’t think that God wants me trying to protect James at this point.  Not like James would allow it anyway.  James told me this morning that he is going to call his dad once a week.

My first reaction is to be very angry.  Because HSSH should be the one calling him once a week. 

My second reaction is that I have to let this go.  Let this happen.

Some people say, “James will just have to see for himself”.

I am not happy with that.

I don’t want James to see his dad like I have been seeing him.  I want HSSH to be healed and then come into his children’s lives. 

But, I am not the one in control. 

Another quote from Steven Furtick this morning… “you keep faithfully doing what you do with integrity, and I promise you that God will cause Ephesians 3:20 to become reality in your life…

Ephesians 3:20… you mean that verse that has been coming to my mind when I think and pray for James for the past week…

…yeah… that one…

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,”

Pam