Processing

I am now 10 weeks along with twins and I've had more time to take it in. Everyone around us has been doing the same thing. Some of them now coming around to the idea others not so much. We spent this last weekend surrounded by our family and friends it was wonderful. Kenzie and Kayden got baptized (later post) and we had everyone around us. We had a luncheon afterwards in the gym at the church. For just a moment I was in the middle of the 50 or so people that were there. Standing in between the tables and thinking wow with you guys I can do anything. When they say it takes a army to raise a family I believe that and I know I have one of the strongest. I am not going to lie I have been absolutely terrified. To be honest I have NEVER EVER been a planner. I like to fly by my seat and take life as it comes. Since I was a child I feel like that was always how I survived. I have a everything works itself out view on life and everything happens for a reason. Getting pregnant really through me for a loop though. First the way it happened was beyond a miracle and second it's TWINS. I think I went from total shock to scared to death and back to shock.

When I found out there was two things going through my mind. FIRST was will Josh be ok? SECOND was when Josh and I started dating we would talk on the phone for HOURS. He had gone back to Arizona where he lived and we had to talk until he could move back up here. So we would talk on the phone til the middle of the night. One night he asked me how many kids I wanted. I said 2 and he said he wanted 4 and was hoping for twin boys. (He will be happy no matter what) But this is something he said to me back then. I couldn't get it out of my head. I felt like God was sending a message directly to Josh. Josh felt that way too. Josh has been excited since the test was positive. That's how he always was though. Just like his dad. When we told Poppy, Poppy was ecstatic. So excited to have another grand kid. Then when we found out it was twins Josh called him right away again and it was more excitement. I'm so grateful for that. They're already loved so much.

Anyways, now that it has been a few weeks and the more and more it has sank in. I've had to stop talking to some people and I've watched other people rally around me. It's sad that there's a few that can't help but say things and be negative. I feel like you're always going to get that. No matter what situation in life you have people that feel the need to criticize. We have had some genuine concern which I understand really worried about Josh after this last year. All I can say to that is was the first thing on my mind too and I agree I was worried too. We had been given a bad diagnosis for Josh. But honestly everything we've been told by his doctors for the last year has proven to be wrong. It could be that Josh is just a miracle and beating all odds. Or it may be that they just don't know for sure anything. Besides this if something happened to Josh yes it would be devastating and so difficult but it would change nothing. I love OUR children. I will do anything for them. They are the best part of me and Josh. They've been our priority since I was 19 and Josh was 20 and we brought Kenzie into this world. Something could just as easily happen to me and luckily I know I have a husband and they have a father that will make it ok. I know my children will be loved and taken care of. Josh knows that too. Believe it or not I am not the only one having children in this world at the risk of not having a parent or a spouse. We all risk it every single day. We never know when something will happen and it's not a reason to stop living. I have faith and hope that Josh and I are going to raising all our children past adult hood together.

So now that I've really had time to deal with everything. I'm not going to lie I'm still terrified twins is intimidating and scary. But I am so much more excited. Knowing this was supposed to happen and the excitement of two more children joining our family. I've remembered what my least favorite part of being pregnant is though being so freakin emotional. I hate being a basket case and feeling like I have no control over it. One of the things that I was so scared of and why I wanted to be done having kids with the 3 has always been about me wanting to be able to give my kids "everything". This whole way of thinking has been reexamined the last few weeks. I think it's partially because I was so spoiled growing up I was given any opportunity with sports and my parents helped me get a car and I've always had a lot. I wanted to be able to do the same for my kids and the more kids the less money to do those things. That whole way of thinking was so messed up. When I think back to what mattered to me growing up it was those times when me, my mom, my dad, and my brother were together. When we went boating or camping or were just at home together. It was looking at my mom in the stands at my basketball games and playing cards with my grandparents on the weekends. It was never the name brand clothes or my car. So once I realized that it was like my kids do have everything they need. They're happy and they're loved and they know it. That's the most important thing. Two more will be that much more love.

I can't wait to find out what these two miracles are. We are never going to find or agree on names. But we're both really excited. The kids even more so. Luke has asked me a few times if he can grow the babies instead of me (haha), Kayden is always protective of me but even more so with me pregnant, he doesn't like anyone upsetting me and he lays right next to my stomach every night, Makenzie is Makenzie she's doing dishes and laundry just to help out, she frequently asks me what I need and keeps my water full. Seriously my children are angels. I love them more than life.

Life is UNPREDICTABLE!!

After ten years with Josh I feel like I've mastered a few things:

1. I know when it's time for me to panic and freak out or when it's time to put on a brave face for Josh. When I panic and freak out Josh is always freakishly calm (because he's not normally a calm personality) ;) This time it was my turn to panic and freak out.

2. In OUR world I have learned to just roll with life as it comes and go with everything that happens. I stay calm for the most part and realize that life never ceases to amaze me. (This is no different)

This story starts the week of Christmas. I had literally been sick for a couple weeks every time I started to get better I got something else. I just felt like crap. I wasn't getting better I was getting worse. So 3 days after Christmas I had began throwing up like crazy and something felt off. I called Josh crying and told him I didn't feel like myself. He asked me if I could be pregnant and said we needed to find out right away. A little backstory on this Josh was told multiple times when he was hospitalized this year that he would never be able to have children again. Something to do with all the medication on top of the fact that he got over what is equal to 20 years of radiation near that area oh and it's hard for diabetics

. As if that's not enough we had not been trying or anything. The next morning I took the test and within 20 seconds it said pregnant. This is where I PANIC and I mean HYSTERICAL MELTDOWN. I didn't plan to have any more children, Josh and I just got through the worst year of our lives, This is not really happening...

I took about 5 days to calm down and mentally prepare and get used to ok I'm going to have FOUR children this is going to be ok. I had called my doctor finally and she didn't believe it. (There's more to why my doctor didn't believe I could be but it's personal and too detailed to get into here) My doctor said I must have a false test. She wanted me in the next morning. The next morning I woke up and I was bleeding, not spotting, bleeding. SO I had my doctors appointment lined up anyway just figured I would wait and see what she says. They did the tests that she was sure would come back negative. This is 9am my nurse comes in and says she can't believe it it's positive but we need you to come back at 1pm for a ultrasound can you do that?? (PANIC AGAIN) Why was she so insistent on a ultra sound today most likely we wouldn't see anything this soon? Is something wrong? I left and went home for what felt like the LONGEST few hours ever. I told Josh "I will just go back and you keep getting everything ready to go to Kayden's wrestling tournament. We won't be able to see anything anyways so I will call you if something's wrong."

My doctor came in and put the ultrasound in she said well there's good  news

"THE BABY IS FINE AND THE HEARTBEAT IS GREAT. YOU'RE ABOUT 6.5 WEEKS"

WHAT?? 6.5 WEEKS? THAT'S WHY I AM SO SICK.... 

AND THEN JUST SHOCK....

My doctor then says and I have really good news depending on how you look at it.

"THERE'S TWO BABIES AND TWO STRONG HEART BEATS."

She moves down to the next baby and I can see it but I don't believe it. I didn't move for what Makenzie describes as 5 minutes. My doctor was saying a lot of stuff that I don't remember. I was looking around the room. I didn't know what to do or what to say. I had just got used to the idea of one and now there's TWO... 

I'm still in shock and then something snaps in me I just started  bawling and saying Makenzie "My phone, I need my phone..." I called Josh. Bawling I said do you want to hear your babies heartbeats? Josh said "Sure we can hear it already" (Clearly he didn't get it) I said Josh "WHAT HAVE YOU ALWAYS WANTED" he said it's a boy... Me frustrated of course I wouldn't know that already no JOSH WHAT HAVE YOU ALWAYS WANTED??? Josh finally got it. "Twins, Are you serious? You're kidding?" Me nope then I hit FaceTime and handed the phone to my doctor who showed him both babies and played both heartbeats for him. I thought ok panic will set in for him now. It won't just be me freaking out he will join me now. NOPE... Josh was excited as ever. To Josh this was his SIGN that he was going to be ok and how next year was going to go. It was going to be about different kind of MIRACLES and less pain (FOR JOSH haha). Josh was also so excited when I took the test he called his dad first thing then 2 weeks later we find out twins and he calls his dad right away again. Poppy was so excited so that did help and add to Josh's excitement.

After days of being super sick and in shock we had told a couple handful of people closest to us I began to feel all the excitement. I couldn't imagine ever having more kids before them and now I CAN'T IMAGINE LIFE WITHOUT THEM. I know how High Risk it is and I've had drilled into me all that can go wrong but I just want them to be ok. I can't wait to find out what we're having and I can't wait to see them. 

Makenzie, Kayden, and Luke are all very excited. Makenzie is praying for at least one sister. Although I will be happy however it turns out I do hope I can give that to her. She's a great sister to her brothers but I know she would be the best big sister to a sister ever. 

I know I sound like a terrible mother by how upset, scared and shocked I was. I had multiple things weighing into that. The biggest thing was Josh's health. I also put too much emphasis on how other's around us are going to feel which is my problem because I'm a adult and even though I didn't plan this and it caught me by surprise I am going to do what I do best and make it amazing. A few days after I found out I was pregnant but before finding out it's twins. I was crying and just laying in bed praying to tell me it was all going to be ok. I was talking to god and my Grandma Jean as I usually do. That night I had a dream it was my Grandma who I think I have a LOT of her personality traits her and I had a lot in common and even though she was amazing and I will never be as good as she was I did get a lot of her traits. She was in my dream. It was so simple she told me I was going to be ok she told me to do what I do best and stay calm. She told me that I was a wonderful mom and this was supposed to happen and then she was GONE. I hate it when she leaves because I don't know when I will see her again. But I felt so much calmer and so much more peaceful then when I found out we were having twins it made sense. Twins run on that side of my family. My Grandma that was in my dream had fraternal twin girls. It made sense. I still and will always believe she sent Kenzie to me too. She passed away and a month later I was pregnant with a beautiful baby girl. She calmed me then too. 

I know everything is going to be ok. No matter what happens. My children have always been the biggest blessings in my life. Planned or not planned. I couldn't live without them. Now there will be two more. I can't wait to love and hug and kiss and hold them. For me and Josh this is what life is all about. 

So there's OUR BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!! 

DUE AUGUST 26th 2014

August to December

WOW I am really far behind. My blog has always been my journal/scrapbook. I know that makes me sound like a horrible mom this is all the documenting I am able to do for my kids. Anyways, continuing about Josh his pain didn't stop. We went from doctor after doctor to try to figure it out. Finally one of his doctor's decided to do a MRI on his back and we found out that at the hospital when they never moved him they had crushed the disc in his back. The only thing we could think is really??? This WHOLE time? Crushed disc? So it was back to out of work and back to the hospital and another surgery. Poor Josh. Seriously my husband is a champ the fact that he lived in so much pain and went through so much this year still staying strong and positive most of the time is amazing. Of  course we both had our break down moments. It was scary and hard and financially crippling. But we made it through. Not only did we make it through but together we got so so much stronger. We spent pretty much a whole year together non stop, 24-7, and we made it through not only without killing each other but we were closer and stronger through it all. He got to spend so much time with the kids like never before cause he's always worked SO much. He got to see them play sports and he lives for it just as much as I do. The back surgery was rough it was so painful. One week after when he should still be in bed he went to his sons football game. He couldn't miss it. Amazing dedicated daddy. There has been so much about this year that was hard but so many miracles that we've seen. It's brought out different sides of us. He went back to work the first week of December and has been doing really good ever since. We are still praying that the nerve damage the hospital caused comes back. But other than that Josh has come a LONG LONG way.

Kayden turned 8

My little man turned 8 and I can't believe it. His life is ALL about sports. He loves them all. He's doing what he loves whenever we see him on a football field, on a soccer field, in a wrestling match, on a basketball court and baseball is his least favorite but that he even seemed to like. He's so sweet, well behaved, does very well at school, coaches and teachers say he's a good listener and always looking to improve. He's growing like crazy getting so tall. He's definitely a mama's boy still. He loves having his dad at all of his sports practice or game. They are inseparable. I am so proud of him and am grateful every day for him. Me and daddy love you lots Kayden.

Makenzie Turned 9

Makenzie turned 9 this year. It's so bitter sweet for me. She's growing into the most sweet, respectful, responsible girl. I often thing of her as a young woman because she's so mature beyond her years. She cares so much about other people and has the most loving giving heart. She's a straight A student. She plays Basketball, Soccer, and Softball. She is a mama's girl most of the time unless she's hurt and then she has to have her dad. She's a incredible sister and such a good friend. 

She has been a rock in this family this year with everything that happened with Josh helping so much with her brothers, staying calm and helping around the house. She's my beautiful angel.  I am so proud of her.

Her best friend is Alexa.

Tirza and Kenzie are still just like SISTERS been like that since they were in diapers. They'll be together for life. Love them so much.

 Kenzie got glasses this year.

Makenzie me and your dad love you more than life. It's been incredible to watch you grow up although it's happening too fast. You're going to do amazing things in life. Just stay close to home!! :)