3 days have past since the new sem start...
i move to tekun already, never feel happy with that...
i have to travel very far to class, sometime bus also hard to wait, i never know after 10pm no bus, so there is a timei walk all the way back to tukun under rain, not happy about that...
and here hv only 2 cats so far, wan to keep a cat in room also cannot, roommate won like that...
things not going well at the beginning of the sem...
MAT181 make me sad, i dunno there is a tutorial time that clash with my jap class, i feel really hurt about this. in order the hv same tutorial class as my friend, i hv to sacrifice my jap class and change to a class of mad teacher, realli realli not happy bout that but no choice, hv to be like this...
i feel sad about friendship also, i realise one of my friend started to treat me like last sem...
i dunno why that person treat me like this, i hv done nothing wrong, i never make that person angry recently... and i dun wish to explain what happen in blog...
im not complaining about wat happen between me and that person, i just telling what i feel, maybe wat i feel is wrong...
perhaps we need time to understand whats going on 1st, if stil like this i will talk with that person...
hope everything fine, and can share fun and joke with friends... :D
merry xmas guys^^
so many days pass in holiday...
as usual, all the day passes with loneliness...
as usual, i keep searching for happiness...
as usual, no positive result in the data collected...
even if i found something that hv posibility making me happy, it won't last long...
even if i found one, there is always some obstacles...
without her... days gone by feeling more and more empty...
it is ok that i dun need her, but who else can i share my feeling with?
i never wish to need someone making me happy, i can be happy by myself, but how?
i cant drop any tears tonight, reason: unknown.
need help from others, but i dun think they wan talk about this, they hate to c me like this...
haiz... all i can do is just make everything alright infront of others, this at least not making them worry...
i will just live my simple life, just be normal infront ppl...
whatever... just be human for now...
but i wont't give up on searching for happiness... never...
everything is alright, dun misunderstand me again my friend!^^
few days ago i bought this PVC figure, 初音ミク(Hatsune Miku).
she is the character that i hv waited for long time to get it. i thought she will never come to Malaysia, but when i go to the workshop the check for new model kit, i spotted her! and of course i buy her home.
this figure cost RM240 for regular price, but i bought that for RM210, coz i know the seller well, hehe...
this figure can say already sold out in japan after just being released for 2 weeks, coz everyone love miku. feel so happy to get that^^ hope she can sing for me everyday^^
she looks cute every side! the hair also well-designed.
her face is the most charming part^^
compare with the Q version of Miku, both also not bad, but the Q version i never c in Malaysia, sad about that...
on 24th november i attended an activity made my japanes consulate in penang.
it was damn fun ><>ce, and dance lots of time with them, very tired but awesome fun! 
beside dancing, they also show us how to make sushi and rice ball, i also hv chance to make my own rice ball! i made one looks like cat, but no chance take the pic. they also giv us eat lots japanes foods for free! so fun! and get a free gift also!
this is the free gift!
recently i heard from someone i know that Wei Wei having some problems with his bf and break up. i hv nothing to feel about this, coz i dont hv feeling about her anymore, she is no longer in my heart...
all i can say to her, if i meet her again perhaps, say to her that she become prettier than b4, still very kind, cheerful, cute and so charming, hope she can found the correct guy in her life...
someone ask me if i wan to chase her back or not, of course i wont, coz it is already the end of the story, and i wont start a new relationship with her again, coz im not the true one for her, we hv different path to go on, and wont look back...
i know i hv made a mistake saying she is the true one for me in the past, i cannot deny that i still feel sad when talk about her, coz i once love her b4...
过去让它过去，不想再提了，我和你已经没什么好说了。
虽然你还在我心里，我还是爱着你，但我们是不可能在一起。
想念曾经有过的美好回忆，现在不管怎样也无法再得到。
对不起，一切已经结束了。
Christmas almost arrive already! still hv 1 month+
im thinking wat should i get for xmas, hmm... hard to decide...
since i hv lots of plastic modals already, so i think i should get a PVC figure for xmas...
although it cost a lot, i also will buy, coz they are so cute^^
however in Malaysia hard to find the one i wish to have, coz import a little and those are not what i like...
i hv seen this one on web, she is sooo cute! the art also great! i want to get that, but it only come out on march 2009, so sad...
haiz...this xmas i think i will get nothing again... its ok...as always...
just now when i went out to gather informations, i bought a game i hv waited for long time, new Silent Hill series: Silent Hill Homecoming
this is the 6th release of Silent Hill series, for the previous series, i hv only played 2 of them b4...
this game only few ppl dare to play it, most ppl play liao feel so scare and not dare to play it further. for me its ok, since the 1st one i finish the story, the 4th one i play unitl half way due to serious effect from it, i still feel that i want to challenge the new series.
this game is too creepy to play in dark, so i always play this with all the lights on and put some musics to stablelize the environment.
i heard that previous series of the game cause a player commited suicide due to the curse, cannot stand the nightmare of it, or whatever. this game i cannot deny that it will affect most player's mind, but i cannot tell how deep it will make someone crazy...
whatever... i will play it also! it is a good game for me!
he is very energetic, always run here run there, always like to steal shoes, like to jump and climb on someone, it also bite!
he is showing innocent face when c me...
so funny, he barks at my camera, he thought that im holding a weapon...
resting on floor...
he listen to what i say, when i scold him he put this kind of face...
due to something unexpected, i have to move to Tekun for sem 2, i can't believe i have to live so far away from physics school, f**k lah! feel so piss off!
i have no choice, i have to say goodbye to my lovely room, my roommate, the cats also...
BYE BYE! MY NEST! MY CATS! WILL MISS U ALL!
this is the pic of my room look inside when stand at door, my roommate still feel stress for the final that time.
this is the pic of my bike inside my room, so sweet that it always teman me in room^^
this is how my bed looks like, very lame, ugly, and nothing special...
this is my messy table, lots of papers scattered papers everywhere, i never arrange them well, coz im a guy.
the pic with my roommate from HBP, before he go back to Selangor i persuaded him to take pic with me. he is handsome man!
these are little kitties from my grandparent's house~
they are toooo cute~ >< 
i know what i said recently make a lot ppl angry... but this just happen since my secret leak out that day... i was so depress, sad, and say nonsense things...
this never happen before my secret leak out, everything was fine, i was improving myself and share fun with friends...
after that happen, i face lots of problems in family and friends...
i easily lost control of myself, i talk without think properly, causing lots of ppl angry with me...
i really wish to apologies for everything... i didnt mean to be like that...
everyday in my life... i hear voices in my mind... those voices are not created by me...
the voices are not from one person only, there is another person whispering to me everytime i face problem, i think you all already know who is he...
the time my secret leak out, he told me lots of worst facts that hurt myself deeper and deeper, and he cause me talk all the negative things to ppl around me...
under the influence by jelly and mun, i just took those stuff i hv sealed long time ago, and i read some phrases that make my tears fall suddenly without reason...
''The Lord did not give you his love or take you for himself because you were more in number than any other people; for you were the smallest of the nations (Deuteronomy 7:7)''
''So have love for the Lord your God, and give him worship, and keep his laws and his decisions and his orders at all times. (Deuteronomy 11:1)''
''Then give no attention to the words of that prophet or that dreamer of dreams: for the Lord your God is testing you, to see if all the love of your heart and soul is given to him. (Deuteronomy 13:3)''
''But the Lord your God would not give ear to Balaam, but let the curse be changed into a blessing to you, because of his love for you. (Deuteronomy 23:5 )''
''In giving you orders today to have love for the Lord your God, to go in his ways and keep his laws and his orders and his decisions, so that you may have life and be increased, and that the blessing of the Lord your God may be with you in the land where you are going, the land of your heritage. (Deuteronomy 30:16)''
(i can't believe i read something else other than ZCA110...)
thnx to my friends... now i at least understand why God still here...
although he is stil not answering me, but i wil wait...i wil resend the words to Lord until i get the answer...
i think i will stop listening to my 'advisors' in my mind, one agree with me, but the other disagree, i don't care, now i will listen to God, im listing...
i am what i am, i am myself, i do what i want, i don't need voices from them, i am controling myself, i am OZY, i am not abandoned, i am not alone, i am not the worst, i am a perfect human (perhaps?), i am something that exist, i will never make my friends angry, i will not disapoint my friends, i will walk out and make a ture smile, make a true laugh! the most important is... im happy with everything :)
my life really change... i tried to fix everything but i fail to...
my mother still treat me as usual...
but my dad...still not happy with me...ignore me every time i talk to him...
im already invincible to the outside ppl...now my family also c me as invincible...
im now falling into deepest loneliness... worst than before...
now there is one thing left with me... but i wonder when it wil left me... im sure this will happen soon...
''its ok...everything will be fine...'' this statement i always use to keep myself back to normal... but it is useless now...
no one will understand me, god also wont accept me...i hv nowhere to belong to now... why the world hv to treat me like this...why i will never hv a better day to live...
if this is my fate... i hv only one wish...hv a day live with happiness...and hv a happy ending to pay for the day...
perhaps...i will be happy...if that happen...maybe it wont happen also...
..........so sad.......cannot deny it......but its ok........everything will end soon....perhaps...........
im living in pain since last saturday...
last suturday, it should be a happy, coz it was cats' saturday...
however... things turn upside down that night...
one of my biggest secrets had leak out...
one of my stupid family member found it it out, and tell the rest of my family...
this cause my family call for a meeting and ask for the secret...
i had been scolded until very bad...
the worse is... they want me explain everything... but i keep deny to say anything...
now i feel very sad that my family change the view about me already...im loosing their trust again...
the saddest thing is... i fail to keep the secret that i have been keeping for years...
i put a lot effort to kept it tide and secure for years...
din realize just one careless step everything goes wrong...
i feel sorry to myself...and feel sorry to the secret...
i dropped lots of tears that night...
after that happen, my life change...i ended up in depression again...
ppl around me starting to ignore me again... im invincible again...
my hands keep sweating again... my preparation for final also going worse and worse...
however i try my best to recover myself... and try not to show how i feel infront of ppl... this is painful... but no choice...
i also try to eat sweet things to calm myself from the pain... it helps a bit at least...
i dunno how can i live in future... that secret keeping me alive until now... but dunno will it keep me alive for the rest of the days?
i dunno should i end everything now? a happy ending now or a sad ending in future?
i just cannot conclude anything... too hurt to make decision...
yesterday i hv tried lots of ways trying to put pics inside blog but failed,
now i wil giv the link to my photobucket to c all the pic...
u all were so cool and perhaps cute^^
enjoy the pics!
http://s463.photobucket.com/albums/qq360/alexozy/Album%202/
r u all facing the problem opening the photobucket?
then u all can get the pic from me when we meet...
i dunno what the hell happen to me this week...
since monday night i already feel so sick until now...
when i went for doctor she said ''tak de apa-apa punya, balik minum banyak air panas.''
i keep minum air panas also the same...
furthermore... the pain in my head getting worse...
each time i study...cannot absorb anything...
each time i listen to musics...but cannot feel anything...
each time i walk in campus...i felt dizzy...
each time i sleep...cannot have a nice sleep and calculus formulas keep flashing in my mind...
how am i gonna survive...T_T
i need someone...T_T
this diorama is one of the works that i put a lot time and effort to make it nice...
it is also the 1st diorama that i have made myself after inspired by the modelers from japan...
i wish to make more of this...but it consumes lots of time...
need lots of plannings and drawings...and make it looks like in actual battle...
however...enjoy watching this...
last week i have promised myself to let her go away from my mind, but i didn't...
i just tried to deny, temporaly escape from it...
i knew what will happen in the end...it really happen...
i still cannot forget her...
everytime when i feel tired and lonely...i really need someone to talk to me...someone care about me...
she used to smile and encourage me everytime i feel sad and lonely...it was so nice...
today...even though she left already...even though i try to forget about her...
however...it hurts...
everytime i try to deny the fact that i still miss her...it hurts...
everytime i try to deny the fact that i still need her when im lonely...it hurts more...
although i have new friends already...im still the loneliess one compare to them...
every night still...im all alone...
i tried not to remember her...i tried not to remember her voice...
but i still...
everytime everything ended in tears...
i wonder how many times i have to cry until i forget her...
i wonder if i will be lonely 4ever...
i really feel i fail to be a human somehow...
i really feel if i have to end my journey somehow...
no matter what...i still feel lonely in tears...
just wish 2moro will be ok...
6th October 2008 Monday
raya break finally over... and everyone was back to USM...
it was an unsatisfying morning to start after my heart suffered a lot in those days...
i have promised myself to be change...however still failed to...after i met my friends... i felt much better...a bit...but still hurt a lot...and felt have disappointed my friends...ended in depression...
7th October 2008 Tuesday
things going worse this day... a day started with depression...
i felt very very sad when i stress a lot the day...and i have to face everything alone...
at this critical moment i really need someone care about me...but she is already not mine...
last time used to have her to support me when i feel stress and tired...it was so touching each time she tried to help me reduce stress by her voice and smile on phone...i miss the moment so much...
without her i felt frustrated and nearly throw something when i felt stress to solve questions...
i ended up dropping tears in room that night...i really miss her and need her...T_T
8th October 2008 Wednesday
i woke up again...emotionless...still alive...
this day i promised choon kiat to follow him to school to take stpm certificate...
however his car failed to start that time...so have to go next time...
my friends drove me to Bali to eat something weird...
when we were having meal and talk together...i failed to smile...and they start asking why...
i told them about my past time...it hurt so much until i cannot endure anymore...and ended up with tears in front public...
it was so shameful for a guy to in front of friends...but it was so wonderful that they treated me with ice cream...i felt like a kid again...and smile in tears...
9th October 2008 Thursday
after 101 test... my friends took me to a nice place in USM and had some talk there...
although it was raining...but we had a great time together...
and...at there...i finally learned to accept the truth...and learned to let her go...
that night at roti bakar there we met someone name Is***...
this Is*** introduced himself to us in a weird way...makes everyone feel uncomfortable...
everyone wished not to meet him another time...i wondered why he is so 'special'...something wrong...
before sleep in room...i felt much better after i let her go away from my heart...but still felt the loneliness somehow...
10th October 2008 Friday
after the wus presentation...i didn't know where should i belong...ky need a rest...and everyone else went to Tesco without me T_T
there was just a place that can make me feel better...i went to there alone and took a rest there...
that night i was really tired and that thing haunted me whole night...
i tried to resist him...but he was too strong...i ended up depress in front of friends and spoiled the mood of the gathering...and some of them started to get angry...
i felt really guilty...but what should i do? i tried to seal him away...i did it...but i dunno how long i can hold him in the vault...at least i can enjoy the night with them again...
we played 2gether...we shouted together...we really did have fun 2gether...
however our time was limited... we did wish to have fun more but we have to escape from trouble...
after go beck to room... i still felt the guilt of spoiling the mood of them... was that a trap set by him?
11th October 2008 Saturday
i woke up again... i felt safe since he is still in the vault...i disobey and ignore him...but this is not the best way...he is too strong...he know all my weaknesses...but i dunno his weaklness...i want him to disappear...i cannot fight alone...i need help from friends...
that afternoon i went to shop alone again...i bought a laptop bag that cost RM280! so sad to spent so much but no choice because i need something to carry my laptop...the bag is soooo big...not sure will i hv stupid look if i carry it in USM?
that night...it was usual for me to enjoy the night with radio...Flyfm aired trance musics all night! and 988 aired really really nice musics from japan at 10 to 11pm! i enjoyed until forget about my lap report...T_T
12th October 2008 Sunday (morning)
another day he is still in the vault...but i had an unhappy dream last night...i started to write this post...
somehow...i figured out one of the weaknesses of him...each time i tried to smile he stopped me from did it...is he scare of my smile so he stopping me from doing it? so i shall smile always in front of friends although he hurts me...i want to smile until he cannot hold me any longer...if can i should laugh...like jelly...but will this work? i shall give it a try...just afraid he will come out with new strategy to attack me...i just...have to...keep on moving...until i found my true happiness...
thank you guys...i didn't really want to drop tears in front of you guys but i did...so shameful...
i really touched by the way you guys support me...i never felt this before after she left...all the time i tried to support my feeling myself but failed many times...until you guys showed me this morning...
however...i still feel hurt a lot each time i try to turn myself on...still very painful...
i saw myself through the mirror again...i was scared by myself...the person in the mirror showed an serious face...his eyes looked so scary...and felt he warned me something...i felt hurt a lot each time i stared at him...and reflected my old self...
i feel like im running away from the truth...am i?...i dunno...
i received a song from my old self after i went back home today...
i forget why i have this song...after i played it...it started to flash back my memory...
this song is from the movie Accuracy of Death(not really this name)
the song named Sunny Day, sing by 小西真奈美(Konishi Manami)
after i found the true meaning of the song...i felt it might suit how i felt today, but i dun think it is fully true...maybe it is just an coincidence...
here i will share the translated lyric to u guys...the song somehow touched my feeling...if u all wish for the song can get from me...becoz it is too hard to be found...my old self told me...
What spilled out
Wasn’t a tear but a praying voice
What I looked up at
Was the sun above the clouds
I was living like I was asleep
I was always alone
Until the day I met you
I was always, always here
Even if there’s a love song
I could sing by myself
This warmth from the touch of your arms
Can’t be found alone
If I had put on a mask
Then I felt I might have forgotten
I shut away my memories
And locked them in a box
Even in that dark place
I was able to find you
Even if I can’t return
I’ll keep going farther, farther
Even if there’s a love song
That recalls loneliness
I can’t reach it alone
So I’ll walk out once more
Toward the door to tomorrow
With you…
I’ll transform sadness
Into kindness
And someday
Once I’ve set my true self free
The pain will disappear
I know it
I don’t need a love song
I can sing by myself anymore
I can’t find it alone
But with you I know
We can find a place where the sun shines
A tomorrow I’ve never seen
it is still another day...as usual...
i woke up again...still alive...as usual...
i packed up my things and went to class...still as usual...
it was still another same lecture hours...as usual...
i still meet my friends...as usual...
we went eat together at Subaidah...still as usual...
we still have fun and jokes...as usual...
i still keep quiet...as usual...
my heart still reject what i wish to change...as usual...
people around me still writing sms...as usual...
people around me still chatting on phone...as usual...
nothing happen to my phone...still as usual...
im still feel lonely somehow...as usual...
when i sit together with people, they were all busy with their phone...
if it was not sms, it was another call...
they were telling stories and what they were doing on phone...
they are having someone on the phone who cares about each other...
no matter where i go and what time it is...people busy with their phone...
no one sms or call me...my phone remained silent...
i used to have days with lots of sms and phone calls from someone i care...
i used to have someone care about me every moment...and call me when im sad and lonely...
since she left...it is over...
days pass by with my phone silent all the time...
somehow i wonder if those days will come for another time...
im having another lonely day...accompany by active time...
it is still very hard... to forget about my past time...
i still miss her...all the time...
i wonder if i should put a stop...to my life time...
if only i get the permission...from time...
today is the day i promised myself to be a new person...
however things not going well, i hv tried to change, but there is always something wrong...
i dunno y my heart feel so heavy when try to change myself?
each time i try to smile, i stil feel the hurt although im not think about the past time...
i tried to speak infront of friends, but i dunno why it is hard to speak out...
i tried to show a happy face infront of friends, however my heart feel heavy and hurt more each time i do it...
i ended up in depression... and the rain started to fall like always... is it another coincidence?
what happen to me? is there something missing to be a new person?
maybe my heart prevent me to be a new person...
maybe im meant to be my old self... all alone with no friend...
i have disappointed my friends...
and i have disappointed myself...
however...i wont give up...
i don't want to disappoint my friend...
i will keep moving on...
just wish that the pain in my heart can be removed soon...
im full of painful past time... and i dun wan to carry it 4ever...
i hv to forget all of it, there is only one way, to turn into a new leaf...
i want to forget everything about penang, and be a newbie of penang...
i hv to overwrite all the painful memory, by getting all the grateful time with friends...
i dun need fake emotion mask anymore, i wan to smile naturally in front of friends.
i dun need old friends anymore, coz i hv true friends in campus...
i dun care if my hands sweat anytime, i need good emotions to meet friends...
i dun care if my past time strike into my mind again, i will try to overcome it...
i will think positive...and feel alive again...^^
i finally realize that...im...not alone...anymore... =)
about a month ago i attended this yukata wearing section in USM.
i looks so ugly in this outfit, and i have sleep face also...
and dunno why so many ppl wan take photo with me, im not a model...
some ppl wan me take photo 2gether(p/s : they are not my gf!)
twins???
girls got ribbon behind, but boys dun have,
no place for me to take photo, so i was forced to pose like this...
feel so shame that y i put these pic, embarrass me nia!
