How I've dealt with the loss of my sister & best friend these last 8 years.

I've been thinking a lot lately on the past 8 years.  They have been emotionally draining & rocked me in every way.  As you all know or maybe you didn't till now, my little sister Kaylee passed away on September 14, 2007.  To give a little back story I would about our relationship: Kaylee was 21 months younger than me.  I was over joyed with her joining our family.  I had a real life doll to play with.  I would smother her in kisses & couldn't get enough of her.  As we grew that didn't change.  We were inseparable.  Every home video or picture shows us right next to each other, always playing, laughing and having a blast.  We had so much in common & truly had a love for one another that is truly rare even amongst sisters.  We understood one another.  We saw each other for who we were & we had this trust & loyalty that was incredible.  I always felt so lucky to have a built in best friend.  I didn't need to bring a friend along on trips or to other activities, I had one.  We shared friends and always hung out in groups.  We even slept in the same bed together almost every night even though we had separate rooms.  We shared our dreams of marrying hot brothers and living next door to one another.  She wanted to be a nurse, to help others.  She dreamed of being able to make a difference.  She had a way of caring for others unlike any other.  When she loved someone, she put her heart and soul into them.  Being this way was a blessing & a curse.  She was hurt by friends & boys often.  But then never stopped her from being loving.  She would always tell me how much she loved & cared for me.  She would stick up for me & would have my back regardless of the circumstances.  If I didn't like someone she needed no reasons to feel the same.  I felt like I was the luckiest to have been blessed with her as my sister.  She was the funnest girl, always dancing, saying silly things and just being random.  She had a great voice and could belt it out.  One of my favorite memories was our car rides to school, we would dance & sing and be crazy.  We could always be ourselves & we never held anything back.  As we got older & I was getting ready to leave for college things were hard.  We both struggled with knowing we would be 2 states away.  We hared the thought of that.  So we planned that Kaylee would take extra credits & try to graduate early so she could meet me in Utah.  I thought that one year is doable.  Obviously we would see each other often for visits.  We packed all my stuff up & headed to Utah.  I was excited to finally be on my own but was feeling guilty for leaving her back home.  It was a tearful goodbye, I felt a pit in my stomach but knew this was a part of growing up.  The next few weeks we talked & texted everyday, she was not enjoying school & was having a hard time.  She really wanted to be with me.  I would tell her to hold on & be strong, that we would be together soon.  That was the last words I actually spoke to her.  On the afternoon of September 14, 2007.  I was at the pool with some friends, I went to look at my phone and had 10 missed calls from my mom & other family members.  I immediately called my mom.  In hysterical words she sentenced together that Kaylee is in a bad accident & that she was almost there.  She said I needed to tell my brother ( he lived right by me) & find the next flight.  I was frantic.  I was in shock.  I hurried, packed a small bag & drove to my brothers.  His GF's family got us the next available flight back home to OR.  We headed on to 1 1/2 drive to the airport.  The whole drive we cried, we were anxious.  I couldn't imagine her not being in my life.  So I kept saying that she will be fine, she's hurt but she will be okay.  I prayed over & over.  My brother comforting me as well.  I texted anyone & everyone asking for prayers on her behalf.  We got to the airport, waiting to hear a status update.  We were about to board the plane when my dad called my brother.  As he answered, I saw his face turn white & a look of pure shock.  immediately I knew.  She had been hit my a gas truck as she was trying to turn left at a dangerous intersection.  She didn't gauge his speed right and pulled out & was hit on her side of the car.  Smashing her into the car.  I went into what i would call a complete panic attack.  I fell to the floor, I couldn't move, speak or think.  I was uncontrollable.  My world was shattered.  I couldn't comprehend it.  At some point my brother had to physically get me up and take me on the plane.  The actual plane ride was such a blur.  I couldn't do anything but cry.  When we got off the plane we went straight to the hospital.  Seeing my family was so bittersweet.  We hugged & cried.  The sadness on my parents face was something I will never forget.  As we prepared to go into the room that she was in I felt carried.  I felt god truly carried me in there.  Cause there was no way I could have gotten in there without help.  As I saw her laying there on the hospital bed with tubes all over I felt numb.  She looked beautiful, she looked still there.  I was confused & angry,  I wanted to know why she looked okay, but was not still there?  I wanted to know what else they could do.  There had to be something.  But that's when it was explained to me that is was all internal, she had so much internal bleeding & damage.  I feel like those moments stood still.  We all prayed & sang families can be together forever.  We were all a mess.  We stayed with her as long as we could.  Those last moments with her I will never forget.  Truly something that will forever live in my mind.  The few weeks following that day were fuzzy.  It was full of condolences & grief.  I felt like I was just watching it all go by like an out of body experience.  Her funeral was packed, I have never seen that many people at one before.  My whole family spoke & tried to share our feelings without being completely consumed by sadness.  The next few months to a year I was a mess.  In every way.  I was back in Utah trying to be a college student.  I couldn't do it.  I quit my dental assisting school & tried to find a part time job.  I was all over the place.  Emotionally & spiritually a disaster.  I felt lost.  I was not the person I needed to be.  I tried to numb my pain.  I felt I had no one.  Even though I had my family, I felt alone.  I went through all the usual emotions, of anger, sadness, denial.  It wasn't until I hit a breaking point.  I moved back home with my parents & got help.  I went to an amazing counselor who help me actually deal with my pain.  She helped me with my compulsive behavior.  It was what I needed.  I loved being home with my family but also hated being "home" without her.  Everything reminded me of her.  It was good & bad.  The grief my parents were going through was severe.  I felt inadequate to help them.  I knew that I had to do what Kaylee would do and just Love.  Since then I have been in a better place.  I am spiritually strong and know that it is because of my heavenly father & savior.  I know that because of Kaylee I am stronger, more loving and live life to the fullest.  I have had several spiritual experiences that I will now never deny that she is still here, she is alive & able to visit me.  Although I feel like I am doing as good as I can I do still feel like no one can relate.  It's been a struggle to find friends who truly care.  Ive had to realize that this is a lonely journey.  That others cannot relate, and it was been hard to see how uncompassionate people can be.  Luckily I have the best husband who has truly been remarkably kind, loving and the best listener.  He has been there for me these last 6 years.  I would't be where I am without him.  I also know that my family as become incredibly close because of this tragedy,  We love each other so much and truly want to be together forever.  I am so thankful for them.  This life is rough, it never goes as expected.  So what I've learned is that you have to love others, be there for them and truly put your god first.  He can help mend any whole that you have.  I am thankful for the knowledge of eternal families.  That this life isn't the end.  That I will see Kaylee again.  I will be her forever sister. That gives me so much peace.  My love for her is never ending.  It is something that can't be accurately described in words.  This is my battle on this earth, to keep going, to be the person Kaylee always saw in me.  It's been a really hard 8 years and It's not something I've won, it's a continual battle.  I have days I don't want to get out of bed, where I still feel like it was yesterday but yet I feel as though I haven't seen her face in a lifetime.  But I have been given the best gifts.  My daughters.  My sweet Kaylee Kay.  Truly has been my angel.  She has done for me what my sister had always done for me my whole life.  She loves me without any conditions or expectations.  She is the sweetest thing in the world.  I hope that through sharing my experience I can help others.  That through my pain i can lessen someone else's.  I hope that my testimony can strengthen a weary soul.  That I can help others be more compassionate.  I feel like I need to keep writing my feeling as they come down.  That I can share with others.  I love you Kaylee Kathy.