How I've dealt with the loss of my sister & best friend these last 8 years.

I've been thinking a lot lately on the past 8 years.  They have been emotionally draining & rocked me in every way.  As you all know or maybe you didn't till now, my little sister Kaylee passed away on September 14, 2007.  To give a little back story I would about our relationship: Kaylee was 21 months younger than me.  I was over joyed with her joining our family.  I had a real life doll to play with.  I would smother her in kisses & couldn't get enough of her.  As we grew that didn't change.  We were inseparable.  Every home video or picture shows us right next to each other, always playing, laughing and having a blast.  We had so much in common & truly had a love for one another that is truly rare even amongst sisters.  We understood one another.  We saw each other for who we were & we had this trust & loyalty that was incredible.  I always felt so lucky to have a built in best friend.  I didn't need to bring a friend along on trips or to other activities, I had one.  We shared friends and always hung out in groups.  We even slept in the same bed together almost every night even though we had separate rooms.  We shared our dreams of marrying hot brothers and living next door to one another.  She wanted to be a nurse, to help others.  She dreamed of being able to make a difference.  She had a way of caring for others unlike any other.  When she loved someone, she put her heart and soul into them.  Being this way was a blessing & a curse.  She was hurt by friends & boys often.  But then never stopped her from being loving.  She would always tell me how much she loved & cared for me.  She would stick up for me & would have my back regardless of the circumstances.  If I didn't like someone she needed no reasons to feel the same.  I felt like I was the luckiest to have been blessed with her as my sister.  She was the funnest girl, always dancing, saying silly things and just being random.  She had a great voice and could belt it out.  One of my favorite memories was our car rides to school, we would dance & sing and be crazy.  We could always be ourselves & we never held anything back.  As we got older & I was getting ready to leave for college things were hard.  We both struggled with knowing we would be 2 states away.  We hared the thought of that.  So we planned that Kaylee would take extra credits & try to graduate early so she could meet me in Utah.  I thought that one year is doable.  Obviously we would see each other often for visits.  We packed all my stuff up & headed to Utah.  I was excited to finally be on my own but was feeling guilty for leaving her back home.  It was a tearful goodbye, I felt a pit in my stomach but knew this was a part of growing up.  The next few weeks we talked & texted everyday, she was not enjoying school & was having a hard time.  She really wanted to be with me.  I would tell her to hold on & be strong, that we would be together soon.  That was the last words I actually spoke to her.  On the afternoon of September 14, 2007.  I was at the pool with some friends, I went to look at my phone and had 10 missed calls from my mom & other family members.  I immediately called my mom.  In hysterical words she sentenced together that Kaylee is in a bad accident & that she was almost there.  She said I needed to tell my brother ( he lived right by me) & find the next flight.  I was frantic.  I was in shock.  I hurried, packed a small bag & drove to my brothers.  His GF's family got us the next available flight back home to OR.  We headed on to 1 1/2 drive to the airport.  The whole drive we cried, we were anxious.  I couldn't imagine her not being in my life.  So I kept saying that she will be fine, she's hurt but she will be okay.  I prayed over & over.  My brother comforting me as well.  I texted anyone & everyone asking for prayers on her behalf.  We got to the airport, waiting to hear a status update.  We were about to board the plane when my dad called my brother.  As he answered, I saw his face turn white & a look of pure shock.  immediately I knew.  She had been hit my a gas truck as she was trying to turn left at a dangerous intersection.  She didn't gauge his speed right and pulled out & was hit on her side of the car.  Smashing her into the car.  I went into what i would call a complete panic attack.  I fell to the floor, I couldn't move, speak or think.  I was uncontrollable.  My world was shattered.  I couldn't comprehend it.  At some point my brother had to physically get me up and take me on the plane.  The actual plane ride was such a blur.  I couldn't do anything but cry.  When we got off the plane we went straight to the hospital.  Seeing my family was so bittersweet.  We hugged & cried.  The sadness on my parents face was something I will never forget.  As we prepared to go into the room that she was in I felt carried.  I felt god truly carried me in there.  Cause there was no way I could have gotten in there without help.  As I saw her laying there on the hospital bed with tubes all over I felt numb.  She looked beautiful, she looked still there.  I was confused & angry,  I wanted to know why she looked okay, but was not still there?  I wanted to know what else they could do.  There had to be something.  But that's when it was explained to me that is was all internal, she had so much internal bleeding & damage.  I feel like those moments stood still.  We all prayed & sang families can be together forever.  We were all a mess.  We stayed with her as long as we could.  Those last moments with her I will never forget.  Truly something that will forever live in my mind.  The few weeks following that day were fuzzy.  It was full of condolences & grief.  I felt like I was just watching it all go by like an out of body experience.  Her funeral was packed, I have never seen that many people at one before.  My whole family spoke & tried to share our feelings without being completely consumed by sadness.  The next few months to a year I was a mess.  In every way.  I was back in Utah trying to be a college student.  I couldn't do it.  I quit my dental assisting school & tried to find a part time job.  I was all over the place.  Emotionally & spiritually a disaster.  I felt lost.  I was not the person I needed to be.  I tried to numb my pain.  I felt I had no one.  Even though I had my family, I felt alone.  I went through all the usual emotions, of anger, sadness, denial.  It wasn't until I hit a breaking point.  I moved back home with my parents & got help.  I went to an amazing counselor who help me actually deal with my pain.  She helped me with my compulsive behavior.  It was what I needed.  I loved being home with my family but also hated being "home" without her.  Everything reminded me of her.  It was good & bad.  The grief my parents were going through was severe.  I felt inadequate to help them.  I knew that I had to do what Kaylee would do and just Love.  Since then I have been in a better place.  I am spiritually strong and know that it is because of my heavenly father & savior.  I know that because of Kaylee I am stronger, more loving and live life to the fullest.  I have had several spiritual experiences that I will now never deny that she is still here, she is alive & able to visit me.  Although I feel like I am doing as good as I can I do still feel like no one can relate.  It's been a struggle to find friends who truly care.  Ive had to realize that this is a lonely journey.  That others cannot relate, and it was been hard to see how uncompassionate people can be.  Luckily I have the best husband who has truly been remarkably kind, loving and the best listener.  He has been there for me these last 6 years.  I would't be where I am without him.  I also know that my family as become incredibly close because of this tragedy,  We love each other so much and truly want to be together forever.  I am so thankful for them.  This life is rough, it never goes as expected.  So what I've learned is that you have to love others, be there for them and truly put your god first.  He can help mend any whole that you have.  I am thankful for the knowledge of eternal families.  That this life isn't the end.  That I will see Kaylee again.  I will be her forever sister. That gives me so much peace.  My love for her is never ending.  It is something that can't be accurately described in words.  This is my battle on this earth, to keep going, to be the person Kaylee always saw in me.  It's been a really hard 8 years and It's not something I've won, it's a continual battle.  I have days I don't want to get out of bed, where I still feel like it was yesterday but yet I feel as though I haven't seen her face in a lifetime.  But I have been given the best gifts.  My daughters.  My sweet Kaylee Kay.  Truly has been my angel.  She has done for me what my sister had always done for me my whole life.  She loves me without any conditions or expectations.  She is the sweetest thing in the world.  I hope that through sharing my experience I can help others.  That through my pain i can lessen someone else's.  I hope that my testimony can strengthen a weary soul.  That I can help others be more compassionate.  I feel like I need to keep writing my feeling as they come down.  That I can share with others.  I love you Kaylee Kathy.

Brixtyn Chiami's Birth Story!

On Wednesday May, 14 I had a doctors my weekly doctors appt.  I was 37 weeks & 5 days.  Zack had asked me if he should come and I said " No, just stay at work, I'm not having any contractions right now and I already have a neighbor friend watching Kay."  He insisted that he felt like he needed to be there but again I said it wasn't necessary.  At my previous appt, that week earlier I was at 3 cm dilated and 80% effaced.  I had Kaylee at 37 weeks 5 days exactly...kind of crazy.  So anyways I had been having lots of contractions and signs of labor off & on the past couple weeks.  I had also had some fluid leaks but thought it was probably just pee or normal stuff.  I did not want to go to the hospital like I did with Kay twice for false alarms, so I didn't take it too seriously since it wasn't a ton of fluid.  So I go into my appt. and she checks me, I'm at a 5 and 90% effaced.  then she measures my tummy as she does every appt.  But this time she says " Weird you are measuring more like 35 weeks today, which is very starnge since you have been always measuring right on track."  She insisted we go into the ultrasound room to check out baby.  I am very nervous at this point and get a sick feeling in my stomach.  She starts the ultrasound and looks all around and has a concerned look on her face.  She then tells me that I have almost zero fluid left.  At this point I should have between 12-15 ounces of fluid & i have about 3.  Then she starts measuring baby and says that she is small and hasn't been growing like shes suppose to due to lack of fluid.  Then she says "You are going to have this baby today!"  I'm shocked, scared, anxious, and start crying.  She tells me not to worry that baby looks healthy but she will grow better outside the womb.  She tells me to head to labor and delivery.  I run out of there immediately call Zack.  I can't really talk cause I'm a blubbery mess.  He is panicked and is crying and all i get out is to come home now, that baby has to come today. I also call my mom whose all the way in Oregon and say tell her to catch the next flight,  she of course being the best mommy in the world finds a flight that leaves in and hour and rushes to the airport.  She says it gets in at 4:30.  SO I am so nervous she won't make it for the delivery, which i really want cause I love having my mommy. I run home to tell my neighbor/friend what's going on and to see if she can watch baby till my sis in law can come get her, But when i get there and see Kaylee outside I run to her and am just bawling,  It hit me that today would be the day she wouldn't be my only girl anymore ad for some reason it made me so emotional, I didn't want to let her go.  But I had to run to the house grab my hospital bag,  Zack gets there and we are both still crying and hug each other for a good 5 minutes.  We then go and say bye again to kay and both feel sad to leave her.  Finally we arrive at the hospital about 1 pm in the afternoon.  They hook me all up to the IV's and Pitocin.  About 30 min later my doctor comes to break my water,  which is more like a trickle compared to last time since I had almost no fluid left.  After that my contractions become strong and really close together,  I decide it's epidural time about 3:00.  They had me lay on my side this time for the epidural instead of sitting up hunched like last time with Kay, I didn't like it and I felt it more this time.  But not bad.  Once it kicked in I was in heaven.  I LOVE epidurals.  At this point I was just chilling eating popsicles, laughing, waiting to dilate more.  It's 4:50 and they check me and say I'm still only at a 6, then my mom walks in and I ask her to rub my feet with the Clary Sage Doterra Oil (it's suppose to help dilate you)  After she rubs my feet for like 10 min.  They come in again to check me.  They say I'm at an 8+ and that it's Go time.  I'm like wow did that oil really do that? either way I was thrilled.  My doc comes in and has me to a couple half pushes to get to a 10.  Once I'm at a 10 I do 2 big pushes during contractions and she's here!  At 5:31 pm, only about 4 hours from start to finish.  The sweetest girl,  who looks just like Kay.  I pull her on to me and am in love.  She's beautiful & most importantly healthy.  She was small but nothing abnormal for her earliness.  Weighing 5 lbs 13 ounces,  19 inches long.  She has blonde hair and blue eyes, she has my rounder head and Zack's lips. 
Luckily  I had zero stitches or tearing luckily, which is awesome.  My doctor calls me a labor Rockstar, which is very flattering,  but I think it helps that I have small babies!  I absolutely love Labor, everything about it.  It's truly the most spiritual time in my life,  I feel god's love for me through my children.  I know it's what life is all about,  and of course having the sweetest most loving, kind husband makes it all that much better.  I love his sensitivity and that he is not afraid to express his love for his girls.  He is my best friend.  It was the sweetest thing to see Kay come in and kiss her sister,  it brought so much happiness.  I can't wait for these girls to be best friends like me and my sister were.  I want them to love each other more than anything.  Kay is not always a fan of Brixtyn getting attention but she is warming up more each day.  Brixtyn is calm, easy going and sleepy as can be.  She is amazing.  She had a little bit of jaundice but it went away on it's own.  She sleeps from about 10-7 straight at night.  It's such a blessing.  I am so thankful that everything went so well.  I still can't believe I'm a mom of two.  So far it has been way better than I thought, easier and less stressful than I had imagined.  I'm sure it helps that baby sleeps so good already.  I am thankful my mom made it and that her and my dad came and stayed for a week and helped out so much.  They are the best.  I also did a Birth story Video that truly is amazing and captured it so well.  I wish I would of done one with Kaylee.  Here is the video and some pics of that amazing day! Heres the link to the video: http://vimeo.com/96038116

Almost 25 weeks baby update.

ahh! cray! can't believe I am only 15 weeks away from this due date.  It truly has gone by super fast so far.  Last time it went by so slow, and I couldn't handle the wait.  But this time It's flying by and I am totally okay waiting.  I think it's because I am already taking care of a hyper toddler all day and really am preoccupied with Kay.  I also think that I am fine waiting to have baby number 2 since I still have a ton to do and I am trying to get mentally prepared again to do this all over again.  I mean I love everything about the labor with Kay and she was a great newborn who slept through the night at 8 weeks old.  Thank heavens.  It's just the unknown again like what if's.  What if this labor is horrible or if this baby has cholic and never sleeps lol.  Luckily i've done it before so I am more prepared and know what to expect for the most part.  I am also a little sad to think that Kay coud feel kinda pushed to the side.  I know that she will adjust and hopefully love her lil sis right away like i did my little sister growing up.  I know my heart will equally split my love for the both of them and I am so excited to see Kay be a big sister.  She is already so cute and kisses my belly and says sister all the time.  I am lucky that she is so kind hearted and has really grown into a sweet, good sharing, loving girl.  I adore her and know that this next baby will have my heart too.  We are thinking Brixtyn Chiami Nelson now for the name... we love it and i know a lot of peeps don't but whatevs.  I love different names, i mean come on look at my name.


I have felt great these last few months and have gotten some energy back.  I still have my usual back pain from the babies position but its manageable.  I have super bad constipation...TMI oh well.  But i think ive got the solution down.  I have gained almost 10 lbs now, which is about the same as with Kaylee.  My chest is getting ginormous and so heavy.  I'm not excited for pamela anderson boobs again but oh well.    Trying to do stretching and some sort of activity daily but usually ends up just chasing kay around as my exercise.  Been eating pretty healthy 75% of the time.  Having protein or spinach smoothies at least 5 days a week.  But i go cray at night about 8 pm and could eat everything & anything in sight!  Especially donuts, ice cream, candy, frosty!  Still obsessed with red meat and always crave a juicy steak or prime rib on the daily.  Overall feeling great, happy, and just enjoying it.  So blessed and lucky. i love y cute fam and my sweet husband who does everything and anything anytime i need something,  so kind and always there for me...I love his excitement to have another girl, he's the best daddy ever.  Here's some pics from the last few months & some decor for the nursery and some from Today doing yoga with Kay haha

 

 

Baby number 2!!! Yay! 16 weeks!

So we have been wanting another baby since well always lol we have always imagined two lil besties playing together! So as soon as Kay turned one (March) we started getting down to business...literally.  A few months went by and we were like ehh it's okay it always takes a few months but by the 5th month I was realizing I was having pain and needed to go get checked out... They said I was experiencing pain from something called endometriosis.  Which was prob why we also weren't getting pregnant.  I felt discouraged but decided to go on Chlomid ( meds that help you ovulate) after 2 months on the meds we got pregnant!! We were so happy and both cried with joy.  8 months of trying seemed so long to us even though I know that it is nothing compared to some peoples experience who have it take years or never can have kids so we felt really blessed that it did happen.  But our scares we're not over... As I approached week 5 I went to a work out class that made me feel so sick I came home laid down then when I woke up I had major pain and bleeding.  Called me doc and went in the next day to do an ultrasound.  They said it looked like a tubal pregnancy, which means that baby will not make it.  I was so devastated, but felt as though they were wrong.  They said to get some blood work done to check my HCG levels and see if they were progressing(doubling) like they we're suppose to.  So I did and they were normal,  I felt relief.  We had another ultrasound a week later and they said that is was not tubular but that I had a huge cyst on my right ovary that was massive but worst of all a blood clot in my womb next to the baby that was large.  They said we would have to do ultrasounds every week to make sure it's not getting bigger so it doesn't cause the baby any harm.  Again I was very nervous and scared but still had a feeling of peace that it would be okay.  We went in for my 9 week appt. and they said the clot was starting to liquify and go away.  It was great news!!  Now the only thing causing me pain was my stupid huge cyst that could rupture at anytime.  But at my 13 week appt that was also half the size.  So all in all I we are so blessed that baby is healthy and no more problems....for now!  We found out on the 3rd that is was another baby GIRL.  I thought for sure it was a boy since I felt way worse than I had with Kay.  Plus I really wanted my studly football playing boy but I was fine with either.  Now Kay can have a built in best friend like I did with my sister Kaylee.  I think it's so meant to be.  I am so excited for these girls to have each other. Now we need to pick a name.. We are leaning towards Holland Chiami Nelson,  but we will see if it sticks.  I am feeling great now, just still more tired than normal.  I'm seeming to be carrying the same as I did with kay( which is baby back in my spine) so some back pain starting.  We can't wait to be parents of two girls. Zack is the perfect girl dad, so sweet and sensitive.  Can't wait for a newborn again I've been dying for one.  They are the sweetest, hopefully this girl will be a sleeper like Kay has always been.  I also can't wait for another nursery to decorate.  I'm thinking grey & coral!  Can't wait to start.  Here is some pics of baby and the way we announced it to everyone.   Also my 16 week pic from today! 

Catch up Post!!!

Ahhhh.  So I have been so bad lately at blogging.  No real reason just pure laziness. So I'm here to do a little catching up.  Last post was Kaylee's 16 month update.  She is now almost 20 months!! Crazy!   So as most of you know we moved into a home in may that we built & I have been busy busy decorating & trying to keep this 4800 sq feet home clean & organized while being a mom to a hyper toddler.  It was been a great transition and we LOVE our home.  We love our new ward & we love our neighbors.  Although we miss are old ones (but luckily we are still friends & see them often)! I started being a consultant for Hot Mess Cosmetics in August & have been loving every minute of it.  I get to do it when i want & it's so fun.  We also went to Disneyland with Zacks Fam for a week & it was a blast, Kay had the time of her life.  She was so cute on all the rides and couldn't get enough.  It was a fun vacay with the Nelson Clan.  Life has had it's up & downs lately....I am glad we are finally on the up I would say though.  I will post next week about a few new & exciting things in our lives:)  So First I want to start by saying how much I love my sweet Kaylee and want to go over all of her new & exciting things shes into & doing.

Kaylee Kay update:
Age: almost 20 months on the 15th!
Weight:22 lbs still a small thing
height: 32 inches.  She is actually 52% now so average woohooo!

Words she says:
 mom
dad
grama (grandma)
bumpa( grandpa)
baby
doll
doggie
cat
meow
ruff ruff
fish
water
milk
sippy
bink
hello, hi
hello guys
thank you ( all day everyday)
love you
right there
over there
this
pleeease
okay
buh bye
there she is!
shoes
hair
belly
eyes
nose
feet
diaper
ew
yucky
stinky
outside
car
downstairs
one
two
three
ready set go
lets go
cute
phone
monkey
fuzzy
yayyyy
oh wow
oh my
cheese
candy
No no no
cow
moo
want some
more
see u later
caitlin
Kay Kay
Jesus
potty
kiss
eat
run
jump

Im sure there is more but all i can think of right now lol She is a smartie & I am a proud mommy!

She loves music & dancing still & her baby doll.  Loves yogurt, eggs, bread, cheese, ham, spaghetti, RANCH, all sauces, candy, soup, popsicles, green smoothies, crackers, granola bars, cereal, oatmeal, juice, milk, PB&J, all fruit, cucumbers, pasta, mexican, rice.

She is like a sponge right now learning new things everyday.  She is constantly talking & saying new things.  She knows how to take her clothes off & she is obsessed with the phone & facetiming!  She loves being outside even if its cold.  She is the sweetest girl in the world.  Always saying thank you & hugging me.  She fills my love bucket everyday.  I sure love being her mommy. 

I am going to start potty training her in the next month as soon as i feel all prepared.  I will be doing the 3 day potty training course that I think will totally work.  Kay hates her diaper & loves her toilet, she is so good at comprehension I know she is ready, plus I am over diapers & fighting to have her wear them!  So wish us luck! I'm sure it will be super hard but I am going to at least try!

16 month old Kaylee Kay

Where has the freakin frakin time gone?  I can't believe it has been 4 months since kays 1st birthday bash.  I really hate how fast it goes, and how much things she used to do disappear & I already forget somethings.  I wish I had one of those amazing photographic memories.  Kay is the exact baby girl i dreamed about....so fun, loving, and silly.  She laughs at everything, even her self.  I could kiss her all day, and i do.

* Started fully walking at 13 months

*Started crawling up the stairs at 9 months & down at 14 months

* Still sleeps through the night 8-8. 

* Takes 2 naps a day.  3-4 hours total.

* Loves the pool, being outside and being a big girl.

* Loves to push the shopping cart, wave at everyone & says HI really loud.

* Still does "tickle tickle"

* Can pretty much run, shes fast

* Favorite foods: yogurt, cottage cheese, banana, strawberries, graham crackers, mashed taters, fries, waffles, scrambled eggs, green smoothies, otter pops.

* Does not like being in her carseat,  she tries to break free and has succeeded a few times. SCARY.

* Loves when I scare her, or bark like a dog and crawl after her

* obsessed with dogs, cats, horses...really anything furry.  She calls them all Doggies.

* Loves her cousins Kate & Tessa so much, tries to be big girls like them.

* loves climbing, walking, pulling drawers out, cupboards, playing with water bottles, phones, purses.

* Had her first scary accident,  pulled my jewelery dresser & nightstand down on top of her all in one day.  poor girl got a bloody nose & bruises:(

* Still loves to hug & kiss.  Randomly comes and hugs me all day. so sweet.

* Loves music, and dancing.  She puts on a lil show, especially if you say "Go Kaylee Go"

I'm so lucky to be your mom sweet kay!

Kaylee Kay's 1st Birthday Party!

Seriously, where has the time gone???  Can't believe my little baby doll face is one now.  The year literally flew by.  I look back with the fondest of memories.  It has truly been the best year of our lives.  Looking at her new born pics I can't even comprehend that she was that little.  I miss that sweet little thing who i held literally all day just staring into her deep blue eyes.  Sometimes it still seems so surreal that I am a mama.  Now a mama to a toddler....what!! The love I have for this girl is really hard to put into words, the closest thing I can think I can relate it to is the love the savior has for us.  It is pure and beyond this world.  Literally would give of my life for her.  Motherhood is truly the closest thing to godliness.  I feel so blessed to be a woman and be able to bring life into the world.  I  know that having a family is the reason we are on this earth, to bring forth life and raise them to love God.  I cannot wait to be able to teach sweet Kay all about her loving father in heaven and about the plan to return to him.  But for now i will cherish all these precious moments.  Okay enough with the mushy stuff.

Party time.  So  as you know 1st Birthdays are a Big deal.  You have to go all out.  So  being myself I overwhelmed myself with all I wanted to do..some ideas I had to give up since it wasn't summer yet...lame.  But  I decided to do a multi color party with lots of food.  We had croissants with cranberry chicken mix inside, strawberry spinach salad, fruit & dip & veggies & dip.  Also i made vanilla almond cupcakes and a 2 tier Strawberry almond cake with Vanilla Butter cream frosting..  All homemade.  I tried a rose technique on cake & cupcakes,  but it wasn't the easiest thing, but at least I tried right. So i was baking up a storm.  I also did some fun decorations and made a birthday banner with pics from newborn to 12 months.  We  had lots of friends and family come over and had a blast eating, talking and watching Kay open presents.  We also gave her a birthday cupcake but being the non messy girl she is, she didn't get to crazy with it....lame.  I tried to make her smash her face but nope.  It was still fun watching her eat the cupcake which she enjoyed.  Overall it was a successful party and I am so glad I did all I did.  And Kay got spoiled as always:)

12 month check up:
weight: 20 lbs 34%
Height: 29 in.  28 %
 Healthy and petite as ever.  :)
Sleeps from 8-9 everyday, naps twice a day for 1 1/2 each time!
Almost walking, but im letting her take her time...crawling is so cute.  Drinks Whole milk.

Loves: Music, dancing, playing with remotes & Iphone.  All food, especially breads and cheese & potatoes.  Cuddling before bed.  Being Outside.  When Zack & I use our silly voices.  Crawling up all 2 sets of stairs.  Throwing clothes and opening drawers.  Wearing one of my necklaces.  Laughs everytime we close our eyes to say prayers.  Loves books.  Loves to hold on to a golf ball in the car, loves climbing all over daddy and pulling hair.  Playing with my wallet.  Loves to wave and Say Hi & Bye.  Says mama & dada and Yeah & No.  Said I love you perfectly.