The Dreaded Carpool Talk

This morning I was innocently driving my 7-year-old daughter, Chana, to school. Here's what transpired:

Chana: Where are babies kept when a mom is pregnant?

Me: ???

Chana: What part of the stomach?

Me: It's called a womb. Or a uterus. It's a part that women have that men don't.*

Chana: Oh.

Me: (whew!)

Chana: Are there any parts that men have that women don't?

Me: (!!!) Um, er, well, pretty much just the parts you already know about.

Chana: What do you mean?

Me: Have you been talking to Iguana?

Chana: What?

Me: Here we are at school! Have a great day! See you later! Love you!

*completely extraneous, possibly obvious, information that I should have not mentioned.

The Dreaded Dinner Talk

Around the dinner table, a few days after our last talk...

Iguana (10): So today, we had a nurse come in and tell us what has to happen to have a baby.

Abba (40): >choke< >gag< >cough<

Iguana: So she told us that we have a womb, and our wombs are growing now. And then pretty soon we're going to start get our periods.

Abba: >clears throat<

Iguana: Are you OK?

Abba: ...yeah...

The PT (5): What's a woom?

Iguana: So what I want to know is, like, how am I going to know when I need to put one of those pads on?

The PT: Is that like, a bedwoom? You know...like...BEDWOOM??

Abba: Well, I think that's a great question for your mother.

Iguana: Yeah, but you're here, and she's like way over there. (Gestures at Mrs. B minding her own business by the sink).

Abba: (Tries to get Mrs. B's attention)

Mrs. B: (Totally ignores Abba but seems to be smirking)

Abba: Yes, well most women have some kind of...stuff...that they can tell their period is coming.

Iguana: She also said that we wouldn't start having children until after we were married.

Abba: Good.

The PT: Hahaha I said BEDWOOM!!

Iguana: But what I want to know is, how does your body know that you're married?

Abba: Huh?

Iguana: I mean, what, you have the ceremony and suddenly your body knows you're married and you have a baby?

Abba: Sounds like maybe they didn't fill you in on all the details.

Mrs. B: (smiles and shakes head)

The PT: Hey, Iguana, let's go up to our bedwoom!

We have the technology

Mrs. R. took the girls to Disney on Ice (which is not, as I believed, a display of Walt's cryogenically frozen brain), where upon admission they received wristbands that light up when you press a button. Rivka, 5, needed to call me on the cell immediately.

Rivka (After explaining the wristbands at length): So, can you make them into walkie-talkies, so we can talk to each other on them?

Me: Um, I don't think I can do that, but you can use your imagination.

Rivka: But you have computers.

Closed

From the morning of December 25th, while making breakfast:

Oldest Son (one week shy of 6 years old): How come I don't have school today? [Oldest Son goes to a Jewish school]

Me: Because it's winter break.

Oldest Son: Is that why Abba's home too? Because it's winter break?

Me: No, Abba's home because he doesn't have to work today.

Oldest Son: Why not?

Me: Because today's a holiday.

Oldest Son: Then how come we're not in shul?

Me (concentrating on pouring pancake batter): Because it's not our holiday. Today is Christmas, which is a very important holiday for Christians.

Oldest Son: Oh, so today's a day when they go sing prayers in church?

Me: Many do, yes.

Oldest Son: And Abba doesn't have to work because it's Christmas?

Me: Yes.

Abba: My work is closed today. Lots of places are closed today for Christmas.

Oldest Son: Like my school is closed on Christmas?

Me (trying to phrase the distinction in simpler terms): Umm... it's closed for winter break, which includes Christmas.

Oldest Son: Oh. Well, if everything is closed for Christmas, does that mean people will think we're having Christmas, too, since Abba doesn't have to go to work and I don't have to go to school?

Me: Umm...er... I don't think people will think that.

Oldest Son: I know! I'll go put my kippah [yarmulke] on and then everyone will know I'm Jewish and I don't have school because it's winter break, not because it's Christmas. Abba, you should put your kippah on, too, so people know you're not having Christmas while you're not at work.

Abba: I'll get right on that.

Oldest Son: Quick, Abba! Before someone sees you!

Class dismissed

Chana (7): How much money do we have, at home and in the bank?

Me: Why?

Chana: I'm just curious. Do we have a thousand dollars?

Rivka (5): We have as much money as we need. We're middle class.

The Dreaded Talk

Discussion while sorting laundry...

Iguana (age 10): Abba, why don't boys have to wear swimming suits?

Abba (age 40): Boys do have to wear swimming suits.

Iguana: Na-uh, they wear swimming pants. Why don't they have to wear whole suits like girls?

Abba: Oh. Um.

Iguana: ?

Abba: Be...cause....girls have to....

Iguana: ?

Abba: Cover up...their....

Iguana: ??

Abba: ...cover up...their...girl...parts.

Iguana: Oh. Well my [DELETED]

Abba: I see. Well, that's something I didn't need to hear.

Iguana: Mommy says that when your [DELETED] it means you're going through puberty.

Abba: She did, did she?

Iguana: What's puberty?

Abba: Yah. Puberty is when...you start changing from a kid...into more like a grown-up.

Iguana: Oh, so you suddenly start talking about politics all the time?

Abba: Riiiight.

A little too real

(Sometimes I wonder if other people will find Sweetie's words as funny as I do. This time I'm not wondering.)

<Sweetie (7) was talking about wanting to pull my emergency brake>

- Do you remember there's an invisible wall between us? You don't mess with stuff while I'm driving.
- Oh, right... Ow!
- What?
- I got hurt.
- How did you get hurt?
- On the invisible wall.

What rhymes with Ninja?

I dressed up my 5 year old for the cold Milwaukee air with a coat, scarf, mittens, and the kind of ski cap that has a hole cut out for as much of your face as you are willing to part with. As I pulled it down over her head and tucked it into the coat she said - "Hey what do I look like? A Binja?"

Popular prophets

I took Chana, 7, to see "Happy Feet" last week. One of the previews was for "Evan Almighty," and it started with a list of prophets: "Abraham. Noah. Bruce." ("Bruce" is a reference to the previous movie in this series, "Bruce Almighty.")

Chana turns to me and asks, in a whisper, "How do they know about Abraham?"

Another Reason Not to Watch Football with the Kids...

Iguana: What did Terell Owens do?

Mrs. Balabusta: He gave the crowd the finger.

Iguana: ??

PT: He flipped the bird at them.

Iguana: ???

Fickle taste

(September)

Sweetie(7): That looks 'asgusting.
Me: Then you don't have to eat any.
Sweetie: Well, I could try it...
Me: <give her a bite>
Sweetie: I don't like it.
Me: <shrug>
Sweetie: Hey, can't I have some of that?
Me: I thought you didn't like it?
Sweetie: Well, I can try one more...
Me: <give her another bite>
...
Sweetie: I want more of that!

(November)
While eating burritos for dinner:

Beloved: This isn't spicy at all.
Sweetie: No, mine isn't spicy either.
Me: Well, it's too spicy for me.
...
Sweetie: This is too spicy! I don't like it. <starts fussing and complaining>
Me: <puts ranch dressing on hers, like mine> There, now it won't be so spicy.
Sweetie: It tastes nasty! I don't want it!
Me: You're not getting anything else.
...
Beloved: Was that a good dinner?
Sweetie: <rubs tummy> A'licious!

Clean-Up Time

We were expecting an important guest that was interviewing us for a position. I was kind of stressing out about getting the place in order. (I actually considered using my neighbor's apartment which is always immaculate, but decided it would be tough to explain the large number of pictures of a different couple around the entire apartment.) Mordechai(6) came up with a plan:

"Don't worry. We'll just make the closets messier and the room will be neater!"

Under control ;)

I was in my bedroom tidying up while the kids were playing in the living room. Ada (2) waddled into the room and announced to me, "Muchai bozzing Sayi." (translated from kidspeak: Mordechai is bothering Sari).

Me (concentrating on the pile of socks that seemed to have not a single pair): Mmhmm.

Ada (with added emphasis to convey a strong sense of urgency): Mommy, Muchai bozzing Sayi!

Me (shaking my head over the socks): *sigh*

Ada (giving up): I go tell Muchai.

With that, she bustled off importantly. And I was left to deal with my socks with the knowledge that Ada had everything in hand. Such a help, that little one ;).

cross-posted at May Cuties.

Waiting

Overheard at dinner Friday night...

Chana (7): Where's the wishbone?

Rivka (5): Chana, the wishbone is just a lie they tell us.

Chana: Nuh-uh. If you get the bigger part, it comes true.

Rivka: Well, on my first Thanksgiving, I made a wish, and still... NOTHING!

(She raised her fist to punctuate the "NOTHING!")

(Also worth noting - on her first Thanksgiving she was six months old.)

Age calculations

My uncle Menachem is visiting from Israel. Menachem is something of a clown and drives everyone crazy sometimes. We were at my mom's house today and so got to see them.

Menachem to Mordechai: How old are you now?

Mordechai: Six.

Menachem: How long did it take you to become six?

Mordechai: Two years.

Menachem: Two years? How do you figure that?

Mordechai: Well, the last time you were here I was four!

(How he remebered that Menachem was here about two years ago is beoyond me.)

Snowman in the Laundry Basket

Being Jewish (and young), my boys know very little about Christmas celebrations, secular or otherwise. Particularly, they know next to nothing about Santa, which is just fine with me. In fact, I knew that I was on the right track when a well-meaning woman at the grocery store asked Oldest Son (age 5), "What do you want Santa to bring you this year?"

Oldest Son: Santa?

Woman: Yes, what's Santa going to bring you for Christmas?

Oldest Son: Oh, we don't celebrate Christmas. We celebrate Chanukah. And guess what? We get to light candles and sing songs and tell stories and read books and play dreidel. I love to play dreidel! I can spin it all by myself! I can't wait for Chanukah!

Woman: Oh. Well, Mery Christmas.

I didn't even care about her Christmas wish after hearing all about our Chanukah celebrations. What I loved was how excited he was and how he never mentioned presents (which we do very little of, admittedly).

This was all reinforced days later when Oldest Son saw a huge inflatable yard decoration of Santa's legs and feet sticking out of a chimney. Now, both of my boys refer to Santa as a snowman (man in the snow - makes sense), and I haven't bothered to correct them.

Oldest Son: Look! A red snowman is upside down in a laundry basket. That's silly! [laughs] Hey Eema (Hebrew for "Mom"), are we gonna get to play dreidel again this year?

Me: Absolutely!