Elated

Okay, maybe not quite elated, but for no explicable reason I feel pretty good right now. Possible reasons may include:


Lolly fell asleep by herself in the living room--curled up all cute, naked, and covered in green marker (thank you so much Danielle for telling me about washable markers) on the white armchair, and smelling strongly of my favorite bath and bodyworks hand sanitizer, of which she is holding the now-empty bottle. But she smells absolutely delicious, and I am so happy to have a little smelly kid with so much curly hair and marker marks. I snatched her up and stuck her in her bed before the other kids woke her up--just in time, too. Enoch and Nana ran up right after I closed the door. Someone hit someone, and they made up and stopped crying much more quickly than usual--so that was nice. And since Levi is also asleep, I have appx 2 HOURS all to myself! (*insert crazy lady laugh right here) It was a nice break from what normally happens in the afternoon. (Even if I was scared sick that I couldn't find Lolly anywhere for a few minutes.)


I was able to go crafting today. I met two new people, and found out that Karie, whom I met on Sunday, is super cool. Seriously. You should see the pictures of the cakes she has made. I told her I want to be her best friend. She said that would be fine. lol


Robert watched the kids while I was out, apparently they had a lot of fun outside in the hammock and even played soccer, and he made zupa tuscana (or however you spell it) for me for lunch--and plenty of leftovers for dinner. YAY! He does make a mean bowl of zuppa toscana. . . even if he won't get home until 11:30 tonight. Again.


Last night Robert asked me out on a date to Waldameer tomorrow. He set up sitters and everything. I didn't even have to prompt him or anything! I don't think he's EVER done that before. Not even before we were married! (Okay, maybe he did then, but I'm not so sure. . .)


I tried the "waterfall braid" on myself today, and it was WAY easier than it looked like it would be. My hair isn't as straight as the lady in the tutorial, so it isn't quite the same, but it's all good. I curled mine just a little, and I really love the way it turned out. I'll be doing it again. For Sure. Oh, and I finally got my eyeshadow to do the things I've been trying for. I was HOT today--if I do say so myself.

Let's see. . . and I got an email from Kathy saying to come up with ideas for Super Saturday (I'm on the RS board). That is my FAVORITE thing to do--looking up crafting possibilities. And I got a phonecall from my friend asking if I could help with a RS activity. That's great too (both the phonecall and the assignment). Oh yeah, and Robert let me have the laptop today, which is so much faster than our desktop, and has one note and some other neat programs that I'm lovin'. I'm REALLY excited about that program. My life might actually start having some order from it! Especially my school life. Aaaaand, I just got on to google +, which so far I think is more awesome than facebook--I think, okay, I'm still on the fence, but it is pretty neat. I guess it's kind of like facebook and blogger combined, which is kind of nice. . . and of course, discovering pinterest a week or so ago has changed my life! Shoot, digital technology right now is SO fun!

Tooele Museum

Grandpa Gardner took us to the train museum in Tooele

It was pretty fun.

The kids loved it.

I couldn't get them to sit still for a decent picture for anything. . .

That's how much they loved it.

Anniversary #6

Robert's Mom watched the kids so we could go out. We got our favorite icecreams at the Dairy Keen in Heber, and then we were off to Park City!
Robert really wanted to go on the Alpine Slide--so I agreed. I was scared, but I agreed.
Getting ready to go.

So far I survived the lift ride. . .

See how much more relaxed he is than me? lol
It wasn't too bad, though. I actually really liked it. Just not the price ;D.

You can't go to Park City without window shopping. Loosey Moosey had a makeover since we saw her last. . .

These two look about the same, though.

MMMMMmmmmm. Mainstreet Pizza and Noodle. So Good!

The lighting was pretty good too.

All in all it was a great day. And we went dancing that night--which was a BLAST! But, we don't have any pics of that :/.

I have so much to do

There's so much I want to blog, study, create, clean, that I am paralyzed by the thought of all of it. I need to make a list. This is a good enough place to do it, right?

Complete Independent Study course
Catch up in Journal (I'm 4 weeks behind.)
Blog Trip to Utah
Create Travel Books
Create bathroom sign
Send signs to family
Clean.
Clean some more.
Excercise
Laundry
De-Junk!

Now, where to start! I honestly can't figure it out.

Anything New?

Not really. That's why I haven't been posting again. That, and soon we'll be going on "vacation" for a month (a rotation in Provo), so I probably won't be posting much then either. It will be nice to take a breather. A breather from what, exactly, I don't know.

Since I've been in a really rotten mood lately, I'm a little worried that I'm going to do something stupid or say something stupid--especially on here--so I'm just not going to say anything more for awhile. Here's some pictures. Not even new ones. Just some pictures.

Nana's Birthday. . . still catching up

Catching up on April: Nana Turns 5!

It took me forever to find the energy to throw her a party, but it turned out really nice. We had a Tangled theme. Rapunzel reminds me a lot of Nana: never cutting her long blonde hair--but when she did, it turned brown; climbing everywhere; I used to braid her hair a lot, or it would get into things; she sings really well, and a lot; she also has an evil fake mother and magical healing powers (okay, maybe not those last two, but I AM in love with how awesomely wicked the mother is--such a great character).

I used a bunch of +ups and bought her an awesome tower tent thingy for pretty cheap at Rite Aid. I thought it was perfect. The girls all pretended to be princesses. It looked like they had a lot of fun. Although, one of the girls ate all of Nan's easter candy when no one was looking. That made Nana kind of sad. Poor girl. I was fine with getting the candy out of the house, though!

Things I Want

Okay. It's time for me to be shallow again. I've had a really hard, uh, while. Who knows how long it's been now. So, I'm going to make some goals and some wishes (that have nothing to do with what I REALLY need for a "successful" home life), and see if that cheers me up.

Graduate. With SOMETHING. (realistic estimate: 2 to 4 years)

Have a clean and organized house with no remodeling projects. (realistic estimate: 6 to 12 months--oh, yeah, but then we move)

Learn to sew--a lot better than now. (ongoing)

Get an awesome TV, and a Wii to go with it. (realistic estimate: ask me when Robert gets a paycheck)

See the world before I'm 80. I've always wanted to see the ruins in Belize. (realistic estimate: hopefully before I'm 80, and probably after we get the Wii)

-Goes along with learn a foreign language and use it in a foreign country (Canada or Mexico would not count)

Read more of the classics. (ongoing)

Learn photography better. Maybe break down and buy photoshop instead of using gimp. (ongoing)

Get a real gemstone and look at it under the lights in the big room in the religion building at BYU. (long story--longer realistic estimate)

Get to my goal weight. (realistic estimate: 1 to 60 years--80 is going to be awesome)

Do something new--something cool no one else I know personally has done yet. (hmmmm. . . don't know how to estimate that one)

Take pictures at Time's Square. (1 to 60 years)

Laser procedures (hair removal, lasik, scar removal maybe?) (Again, ask me when Robert has a paycheck)

Be in a choir. And I don't mean ward choir. (This one seems kind of hopeless since my singing gets worse every year, but it would be SO cool)

I guess I'd be okay without most of these. Just not super okay.

Things I absolutely DO need?

Finally be okay with past hurts. REALLY believe in God. A good relationship with my kids and spouse--especially spouse. Aaaand, maybe it sounds shallow, but a paycheck would be nice.

Oops

Somehow this photo was deleted from the last post. My sister Jenny and her husband showed up for the baptism, too. It was a nice surprize, and so fun to see them!

Catching up. Again. Uhhhhh. . .

This is all roughly from March.

Levi is so adorable. As you can see . . . This is what Enoch's hair looks like in the morning--on good days. I've had a few baby showers, and a few diaper cakes. This was the first time I tried a guitar. It was pretty flimsy. I'll have to work on that.
We went on vacation spur of the moment to go see my brothers and their families down in North Carolina. The kids loved the dogs. They talk about them all the time. Even though Enoch usually looked like he was getting trampled by a bouncy ball of fur.

Nana fell in the pool. I wasn't happy. Daddy thought it was funny--guess who was watching the kids when it happened. Rachel took really good care of us. I want some more of that bread!
We went to the park. Levi had to bundle up, but the weather was infinitely better than Erie! The kids all milked a goat at my brothers' friend's place. It was neat. It was the first time the family met Levi. And it might have been the first time Brandon and Rachel met Lolly, but I'm not sure.
Katelyn had her baptism while we were there--part of the reason we decided to go. The night before we left we walked around town. It reminded me a little of Park City--without the hills. When we got back to Ryan and Carolina's place, we played Just Dance 2 on the Wii--now I want one. It was SO much fun. We went to church with them just before we left--There meetinghouse is right next to the temple. The live so close!

On the way home we stopped for a rest stop. The bathrooms were closed, but we saw this really cool bridge. We would have walked closer, but I REALLY needed a bathroom!

We always have to hold our breaths and make wishes when we go through the tunnels in Pittsburgh. We must be at the end of one here, because Robert looks like he's about to pass out!

St. Patrick's Day. I know I still look pregnant, but Robert and I started a "March Madness" weightloss thingy, and so far, I've dropped almost 15 lbs! (Oh, and I totally beat him, so he had to arrange a babysitter and plan a date.)

Growin' Up Gangsta

He's not just my snuggly little newborn, any longer.

Random Things I've Smelled Lately

My laundry detergent smells like my dog shampoo--which simultaneously grosses me out and makes me miss my dogs.

I'm debating calling the number on the back to see if they'll give me a refund (I've only used it for one load), but I just called the company yesterday to replace a swiffer sweeper that broke before I could use it. I don't want them putting me on some sort of black list ;D.

I threw away some dirty dishrags that could NOT get clean. I don't think I need to explain the smell. But first, I used them to clean up the drain in front of the washing machine. THAT smell is a little more unique. Something is stuck down there, so every time I do the wash, it backs up and this black, chunky gunk comes up with it. It smells like something inbetween perm chemicals and a poopy diaper. I check my kid's almost every time the smell hits.

Went to the dentist yesterday to fill cavities. If there ever was a time to have a stuffy nose . . . Well, the smell of disintegrated tooth more or less made me choke, but I couldn't cough because I'd be coughing directly in their faces. Ah, good times.

We've never been much of a perfumy family, but after so many trips to Rite-Aid, I have quite a few room fresheners. I started using one in the kitchen after the kids cooked all of the grease and meat out of a few hot dogs in the microwave. Unfortunately, Robert now associates the smell of the freshener with the smell of the obliterated hot dogs. I think it smells a little like men's cologne--which is kind of weird for a kitchen scent, but I like it well enough. I plug it into the wall when Robert's not home to help cover the smell of the laundry and yesterday's cooking.

Robert's been gone on a different rotation--a MUCH busier rotation. So, I have to actually cook dinner every night (Robert's awesome and cooks and cleans and all that--with a few limitations). I've discovered that I like cooking mostly for the smell--if my food tasted as good as it smells . . . oh, heaven. However, the smell of beans cooking in the slow cooker never was my favorite, but paired with men's cologne air freshener. Well, it pretty much turns my kitchen into a frat house--especially if I'm washing a dog down in the basement at the same time.

We actually took a family picture!

Even though it's not at the quality I would prefer, it was a Mother's Day miracle that they were all looking at the self-timed camera without me having to photoshop their eyes open ;D!

Lolly won't stay in her crib anymore

I remember when Nana learned how to get out of her crib. She was much younger than Lolly. I was hoping that maybe Lolly would never learn, and we could get her to take naps forever. Then we did something not so well thought out. We transitioned her crib into a toddler bed. She couldn't sleep all night, and she figured out how to open the door to her room. We put her crib back together the next day, but it was too late. Now that she knows how to open the door, she had the motivation she needed to learn how to get out of her crib on her own. I'm not ready for this.

Then again, it can be kind of cute. Here's an example.

Reminiscing

So glad we took a picture of this. It's our whiteboard in Wymount. We'd pretty much write things down that we wanted to remember (like a neat quote or a phone number--I'm pretty sure those numbers are obsolete now, though, so don't try them), or needed to work on (some of those pictures are a neumonic of a scripture in D&C), or wanted to show the other (so the funny pictures, and sometimes love notes). Took me awhile to remember what "shower ride" meant. I needed a ride to a baby shower.

Hardest time

Mother's Day is a horrible day, sometimes, you know--not just for the childless.

Tonight I'm really having a hard time because I have given up so much to be a mother. I never really deserved the things I gave up, but I'm sorry for them nonetheless. And the kicker? I'm not even very good at it--being a mother, I mean. You'd think the more you gave up, the better you'd be. . . oh well.

I also have this horrible feeling of resentment. I want some sort of special recognition for all of the work that I do day in and day out, for how difficult it is to accomplish my personal goals--if possible at all. It seems perfectly reasonable to have a holiday to celebrate mothers, doesn't it? Isn't it supposed to be the hardest job in the world? Even secretaries have a day to celebrate them. I don't want this holiday to be about the sorrows of not being able to have children, as it often is. In fact, I'm dreading it.

I found out tonight that in all likelihood, I will not be able to graduate with a normal degree. All of my life I'm going to have to explain what a BGS is, unless I just lie and say I majored in English. It shouldn't be a big deal, but it really is to me. Seriously, I've been in tears over this almost since I found out. Before I had children, I was on my way to graduating with honors, and taking a study abroad to an exotic location. Instead, I have to watch others do these things, over and over again (even that wouldn't be so bad, except that sometimes it also comes at my expense), while I'm at home--failing--on so many different levels--and the failures just keep multiplying. The only success I feel I can really lay claim to is the fact that I can have children. I can have children really well.

And on Mother's Day, I won't be special. I won't be recognized any better than the next woman, even the next young woman, because we all have the same divine potential, whether or not we have made the same sacrifices. I'm not saying that I don't want others to be recognized. Maybe I'm not sure what I'm saying. I just want the people that aren't able to fulfill their life-long dreams to know that they aren't the only ones with unfinished dreams. . . and I wanted to say how I felt. Maybe I should become a secretary.

Ho Hum, I'm a Bum

This is honestly what I've done today: __________________________ Impressive? No? Maybe I can write something more later.

Hello, My Name is Dwight.

I am Dwight Schrute. Awesome.

I've never really watched much of "The Office" mainly because although it's terribly funny, it's also pretty crass. However, I'm on a sort of rebellion kick, and I've watched a bunch of shows. (Darn you, Netflix! [See. I'm already swearing more.])

I never understood who the characters really were before. Now I know. My character and Dwight's are pretty much exactly the same on so many levels. We even have the same job title in a way. (I'm assistant ward librarian [or the librarian's assistant as she calls me] and I largely just keep track of how many sheets of paper each person uses to make copies.) Oh, and we both like to brag about our vast knowledge of ridiculous topics. It's given me a few things to ponder.

I guess that would make Robert Angela. . . yeah. . . I could see that a little. He even has the same weird thing for cats and power (okay, maybe not power).

Baby Levi Birth Story

I know it's been awhile since I posted regularly, so I didn't get Levi's birth story up. In fact, I don't think I got Laurelyn's up! Sad day. I only posted 11 posts last year. That's less than one a month! I hope this year will be better. . . I hope. November 12 The one thing I told my midwife was that I didn't want to be induced. Inductions (I've had three now) are pretty hard on me. So, of course, I had to get gestational hypertensia and HAD to be induced so it wouldn't turn into pre-eclampsia. I'm looking at these pictures and I can't believe how swollen my face is! Wow. In fact, my blood pressure and the swelling didn't really go back to normal for around 3 weeks or so. It was actually kind of a rough time. But look at what I have now! My last appointment with Kim was on a Wednesday, and the induction was Friday morning. I hoped and prayed so hard that I would be able to go into labor on my own. I'm not sure why I was so worried about it, but I somehow thought I would need a c-section if I didn't. Probably a crazy thought, but I was positive that's what would happen. The last two times I was induced (with Enoch and Lolly) I almost had to have one. But Kim told me that it was the best for both me and the baby, so I agreed. This was my scariest delivery yet. Besides not feeling ready for four at all, I was really anxious about the c-section thing--and partly because my blood pressure made me feel that way too. I asked Robert to get someone to help him give me a blessing, but I think he felt silly asking someone to help when I wasn't really "sick"--although I think preparing for labor qualifies--so he didn't try very hard to contact anyone and it got too late for me to be comfortable calling anyone for myself. Oh well. I said a really long prayer instead, and I started to feel some peace. I'm so glad we have prayer (and that you don't have to call anyone to have it). That night, as I slept, I started feeling contractions. I didn't really notice what they were until about 3 in the morning when I woke up enough to notice the sick-to-my-stomach feeling wasn't just nervousness, but it was coming every 3 to 5 minutes. I'm so glad I was able to sleep through a lot of it, but they were starting to get too strong, so I got up to walk around and go to the bathroom. Sure enough, bloody show. I got really excited. Walking around didn't make the contractions go away. I woke up Robert and told him we might have to go in earlier than 5 am, the time we were scheduled for. I told him I needed his support right now, too. Poor guy was really tired, so he stayed in bed a little longer. I started watching the clock and dreading every 3 minutes passing. I got ready, went downstairs to tell Becky that we might leave a little early, switched the laundry to the dryer, and then decided I would eat a little (I know, I know, but I hate going in for labor and getting so hungry later). As soon as I was finished eating, the contractions stopped coming so strong, which I actually wasn't so happy about, because I wanted to go in and let them know I didn't need any pitocin. We waited to go in when we were scheduled (in truth, we only had about 10 minutes to wait out, because it took me extra long to get ready in between contractions). And we got to the hospital right on the dot. The nurse commented that she knew we must be Kim's patient because they're always on time (she threatens us really effectively ;D). I told everyone that I was already in labor, but nobody believed me or seemed to care. Even Kim didn't bother to check me or anything, and she ordered the pitocin right away. I was pretty bummed, but I'm not one to say anything in the face of authority, so I let it slide and silently grumbled to myself (and maybe a little to Robert, too). The contractions started coming on VERY strong in the next 5 minutes or so. There were plenty of nurses still in the room drawing my blood and whatever, so I tried my best to not look like I was in too much pain. It was absolutely exhausting to do that. I couldn't wait for them to go out so I could grimace and not have to smile and nod pleasantly to whatever they were saying. Kim came in and talked to Robert about medical stuff for thirty minutes or so. It was still hard to stay pleasant, but it was also a bit of a welcome distraction from the contractions. Thank goodness she wasn't actually talking to me, though. I don't think I could have responded well. Robert tried his hardest to be supportive. He rubbed my feet and legs and talked to me to keep my mind off of the pain. He also helped me get up to use the bathroom. We had been in for awhile and I needed to use the toilet again. That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Contractions were around 2 minutes apart and incredibly strong. I went in the bathroom alone and completely broke down. I had to go, but I couldn't get my muscles to relax long enough in between the contractions. Once I was finally able to get back to the bed, I needed an epidural. Badly. Before the contractions got that bad I was able to focus on how great it would be to have a newborn and how much I wanted to get to know him and love him and see him, and that would make the pain go away, but in that moment I hated babies. I knew the pain wouldn't be over after he was born, or after he was weaned, or after he was potty trained, or pretty much ever. And the hurt just kept coming. Stronger. And. Stronger. I never wanted to see a baby again. Those thoughts only made the pain worse, so as soon as the nurse came in I asked for an epidural. She got permission from Kim to drug me while I waited for the anesthesiologist. The medicine quickly coursed through my veins straight to my brain. And even though my head was cloudy and I couldn't hold my eyes steady, I felt terrific. I loved everyone SO much. Especially the little baby inside of me. I totally understand why people get addicted to drugs. In fact, I'm usually afraid to get prescription painkillers because I like them way too much. Just pop a little pill and your world turns into sunshine and daffodils. Thank goodness we have the gospel, because. . . seriously, if I didn't have the Holy Ghost to give me comfort. Shoot. I don't know where I'd be. Well, actually, yes, yes I do know where I'd be. Because just a minute or two after the painkillers set in, the anesthesiologist showed up. Perfect. I wouldn't have to feel anymore pain. However, there was a scaly part on my back. I get dry skin when I'm pregnant--apparently right where they usually stick the epidural. The anesthesiologist asked me if I was sure I wanted one. He made it sound like I shouldn't, and I couldn't think straight for more than two seconds in a row because of the drugs. The nurse called Kim in. I remember there was some drama for a few minutes and that the anesthesiologist was there for quite awhile, but I don't remember much more (I was heavily drugged). (finished writing on March 30, 2011) Robert helped me decide, and I got the epidural in one of the spaces on my back that was higher up than the usual spot. I layed back and went to sleep, only waking up every once in awhile. Robert took a nap too. Before long, Kim came in and had me push. I pushed once. She told me not to push after that, but just to let the contraction push the baby out the rest of the way. It worked. He was out. It was happy. I didn't tear or anything, Kim said I might have if I'd pushed the second time. They put him on my chest, and he pooped all over me and himself--including the little tags they put on his feet and had to wear the rest of the time in the hospital--GROSS! He was still such a cutie, though. They weighed him, and measured him, and did all of their tests, and I didn't really shake or feel hungry like I usually do, because he was born by 10:10 or 10 to 10, I forget (I wonder if part of the shaking is from being hungry). All in all, it was a great delivery. The afterbirth came, and Robert looked over it with Kim (it's definitely a different experience being married to a med student). And we were transferred to our room down the hall. And then all of the children and Aunt Becky came to visit. These are the awesome people who helped me. I'm blanking on the nurses name right now (Stephanie? She also was there to help with Lolly), but Kim Bennett is my midwife in the dark blue.