That being said, my period started this morning, and as the day has gone on I'm noticing a pattern in my monthly cycle. So in an effort to deal with another month gone and no baby to show for it, I felt prompted to write down my feelings and the patterns I've noticed over the last year. Maybe you've been through this and know exactly what I'm talking about here, maybe you experience infertility a bit differently, or maybe you don't have any experience with it at all. Whatever your situation, I hope you can either try to understand or relate and maybe get a bit of a laugh out of it.
I call it the 5 stages of infertility, as experienced by me every.single.month. over the last year
1- Denial/isolation
This happens the day I take the pregnancy test, which again is negative. I think, "It's okay! Maybe I got too excited and tried too early. Give it a few more days and I can take another test, and surely that one will be positive." So I don't tell my husband I even took the test, because if I say it out loud, then I most definitely won't be pregnant this month.
The denial and isolation continue even shortly after my period starts, but mostly it's just the isolation once I see blood. I guess you can say it's a small state of shock, and I guess still a bit of denial in there telling myself it's not a big deal and there's always next month.
2- Anger
I stick around in denial and isolation until the cramps come, then I'm angry! I mean seriously... Way to kick a girl when she's down! As a teenager and young adult, "Aunt Flow" is a terrible nuisance, and sometimes is downright torturous. But when trying to get pregnant, you not only have that constant reminder of blood flow telling you that your body isn't doing what it's supposed to, but it then punishes you and forces you into the fetal position, begging for not only just a baby now, but relief from the pain that's ripping apart your uterus. Maybe I'm the only one, but that makes me angry... because sometimes it's just not fair! What I would give next month to find out I'm not pregnant by raining butterflies and flower petals. I have a feeling that would much less harsh than bleeding, cramping and bloating.
3- Bargaining
Oh bargaining... The story of my life... Once I get to the bargaining stage things get really interesting. I start to think, "If only we hadn't missed that ONE day... Maybe that was our ONE chance. Freak! Why do I even sleep at all!?" Or, "What if the test is wrong! What if I wasn't actually ovulating, what if my "fertile days" are completely different and my body is just crazy!?"
I then go back to the beginning... "What if it was the IUD I had put in after having #2? What if getting the IUD ruined my chances for ever getting pregnant again? If only I could have handled my two babies better, not let the constant screaming from colic and reflux get to me, or hadn't had to deal with postpartum depression. Maybe then I wouldn't have felt the need to get the IUD in the first place or felt like we needed to wait longer to have another one".
There's also this thought, "If only I could be happy with my two beautiful girls. Why do I really feel like we need to have more kids? We've been more blessed than so many people who never even get to have kids. Why does it hurt so bad to not get more! Why can't I just focus on what I've already got and be happy with it?
Which then leads to the bargaining with God, very much similar to this: "PLEASE, if I could just pregnant, you could send twins, triplets, heck throw down everyone you can find... I'll be happy, and take really really good care of them, I promise!"
Let's be honest, the bargaining is kind of an all month thing, but when I'm focused on the first three bargaining thoughts, it just naturally leads to #4...
4- Depression
Of course it's depressing to not be pregnant when all you ever think about is holding another one of your own sweet little babies. Every time you see someone else pregnant or holding a newborn your uterus physically aches because you just want it so badly for yourself. It's torture, it's cruel, and depression sets in quite easily when the reality of another month has failed on you. It is so easy to wonder if you'll ever actually get pregnant, and losing that hope every month and having that fear leads to some not fun and pretty dark places sometimes.
5- Acceptance
But luckily, there's Acceptance at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes acceptance doesn't fully come during the month, and you sit in a little bit of the depression and bargaining hole until that small window of time comes back around when you're ovulating again. You accept the fact that you WILL try again, because you have HOPE that maybe this time will be different. You remind yourself that God's timing is perfect, and MAYBE this is the perfect time... And you keep on going, because if/when a baby does come into our lives, this cycle of emotional ups and downs will all be worth it.
Until then, I'm going to hold my two, already perfect, little girls a little tighter, be a little more grateful for what I've already got, and grasp onto my hope that we will soon be blessed with another perfect spirit from heaven.
Until then, I'm going to hold my two, already perfect, little girls a little tighter, be a little more grateful for what I've already got, and grasp onto my hope that we will soon be blessed with another perfect spirit from heaven.
Afterthoughts....
These are my own experiences. I know very well there are many others who have been trying much longer than we have been to have a baby, and been unsuccessful. I also know there are many other hardships and trials out there. My heart goes out to each of you and I pray that you will be comforted in whatever you are dealing with.
