Planning for wedding can be such an emotional roller coaster.. The hardest part for me now is really dealing with expectations- my own expectations. Sometimes unwanted and unnecessary expectations. Between a ballroom with pillars that is within our budget and fits the rest of the bill VS one that is way above our budget, that may be aesthetically more grand and nice but with uncertainties over food and service. The former is obviously the wise choice. But it seems so silly that I am so fixated and upset over the pillars!

I am so tired spending my free time at office and weekends looking through forums and internets, reading wedding blogs, only to find that those that "looks" so great are way beyond our budget and the one that we have chosen is still the wisest choice. It's the rational me (the one who knows that it's a waste to splurge on a wedding and enter into huge debt at the start of our marriage) VS the irrational me (the vain me who wants a grand looking wedding)

I guess it's enough. We've looked through 30-40 over hotels, eliminated and shortlisted and finally come to this choice. Our parents are agreeable, and even my siblings and parents told me food quality, service and the company at the table that day are more important than pillars. I need to constantly remind myself, what's important. Marriage is more important than a wedding. Zicheng comforted me that it can still be our dream wedding, that the pillar is really not that important. And he hope I spend more time on the matrimony because that is the one that would really matter, and stop spending my time and effort comparing and regretting.

I think it's true that when we keep complaining and comparing, we miss out the blessing of God in our lives. I become so "I" focus and neglect that I have so much to thank God for.. I have to thank God that we even have the money to begin with to purchase our wedding package, hold a matrimony and hold a banquet. All these are luxury which some may never have the chance to enjoy. I have to thank God for our BTO house at Parcview and I have to thank God for my loving fiance.

So I have decided. After 1 year of camping in front of the computer looking from websites to websites at hotels, forums and blogs and going down for site visiting for to 20-30 over hotels, I need to let go and let God. To trust Him that this hotel selection that we make is the best choice for us. Pillars don't matter and there are screens with live screening provided. I am imposing a personal fast on myself to stop looking at hotels because honestly, I think I have already looked through most of them and I am now looking at really weird ones now which I know zicheng will never agree and I will not consider.

So enough is enough. So Copthorne King's it shall be. I confess that wantan wedding will be held there in 13 June 2015, that we will be able to negotiate and iron out details with the hotel and that our guests will have a good time that night and witness God's love in Zicheng and my relationship in the name of Jesus.

So I just want to trust you Lord to direct my path for the rest of the planning. The Lord spoke to me in Luke 9:3-4 (MSG Bible) when I was being such a bridezilla in my planning...

3 He said, "Don't load yourselves up with equipment. 4 Keep it simple; you are the equipment. And no luxury inns - get a modest place and be content there until you leave. 

God is indeed good. He is concern about every single small details of our lives. He understands our frustration even in things like planning for a wedding and send His word to comfort us. Lord, I will choose to be content with this place which we have chosen, somewhere that is modest (definition: free from showy extravagance) in our standard. I choose to give up Goodwood Park or Four Seasons or other hotels which I preferred but way beyond our budget, and I know that regardless of where we hold it, you will show up amongst our midst as long we put you in the centre of our relationship. So let my heart be right with you Lord even in the planning of my wedding.  I lift up all these silly burdens, frustrations and expectations I have to you and I leave the rest of the work into your hands. Thank you Jesus, Amen :)

rained @ 10:49 PM

5 years on.. Time has passed, things have change, and perhaps we both have moved on.. But it seems like some past hurts still stay with us, haunts us and force us to face some of the deepest issues of our heart, to wrestle to face our fears, to face ourselves and to learn to love and accept ourselves unconditionally the way Christ loves us... 

rained @ 1:02 AM

Tired tired, so tired..
Physically, but more emotionally and mentally..
I m plodding on. No longer running or walking. Just dragging myself, trying to complete one deadline after another.
It's so difficult.. I dont know how many times I have broken down. Learning how to deal with things by myself and being more understanding that Zicheng and I simply don't have enough time for each other. Having to deal with the sadness of having to reject friends or simply them asking me "when am I going to meet them?"
I felt especially discouraged by the first observation by my sup, where I didn't perform well.. Below expectation..
Could I really be the head and not the tail? Why do I feel like the tail and not the head?

How to explain so my students can understand? Why is it they don't get it? I have explained it so many times! Doubts abt my own capability. Why do they keep talking in class. Calling their names again and again to get their attention. I feel so frustrated! How can I make my lessons more engaging? How to improve my classroom management?? Why don't I have 39 copies again! Who didn't hand in, even though I kept reminding all to hand in to me! I have to check through the class lists again and again for all the worksheets.. Corrections wrong again! Recorrections still wrong! Didn't I explain that explicitly in class? What were they doing? Why weren't they listening? I m behind the scheme of work! I need to hurry up, but students can't get it! If I proceed on I will have more misconceptions! I scolded my student I know she's affected. I hope she don't dislike me for it :( I hope I don't lose that rapport. I hope she knows that I still care. It's 2am and I am still not done w my lesson plans, and I need to be up at 6am in a few hours time. I feel my voice is going to be gone again.. Lord please please please protect my health and my voice. Multiply my rest. Give my ideas on this lesson plan. I dont wanna fall sick again. I need to be well to teach.. I pray for favour..

Day in day out, it's a battle of the mind. And it's draining. It's tiring.. I just want to stay at home and not go anywhere and just do my lsp. But when I m home alone, I hope I could be out there, and not being stuck at home having to do my lesson plans.

Is this how the real thing is going to be like? They say full time teachers have greater workload. Will I be surviving on 3-4h of sleep everyday? If it is, I don't know how long i can last.. Or will I be compromising my standards because I have no time? My students deserve the best..

Oh God, I m crying out.. Help me! I don't think I can handle this. I want to throw in the towel and quit. But i know if i do that, i will do the same for every other job. It's my attitude i need to change. But it's so difficult Lord. U called me into teaching. I m holding on because u said so.

I m at my mid way mark.. Lord you are the God who turn things around. You are.. I want to be like Esther. I want to rise up for a time such as this. To be a woman of such great wisdom and courage. I feel so so so so inadequate. How much do I love you? It's so difficult to let go and obey.. But I know obedience is the representation of my love towards u. God cannot force us to love Him beyond how much we are willing to do so.

Lord am I truly shining for u in the marketplace? I feel like I am not. I don't feel capable or good or anything near that. Yet u say, when we are weak then you Are strong.. So shine through me Father.

I m holding on, I still am. Please father see me through these last 5 weeks. I pray for things to be better after this.. I pray my character be moulded. I pray my attitude be changed. I pray for Zicheng and my relationship to be strengthened father, so that as a couple we can be closer to u than ever before.. Amen.

rained @ 1:09 PM

Blessed and thankful day!

Because even though I didn't spoke a word to my students. I communicated and taught through writing and they understand :) and they would come to me and ask how are u miss Tan? :) I drew sad face and they sad sad face means not good, with a sad face on theirs. Am falling more in love with them :))

Because I managed to find the place and went to see my family doc Dr Tay, just in time before meeting em. And I only paid $8 because there's $10 off for people working under the government service :) and he gave me medicine to help me regain voice.

Because my ct is so understanding and gracefully took over my lessons and told me to just rest and don't have to hand in lesson plans to her! :)

Because my Nie sup is also very understanding because he agreed to postpone and observe me after the hols.

Because God is good and I only lost my voice after I cleared 1 observation and my focused grp discussion yesterday.

Because ntu co-op called and my laptop will finally be in this week. And I have an amazing Fren Emily who so graciously lent me her laptop to tide me through my last week of sch and past 3 weeks of practicum! Thank u soooo much my dear!! :) I promise to show the same grace and lend my laptop to someone who needs a laptop next time too, to the best of my ability!

Been frustrated and cried a few times past week cos of the hurting and voiceless throat. But God is good :) He turns everything ard for the good!! :) amen! Thank you my dear Abba father! :)

rained @ 5:54 PM

This is such a great test of my faith. To be pushed into a situation where u can't do anything at all, except to pray and cry out," God please help me!"

What am I to do to be down w throat infection? What am I to do to have lost my voice :( I can't speak not to mention to teach. I feel so lousy and so bad to my ct cos i have to ask her to take my lessons. And am scared she might have such bad impression of me :(

I hardly fall sick, and for Zicheng and I to both fall so very sick during practicum, I know it's no coincidence. You know what devil, you can't defeat us. Teaching is our calling and we are more fully convinced than ever that God has a place for us in the education industry, to impact lives and nations.

Jesus you lead us and guide us, and bring us to a rock that is higher than ourselves and what we can take! We will pass our practicum with flying colors cos God you are with us. And if you are with us and for us, nothing can harm us or come against us. Amen amen!

rained @ 5:57 PM

Our fight is always a fight of FAITH.
For FAITH without works is dead.
For FAITH makes all things possible, and love makes all things easy.
For without FAITH it is impossible to please God.
We walk by FAITH and not by sight.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts
Nor are your ways my ways.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts.

So shall My word be that goes forth from my mouth,
It shall not return to Me void.
But it shall accomplish what I please.
And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.

And ALL things shall work together for the good for those who loves the Lord,
who are the called according to His purpose.

For we do not have a high priest who cannot empathise with our weaknesses,
But is in all ways tempted as we are, yet without sins.

For I know the plans that I think of you, says the Lord.
Plans of good and not of evil. To give you a hope and a future.

Do not be afraid, just believe.

For with God, ALL things are possible.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love and power and of sound mind.

If God is for us, who can be against us? What can man do to me?

Have I not commanded you to be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid nor be dismayed. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Do not let procrastination come into my heart. But just plunge and take the step of faith. We never know how God works. We never know what there is to come. But God has already gone before me to prepare the way. He is good and righteous and glorious God. He will never, He will never, He will never let me go. God is sovereign. I can trust in Him. I can trust in His unfailing love, His everlasting arms. What the Lord has done, nothing can ever stop the will of God. I only have one life to live, I want to live it all for you Jesus! You have prepared the way before me. You have prepared the heart. Please come and give me the strength and the glory. For your grace is sufficient for me, your strength is made perfect in my weakness. I love you Jesus... Your kingdom come your will be done on earth as it is in heavens. Amen Amen Amen.

rained @ 12:32 PM

Thank God for seeing me through 6 weeks of Nie! It was daunting in the beginning with 20 over deadlines cramped into 6 weeks, especially the last week where I have 11 and I barely started on any by Saturday of the last week. Really thank God for strength, and how He multiplied my time, such that I could fellowship w zc's member on mon night, go for leader's meeting on tue night, bible study on Wednesday night and Friday night for cell grp! With lil sleep of 2-3h, yet I didn't doze off in class. How it contrast w when I was sleeping very lil in nus due to hall activities and how I kept dozing off, I guess I wasn't really depending on God's strength then. Thank God also for friends and support, for people who helped me through my NIE! Esp Andrea! :) even though we may be 9 years apart in age, but she has become such a close sister, friend and confidant! Don't worry my dear! God will see us through! :)

Everyone is so worried about practicum, but somehow I have this assurance and peace and know I will get through by the strength of Jesus! Never once did he fail me, I know this time won't be an exception too! :) and I will rmb what Mrs regina taught us, to pray for our students everyday! Pray that Zicheng will also do so exceedingly well in hillgrove and that I will be able to manage my time well for him and for my family!

Psalm 127:1-2
Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat--for he grants sleep to those he loves.

If God is not the Lord of all, He is not Lord at all!

Father I pray that you will come and be the head of my practicum, of my finances, my life, my ministry, my church, my family, my relationships! I trust in You and will continue to lean and depend on You for strength and wisdom. Battles may come, but come what may, with God like that by my side, how can I lose? I trust in you Father! So Tmr I will meet my SCMs, my CTs, my colleagues and my students , and the school where I will spend at least the next 2-3 years of my life in! It will be an awesome journey! :) looking forward to All that you have in stored for me! <3

rained @ 6:06 PM

Dear Ah Ma,

You will be greatly missed.
Though we hardly communicate due to language barrier, thank you for being such an amazing tai ma, ah ma and mother, to so many great-grand children, grandchildren and to my mum and my aunties uncles.

You are indeed so blessed. To be able to survive diabetes and live for another 12 years after ur leg amputation, even though doctor said u might not live through that operation.

You have been blessed w great 99 years of lives, with over 200 descendants.

I hear stories of you being an impartial and giving mother and wife.

I rmb how you took care of Gor Gor and I when we were in block 111, and how we bullied you by locking you out of the door so we could lick the Lipton tea powder packet.

Even in ur last day, u were given a single A1 ward at the cost of B2 ward because all the B2 wards were full. And because of that, you were able to walk your last journey with all ur children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, sister, nieces, nephews by your side.

Thank God also for ziwei, for giving the best advice of just letting you walk the last journey comfortably, without having to go through the suffer of tubes in throat etc.

You are a brave woman. I hear stories of you delivering your own babies, of you roughing it through to bring the children up. I saw how you fought to live, not easily breathing your last. But thank God, your last breath was slow, peaceful, without struggle.

I trust in the Lord, and hope to see you in heaven one day. Rest in peace ah ma. I will miss you! Thank you also for giving me my amazing mother.

Goodbye my dear ah ma, till we meet again one day! <3

rained @ 10:43 PM

Am back at home now, finally moved out of hall after 4.5 years.
Now my room becomes my permanent room, and I have to make space for printers and more space for studying. 
Time really flies.
2012 is coming to a close.
So much happened and am thankful for 2012.

Some major events that touched my heart. 
Thankful for Emily, for being a gift I didnt expect. For pressing and pouring out into my life, and helping me with my struggles and all the ups and downs. Thank you for not judging but choosing to love and serve no matter how difficult things might be for u.


Thankful for W550, for being brothers and sisters that encourage me to keep going in my journey with God, for the love showered upon me. Thankful for my connect group, for teaching me all about having childlike faith :)

Thankful to God for seeing me through my 4 years in NUS and all the way to graduation.



Thankful to my family, for just being there always. For mummy's end of chemo, for trips overseas with my parents on cruise to redang and to malaysia. For another year of watching tao tao grow up.



Thankful to dear dear, for another amazing year, for your love, for always wanting to be a better man for me, for our grad trips tgt to malaysia with our parents and bangkok with STWC, for our commitment to love each other and love God and our family more. Thank you, for overcoming obstacles with me hand in hand, it would have been much tougher without you. I love you!


Thankful for my NIE journey so far, being able to be at taonan to learn so much, to have vanessa at taonan with me and andrea at NIE with me :)

Thankful for a roommate like michelle who's so tolerant and respectful even though we may have different lifestyle/habits. I'll rmb how we hug tgt in bed to cry cos we both cant bear to leave hall and be apart from each other. lol.

It's another year of breakthrough for me, in cell group, in ministry. and CHC bible boot camp was amazing and indeed life transforming. first time stepping out in faith to move in the spirit, learning about Jesus as someone wooing after me as a lover does, learning about true discipleship, about holiness and setting aside our lives for God's purpose.. truly indeed life transforming.

It's been a difficult year for the church, but I saw what it meant that the church is built on Jesus the solid rock, I saw the faithfulness of God, I saw the unity of the congregation, I saw and am encouraged by the faith of the leaders and the members, I understood how God could use us to be vessels for His kingdom when we go through trials and remain broken and dependent on Him. I learnt truly how my destiny is tied to the destiny of the church and how impt it is to protect the unity no matter what happens.

Thank you Jesus, for always being there. Nothing that I have done would ever make any sense or have any purpose without you being the centre of it all. Thank you for being my hope when I was hopeless, for being my light when I was in the dark, for being my joy when all I knew was defeat. For giving me so much blessings that I tend to overlook/neglect. Thank you for this life to serve you and to love you. I look forward to another great year with you, but of course to end this year well with you first! <3>

Happy Bday Jesus, Merry Christmas to all!! :)

rained @ 2:35 AM

To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill and a time to heal ...
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance ...
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to lose and a time to seek;
a time to rend and a time to sew;
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;
a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace.

rained @ 10:25 PM