Hi.
Yes, it's been a while.
The worry has been really annoying and distracting.
But this morning, this little space that has been mine for so long, whispered to me. C'mon, chat with me a while, it'll be nice.
The 'red wave' is just some light spotting. We haven't exactly cured the disease, or won the war, but we are still alive, and we have NOT lost.
My colleague has gone on a 3 week vacation, but will be back on Tuesday. I've been covering her clinics. She's hard working, does a lot to make life easier for her surgeons and patients. It's been a lot to keep most of the balls in the air, and I've been going in for a few hours to cover her Thursday clinic. Cutting a couple of hours off my day on to stretch it to my day off. It's my duty, I feel. This is why they pay me the big bucks. And our orthopedic Nurse Practitioner appreciates it, as do our residents who run the clinic.
But, it's taking a toll on me. And it's been a busy few weeks. My own surgery scheduling has been a bit neglected. I've missed stuff, as I knew I would. Four weeks ago, I got my flu jab and covid booster, which left me feeling sore and ill and with my lower back in a vise for a few days, which rather put me on the wrong foot.
I'm having a bit of an introvert crisis. Last evening, I became semi-mute*. Dylan took care of me, which helped. Since I use Chat to communicate at work, a sort of secure texting, I got the the point that my already borderline typing completely failed me as well. Although I was still doing well with emoji and GIF communication. (I have strong GIF game.)
Even my dreams last night were all crowded with people, while I had to perform tasks. Washing a man's thick hair as he sat in a chair in our bathtub, he was naked, and getting the hair wet enough to suds up was very difficult, and it was utterly not-sexy-at-all. Three other people had a meeting around the toilet. Not a stretch to see that this was about many layers of intrusion. Nothing angry, though. No one bullying. Just, too much peoples.
It's been raining with a bit of snow mixed in, the last few days. The snow, or possibly graupel, is white on the grass. I still have to empty the rain barrels and clear some of the garden. I've not even wanted to go out in the garden this past month.
But I have Veteran's Day off tomorrow, and I can settle my mind this morning. At least I'm not in physical pain on top of it, as the OR used to do to me. And, there is a great satisfaction in solving the puzzles, making it all work (imperfectly), and keeping going.
Everyone throwing puzzles at me. (This could be in my dreams tomorrow night...) But, that is the job, taking care of all the edges, smoothing rough spots, running interference in a complex system, subverting the bureaucracy to serve the patients.
*Intentional speech is stuck or garbled. If I'm not especially trying to say something, words can escape clearly - but then I wonder if I actually said it or just thought it. I can mime, or to an extent - write, but trying to say a word gets it jammed.
