All the context is stripped from this memory, so bear with me. A show, a very young woman and an older man, two women discussing them, "He want to be her...(lost to memory.)" Reply, "No, worse, he want to be her mentor (teacher.)" They both shudder.
I did not know what that meant at the time, didn't get the problem. I was in that situation, a young woman with a man 15 years older. I would figure out why it was all kinds of wrong.
When anyone older takes on a young lover, and justifies it in terms of teaching them, giving them all the benefit of their greater experience, that is inherently manipulative and exploitative. Anything other than meeting as equals is horrible. I would find this out the hard way.
Had a self described friend, when I was young in college, who saw herself as my mentor. That had the same awful dynamic. She expected only gratitude, since she obviously wasn't getting anything else from me, right? Fuck gratitude. Friends share together, the older and more experienced one is getting something out of it one way or another. Expecting adoration is completely out of line.
So, when Dylan and I got together, (not that I thought about this, but then) I never thought of him as anything other than a capable adult. We learned from each other. Ah. Well. When one finds normal and healthy, the twisted shows clearly. I had no idea what it meant, emerging from a childhood of abnormal. I didn't understand still submerged in a shoddy relationship.
But once the lights come on, so many mysteries are not mysteries at all.
Chatting with my anesthesiologist on Friday, figured out he'd been an intern when I was at my first hospital. And I mentioned my story of the intern in the OR for the first time, doing so well gowning and gloving in good sterile fashion, then standing across from me at the Mayo stand, and adjusting his glasses.
"You are contaminated."
"Why?"
"Did you scrub your glasses?" I ask in the rising pitch of the kindergarten teacher.
"(Head down, steps back) oh." He replies, understanding the problem.
We both agree it was him, although he recalls doing this more than once. I always thought he looked familiar, but then so many young white upper middle class men look alike anyway. About 15 years older now, despite striking eyes, he could be any of a number of them. Lovely to make the connection, especially since he's a good 'un.
Girls in a Band was excellent, btw.
5 comments:
I laughed with recognition at touching one's eyeglasses---it's become so automatic, I reach for them on my face, even after I've taken them off---a good example of an unconscious habit.
Frex,
Stopping wanting to scratch one's face or adjust glasses is very difficult. There are workarounds, but they often have to be long deferred.
My now anesthesiologist says it's why he got contacts and stopped wearing glasses at work.
I asked you once about that - what you do when you have an itch and really can't scratch it. In time, I've noticed, such things pass.
Phil,
Ignoring the small facial issues is learned. When in real need of scratching, the non-sterile circulator can assist. For self-care, a long instrument used carefully, then thrown off the field.
I've tucked in many an errant hair.
oh man, i remember many a time using all sorts of nose-wiggles and eyebrow stretches to get to a facial itch. and we weren't anywhere near your level of clean!
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