Moments like this just make me feel I'm shit.

+ I have yet to finish preparing for teaching on sat.
and the preparation material is in traditional chinese.
such a pain in the ass now to read it, think through, and prepare it.

+ preparations for exams on next Friday and Monday.
like just 2 paper nia, but I'm feeling so unconfident and unprepared as usual.

+ some ns admin stuff to organise and settle.

+ some church admin stuff to settle as well.
i don't understand why is it so difficult for me to finish it.

why do events and happenings always have to come my way during my exam period?
why can't i just not be bothered by things other than my exams for this period?
why can't these things be kept to the minimal?

not like anything devastating happening in my life right now anyway.
but just feel freaking sian.

maybe i'm just a selfish bastard with low stress tolerance capacity.
selfish and self-centred, and only want to maximise my own utility.

sometimes i just hate who i am and how i am.

in my head now.

somehow i feel a sense of relief the moment i reached home today.
i felt like the busiest week is finally over!
next week would be free-er, compared to last week..
so it means it will still be busy.. hahaha.

well, i've still got assignments and auditing materials to read, which are soooooo boring and hard to get through without my mind drifting and maybe falling asleep.

our day starts from when we sleep, not from when we wake up.
so, 圣灵求你充满我！

time really passed damn fast. its wednesday already!

i'm halfway through my week. 

today's GLS was awesome! i felt it was fruitful!

and i'm really thankful for the opportunity to serve for GLS.

it was a wonderful experience and i really enjoyed myself as i served and worship.

the sessions were an affirmation to what i've been trying to do, to be honest and truthful about my life and to people.

this opens us up to being vulnerable, and vulnerability is powerful.

and it is exactly the point that when we open ourselves up to tell the truth, people are drawn to us.

and that is how we should live, to tell people that i am able to be so truthful and honest about the problems in my life (as well as doing my best to point out problems with people in a kind manner, trying my best to bring out the best in everyone).

that is how we can also show people Christ in our life.

Jesus is relevant, and He has set us an example of being humble and vulnerable.

definitely i would love to attend tomorrow's session! 

but time is just running out for me. activities after activities.

i just need a break.

my studies are kinda ... neglected.

well, tml's the day to catch up!

my days have been moving so fast and hectic that my 灵魂  is lagging behind.

well, 原谅我的慢灵魂!

it needs time to catch up!

i feel tired. physically and mentally.
as i look at the week ahead, it's packed.
but there's a satisfaction within. :)

Lord, teach me to 在忙中仍然有喜乐.

我相信最好的还在前头！

i feel like i can sleep better now.

no more constipations.

kinda enjoying this feeling now. :)

what were u doing in my dream?

i just feel so ashamed of myself.

not just 1 night, it was 2 consecutive nights.

snapshots of reality tells me no, its impossible.

i tried to stop and i thought i've succeeded.

but hang on, wait for it wait for it ... ... NO!

i've never truly succeeded.

i want to get over it and move on, but i can't.

analyzing it from a rational point of view, we are just too different.

maybe i just need to be bitten.

i've never felt such emo siansation for quite a long while.

maybe zhenghua is right, i'm really making a big decision in my life now.

i need to be FREED.

i feel so bounded and trapped.

the ambiguity is killing me.

during my turning point in life, i've always tried my best to live by HONESTY.

because only by being honest and transparent in life, i can attain freedom in life.

honesty and transparency in doing your best to live the right life and to live you life right.

we are all weak, we all need help, and we will all fall down.

maybe i've been trying too hard to be strong and acting as if such things don't bother me anymore.

but, it does bother me. i just refuse to talk about it.

i feel like it makes me vulnerable when i talk about it.

and i feel so confused.

now it looks like i have some root issues to tackle. zzz.

maybe its a character flaw that i think too much.

i analyze too much and predict and focus on the negative outcome.

to think that someone who is always so positive in speech can be so negative inside.

but there is a need to be positive outwardly to quell the negativity within.

avoidance is not a good strategy, facing it is.

i need to face it and be set free.

face the risk of getting bitten.

*gnawwwwwwwww*

nowadays i like to say: 'what is life without some risk? it adds colour to your dull grey life.'

the feeling of finishing my exams isssssssss sshhiiiooookkkk!!!!!!

right at the week i ended my exams, it was fully loaded with activities!

so much so that i slept almost less than 7hrs everyday.

must really thank God that the next 3 papers (PBF, POA, ME) were not that difficult.

i went in fully prepared and the questions were not as tough as i thought they would be.

maybe the difference is that i am well-prepared.

seriously mug my ass off.

i discovered more about myself through this examinations.

i realised that i am actually quite a careless person.

made quite a few careless mistakes during the paper.

like forgetting to answer one part of a ques and realising it last min, or like put some stuffs wrongly..

a bit sian, but i still left the hall gleaming and peaceful everytime. :)

i know that God is with me.

OH WELL~~~~

IT IS OVER!

and now, getting busy with my life.

today i realise that 24hrs is really a lot of time.

i think i did not use the time wisely last time.

when i was younger, i spent it playing games, chiong-ing to complete it or level up.

it was really an utter waste of time!

what do i gain at the end of the day?

maybe i get better at solving mysteries and faster reflexes at games.

but ... i'm like a useless freak.

so, not gaming = lots of time to do other things.

like upgrading my guitar skills, exercising, reading books ...

life is good. :)

The day I did my first exam paper, it was really devastating.
I can't believe I wasted 45min attempting to answer a que I thought I could do.
Obviously I ended up with lesser time.
From an efficiency point of view, I spent 45mim to score zero marks.

There came a point where I really wrote very desperately, fighting against time and the flow of my thoughts for the essays.
I almost wanted to give up and just walk out of the hall.
The paper was just simply too difficult and impossible.
I was still traumatized by my prelims result for this subject.
FYI, 6 que choose 3, 3hrs to finish.
So u can imagine, the apportionment of time is about 55min per que, 5min each to think.
I really wanted to cry when I left the exam hall. I wrote everything messily and the arguments didnt have much depth and support.
Afterall, my best strategy aft wasting 45min was to get at least a pass for each que, so that in avg I will pass the exam. Rather than write damn well for 2 que and put myself at risk of failing, as the way the examiner allocate marks is unknown and very VERY subjective.

It's the first time I ever felt so desperate and helpless. The uncertainty and ambiguity was killing me. It was almost impossible.

And now, as I study for PBF, I'm also on the verge of banging my head on the wall.

Now I'm questioning, why is it 100% exam based? My entire consistent effort throughout the year is staked on a 3 hr paper.

In school, I've learnt not to put all my eggs in one basket. But now, their system forced us to put all our eggs into one basket.

Rarrrrrrrrrr!!!

Last night I dreamt of wanting to eat char kway teow.
As I walked around the hawker centre, I realized all the char kway teow stalls were closed!
I wondered, how could it be that singapore's famous dish is not available?!
Totally unacceptable, especially when I have the cravings to eat it (of which the urge to eat char kway teow had nv happened in real life before).

FML (Funny, My Life)