Information...

More blood tests today - still on the trail to find the cause of my swollen joints.

In the process they have uncovered a piece of information which, had we known, could possibly have changed our world drastically as we struggled with recurrent miscarriages before we had R.

So although it changes nothing now, and we are very blessed to have two beautiful, healthy children, my brain refuses to let go of it until I have chewed it into oblivion, and processed it from every angle possible, relived the past, even though I don't really want to, and come back to living in the present, in the here and now...
really it changes nothing, but it possibly explains a lot, a lot more than just the miscarriages too... and that is good, I think...

Information is a strange thing - once you have it, you have little choice, even if you don't want to, you have to find something to do with it... somewhere for it to sit comfortably.

For now this bit is sitting uncomfortably shifting from side to side, not quite settled yet...

and so the focus on the here and now...

A beautiful, moody, illuminating, early evening sky

The wonder that is e cycle brought with it a real blast from the past straight into my kitchen!
R went out to pick up some big frames for art work that were being given away, and returned with these framed posters.... I'm not sure I can let him take the Lee jeans advert guy, or Patrick out of their frames... it would seem such a shame...
my posters were always stuck on the wall with blu-tack... but this girl obviously knew how to take care of her heroes...
And Roxette... I'd almost forgotten them and "it must have been love" and "joyride"!


I also spent an evening in a classroom with one of my old class mates from school days...
bizarre how, after years of not seeing each other, we can end up in class again...
and I was consciously aware of perceptions and how different I am now to then... and wondering what thoughts were going through her head...
how when I left here to go to college I chose to leave behind the person I was back then, and although I know she is still there, the old me, I don't want to go back to her.... yet that was the last time I spent any time with this old class mate...
It was interesting to reflect on afterwards... how we can leave our childhood labels behind... more or less for good, whilst not forgetting the lessons they have taught us.



The hair!! Who can forget...!

Spring?

I hope so...

Fragile defences

S is downstairs singing away to herself, happy and content.
She has just come back from a sleep over at a friend, the first time she has slept over at this particular house...

Lately it has struck me that the really important things in life are also the most fragile and easily broken... trust, love, friendship, self belief, confidence, faith, hope....all the things that protect us, none of them can just exist without being constantly worked at and renewed, fed in some way. Left without being nurtured they will slide all on their own. As much as we like to think we have built strong defences, in fact they are easily shattered and one small dent can spread rapidly until it collapses in a heap. It can take quite some rebuilding too... slowly and painstakingly, piece by piece....
And because often the cracks appear first in one small corner and spread from there we don't always see them until the damage is quite advanced... our focus isn't always where it needs to have been...

That when our focus is on us coping with changes and losses around us, and we are finding it hard, it is easy to be blind to the effect of the situation on our children or others around us for that matter....
It is easy to misread wanting to stay close to home and extra hugs and loves as just feeling more loving for some reason... increased emotions as tiredness or hormones... easy to just accept the security and reassurance we all want from being together.
it's harder to identify the gradual erosion of self confidence and low level constant worrying that builds and grows and is rarely verbalised for various reasons...

until there is a moment of sudden realisation... when it dawns all too clearly that the cracks of insecurity and lack of confidence have started to spread, and we need to concentrate on rebuilding it...
hindsight is a wonderful thing, of course we should have, could have predicted and therefore prevented a dip in confidence....

thing is it's far more fragile than I ever really thought...and can never be taken for granted...
which makes me think that actually all of these are far more fragile than I give them credit for...

and that is why after a lot of talking and preparation and a little persuasion S slept out at this friend last night

and why it is so truly wonderful to hear her singing to herself now...

Little things

If it's the little things in life that make all the difference then there is nothing wrong with a little superficiality now and again...

Recently I have been feeling pulled in all directions from various people, and having energy leached out of me without even being asked.. so today I shut the world out, apart from the world I wanted.

I took time getting ready, instead of throwing clothes on in a rush. I went on my own to vote... it was peaceful and quiet... I breezed into work for a meeting and came home... and then at 4.15 I was at the gym, which just so happened to coincide with a team of fit firemen working out and a guy with tanned legs who can skip for ever....

Very shallow I know, but the minutes did tick by all the quicker for it...

(four figures in this photo)

First impressions of our Anthony Gormley sculptures, on a cold, grey day.
Whispers on the horizon - that was what they were intended to be apparently.
Without going into any indepth analysis of why ~
I do like them.

I think they suit the greyness of the castle, and the mist too, and I wonder how they will suit sunshine and blue skies in the summer ~ if they will change in their character somehow.

Just thinking...

Some days it feels as if I'm really living life, other days I'm being dragged along for the ride, other days I'm watching everyone else playing and I'm sat taking mental notes...
I'm not sure what the balance of these days is supposed to be, some days it feels as if I have a choice and other days I definitely know that I'm not the one steering the ship.

I guess people like songs about survival because life is so tough for so many.
We have to believe we will survive, because we have no choice...and the truth is we do survive whatever is thrown our way... generally...

That's good... and I need to be reminded of that often... because from where I am standing - or sitting, watching, and making my mental notes, life seems fairly rubbish for a whole heap of people, for a lot of the time...and at times it is for me too.

I have always been amazed at the things people have survived, the stories they tell about what they have been through, and come out of the other end.... they are incredible.

I have been privileged to be with families when their worlds have turned upside down in an instant, and travelled along side them for some of the journey... then seen them several years later, inevitably scarred from it, but having survived and adjusted to how life is now...
I don't know HOW they do it, but I know they do.

I know that often people don't remember specific words that have been used, but they do remember feelings and emotions, and they remember who was there for them and who wasn't....

Every person is a story of survival... we all have stories, living them now...

I don't know why that should be surprising, it's not really... we're all more resilient than we think we are... and I like that.

We can spend all our lives trying to make sense of things and still never work them out I suppose... but somehow in the process of trying, we find our key to survival, our means of coping with stuff that otherwise seems too hard to deal with.

Living, really living, surviving, and just existing...
perhaps we need to experience all of those to say we have lived fully.

Faith renewed :)

Several weeks ago my lovely camera, only six months old, was sent off to N*kon to be repaired after the battery cover split in two as I went to put the battery on charge.

now this isn't covered under guarantee as it is not a functioning part, but since I have been extremely possessive over it and kept it nicely in it's case I was a little put out that it should break like that on me without any reason...and so when the shop told me I was going to have to pay an extortionate amount of money to have it repaired, I felt it was worth writing to the manufacturer to see if they would listen to me ~ unlikely I thought, but tell the truth and see where it gets you.

I took it in to the shop so they could post the letter as requested.... the manager was quite disappointed when I said it wasn't a stroppy letter, it was just saying what had happened and telling it like it was.

He said he liked reading stroppy letters... but I couldn't see that that would get me anywhere fast....
There were lots of feelings I hadn't expected with the loss of my camera ~ it fits in it's case in my handbag, goes everywhere with me, had even replaced makeup - something had to go until I bought a new bag!
It was neat and useful and I liked it... so an enforced period without it has been hard - I was told it would take 6-8 weeks because it has to clear customs...that is after it is mended!

Anyhow, in with the post this weekend came a letter from them saying they have agreed to repair it asap, and get it back to me....free of charge... :)

Soon I will have it back, soon I can record memories again, soon there will be photos on my blog...not the best, but they are mine.

The people at N*kon listened, they read what I had said, and I hope, the feeling behind the words. I had never been in a stroppy mode, I was just sad...and disappointed.

I don't know how long it will be, but there is a faith renewed that even in big organisations there are people who will look at an individual situation and treat it as such.
That in itself is reassuring in a world where people are so reluctant to deviate from set rules and look at each scenario on it's own merits....

Now I just have to wait for it to get through customs on it's way home...
I also now have a lovely new bag that will fit both camera and make up in... and book, and diary, and money... and any other essential item a girl needs !

Sculpture and important things..

An interesting talk and presentation by this guy this evening.
Tomorrow, all being well, we will be graced with some of his work around our castle.
There are questions I would love to ask him....didn't get a chance....would love to have time to sit and chat with him properly and not necessarily about dissecting what he has already done...

Afterwards there was a rare opportunity for R and me to have a quiet drink and catch up with each other... times to talk without interruptions of children or phones or family are important and infrequent. Life makes it all too easy to not communicate and to let things ride and not discuss things... long gone are the leisurely days when we only had work and each other and we didn't have to say it all in the odd ten minutes here and there...
There were a couple of important things that had been hanging around just lately... not ten minute ones....they still bother me, but it's good to have shared them...and to have R's take on things too.

We should go out more than we do...

Predominately Birthdays..

It's turned midnight so now it has to be a belated birthday to Kal at Trauma Queen... as a birthday present he said he would love it if people wandered his way, and it seems a simple enough request from a paramedic in training who keeps life real, which I love, and as it is from his perspective on the streets of Edinburgh...

Life in the RD family continues as usual...
R, aka popeye is doing well so far, even minus a parrot...
and talking of Birthdays, the search is on for a present for a good friend's 40th... it would seem I rarely scour the shops for more than the essentials and so really should have started looking sooner...
a lack of inspiration is frustrating to say the least...
I knew I should have looked in England but that time was precious for me and S...
I do hate it when I get caught up in material things... but thats the way it is... will search tomorrow - her Birthday is Friday!!

Birthdays seem to predominate in May (and December) so I need to get myself in gear for parties and fun...

In addition to requiring a patience store, I could also do with an inspiration one and a few extra hours sleep one too...
I would also quite like a fat removal and age reduction store, a pms relief store and.... I guess my list continues...

But if pushed, I suppose I'd settle for the first three :)

It's been a long long day. Up at 5.30 am, children delivered to grandparents and then in hospital at just gone 7am. Two newspapers, eight election manifestos, one magazine and several chapters of a book later at lunchtime, I finally get to the canteen for a coffee while R is in theatre.

We arrive home with instructions, drops and eye patch, several hours later, exhausted...

The children, emotional... relieved but emotional.

Their Dad, their hero, always and forever their hero...

The one with bigger and better stories, more adventures than they can imagine, the biggest kid on the block...the invincible... suddenly out of action, disarmed and vulnerable.

So enters our unsung hero, the bear, quietly creating unseen mischief in our absence.

Frequently found out on tops of cupboards and sliding down curtains. He misbehaves terribly at dentists, pinching stickers and sitting on lights, making comments at inconsiderate people and always taking our side... regardless...

the lovable scallywag who never fails to deliver love and loyalty.

He's been rummaging in the bathroom, and spotting us driving in, and spying R's patch, doesn't want to be left out...

By the time we arrive in, he is complete with patch and tucked up in S's bed.... feigning empathy I wonder...?

He does however stem S's tears of love and relief and brings a smile and laughter back to the house. He talks and answers back, and sometimes just listens...

often he says silly stupid things and has to be corrected...

he can say all the things that are too hard to say...

Most of the time I shake my head in disbelief at 'duck' the bear... (his name is another story)

other times I am exceedingly grateful...

worryingly I am almost convinced he has a personality...

But you couldn't wish for a wiser, more helpful, outrageously wicked, and naughty, compassionate little guy in the world...

He is tucked up sleeping and so are the rest of this family...

imaginations quietened and settled by a soft bear rescued from a funfair last summer...

perspective, socks and sandwiches...

Most days I pray that we will get through the day without any upset or altercation...
most days it doesn't happen...
I blame surging hormones as a catalyst.... almost totally....
which means most days I have to explain myself and why I feel, think and act as I do to irrational members of this family... rationalising various situations and trying to prevent them reoccurring..

cold bacon sandwiches and no washed white socks doesn't sound much...
but they almost ruined our day...
thats daft and stupid..
most arguments start out daft and escalate...

family life....

what worries me is that I have known grown men and women to get seriously hurt by matters that start out equally trivially...

and that bothers me,
that is serious,
and that is why this morning was spent talking about issues surrounding reactions to cold bacon sandwiches and dirty socks....!

perspective is a hard thing to grasp...
how we speak to others has a direct effect on how they respond back...
and so it may end up being the reaction, and not the subject matter, that is the real problem...

I think we all learned something from this strange morning...

and meanwhile, I pray again for tomorrow and what it might bring...

I think we finished the bacon though!

It's holiday time, and although it's nippy, the sun is out.

The perfect opportunity to cycle to the beach and eat chips on the sea wall...

Back home there are plenty of projects to work on and several half finished items need finishing.
In fact there is far more work than can easily be fitted into the holidays, so we have to pick and choose ~ most are fun things to do, but I seem to have put off the less fun things for some time now.

However,

Its also a time to recharge and re energise - time to prioritise a sense of well being and nurture that all round...

the after effects of the adrenaline rush have left me happy and content to just read and sleep if left to my own devices...

for a change I'm reading girly summer fiction, that feel good medicine for brains, that is so overlooked, and yet so invauable in certain situations...

I don't want to think too hard, I want to be drawn into a fantasy world where I don't have to think, I just have to be led ~ into romance and intruige, desire and longing... well, thats what you get in these books ~ hey and it's good!!!

And even though I was in work this morning for a few hours, somehow it didn't seem to matter as much - we're on holiday... :)

Lads indeed mmp! And under there, I guess it is a boy thing!!

No bones broken but one brand new bike seriously damaged - three days after we bought it...
As I search for ways of protecting my son I know I have to let go too...

I didn't shout or get cross... his face and demeanor said it all.... and so we came away from the shop with some sound advice from a well respected island cyclist on jumping and speed downhill racing!!!!! Oh and some good knee/shin and elbow protection that is up to the job...I may well need a local reliable valium supplier before too long instead of just the offlicence!

No, as the guy said, you can't wrap them up in cotton wool for ever, they do have to go, but I don't seem to see anyone else outwardly struggling with it...

When he was smaller I thought it was going to last forever ~

him deing dependent and needing me, wanting me...looking to me for help and advice and guidance..
now I think it's only the love that lasts forever.

Is this the eternal struggle being a parent? The letting go....? I know I've said it before.. and will do again!
Watching them grow and become....amazing people, even if they seem to have no sense at all....

who else would consider swimming in the sea on a day when we had the hardest frost of the year so far...?

But then again, we did have the first barbeque of the year... wrapped in fleeces but it was wonderful...

Gotta love the madness that lads bring to a home...

yes, they rock in ways only lads can...!

I wouldn't change it, but I do want to keep hold of each moment for ever...

Wonderful craziness...

It's a beautiful if crazy world... Impossible to fathom ~
full of contradictions, and, when you least expect it, people who make suggestions and see possibilities as opposed to obstacles...
who disregard any problems with solutions.

It does feel good, when someone offers a glimmer of hope, of light and possibility.... makes me shake my head in disbelief and amazement.

Perhaps it's only as I get older I wonder more about how life pans out, and although trust is hard to come by, I know I should believe in it more than I do.
even if we only give each other a glimmer of hope, it can lift us enough to see for ourselves, that which perhaps has only been previously visible to others...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

And talking of crazy ~ the scene that met me when I returned from the gym - my first trip since my painful and swollen joints stopped me ~

my son and friend taking absolutely no notice of the dark!

what exactly can be dangerous about riding bikes through/over obstacles in the pitch black??????

No wonder I sent out for more wine...!!

It snowed today :) for all of ten minutes we got excited and ran out to play...

then the sun came out and that was it... excitement of the year all gone....

those white bits are snow... honest they are...

I then spent the rest of the day working out how to transfer photos from my phone to the computer once I realised I couldn't transfer them to the mac...! how disappointing is that...? Eventually it worked... even if the photo itself isn't great... I can work on that - perhaps by the end of the contract I'll actually decide I like this phone.. for now I'm merely trying to understand it's basic functions as the instructions are sparce...

snow here is exceedingly rare... it makes it all the more memorable.
I remember building a snowman when I was small ~ we have photos, the most amazing party when we all had to sleep over when I was 17... it was good - and is still talked about today..., and R sinking in snow when he was only just crawling the first winter we were back here...

it would be so lovely if it snowed and settled overnight... enough for snowballs and snowmen and sledging...

considering people I know are stuck in London and can't get home tonight, that might not be such a daft thought...

Sun and rain

A part of me feels like apologising for the previous post.
Rainbow dreaming should be colourful and fun, but it can't be sunny all the time... and I guess thats what makes rainbows.

Two things have struck me, or I have been reminded of in the past day.

I have never had as much support for anything, ever, as I had for this ~ everyone was behind me encouraging and said how great it would be for me, how I was made for it, or was it made for me?
I was selective who I told until nearer the date, but I would have fitted in exactly - and that was obvious to many ~ a hand and glove kind of thing.
So, with lots of people rooting for me, and especially when it all went so well yesterday morning, there were lots of people to tell when it didn't work out.
Lots of people genuinely disappointed for me, and caring.

However, there is always one.... one who knows best... who is going to try and tell you what you should do, one who instead of just being there and showing empathy, has to feel free to offer unasked for advice, helpful (or unhelpful) suggestions, one who won't listen, won't let you just be....
RD felt like being, and very nearly was, exceedingly rude to said person...!!

The last thing anyone ever needs is advice unless it has been asked for... fortunately it was on the phone, and you can't see nonverbal communication down telephone lines, thank goodness.... ;)
I know it is tempting, I am sure it helped this person feel better about me not getting it...but it didn't make me feel any better, it made me feel worse, even though I am sure it was well intentioned.

The second was that R jnr slept out last night so he wasn't here when the call came in from HR.
I didn't get to see him until after football this afternoon. But when I did, he gave me the biggest, bestest hug in the whole wide world.... he cried a little and he hugged me so tightly - his strong arms holding me in shared disappointment as I reassured him it was all ok.
He is as tall as me - or at least he is with his football boots on - he has grown into a wonderful nearly teenager who feels and cares and shows it. We are learning how to channel those emotions and feelings as hormones and puberty kick in - it is a challenge and he drives me demented half the time, but it is amazing, it is miraculous, and I know I am both blessed and lucky to have a family like this.

With arms wrapped tightly round me it is easier to believe that whatever will be will be... and that we need both the sun and the rain if we are to see the beautiful rainbow colours of life...

Our best shot...

My best shot...
All the hard work, all the anticipation... the interview came and went, it's done.
I gave my best and there is a satisfaction in that. I won't know if it was good enough until hopefully later on today.
I do care, but we can only ever do what we can...
the rest isn't up to me..
This could be a real change in direction, or I could still be on the same path...
will wait and see now,
It's also the start of the holiday for the children here so we're off to have some fun..
Hope friday is good to all of you too, x

and so it happens sometimes...

I didn't get it....
and so I will walk this road for a bit longer...
they had my best, and it was good... I am reassured by that,
but it wasn't meant to be.

We move on..

Blessings of blogging...

Silently, one by one,

in the infinite meadows of heaven,

Blossomed the lovely stars,

the forget-me-nots of angels.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

You just never know where and when you might meet a new friend, when instead of merely brushing close to someone, your paths cross over and somehow interlink. When a passing encounter will turn into a closer friendship... A comment or a smile, eyes meeting, coincidences (although I'm not sure there ever are such things) take you on a new path together, a stranger beomes a companion on our journey.

Friends are true blessings, especially when we might not be blessed with a great deal of family.

It was sheer curiosity that started me blogging. A strange word - and world - I had to find out about...what would drive someone to blog... what was it all about?

But the blogging natives seemed friendly enough...and if you left a comment they might reply... and what is more it seemed you really could get an idea of what someone was like from their blog over a period of time...

Paths crossed and some connections were made.

Regular reading and comments back and forth, and then e mails mean you get to know some part of someone and it's a strange thing but friendships develop.

I have come across some really lovely people since I started this almost experimental pastime and was completely taken aback and lost for words when I went to claim a parcel that I missed being delivered and found it was all the way from America, from Jayne at Journey through grace.

Jayne loves her birds and I have been inspired by her to take more notice of our feathered friends that visit our feeders. I have a beautiful new mug and plate and am also amazed they travelled so l in the mail.

I have been enjoying my many cups of tea in it whilst trying to focus on my portfolio - it is gorgeous , thank you, x

Until now there are only a handful of people I know in real life who know I blog - and it's something I want to keep just for me... (various reasons...)

next month I am travelling over to meet up with Dana in London when she visits.

I'm not sure what I am going to say, how I am going to explain the connection to my parents as to why I am going to London to meet someone I met on the internet... I am so careful with my children and the net...I know the hazards that are out there... I can hear my parents now if I were to tell them the truth...but this is different...these people are lovely, nice people.

It's just how does one explain?