Back

so I'm back again :~) finally!!

The day after my last post was a life changing day/night/event that I can only say I survived and my friends and family somehow dragged me through. The most terrifying event I have ever been witness/victim/survivor of.

As a result,
I learnt above anything that I have some of the most awesome friends in the world that really are there when I needed them.
I learned that I could go to the very edge of the cliff and teeter on the brink and not fall off ~ though heaven knows why I didn't.
I saw the fear in my parents eyes, and my friends about me, and because I felt it too I couldn't do anything about it. For once I was too vulnerable to protect them.

I saw fear translate into anger in people around me and I was scared. I was too scared about me to feel anger until after it was over.. the whole thing - court and the press...
I gave up alcohol and couldn't eat, couldn't swallow.. and yet I could just about function in the workplace. Odd!

I wanted to die and yet had very little choice but to continue to exist.. without seeing a future.

I have never been so scared in my life.
never been so scarred,

and yet I lived.. and my family lived.

That to me is a miracle.

I learned that the end of life isn't always measured in days, or hours, or minutes, but in seconds... the most terrifying moment of revelation ever...

I learned that I was lucky.

That somehow we escaped... and with faith in ourselves and our family we could learn to live again, pick up the pieces, and carry on
that I could trust people, even strangers again, even though it took courage to do it.

That in December I couldn't imagine that June would exist and yet here we are
and that the essence of me is still me...

that my kids have been amazing, that we have literally been to hell and come back again..
through sheer determination and belief in ourselves and one another.
Through talking, sharing, helping one another, being sensitive to one another's needs... and persistently refusing to let anyone take our vital life force away from us...

we discovered and relearned that life is indeed for living

I'm not so daft that I don't know we have hurdles ahead - anniversaries, the unexpected encounter and things we haven't considered...

and yet I do feel that we have found our footing again... thanks to so many people - some who know and some who I have yet to thank for their part.

We aren't strong on our own...

sometimes we need our friends and family and connections to hold us when we can't hold ourselves...

BUT at the end of it all, I'm still here, and life is good...

There is colour and fun, and fire and beauty, and friends and sparkle, and a now for us to enjoy in freedom.

That even though perspective can, and most certainly does wane over time, life is all the sweeter for what could have been - and thankfully wasn't...

That the rainbow is indeed still there... :~)

Rest in peace my friend...

"I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged.
Their feathers are just too bright and when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice, but still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone.
I guess I just miss my friend."

Red in the Shawshank Redemption

For a friend who was in my life for way too short a time - but who taught me much about all kinds of things.
I know she is free now, free of all pain and finally at peace.
Still very sad and I do miss her - thats selfish but human.

And yet on another level, it is true for us all I think - we all need our freedom, and clipped wings are just cruel
no bird is meant to be caged, and if we leave the door open we may find some colourful visitors come to roost with us a while, maybe even often.
They may leave behind evidence of their prescence, a soft downy comfort, or a bright tail feather as a reminder while they adventure, but whatever they leave, we are blessed to have had them with us and shared with them.

While they are here we get used to their presence, to sharing our food and water and our tales, to caring for one another when they are around. We certainly do miss them when they are away, and may even anticipate their return, expect their return, which invariably they do.

It may be that this may be their perch of choice, that they are always here, but they will always have wings.
It is part of their beauty,
part of what we liked about them to begin with when they flew into our lives from nowhere - they chose to stop a while and admire our plumage and our home too...that made us feel good.

Wings are
vital
compelling
integral to who we are.
We all may choose where we go
and noone has the right to clip them
or to close the cage door.

And surely they are at their most spectacular and glorious when they are spread and in flight... and even more so if we see them coming home :)

Just read this... and had to share :)

Steps To Happiness ~

Everybody Knows:
You can't be all things to all people.
You can't do all things at once.
You can't do all things equally well.
You can't do all things better than everyone else.

So:
You have to find out who you are, and be that.
You have to decide what comes first, and do that.
You have to discover your strengths, and use them.
You have to learn not to compete with others,
Because no one else is in the contest of *being you*.

Then:
You will have learned to accept your own uniqueness.
You will have learned to set priorities and make decisions.
You will have learned to live with your limitations.
You will have learned to give yourself the respect that is due.
And you'll be a most vital mortal.

Dare To Believe:
That you are a wonderful, unique person.
That you are a once-in-all-history event.
That it's more than a right, it's your duty, to be who you are.
That life is not a problem to solve, but a gift to cherish.
And you'll be able to stay one up on what used to get you down.



just loved it and wanted to keep it safe and also to share it here..
am thinking, feeling and should be writing
but too busy with the living bit at the moment - haven't forgotten any of you though...
love to all
x

feel like I must have read this before..

but can't place it..

The Invitation ~

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to
be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can
disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Inspirational...awesome...respect ~ Johnny Budden aka "Sticky"

Just had to come by to post about a remarkable guy doing something incredible for a fantastic cause...
Johnny Budden aka "Sticky" who is about to set off on a 1000 mile journey (actually 1300 miles) from John O'Groats to Paris using parkour -
his journey begins on Sunday
and it's all to raise money for Motor Neurone Disease, which is something that possibly scares me more than any other disease.

You can learn more about him and his journey on his web site
The videos of him are amazing...
and you can track his progress as he makes his way down the country.
There is also an interview he did with someone caring for someone with Motor Neurone disease
plus if you wnat to donate then there is a link on his site for that too

I have lots of thoughts / feelings about MND, and also about parkour (and how it touched our life briefly) - loads I could blog about, but I'm not sure it's really that relevant.

what seems most important is a very generous souled guy doing something special to help other people..
Oh and he's also got a wicked sense of fun...tonight he reached 1000 followers on twitter and is going to run ten miles of it naked!

Dreaming of a hobbit house...:~D

oh and one more thing...

I fell totally head over heels when I was told about this house - stunning.

I hope the link works and takes you to the most beautiful hobbit house - low impact woodland home...magical
Perhaps it just sits so perfectly with all my childhood dreams, perhaps it's the romantic notions of woodlands and living outdoors, perhaps it's tied in with looking after this planet, or a mix of all of them.
For whatever reason, I'm left hoping that maybe there will be more like it in the future... and that maybe there will be a woodland hotel or similar sometime soon too :~D

Happy...soul smiling :~)

Have been missing writing here - which probably means I should drop by more often -
Soon I'll be moving upstairs to the bedroom with the laptop - we have visitors for a couple of weeks and just maybe I'll find escape-time up there to unwind before sleep.

I came across these wonderful clips - from the world of happy :) and as they made me smile I thought I'd share...
I'd like to think I was the pink drumming cricket, but I'm not as good...!!

And on the happy note, so many moments lately have made me happy - moments when you stop and you can feel your soul smiling,

remembering

the colour of the sea as I drove past
the new shoot on the bird of paradise plant which I know one day will flower... I know it will!!
the angel who gave me a lift between hospitals on my last check up in England
the cute cyclist who smiled and waved but I haven't a clue who he is
the consultant who told me it was absolutely fine for me to 'go climb a mountain' as long as I took back a photo next time I saw him :~D

and lots to do with children and friends...

and sleep and
team work
and people who stretch me and show me possibilities and who are exciting and teach me new things... and the fun of learning, and discovery
and making connections and links and wondering at the way connections are made, and at how serendipity plays a part in life and that surely there is no such thing as coincidence...

and for all it's flaws once again wishing I could just freeze time so I could breathe in these moments a bit longer...