Ramblings on Fear. And Love. (Spoiler -- chose the latter!)

Fear can be such a mysterious thing sometimes.  Sometimes we know exactly why we are afraid of something.  There might be grounded, rational reasons to have that particular fear, or the fears might be completely unfounded and inexplicable.  I have a fear of pulling out into a particular intersection near our home.  This intersection leaves you blind to oncoming traffic from both directions and I have had several very real, very terrifying near collisions in that intersection.  So, I only go that way when I have to, which isn't very often. It seems like a very rational fear to me... although members of my family use that intersection every day and never have the trouble I have.  I guess it's because they don't have a fear of it.  They haven't lost their confidence.

But sometimes we have fears that we really can't explain or can't even figure out what the basis of it is -- the root of it. Or maybe we even know the root of it, but we can't seem to pull that root up and rid ourselves of the fear that has blossomed from that seed.  Right now, I'm experiencing something even a little bit more quarrelsome. There is something I desperately want to do... I even feel God calling me to do it... it's nothing crazy or mind-blowing... just something I've always dreamed of doing.  But something is holding me back.

I heard someone once say that everything comes from one of two places.  Love or Fear. Think about it... every emotion you have, every reaction or action you take... it is motivated by either love.... or fear.  Everything.  And let me just state the obvious :) -- Love = God.  Fear = Satan.  So, there you go... the two kingdoms.  The kingdom of love, the kingdom of fear.  I know which one I live in.  It's just so frustrating when sometimes I find myself skipping down the dark hallways of that other kingdom.

So, in thinking about this thing that I want to do but can't seem to, let me momentarily invite you into my head as I talk my way through this. "I realize that I'm certainly not being stopped by love...so obviously, I'm being dragged down by fear.  Damn... that is frustrating!  Especially because I'm not sure of the root of that fear.  Let me see... is it fear of failure?  Probably.  Although I have come to learn that I never have to fear that God will see me as a failure...and with that knowledge, I certainly don't have to worry about failing anyone else.  So... fear of rejection?  Whew... I've always struggled with that.  I love to please people.  But, if there is no one that I am afraid to fail for, maybe it's fear that I will be rejected or disliked for what I dream of doing.  Well, I know that God will never ever reject me... so with that in mind, why should I entertain any fear of man!  Hmm...pride?  Could it be pride?  Ugghh... probably some of that too. I mean, if I don't succeed in this... that would be embarrassing."

See... just like I said... I know the truth about God and how He feels about me, how much He loves me, and what He wants for me...and yet, here I am quivering in that other kingdom, being held back by that fear. So.  What's the answer here?  I mean, surely, if I took all this time to write this down in a blog... SURELY, I have an answer.  Or at least a step by step method to conquer this fear.

Nope.  Sorry.  There really is no step by step method.  No "here's what you need to do".  But I do know one thing.  I know that God has the answer.  And I may avoid asking Him for help and prolong the life of this fear. I may try to pretend that the fear doesn't exist and act tough for the rest of the world to see.  But no matter what I chose to do, He is right there.  Loving me.  Supporting me.  Cheering me on.  He's not angry at me for letting this fear hold me back from what He is calling me to do.  He is far too patient for that.  He knows the end game.  And I know that whatever fear or lie or trap that that other kingdom uses to keep me from pursuing my dreams, God is going to walk me through that too -- highlighting the way, changing course as needed, and always always always leading me to Him. That's love. And that is definitely answer enough for me.  I feel better already!  Thanks for visiting my head :).

Undertow

Undertow - pic by Steve Ellis

Undertow:  an underlying current, force, or tendency that is in opposition to what is apparent

Life is full of highs and lows, mountains and valleys, pushing and pulling.  Sometimes we feel the contrast between those to a greater degree.  Sometimes it just feels like smooth sailing... while other times it feels like we are clinging to the shore for dear life.  I wish I knew what caused this divergence... this going from where I feel peace and joy freely to those times where I feel like I'm blindly tripping my way through the darkness. I have theories, as I'm sure everyone does, but theories don't help when you suddenly feel mired down in the muck.

Recently, I found myself living through my emotions... not feeling grounded... unable to find my balance (Jesus).  I felt myself pushing away from Him while He was gently trying to pull me back in.  It was like I was on a wave and He was the undertow pulling me towards Him, but in a panic, I would rush back to shore with the wave, clamoring to hold on to what I thought was safe.

Like the definition of undertow, what was apparent to me was that my life was out of control.  What was apparent was what the world wanted to me to see... my weaknesses, my failures, my unfulfilled dreams.  But Jesus is the force, the current that is in opposition to what is apparent.  If I could let the undertow (Him) pull me in, I could relax and ride the waves on His raft... His raft of peace, acceptance and love. But, like most of us, I'm so used to fighting...clawing for the love and acceptance that I've had to earn in life, that I don't even know how to relax and let Him pull me in.

So after nearly two weeks of stumbling around trying to find my own way...I stopped.  Exhausted, I realized that this was just another part of my journey.  The journey of discovering how much I rely on the world and the acceptance of those around me for my happiness and joy in life. I told Him, "I'm just tired of trying so hard to be who you want me to be -- something I'm not." And He whispered. "What if I told you that you are trying hard to be something your NOT instead of being who I created you to be?" That makes sense, I thought... but I don't know how to DO that. And I heard a lion's roar -- "STOP DOING!!"  Gently, He continued... "Stop striving for my peace and just rest in it.  Stop clamoring for love when I am right here loving you more than you will even need. Stop worrying about acceptance and know that I accept you completely and fully JUST AS YOU ARE." 

So with that truth, HIS TRUTH, fastened tightly around my waist, today I am letting go of the shore.  I am letting the undertow, that force that is the opposite of what I see and feel here in this world, pull me back in... to the safety of His loving arms. If you need me... I'll be on a raft.  Care to join me?

Wild Ride

What a ride we are on, wouldn't you say?  Crazy turns, dark tunnels, soaring high, flipping upside down.  It's so easy to get lost in the myriad of options life throws our way. Lord... show me the way! How often in our daily lives do we ask Him that... begging Him for direction?

I left my job several weeks ago... in pursuit of whatever it was God has for me.  I left knowing that He has something waiting for me... I just had to find it.  And the search began.  Each day I wrote in my journal "Lord, show me your path... show me the way.... what is it that you want me to do?"  And all I kept hearing was "rest".  Errgg... that's not the answer I was looking for!  I love the idea of adventure... not crazy bungie jumping advenure... just middle of the line, rock your socks a bit adventure.  And I'm also a heavily responsible person... pay the bills on time, always make the respectable "correct" choices kind of person. So hearing "rest" has been frustrating and confusing.  "I can't REST, Lord... I have things to do, people to help, responsibilities to be responsible for -- JUST SHOW ME THE WAY!"

Then it hit me!  HE IS THE WAY!  He is the path!  Read Psalm 16:11 -- 

"You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." 

The PATH that I have been so desperately seeking isn't a "path" or even a destination -- it's simply Jesus.  The path of life is so very simple -- it's connection with Him! And if we have that, it doesn't matter which direction we go, which fork we take, which adventure we pursue -- it will always be right because we have HIM! I can fail, I can trip, I can hit a dead end, I can soar, I can succeed -- but honestly, none of that matters -- that's all just happening here in this "crazy-wacky-wavable-inflatable-arm-flailing-tube man" kind of world.

But my connection to the Kingdom, my connection to Jesus... that's what matters.  I can take anything with Him -- rejection, hurt, sadness, death -- any of it -- His path means being filled with JOY because I am in His presence.

I was flown up for an interview yesterday for what I thought was my "dream job"... the path I thought I was supposed to take.  I was terrified and excited.  The interview went surprisingly well, I had a blast meeting new people, overlooking the city from our 34th floor of the Sears Tower, and enjoyed every part of the experience. I realized the day before I left that this was God just showing off -- showing me that when I trust Him -- there is nothing He can't do!  When He says "chase your dreams" -- He showed me that it is possible! And even though I'm probably not going to get a job offer... the experience -- seeing God at work in my life -- was worth every second of that adventure. It also helped me to rethink what exactly my "dreams" look like.

I look back over the last few months and how often I was asking Him to "reveal His path to me". And here it was all along -- His Presence!  With that, I have all that I ever wanted and needed.  Whatever "job" comes my way, or whatever I chose to do... I know down to the tips of my toes that as long as He is my focus, then my path (my life) will look exactly how it's supposed to look.  So who knows... I might go right, I might go left, I might climb, or I might fall.  But either way, Jesus is there and with that comes a whole lot of JOY!  That sounds like the right path to me!

Light in the Darkness

Looking back over my journal, I found that lately I have been more aware of the lies that I have believed about who I am and how I fit into this beautiful but confusing world. The lies sneak in so quickly -- the enemy is so conniving and deceitful.  But when you recognize that and realize the lies that you have been believing, it's hard not to fall to your knees and thank Jesus for pointing out the truth, showing you the light, and loving you back to who He created you to be!

Each day I receive a new awareness of His love for me and the battle raging for my soul.  His love fights for me (and each and every one of us) in a constant spiritual battle that we can't even see or comprehend. Sometimes though, when I have a brief moment of clarity, I can sense it... and when I'm aware of it, I realize just how awesome and powerful His love truly is.  The world is so deceived and our minds are often lost to living only by what we can see and feel.  The lies here on earth are so rampant, but His truth, His light overshadows it all in the spiritual realm.  Our minds can't grasp that realm, so His love fights for us without recognition... without us even knowing it.  Imagine, He loves us so much that He is fighting for each and every one of us and we can't even see it.

Today I sit here overwhelmed by His love and I thank Him for fighting for me, loving me, protecting me, holding me, lighting my path, bringing peace to my heart and joy to my life. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for continually overshadowing the lies with your Truth! Thank you for the light in the darkness!

Heaven's Truth

With Easter just a week behind us, I keep finding myself blown away by what Jesus did for us! That He came down from heaven to finish what He started with creation -- to completely connect to us. The revelation of that kind of love is something you simply can't describe... it can't be put into mere earth bound words.

And I'm so very thankful for that love.  For not allowing me to live in darkness my whole life.  All I ever wanted was truth, and now I have Him -- THE TRUTH!  Nothing else matters.  No "truth" from anyone else, no "truth" here on earth can compare.  His love, His peace, His joy -- it is the ONLY truth.

The truth here on earth is that my mom has Alzheimers and is slowly and painfully losing who she once was.  But Heaven's TRUTH is that she is and will always be perfect, flawless and complete in His eyes.  Only the enemy, the ruler of this fallen world, has taken away her memory here on earth.

The truth here on earth is that someone I love dearly struggles with addiction.  But Heavens's TRUTH is that they are spotless, complete, triumphant and oh so very loved. Nothing the evil one can say or try to plant in their head can take that truth away!

The truth here on earth is that we all struggle with fears and lies that the enemy wants us to believe are real.  But Heaven's TRUTH is that he is a liar and the fear we are experiencing is NOT true. We are loved completely by the Creator of the Universe and NOTHING ELSE MATTERS!

So ask yourself today, are you believing the truth here on earth or are you believing Heaven's truth?  Whenever you hear something that doesn't line up with His truth... take a moment to just readjust your thoughts. And if you aren't sure what His truth might be in a situation -- ASK HIM!