One of the episodes of Last Exile had that line. And about a couple of weeks ago, I was waiting for my mom after pc tuition and I looked up and realised that the line was true because I couldn't find orion. And it kinda shocked me because when something constant and unchanging for lightyears suddenly doesn't hang in the sky anymore, you wonder what it really means.

But just now, as I was crossing the overhead bridge on the way home, I looked up and I saw orion again. And that feeling of relief that it was still there was pretty significant. And I guess that's God's way of telling me that while it may seem He won't be there at certain times, He will always be there even if I can't see. It's not something I don't already know. It's just something I need to be constantly reminded of. I guess everyone needs this sort of reassurance every once in a while.

+++

Today was a good, productive day. I woke up before am turned into pm, I spent all day with one of my oldest and best friends, I had a real good dinner and I managed to get stuff done. I think I ought to stop bumming around whenever I have free time. Using my time wisely and actually getting things done makes my days seem more worthwhile (:
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My sister thinks the things which trouble me are rather trivial when she considers what troubles her. Well I can't say whose issues are more serious and troubling because I don't believe they can be compared. But I do believe that I have gone through hell and high water in my own way. Which is why I may be self-righteous to a certain extent. I know it's not good but can you really stand by and see people bitch about things which you KNOW are just so insignificant? I keep quiet because I know it's not for me to judge and condemn but sometimes the narrow-mindedness and myopia of some people can be just so frustrating. And sometimes I feel this overwhelming sense of injustice but there is nothing I can do about it and expressing it is not my duty. And I keep it bottled inside, feeling guilty all the time that I don't have the heart and compassion to let it go.

Parts of this entry have been deleted because they have already served their purpose.
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i am rather disgusted with the absolute lack of productivity today.
i didn't even make it to church ):
i watched tv all afternoon. and i was watching repeats.
i didn't do any work, i'm trying very hard to make up by attempting to read bio. i must add i'm failing miserably.
i didn't manage to go running.

thing is, i don't quite know what to do. well i know i ought to put my time to good use, knowing how the week's gonna be another long and busy one. but there's this sense of vacuum, a sense of calm before a storm. and i don't quite know what i'm supposed to do, so i guess i'm just taking a wait-and-see stance.

and i haven't spoken to anyone today apart from family and it just kinda makes me feel so isolated and disconnected. so even if there were something huge about to happen, i'm not about to know anytime soon. shucks.

i think i need a cold shower; clear my head up.

[add]"i know my weaknesses, satan knows them even better, but God knows me best." haha. you should write more sia joel, you actually have some pretty good statements to make heh. [/add]
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Another lazy Saturday has gone by (:
Had Bio SPA in the morning and it was one of my better-done ones. Went home straight and finished watching all the Last Exile and Shaman King I'd taped over the last week (: Had a not-so-good lunch and crashed into bed from 230 to 6pm. And I decided I didn't feel up for a run ): I should work on more discipline :/

ANYWAY, to make up for the dearth of posts on weekdays, here's a random survey I ripped off someone else's blog, as well as lyric portions of the 2 songs I'm currently hooked on. Have fun (:

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like is was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
--lifehouse;blind

And we're not gonna live forever
Can you tell me is it now or never
I'm not gonna make up your mind

I don't wanna live without you
And I don't wanna live a lie
We'll never know till we try
Yeah we'll never know till we try
--lifehouse;we'llneverknow

TEN RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME
1. I have screwed up sleeping patterns
2. My worst habit is bathing late, sometimes even past midnight
3. I think Samuai Jack is a work of art heh
4. I think I will name my future son Mark
5. I am a reformed slacker
6. I live only 3 bus stops away from school but am always one of the first 5 in school
7. I feel like eating frozen strawberries now
8. I do not drink enough water a day
9. I remember most of my dreams
10. I think Meiji makes the best jelly beans heh

NINE WAYS TO WIN MY HEART
1. put up with my quirks
2. make me happy
3. love my friends and family
4. lets me win whenever we play games heh
5. always be there for me
6. not judge me
7. don't compare me
8. love me for who i am
9. share stuff with me instead of bottling things up

EIGHT THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1. Get married
2. Visit all the big cities in the world at least once
3. Retire before I'm 50
4. Have a family of my own
5. Pass my A levels and get into a good university
6. Graduate from university
7. Have a pretty well-off life
8. Stay overseas for a period of time

SEVEN WAYS TO ANNOY ME
1. accuse me of things i didn't do
2. doubt my capabilities
3. compare me with other people
4. not listen to me
5. making me do things i don't want to
6. make me listen to incessant and unimportant chatter when i clearly do not want to
7. assume things about me

SIX THINGS I BELIEVE IN
1. God
2. Salvation by grace
3. Humanity
4. Love
5. Peace
6. God's plan

FIVE THINGS I'M AFRAID OF
1. finding out bad news
2. having no good friends
3. regret
4. losing my family or friends
5. failing and disappointing

FOUR OF MY FAVORITE ITEMS IN MY ROOM
1. Big box under my bed where I keep all my special belongings from primary and secondary school
2. Spongebob lunchbox where I keep my jewellery and stuff
3. Flower petals in my Longman dictionary
4. My photo album

THREE THINGS I DO EVERYDAY
1. Watch TV
2. Read the comics in the New Paper
3. Sleep (not enough though)

TWO THINGS I WANT TO DO RIGHT NOW
1. Get into an aircon room
2. Have a nice cool shower

ONE PERSON I WANT TO SEE RIGHT NOW
1. No one in particular actually...
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the thing about realising things to do with your life, beliefs and values is that the revelation is usually such a "oh my, why the hell did i never see it that way?!" moment.

after i wrote yesterday's entry, while i was about to go to sleep, it just dawned on me that the world is not an all-you-can-eat buffet where everything's for your picking. it's not like the buffet where you've got to stuff yourself silly to really milk it for all it's worth. rather, it's a ride, a journey(pardon the cliched analogy) and the guide is God himself. and He's already got your whole itinerary planned, down to the smallest detail. think about it, all you've got to do is just relax and enjoy the ride because not only has everything been planned, it's guaranteed to be just right for you because it was planned with you in mind. and it won't matter much what everyone else is doing because your own plan has been formulated for you, and since God only has "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future", it's all going to work out fine. i can't believe it was something so simple.

just now i was reading what xiwern wrote(he FINALLY wrote something) and it was another realisation long waiting to dawn on me as well. i'm not going to summarise it so go read it for yourself. the thing is, i'm guilty of yearning for the past as well. and it just never occurred to me how all the 'bad stuff' that seems to crash down on me when i'm at my most vulnerable and fragile state just seems so overwhelming and screwed up because i'm comparing it to better days in the past. and it's so true, if we kept looking towards the past, all we'd have are dusty memories, and an insatiable desire for the impossible. so yeah, i think i ought to ponder about these revelations and start thinking of ways to put these into action.

as a totally out of point addendum, i am such a media pirate -__- i managed to obtain the new Lifehouse cd digitally. it's lovely by the way, i would recommend anyone to buy it(ahemahem, excuse the irony). but since i'm awfully poor, i'd rather buy invitation by thirteen senses instead. oh shucks, now i feel bad that i'm hurting the profit margins of one of my favorite bands :/
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I wish we all had more hours in a day because every day, there's always so much to do and so little time. Actually, it goes the same way for our lives. There's so much out there to accomplish, but you then realise how fragile and ephemeral life is, and it just kinda hits you that you might not have the time to do everything you want to. Which is why people say "Carpe Diem" right? To at least do as much as you can, while you still can. But what if "as much as you can", is just not enough for you?

I think today's message during chapel was rather significant. Typical message about basing your self-worth on God and how basing it on the things of the world will only fail you ultimately. But I think something about it resonated in my heart and I think I'm on the edge of realising something monumentally huge about the way I go about my life. I know I already yield my life to God but I know there's still something missing and I'm so close to realising what it is. Now, if only I didn't have to do my Physics tutorial and spend this time contemplating this instead...
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slacking.
(:

nice day today (:
if only the weather wasn't so hot...

i think i've found a new earworm. heh.

Well I'm open, you're closed
Where I'll follow you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow found
you and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I Somehow find
You and I collide

Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
you and I collide
howieday;collide.
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i walked home in a golden shower today and i wanted so much to take a picture because it was so pretty. the trees in my estate are flowering and they are so full of these pretty golden flowers that the flowers, which are only as big as my fingertip, float down like rain whenever the wind blows through. the ground was totally carpeted, and for a moment it felt like the yellow brick road (: oh, these words do so much injustice to that scene...
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I am so hooked on McFly's All About You. I blame the radio station which was playing it early yesterday morning. So I go to class, ask around and find out that most of the girls in class love the song too heh. But the song IS pretty sweet (: And I got it stuck in Xue Ai's head as well heh.

That plus the fact I had another of those too perfect to be true dreams again.

I like feeling loved (:

And even if dreams are just going to evanesce into thin air, I'll be glad in the fact that I even had such a sweet dream.

Haha. I'm rambling already.
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I had a funny dream this morning(I slept at 230) and it was so real I actually had a bit of difficulty convincing myself it didn't happen at all while I was brushing my teeth. It's quite funny now that I think of it but it's really quite a sad dream involving death, persecution and a thunderstorm. Ha. How dramatic.

Starts with me going to school and pc brought his big dog Max to school so all throughout the day I was playing with the dog. Somehow school seemed more like a shopping mall where the floors overlook the main square down below. Imagine ps, with its glass parapet on every floor. Right, then, I was walking towards one of them on the 4th or 5th floor because I wanted to look down and check out something. So I told Max who was following behind to sit down. But as I walked forwards, Max runs up from behind me and jumps right over the glass parapet and down to his death.

I even see his head smash open and the pool of blood spreading out from under him.

I guess I was too shocked and numb to actually say anything but suddenly everyone thinks I made Max jump off. So as I make my way home on the public transport, people are calling me the dog killer and all. And here I am, hurting so much inside because Max is my friend. And then the funniest thing is, I had to go for pc tuition that same night. And I was so glad I had to change buses because of all the accusatory glares and whisperings behind my back. How Vernon God Little-like. Heh.

Well anyway, the bus I was supposed to take took forever so I hitched a ride from this nice family who seemed to be going the right way but they ended up going to these condo units and I had no idea where I was in relation to pc's house so I borrowed their street directory and tried searching for the address. But no matter how hard I looked, how many times I double-checked, I just couldn't find it. And then it had to start pouring so I was there in the cold, panicking over the useless street directory and the hours ticked on by. In the end it was too late to go for any tuition at all and I was stuck in the middle of nowhere in the rain.

And that's where my dream ended.
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wah piang eh joel...now then you say. i thought you got too busy to read la! ):
but no worries man, i switched back to commenting so now you can say all you like heh. we gotta meet up soon man haha...let's go for venezia! we'll treat you! haha.
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New beginnings, remembered memories, fading wounds. It's time to step out the shackles fear and doubt have imprisoned by.

I had a really nice day today. I had a very good lunch with my mom, something I haven't done in ages. I rewrapped my file and changed the front design. I rewatched 2 episodes of Golden Bowl(takeshi kaneshiro heh). I changed my layout here. I'm writing something uplifting in a long time. I got some work done today. I wished someone a happy birthday. I'm listening to a CD which I'd forgotten how good it was.

In short, I did things which brought me joy. Something that hasn't happened in a long time.

Sometimes I wish Wei Lynn wasn't so far away. We'd comiserate together and somehow remember how good the days in mg were and then the shit we'd be facing in our own lives would diminish and somehow, for a little while, we'd be back in those halcyon days again.

Out of all my mg friends Wei Lynn's the only one I really fear losing contact with because it's just so hard to keep in touch with her.

So Tongster, this one's for you.
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He who bends to himself a joy
Doth the winged life destroy;
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in Eternity's sunrise.
--eternity; williamblake.

i'm writing because i don't want to see something depressive everytime i look on this page.
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i'm feeling quite down now. and nothing seems to be going right. i see myself trying desperately, hoping that God's gonna give me sunshine and rainbows but i can't deceive myself any longer.

i'm smack in the middle of a damned storm.

and i know it's a test but thing is, i'm scared as hell it's never gonna end or that i'm gonna flunk out because i don't know how long more i can take.

and i know that He'll never push me over my limits. but right now i'm feeling awfully near to the edge already.
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i've been dreaming a lot the past week. they say that's good. some i remembered very clearly. the others vanished once i started brushing my teeth and trying to recall what they were about. but they were all good dreams. all about normal, everyday events. mirrors my so-far-pretty-ok life.

but actually i know inside the jericho walls are crumbling, the light is fading and the way is dark. and the only thing that leads me on is a whisper of faith.

+++

i think i shouldn't be complaining. and sometimes i think i dramatize my negativity too much. what right do i have, when what i go through is nothing compared to what others struggle with? Death, illness, heartbreak, disappointments. i'm blessed. dammit why can't i just be happy with that? time and time again i fall for these grand illusions of a better tomorrow. why can't i see that today is so fine already?

it's true. it really is. one should never hope, for with hope comes disappointment.

so come tomorrow. come the day after. i will face each day being thankful for the one that has passed. i will be grateful for the new day. i will see the blessings in it instead of remembering the doubts and the fears. i will see the here and now instead of the suspended castles of tomorrow. the castles will crumble and crush my heart and hopes. no more. i'm letting go, for my hands will only construct elaborate labryrinths amidst the castles in the air. it's long overdue that i gave up this work to a higher skilled Creator.
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