well here's something amusing because it's the only amusing thing in this entry.

because i'm gutless and i just can't bring myself to say it to you straight.
i understand your concern and you're just being the best friend you can be to me. but i'm sorry that you suffocate me.
your involvement in my life is getting bigger and i'm sorry, but i already have older and better friends who i'd like to have in my life more than you. it's not that i don't appreciate your friendship, it's just that i could do with a lot less of your attention. i hope this changes nothing between us but please, give me some space.

i've been busy being busy ): the bubble has burst. the morning is a long way ahead.

+++

i finished vernon god little. and i guess it was a pretty good book. nice style, pretty good story, but way too much swearing for me. it was so -.- in the last 2 acts where mr little learnt to stop cussing. what the hell man, after making me go through 3 acts of non-stop cussing.

i guess i did enjoy it in a twisted way :/ but reading it right after i finished lord of the flies just reinforced how twisted and depraved humankind is. ohwell.
[x]

Reading Vernon God Little is going to be so bad for my vocabuary -___- I've been reading so many "fucken ___" that I'm already starting to mentally skip over. And I'm only at Chapter 6. Almost every paragraph has it. Funny how it was only Dennis who used to use "fucken" and I always thought he was trying to be unique heh. Oh well. This is exactly why I don't quite like modern literature. It's usually gritty and inclusive of a graphic and highly descriptive scene of a sexual nature. Within the first 5 chapters, there's already been one and I anticipate more -.- But well, Mr DBC Pierre has won the Man Booker Prize, so I guess if I finish reading the book(hopefully before Tuesday so that I won't have to owe the National Library Board money), I might have something interesting to write about his piece.

I watched Jakob the Liar on Friday night. It was a good movie (: They should make more films like this.

Ok I have more important stuff to do now.
[x]

I guess I'm on the path to sorting out my life. Just another priorities realignment exercise and I'm feeling a lot less troubled now.

And to make it all a lot more tangible, I had the irresistable urge to go cut my hair. Haha. It's kind of symbolic of the end of this stumbling around in darkness. So now I've got a new hairstyle and I'm feeling much cooler in the sweltering weather we've been having. Heh.

I will now start doing something productive instead of wasting my time here.

+++

In a bar in a remote village in Spain, close to the city of Olite, there is a sign placed there by the owner. "Just as I succeeded in finding all the answers, all the questions changed." The master says: "We are always concerned with finding answers. We feel that answers are important to understand what life means.
"It is more important to live fully, and allow time to reveal to us the secrets of our existence. If we are too concerned with making sense of life, we prevent nature from acting, and we become unable to read God's signs."

The master says: "It avails you nothing to seek explanations about God. You can listen to beautiful words, but they are basically empty. Just as you can read an entire encyclopedia about love without knowing how to love. "No one will ever prove that God exists. Certain things in life simply have to be experienced -- and never explained. "Love is such a thing. God -- who is love -- is also such a thing. Faith is a childhood experience, in that magical sense that Jesus taught us: 'Children are the kingdom of God.'
"God will never enter your head. The door that He uses is your heart."
--maktub;paulocoelho
[x]

Lately, I feel like I'm drifting away from God :/ And things in school haven't exactly been going very well(I'll talk about it another day). Plus I am so tired that I hardly have time to pray a decent prayer without falling asleep halfway. I haven't been doing QT and sometimes I feel so close to turning completely away from God.

And it scares me.

I guess it's good that I'm feeling scared because at least, it shows that my relationship with God is very important to me. (This sentence sounds so duh when I read it again /frown)

But I am so sick of my inconsistencies and failings. Why does my spiritual walk always seem to be a sine curve? And it gets worse because somehow I always feel so responsible for my own plight that I can't seem to put aside my failings and really concentrate on God ):

I've been listening to these two songs by Casting Crowns and looking at the lyrics, I should be more than comforted knowing that God loves me but somehow, the message doesn't seem to really sink in. I think I need someone to actually talk some sense into me ):

Well now that it's almost Good Friday, I hope I'll get past this rut and start making the sine curve something less worrying.

+++

Voice of Truth
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Who am I
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You're


I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours
[x]

Indeed.

To Xi Wern: Sorry for making a fuss about the water on my paper. I could have been a little more forgiving ):

To KiethTan(misspelt to avoid search): THANKS ar, for confirming for me that I am never going to make it as a mathematician.

Well I guess school today was fine. I was thinking about it during Chem prac where Boris and Marco nearly burnt the lab down(ok la, exaggeration) and Boris broke a bottle of sodium hydroxide. And it felt like another of those photo perfect days (: Minor blips and all. May tomorrow be as good or even better (:
[x]

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
--e.e. cummings

'Is wanting to be different a serious illness?'
'It is if you force yourself to be the same as everyone else: it causes neuroses, pschoses and paranoia. It's a distortion of nature, it goes against God's laws, for in all the world's woods and forests, He did not create a single leaf the same as another. But you think it's mad to be different and that's why you chose to live in Villete, because everyone is different here, and so you appear to be the same as everyone else. Do you understand?'
Mari nodded.
'People go against nature because they lack the courage to be different, and then the organism starts to produce Vitriol, or Bitterness as this poison is more commonly known.'
--paulo coelho; veronika decides to die

I've said this before but I'll say it again - it's awfully ironic how one learns more about Life through an awareness of Death. And similarly, it's strange how sane the mad really are.
[x]

On U2 and philosophy.
From here.
'Vertigo' shows how vitally a person needs to love and be loved in order to find happiness," Wrathall said. "Loving someone helps you to see the world differently. It lets you understand that the real joys of life don't have to be deferred or put off for the next life. The love you feel for someone else can fulfill your greatest spiritual longings while also satisfying your passionate desires."


Gee, my impression of Vertigo is nothing like what he said. Heh. In fact, how in blue hell does Vertigo actually show how "loving someone helps you see the world differently"?!
[x]

My last day of helping out in the Science Centre today and I think I've had a very memorable week (: I realised that a lot of the Science Centre employees don't like kids and young students much. Heh, can't really blame them. Sometimes they're real monsters. With the younger kids, they NEVER listen and they can really climb on top of you. Alone, they're manageable but when they come in swarms, oh mama, they are unstoppable!! Thank goodness I didn't really come close to screaming at them but my worst experience with kids was probably on Monday where a whole swarm of them descended on the station mr mu and I were at. And I'm slightly claustrophobic so oh man, when they started swarming around us I was getting quite agitated already. Lucky they had a pretty strict teacher around so it didn't get too out of hand.

With the students, I think so far I've gotten pretty ok secondary students. They're pretty responsive and it's quite amusing to see the stereotypes(the mats and minahs, the ah lians, the nerdy ones and the bootlickers). But I've heard they can be quite a nightmare if they don't cooperate, don't make any attempt to engage in the lesson etc. But I guess if I'm there long enough, I'll see these monsters in action and really start dreading the arrival of people aged 5-15.

Oh and the science centre employees are really funky people! I wouldn't mind working there man. Looks like a pretty cool job (: When I'm looking for a job, I'd definitely consider working there.

[edit]I forgot to mention that on Tuesday, during the microscopy lab session, I witnessed Cytoplasmic streaming in motion =D I know this sounds damn geeky but it was REALLY fascinating seeing the chloroplasts going round and round in the cell. And I caught a glimpse of phloem sieve tubes as well! Oh and before I forget as well, much thanks to Pramit and Xi Wern who waited with me after tuition last night. Really appreciated it loads (:
[x]

Helped out today in the DNA Lab instead of explaining exhibits. But now that I've helped out in the lab all day, I'd much rather go back to explaining exhibits because at least when you explain exhibits, the nice Science centre employees(they call them Science Communicators -.-) will make an effort to let you do something new all the time. And helping out in the lab is boring because you don't do much and whatever they teach to the secondary kids you already know.

But while stoning around in the lab during the lessons, I realised two things.
1) Teaching is not for me and
2) If I ever become a research scientist, I will never go into transgenic organisms.

Basically(I've been using this word a lot these few days :/), in the morning lab session, the students were supposed to make recombinant bacteria by inserting the green fluorescence gene into some E.Coli. The school was from Woodlands(I think I better not name the school, I just hope there's like more than 1 secondary school from Woodlands haha) and the students were generally well-behaved except that they're in sec4 and I honestly don't see any of them managing to make it to JC. I'm being honest ok! But I suppose a few(like maybe one?) might actually make it to say, Innova or something heh. See, this is why I'll never be able to be a good teacher - I'd probably only teach the good students who're willing to learn and just be biased against those who don't seem particularly interested in school. But I guess if I were being paid by the hour(i.e. being a tuition teacher), I'd be a whole lot more forgiving heh. But I can still see myself turning down parents if their kids are like blocks of stone. Haha...OH man, I am so mean.

Ok anyway, while the instructor was talking to them and showing them video clips of how scientists were using the technology to create transgenic animals like cows to manufacture products of human interest like insulin and human proteins etc., I was checking out the two transgenic African Clawed Frogs in the small tank behind. These two can actually glow because they have the green fluorescent gene in them as well. And it just struck me how sick and wrong this technology is. The frogs were white coloured and I guessed from the accompanying poster that they were naturally dark coloured. And the poster actually showed how if the gene was only expressed in certain tissues which were of interest to the scientists(i.e. the fluorescence is being used as a genetic marker), then only certain parts of the poor frog would glow and there on the poster were photos of tadpoles with glowing tails, glowing brains and glowing eyes. It just disgusted me. I think it's not right, no matter how beneficial the research is, to manipulate another living creature, turn it into a Frankenstein and deny it a comfortable life. So there, my two cents worth on transgenic organisms.

Hey Joel, actually the lava lamp is damn cheapskate la haha.
1) Fill a bottle one quarter full with water and put in food colouring. Can be any colour except yellow.
2) Pour cooking oil on top of the coloured layer until it's nearly full. Leave a gap at the top and remember not to cap the bottle tightly later.
3) You need tablets of either Redoxon or Alka Seltzer. I think Redoxon not so good, the coloured layer will change flavour colour. So long as it fizzes and effervesces in water. Break them up and put a fragment into the water.
4) The coloured water will fizz up and globules of coloured water will float up through the oil layer, reach the top, and then float back down. Basically, this IS your lava lamp. Damn cheapo man heh.
[x]

I think what's most important in this life is to actually live it with passion. To actually want to live for, fight for and die for something. Which is why I guess examples of such zeal mean a lot to me and give me some inspiration. I could write more than just the above two sentences but it wouldn't quite do justice to the way I feel so I'll just leave it at that.
[x]

This was so inspiring, I'm typing this out right after I read it off today's New Paper.

pg 56,57 The Beautiful Game in black and white.
Said by a Newcastle United fan:
"There is only one club in this city. We stick by our team no matter what. This is our football tradition.
There is still the FA Cup to win this season. And we are still in the Uefa Cup competition.
The League title? We will win it eventually."

Hope springs eternal in Geordie land. It's written in the faces of the Toon Army.
And there's no need to put that down in black and white.

I've gotta thank Wei Lynn for making me a Magpies fan man (:
[x]

):
I gotta shelve my ipod plans indefinitely because my sister just got herself a shuffle and we realised that we can hardly transfer anything because we do not have usb2.0. T_T
I am so tempted to like reformat my two coms and drag them off to the com store for a complete overhaul. GhaRRRrr...

Well besides this unfortunate discovery, I just spent my whole day in the Science Centre doing CIP today. And tomorrow's gonna be another long day and Tuesday and Thursday will be even longerrr days. ): But it's pretty rewarding when people get what I explain and figure out how the exhibits work. (: There's this particular exhibit which like 90% of people can't visualise it but there was this group of indian kids who got it as soon as mr mu and I explained it :D But they were like the only ones who managed to get it :/ And if it isn't obvious enough, we were explaining the exhibits in the optical illusions section. Pretty cool stuff I must say, but when you've been repeating for the umpteenth time how moving a mirror back and forth will cause a vertical LED strip to form an image of 2 giraffes, it just gets rather annoying.

Oh but I guess it's kinda cool finding out you can make your own lava lamp with coloured water, cooking oil and alka seltzer tablets($7 for 20 tablets, expensive stuff). Haha. Geez, I think I'm getting geekier and geekier :/ Well I hope I have more amusing things to share tomorrow.
[x]

es·o·ter·ic
adj.

Intended for or understood by only a particular group: an esoteric cult. See Synonyms at mysterious.
Of or relating to that which is known by a restricted number of people.

Confined to a small group: esoteric interests.
Not publicly disclosed; confidential.

I like to think my interests are esoteric. In fact, I'd like to think that they reflect me. I guess it's cynical of me to expect few or no one to understand me. But sometimes I can't help but get a little resentful when people think they understand me or know me well. But that's only sometimes when I can't stand it that they might actually know me better than I know myself. More often than not, I can't stand it when I realise people who I don't expect to relate with, actually know of and appreciate some of my esoteric interests. But I realise that good things ought to be shared and I should stop having such a selfish attitude.

I think this need to be special, abstruse and cryptic stems from a desire to be extraordinary. I think inside, we all crave for the attention. I mean it's great and all that God has made us all special in our own individual way but sometimes the affirmation from your fellow man just makes it a lot easier to grasp and internalize.

Similarly, I think we chase after other abstract things like love for the same reasons. We already know we have the most perfect level of these things in Christ but somehow, getting it from another human being gives it a sense of reality and substance. And even though it'll only be a cheap imitation of what God can give, we still hunger for these flawed substitutes. To be cliched, I guess it's only human to do so but I think what's most important is that we realise that ultimately what matters most is that we are already loved; that we are already special.

Then comes the million-dollar question: how do I apply this knowledge?

That's why I find it rather frustrating that I actually bother thinking so much about issues like these. Because I have no idea what to do with all these things I've pondered about. So what if I know that God-given love is perfect and above anything my fellow human beings can give? I still hunger for affirmation, I still don't know what's the right thing I ought to be doing instead. So what if I can come up with explanations of things, when I can't for the life of me, figure out how this would translate into practical terms? Sometimes, ignorance does seem an awful lot more blissful than consciousness.

+++++++

Watched Hitch today and it was pretty good but only worth $6.50 because all the good bits were already in the trailer. OH and I think I saw Keagan Kang at my lift lobby heh.
[x]

It's been a while since I've written something happy or remotely carefree eh? Well before anyone starts worrying about my mental state, may I say that I'm happy and there's really nothing bugging me currently. Which kind of explains the dearth of blog entries because I have nothing to complain about, and school being the usual, I have nothing much to muse about either.

This week's been really nice. The general mood is lackadaisical, everyone's pretty much waiting for the hols and lessons are taking place in a relaxed kind of atmosphere. I mean like with one-sixth of the class hooked on Q*bert, and no motivation to be really doing tutorials during tutorial time, you can't help but slow down and shift to slack mode. But I like this kind of pace. I'm still doing my work during the weekends, I'm pencilling in all sorts of geeky events in my schedule book and I'm actually feeling like school is being fulfilling, like I'm not spending half my days in vain (: I hope this kind of mood continues in term 2 but I guess it's not really possible because sooner or later when the slackers realise that it's time to get down to serious work, the mood just turns around and the stress will be back :/ But I think these are the kind of days I'll look back and fondly recall. The days we'd spend trash talking during free periods, the days we do everything BUT pay attention during class; I think these are the days which would be perfect in photos, in memories.

But there is one small thing I really miss - hockey. It's been so long since I've stepped on a pitch and I really miss playing. I wonder when I'll ever play again :/ I doubt it'll be anytime soon but when the season comes around next month, I'll be sure to go down for every match I can make it for. And I think with sports, there's always an inertia to make an effort to re-pursue it after a long break. Oh well, we'll see what happens in the future. I doubt there'll ever be any free time from now on to actually pursue hockey for fun. There's just too much pencilled in my calendar already.

Now that I've gotten all the tests cleared and out of the way, I think my mood has improved quite a lot. I probably failed the Math S selection test by a large margin but this time I really tried my best. Hmm, how come I find it so hard to see that I've done my best with all my usual subjects? But if I really had to drop it, I'd still stick with Chem S. I think 6 distinctions isn't that unattainable a dream. Looking back at last year's resolution to be a 7 distinctions student now seems so naive haha. Seven is definitely insanely out of my reach, at least with my current standard.

I haven't had anything to read these few days and I feel intellectually empty already haha. I borrowed The Coral Island today, hopefully I'll be able to return it to Wei Liang before the hols. There's a whole list of books I want to read but I'll have to borrow them all. I think they should start reducing the price of books. They're way too expensive to collect nowadays, and to think that people in the past had their own private libraries!

Well I've pretty much run out of things to say. Leave a comment please, I'm feeling rather unread these days ):
[x]

Things I worry about.
-my future
-tomorrow's math s selection test
-my parents
-my sister
-kris
-my grades
-everything i'm interested in being "highly competitive"
-my procrastination
-my capabilities
-me not liking God's plan
-being fallible
-letting people down
-letting myself down
-the rest of my terms grades
-my friend telling me I'm now "hard to read" now
-being doomed to a life of mediocrity

BUT, no worries can ever be bigger than God and though it may seem awfully crapped up how everything seems to be going the way they shouldn't be, I am going to walk through this all, knowing that everything is in His plan, within his purpose.
[x]

I'm falling in love with E.E. Cummings. Maybe I'll grow out of this phase but for now, his writing strikes a chord within me. I read his work before and it didn't really appeal because syntax does not apply to him. Which means he does not obey the normal laws which govern the language, resulting in "highly idiosyncratic" expression. But I think I've learnt to appreciate the style now and it makes his words just cut deeper because they're his. Totally unique to him.

I want to write.

Actually there's so much I want to do. One lifetime seems hardly enough. And there's already so much I ought to be doing. Twenty-four hours are definitely not enough. Maybe I should just stop wasting time, something I've become terribly good at :/
[x]

"So call the field to rest; and let's away,
To part the glories of this happy day."
--juliuscaesar;williamshakespeare

I'm a little pressed for time so I think I'll type in note form. A level results finally out today and for me, all my exams are finally overrrrr. Watched the results being announced in the hall and just like last year, I feel inspired all over again to be one of the first few to go up on stage to collect my results (: But looking at my term results, hmmm...I've got to work harder. But I should really examine why I want to get more than 6 distinctions. It's not for the recognition, the applause... I think it's some sort of affirmation for me, of my abilities. Of course, I know it's all in God's hands but I know He's given me a good mind and I intend to use it fully, push myself as far as I can go. After all, you reap what you sow and if you've been given good seeds, it's only right that you sow them all.

Hmm I wanted to say something else but I can't remember what it was I wanted to say. Oh I think I wanted to mention that ac did pretty well this year (: Top 5 if I didn't hear wrongly (: But oh, the pressure's getting immensely huge on our year to keep the trend of upping the results. But by God's grace I'm sure we will; after all, The best is yet to be.

Oh yeah, tagboard's down and I'm too lazy to enable comments so if you got something to say, I'm online most of the time at night.
[x]

Today after recess, I was telling Xue Ai and Pramit how I'd make a bad policy maker because I believed in elitism. And in the lift up, I was saying equality was bad because without hierarchy, there's no order. Haha. I think I was rambling but I feel it's true. I really think that equality for all is just a big joke cooked up by those higher up on the ladder to keep the proles satiated and happy. But of course, I should stop thinking I'm high enough to look down and laugh because really, I might just only be a rung above. It's hard though because it seems to be such an ingrained mentality in me that certain people just aren't worthy enough to be saved, helped, and dare I say, maintained on this planet. Damn, i amaze myself sometimes.

To be honest, I've always thought I was meant for greater things but of course, I've learnt that greater things may not be 'great' in the world sense where greatness is measured by your achievements and the accolades you get. But mindsets are hard to change and I guess my inclination to elitism is rooted in this. So that's one thing I've got to start learning to change.

Got back another 2 papers and I've fallen short of my target but I will not whine because I've done enough of that and I know these are the grades that I deserve. I'd still feel much better if I'd done better though :/ Who wouldn't? Funny how after I find out I might have some difficulty retaining my S papers, I get sent off to attend a talk on preparing our portfolios because my dear form tutor thinks I've got scholarship potential :/ Do I really?

Hmm... I've got to start listing down all the possible career paths I'm interested in though. It's about time I got serious about this already, I can't just decide everything based on whims and fancies.

I think now that the end of the first term is nigh, suddenly it hits you that you've survived almost 10 weeks of school. I feel so tired these days and I've already dropped hockey :/ I really want to have a nice break but I doubt I'll be able to, with work, reading to catch up on, cip, etc. I just hope I don't burn out before the year ends :/
[x]

Well I apologise if you did manage to read yesterday's angry rant. I'm over it and I think I'm being forced to get myself out of the depressive phase because there's just no time to wallow in self-pity and feel like crap inside when I need to get my act together and get things done. So moving on...

I basically have nothing to write about. Well I could write about Terms but I've only gotten back 1 paper so there really isn't anything I can say. I really hope I meet my own expectations - it's quite important to me that I do. I think I'll be getting an ipod mini regardless of whether I do well because they just announced a slash in price which kinda makes now the best time to get one heh. Oh well, I'll just save the words for another day and do something else more constructive instead of trying to figure out how to put the feeling of blankness down in words.

OH yes, may I add I love the new Mercedes Benz ad (:
[x]