Interesting discovery of the week:
What the dummy text used by typesetters(Lorem ipsum dolor sit amel...) means.

The standard passage:
"Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum."

Translation available here.

Go read the translation. It's by Cicero and the passage is basically discussing pain. Sounds greek(bad pun unintended) but it's actually quite common-sensical.
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This week, I've found two things I thought I'd lost. One's rather trivial, but the other means quite a lot to me even though it's something intangible.

I like this feeling. It makes you treasure the things you have been blessed with more. But sometimes, there are things which will be taken away no matter how much you've cherished them and when the time comes, I think I'd still feel as if I haven't cherished and treasured those things nearly enough.

But that's because we're only human and incapable of loving fully and completely. I read an excerpt from Mister God, This is Anna. It pretty much sums up what I'm trying to say.

'You see, Fynn, Mister God is different from us because he can finish things and we can't. I can't finish loving you because I shall be dead millions of years before I can finish, but Mister God can finish loving you, and so its not the same kind of love, is it?'

+

I feel quite bad for snapping at Ben today. He was getting on my nerves but I think I shouldn't have snapped at him. I need to learn how to give people a heads up before I bite their heads off.
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It's odd that I've got the time to write something on a Tuesday night now haha. School's been so time-consuming that I hardly have any time to do slack things like blog on weeknights. But I'm quite sure I don't have to be doing anything right now, so I guess I'll take this time to note down some things I've observed which are bothering me. (Why am I justifying my writing a post?!)

Well, I hate this problem but it's back. Or it's coming back. /frown I love how comfortable it feels around him. And it's so uncomplicated and the time I spend around him is always fun. And I know how scary it'll be if I let this spiral out of control, I'd be obsessively trying to centre all my time around him. And I thought I'd finally sorted it out, realising how silly and futile this crush was. But I'm afraid the feeling is creeping back into my heart. And the worst thing: I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore. And I know Pramit will just tell me not to fight the feeling but thing is, I don't even know what is the feeling. I want to concentrate on being friends but I'm afraid that it'll lead me to want to be more than just friends.

So what is love? Or how do you know you've fallen for someone? Just because he lights up your entire day just by being in it? Because of how much you want to spend all your time around/with him? Because what he says impacts you more than what others say? Or is it the way you feel around him?

But isn't love supposed to be something deeper and more profound than these? Or does love grow out of mutual attraction based on the superficial and trivial things like the above?

I know so little of my own heart ):

Maybe I'm just thinking too much. After all, everything's going to work out fine.
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Good morning boys and girls.
It's now 5.26pm but today, I'm going to tell you about my extraordinary morning.
Well it started at 6.15am. The same ungodly hour I wake up at every weekday morning. But it's all cool man, because we played a good game today against the ex-crescentians. So we didn't score, but at least we did much better than all our previous games. And we came close so maybe, hopefully, we'll be able to start banging in goals from the next game on. /grin

Kinda sucks that I didn't get to go to church today though. I would've cabbed down if not for my reluctant sister and my being cash-strapped. Went out instead to check out this Converse warehouse sale at some ulu spot in Paya Lebar and it was so friggin hot(long walk, no aircon -.-) and I was wearing my jeans. But I managed to get this nice purple(haha, so not my usual colour man) top for $5 so I guess my efforts were justified. Feel kinda bad for my sister though. She was hoping to get a pair of decent sneakers but they didn't have the colour she wanted.

Came home and read the papers and they were debating the casino issue again. And I got quite riled by this comment. It might have been quoted out of context but if this guy really said what he said, I think he ought to be shot.

Accountant Raymond Cheong, 25, did not believe that people should be made to sacrifice anything for their morals.
He said: "A belief can be based on many factors, be it moral values, ethics, family or even financial issues, but we should never put a dollar value to it. So why should we take a pay cut to uphold what we believe is right?"

Hello, Mr Accountant, if you won't even take a small pay cut to uphold your beliefs, why have any beliefs at all since you've already sold out? Beliefs are things you stand up for, regardless of whether they're popular, whether they're practical; they are things you sacrifice for. And if a pay cut can stop you from upholding your belief in what is right, you have no right to say you believe in something, because you only believe in the value of money.

I'm amazed he dared put his name to a statement like that. Doesn't he see how wrong that statement is?

Well anyway, some lame horoscope thing on pg8 of Lifesytle based on the personalities of average Americans caught my eye because all '87 kids are classed as slackers. Haha. Kinda unnerving how I saw 'Slacker' and realised straight away that my birth year was under it haha. And I feel like eating coffee buns now after I saw the comparison of the coffee buns from 6 bakeries on page 25. Haha. Just some Sunday thing I guess. Ok I've rested enough, time to hit the GP package. Have a great week!
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to know: 4 weeks to terms
to read: chronicles of narnia; mister god, this is anna; bleach 10 onwards
to remember: sji 20th jan. my juniors have redeemed themselves, but my mates have damned themselves -- but it was a good dunking, if only i'd seen it coming. russel wong and botero exhibits at the singapore art museum. i wish i had a better way of taking down the beauty around me. words just seem so inadequate sometimes.
to contemplate: the transience of life. death has come for one more, yet again. it doesn't concern me directly but it's disconcerting to hear of it once more.
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I think I'm blessed. Truly. I have never experienced Death first-hand. Neither have I experienced tragedy.

And I think nothing you read or hear about can ever really prepare you to understand the magnitude of the vacuum that hits you when Death comes for a loved one.

All that makes an impact is how tenuous time spent with the people you care for is.

I will remember that this week.
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Hello :)
Haha. I think I'll write this way today because paragraphs don't seem very appealing at the moment.
Well the second week of school has gone by nicely.
+>I've made up my mind about hockey. (I'm gonna play u21 and I've come to realise just how much I love hockey and the team)
+>My first S paper lessons weren't too bad. Math was ok, but it's going to take a lot of effort to really do well. Chem was fun, I think I love Chem all over again now :)
+>I had a very interesting conversation with a classmate on the music I listen to and it lasted 2 hours. But it's always interesting when I'm talking to him because he's quite an interesting character. Heh.
+>I finally went for Physics tuition. And even thuogh it's costing a bomb, I think the tutor's gonnna work miracles for my Physics grade. Haha. And it was fun hanging out with Slow. I hope she continues with the tuition after the first month :)
+>I've actually finished my homework except for the Math s tutorials which are so fricking hard, I think I'll just do them with Ben during recess or lunch on Monday. I think I can go read up on Bio later, after I finish watching this week's CSI.
+>I'm not flat broke :)
+>I will start weekly QT either tonight of tomorrow.
+>I'm being benched for tomorrow's match which is good because it means less stress. But I'm really looking forward to playing next week. The fixtures are crazy though. Sat afternoon then Sun morning.
+>SJI next Thursday! Time to see whether my juniors are really that hopeless. Heh. They better convince me otherwise I'll be one disappointed j2 man. Ha.
+>4 day week next week! 'Nuff said :)

Ok I'm off now. Have a great week people!
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I cringe as I read what I wrote in the last post because it was so terribly rushed. It wasn't even thought out. But I guess the one redeeming point of the last entry was its honesty because writing in a rush means you write without thinking of consequences, without thinking of phrasing it better. It means you write it as it is. But moving on...

So I gave what I wrote about last night a little more thought and I think I better quit hockey now. Before I even start playing for u21. If I'm quitting after u21, it's like I could have let someone who genuinely wants to get into the team have the experience instead. And I've come to the conclusion that I don't need u21 on my record because I've already got u18, plus I don't want to live out the rest of my academic year trying to make my record stand out.

To be honest, I'd hate to quit hockey. One, because I've been psyching myself to get into the team all of last year. Two, because I hate quitting things halfway. And three, I love playing.

:/

I'm just going to stop thinking about this issue. It just makes me stressed. I've got a new resolution which sums up how I'm going to go through this year -- Don't think. Which really means I'm not going to think about all the things happening in my life, I'm just going to go with the flow and trust God to lead me through it all.

Well, life's getting hectic. There's S papers, loads and loads of work and reading up, science council nonsense(actually I'm thankful I got a pretty slack position haha), tuition and extra school stuff. But I'm quite afraid of the days passing by so quickly. I kind of wish this year would never end :/

Right now, everything's just crashing down and it just overwhelms. I need to get started with my QT. I think it's going to make my life a whole lot easier to take in...Hmm...
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no time no time....i feel like the rabbit in alice in wonderland. and there's so much to do, but so little time. but i'm coping so you guys don't have to worrry. i think i might be being selfish by wanting to quit after u21 when i could give it up to someone who would make the team but won't be getting the chance to gain more experience. but heck it, i need it for my cca report. gee, i feel mean :/ ok there's more but i really gotta go off now. have fun people!
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I'm ok. Really. Got some of the negativity out of my system with a long hard cry session last night. I may be down in the deepest of pits but I guess I'm starting on my climb up. And I guess it could partly be due to hormonal imbalances, if you get what I mean...

But I really gotta thank my mates for making today a much better day. A day which doesn't leave me with the feeling I screwed up my life big time :) So yeah, much thanks to Pramit, and the 5 of you who I went out with today, even though you guys probably won't realise how much I appreciated your company today :) Pool and bowling was hell fun! Even though I sucked at both haha...And dinner with the trash talking was really quite therapeutic. And Jo as well, for sitting with me during the campfire; just talking about the stuff happening in our lives. I really missed doing that with you and Maggot.

And I've made up my mind. I'm quitting hockey after the u21 tournament. I asked for a sign and I've got it. I'm just not meant to make the team la haha. But oh well, I guess there's always someone else more deserving of that spot :)

Met our junior class today and damn, it's funny how we're all so disappointed with them. They're like not happening at all la! And they're from so many different schools :/ PLUS, there's only like 2 acsi guys and ONE mg girl. We're not very hopeful that sc2/05-06 is gonna rock ac man. But I guess they might prove us wrong. Probably have to give them some time...

Well, thanks for the offer Joel, I'm sure your offer of a shoulder still stands right haha. I'm ok, really. Thanks for the concern folks, you guys have no idea how much it means to me :)
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Go on, ask me how my day was.

The answer's so easy I can't believe it myself -- it went fine.

As fine as a sunny day, as right as rain.
Lessons were fine, recess and lunch rocked, gp was hilarious, we didn't get screwed over by OH during physics.
What more could I ask for?





But then why do I feel like it all fucked up now?
Seriously, I think all I need is a good talk with a good friend to give me some good advice on what to do with my life so that it gets all good again.

Please. Before I fall apart, burn out and implode.
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School sucks. I hate how the whole new cohort makes it seem so much more claustrophobic. It's like there's less air to go around now. And I hate how they're having the greatest fun of their lives while I'm stuck in class freaking out about being j2. It's only been 3 days of school and I'm about as stressed as I usually am about 4 weeks before an exam. Which means I'm going to fall apart soon. Seriously, if it weren't for my mates I think I would have just quit school to take private degree. If not for my mates, I think I would have given up entirely because we're all in the struggle together and that makes things a lot less crazy. But I haven't really been able to meet up with my buddies like jo(gotta match timetable with her soon), maggot, rou, xue ai(who're busy ogl-ing ):) and it's tearing me apart because I need them around :( They make my days brighter and the crap easier to get through :(

And then I am going to face this huge dilemma of dropping hockey for my studies because I am pretty sure I can't handle the demands of hanging on. Firstly, the season is so near to prelims. And secondly, if I take up S papers(which I will) I doubt I'll make it to the team anyway because of all the Thursday trainings I gotta miss. But until I have to make a definite decision, I'll hang on for as long as I can :/

I just feel miserable because it's like suddenly I don't know who to talk to outside of school. There's like no outlet for me to vent all my frustrations, except here, with words. But sometimes most times, school numbs my mind so much, the words elude me. I don't want to talk to people from school anymore because what we have in common is what makes me miserable. Which is why I want to make a clear distinction between my school weekdays and my free weekends. Because every time I see people from school, they just remind me of the struggle and it's like I can never escape from it :(

But I'm ok. Really I am. Just a little stressed by school starting and all :(

[edit]And I got some worrying news which just fucks up my day even more :(
Sometimes I just wish things wouldn't affect me so much. I want to be happy-go-lucky, I do. But sometimes the world isn't so forgiving.
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And so here we are, standing at the start of yet another new year and I guess I ought to really put down what I hope to accomplish with the next 365 days so that I won't be so clueless. With 2004 over and done with, hopefully, 2005 will be another memorable year which I can say has been truly lived when the next New Year comes along. So without further ado, these are the 5 things I hope to accomplish in 2005. (I halved the list because I don't want to be unrealistic.)

1. Walk closer to God. This means I promise that I will put my complete trust in Him no matter what He leads me through. I will not lose faith and I will try my best to be a light unto the world because no matter what crap comes my way, He will take me through it.

2. Work towards my dreams. I will not let myself get jaded. I will not let myself get shot down. And if I fall, bloody and bruised, I will not be broken. Because I will always take pride in the knowledge that I dared to dream. I will not look for the safe paths I can use to escape. I will wholeheartedly pursue, with the faith that it will always be a worthwhile experience.

3. Treat people with love and compassion. Which means I will try very very hard not to talk bad about people. I will also try to listen more and talk less crap. When asked to do things, I will do them cheerfully(more applicable to my parents haha) and I will help willingly if it is within my means.

4. Spend my time wisely. It's hard to live each day meaningfully when you're doing the same thing everday. So I guess by "Carpe Diem", that would mean seizing every opportunity and not letting a day go by with regrets. I guess that should be do-able. And this also means no more procrastination!

5. Not a resolution but these are the Things I hope will come to pass:
+getting into the team
+doing well for my As
+scoring a scholarship
+being able to do the things I really want to do like the volunteering stint overseas and maybe a holiday with my closest friends :)

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