shit.
i have serious doubts as to whether my grades are good enough now.
1) i deproved from my terms grades.
2) i failed to beat deborah.
3) i might not be able to clinch my 2 s papers.

i know i ought to be thankful because my grades are pretty acceptable and decent. but somehow i just feel damn frustrated that this is what i have achieved because i know i am capable of more. i might have done my best 4 weeks ago, but i realise i didn't let go of my standards and expectations. and so now, i've fallen short and it just makes me feel even worse.

actually, it's just one damned subject i wished i was doing better in.

chem.

because i love chem and i used to be good in it. but now, everything just seems to be going downhill. and i'm rather reluctant to get tuition because it's an additional burden on my mom and my parents shouldn't be responsible for my grades. i am.

so much for trying to convince others that grades don't matter much in life.

*pfft*
[x]

Whoa, I'm finally writing a sensitive post because deborah pissed me off BIG TIME today in school. Actually she didn't do anything la. Just that she didn't shut up. Dammit, I think I've never actually met someone who irritated me so much. NO ONE I've ever met has the power to make me feel angry just by the sheer sound of their voice. I think it must be her voice man. It's at some frequency, pitch or wavelength which just doesn't agree with me at all man. This is terrible!!! it's a real test of endurance for me and it's just her talking voice!!! ARGH. I can't believe I can't stand someone just because of their voice. But damn, you can't blame me if her voice is that irritating right!? And the worst thing is, she's so damned loud so I can't really shut it out. She's like static, but I'd much rather hear static man. At least static isn't some insincere comment aimed to gain attention. Urgh...okok, enough man. I need to get over this.
[x]

Coldplay - Shiver

I like the rainy season. Everything's just so melancholic and tragically beautiful. Tragic beauty. Now that's a phrase I think I love too much.

I love it how the air is always heavy with the expectation of rain. I love how the air becomes bitingly cold as the wind chases round you as you hurry to find shelter. I love it when the sky becomes a sheet of grey. Not the ominous dark grey heralding a thunderstorm. More like the kind of grey my text is written on.

I love it when the rain pours forth. The sound of rain falling drowns out everything else. It's like static. White noise. It fills up the silence with nothingness. I love how everything gets blurred out when you see the world through the falling rain and somehow, reality seems a little less cruel because the distinctions and lines which divide us all become a little less explicit.

I love it so much for the sadness it embodies. Maybe it's silly, to love something for being sad and depressing. But to me, it's one of the most beautiful things in this world.
[x]

I never know what to say in the beginning. It's always easier to continue from something else. When there's nothing to start with, it's like there's no foundation and anything you say just sounds stupid or out of place. But nonetheless, I shall try...

Well, most importantly, I think I should set out what I hope to achieve with this space. I want this to be somewhere I can stop alluding and implying and just mention the things/people on my mind. Oh dear, I hope it won't end up being a place where I just bitch about the things which piss me off. Haha...I gave up trying to figure out a way where I could be honest on dichromate yet not offend. And the constant need to try to hide, write watered down entries or just ignore the issues altogether, just because I had no more control over who saw what I wrote, made it damn frustrating for me because I need the honesty. I'd be cheating myself if I couldn't write what I wanted to in my own blog.

But I don't want this place to be filled only with entries where the content is too sensitive for mass-viewing. I want my blog to chronicle every aspect of my life, boring bits and all. See, that's the problem of having two blogs. How does one judge where which type of content fits into? Urgh...But I guess I'll figure out a way of sorting this out as I go along. Or maybe I'll just gradually stop writing in dichromate. I'm rather reluctant to do that though, I love that url to bits =/ Oh well, we'll see what happens...

And now as I struggle to end my first post, I realise that I don't have something intelligent to say. Shucks...
[x]