New Year's Thoughts

A person looking from the outside in might think we should really be looking forward to 2009. Just end 2008 and get on with it.

I'm not expecting to feel a whole lot different tomorrow, the first day of '09. I'm actually kind of weirded out by it. 2008 was all about Brooks. Conceived Jan 4th. Knew he was healthy and had boy parts May 8th. Born September 18th. Buried September 20th. It's sad to know the world is moving on without him. Another year is here. I think these thoughts play into my fear of people forgetting him. I've been pretty sad for several days in a row now and I think it's because of 2009 looming in the near future. I don't want a new year, I want 2008 back. And I want it to go differently. I know it's not possible, but that's what I want people.

We're driving to NC tonight for some more Christmas celebrations with my extended family. I'm thankful there wasn't any pressure to go out somewhere and scream "Happy New Year" at the stroke of midnight. D and I can hang out together and watch football. Act like it's not New Year's Eve. Sounds like a plan to me!

Merry Christmas

Today we celebrate Jesus' birth! Happy Birthday Jesus! We are so thankful you were born.

D and I had a great meeting with a wise man I work with on Tuesday. He shared his thoughts and heart with us showing a new perspective. One of the main points I took from our time together was life changing....

"I am overwhelmed by the suffering in the world but I'm more overwhelmed that God chooses to do anything about it." - Larry Crabb

Larry is a well-known Christian counselor who was having coffee with a fellow counselor when the man asked Larry if he was ever overwhelmed with all the suffering, hurt and pain in the world.

Isn't Larry's response amazing?

"I am overwhelmed by the suffering in the world but I'm more overwhelmed that God chooses to do anything about it."

We think God owes us a great life. Easy paid mortgages, healthy families, 2.5 kids and any other dreams one might have. Truth is, God owes us nothing, not one little tiny thing. God sent his son Jesus to save us from our sins. Who are we to ask for even one more thing? He purposefully sent his son to Earth to live for 33 years and then to die a most humiliating and painful death for US! UNBELIEVABLE!

Since becoming addicted to blogs and losing my son just one short week before I was supposed to meet him, I have become overwhelmed with all the hurt in the world several times. A question on the minds of many is "Why would God take our Brooks?" Another question we could ask..."Why is He so great to let me conceive a beautiful baby and experience the joy of having life inside?" Did He owe me even that? NO!

Anything more than leaving us naked on the side of the road is an amazing gift from God. This Christmas I'm focusing on how much God goes above and beyond. He's sent me a great family with a super hubby. He's provided a great house and a family to rent our other home in the nick of time. We have the means to pay our bills and even put some in savings. He's given us an amazing group of friends and surrounded us with those who know the true meaning of 'community.' He sent me His son. He sent me the ability to call Him 'Father.'

Thank you God for not leaving me naked on the side of the road. Thank you for all my many blessings. Thank you for your son Jesus.

"I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people." Luke 2:10
Merry Christmas=)

Dinner Party

After celebrating with Katie and her new cutie, Blake on Sunday afternoon, we saw them again on Sunday night. Denny and I hosted a dinner party with us, Katie and Jeff(along w/ 2 week old Blake and 2 year old Kate) and Jill and Hunter (along w/ 2 year old McKenzie). I decided it was time for us to have everyone over since they have been so good to us these past 3 months. I cooked a new lasagna recipe and salad, which turned out delicious! We all had a great time and have decided it needs to be done more frequently. It's Jill's turn next:)



I kept thinking how nice it would be to have our new cutie there too. I quickly realized I wouldn't even know Katie if Brooks hadn't left us so soon. Jill introduced us since Katie had lost her triplet girls last year. Both Jill and Katie have been wonderful friends. I am truly enjoying our friendships!

Saturday Night Outing

Saturday night we had our great friends, the Price's, over for appetizers....

Sara, Chris & Rilynn

Us with sweet Rilynn

Ashly & Denny by the tree

Sierra enjoying the company (or waiting to go out!)

and then we headed out to here...

Magical Night of Lights

The line was over 3 miles long to get in! We had a blast. Rilynn was able to get out of her carseat to get a better view of the lights and help Daddy drive....

Here's my favorite display-the true meaning of what Christmas is about

I think she had FUN!

Thanks for inviting us on this fun adventure! We love you guys=)

Just what I needed

It's almost Christmas, are all the blog readers ready? I'm getting close. I've been extremely unable to focus for the past 3 months(another post on that frustration later.) I realized yesterday there were only 5 days 'til we celebrate Jesus' birth and only 3 days till we travel so I'd better get with it! I made myself concentrate and I've been gettin' it done.

Anyways, I wanted to tell everyone about the amazing place I work, which also happens to be my church-North Point Community Church. Our Christmas service was held today and I must admit I was nervous and emotional going into it. You know my heart has been heavy and I didn't want the tribulation I'm in the midst of overshadowing what Christmas is all about. My intention was not to focus on me, but Jesus and the amazing birth that took place 2,008 years ago.

So it went like this, on the way there the pity party I was afraid of struck full force. Makeup and snot(eeww!) were everywhere and the tears had a hard time drying up. I composed myself and steered my thoughts above and had a great time exchanging ornaments with my fellow volunteers in the baby room. Emotions were again running on edge waiting for the service to start. I saw on the screen all the upcoming Christmas songs and didn't think I'd be able to sing. Well, if anyone has ever visited North Point, you know we do it up right!

It's hard to explain but I'll try. We have 2 auditoriums, the East and the West and they are back to back sharing a stage separated by a wall. The first song began with a drum player in the West(we were in the East) and then with a bang the East joined in! Both bands were playing the same song together and taking turns doing the beats! Can you picture it? It was absolutely powerful. How thrilled was I that it was upbeat and energetic!? God's presence in the auditorium was so strong I had no time to focus on myself and our recent sad story. It was just what I needed.

There were several more songs and a great video by Andy Stanley on the history of Jesus' birth and the man with whom Luke begins his story, Caesar Augustus. I will post the link once it's online. And I'll try to find a video of the music-you have to see it to get the goosebumps!

I can't believe I work at such a God loving place. Thank you God for an amazing blessing!

3 Months

Our sweet Brooks was born 3 months ago today. Today he should be 3 months old. Wow. On one hand it seems as though we lost our baby 3 days ago and on the other it's as if it was 3 years ago. I miss him terribly and the wound is still fresh. I wonder how long it takes for the stabbing pain in my heart to give way to an ache. Today my mind has been busy. Very busy. I've replayed events of 9/18/08 many times. Thoughts of sadness sit heavy today thinking of what could have been. Happy thoughts have also crept in, thinking of all the sweet memories I have with Brooks. We took him to the lake and to Hilton Head. We talked to him each day and prayed for him each night. I went on long walks with him, painted rooms with him and talked joyously with him about things to come. Sometimes if I try real hard I am able to picture Brooks fitting perfectly into our family. But usually that's not the case. Will I ever get to experience the joy of delivering a healthy baby that cries at birth and gets to come home with us? That dream feels too good to come true. I've never experienced that so I have trouble visualizing it.

Emotionally I am still riding that oh-so-fun roller coaster. Up and down. Up and down. Yesterday was not so good. I could be nothing but sad, only focusing on what my work Christmas party should have been like. Today, on the other hand I have a sense of peace and hope. It is such a gift from God. He is the only one able to put my mind and heart at ease. He is taking such good care of us and for that I am grateful. Grace is an amazing thing! I'd be lost without it.

We love you and miss you sweet Brooks!
Here are some pictures in honor of 3 months:



What big feet you have my dear! No wonder I had SEVERE rib pain-what a little stinker=)

Not exactly Jon & Kate Plus 8...

Since Brooks went straight to Heaven, Denny and I have been blown away by the strength of our support system. Fellow co-workers, friends and family have all been amazing. I have a few girlfriends in particular that have had separate but similar conversations with me. They seem to think that since we have not turned our backs on God, but have decided to cling to Him, that we are going to be blessed many times over. Shannon and Sara like to tell me several times a month..."you guys better watch out because the blessings are going to pour down." And they're not the only ones! Aren't they so great to surround us with words like these? I'm trying to believe what they say might come true. However, I still struggle and have my biggest fear of never having children here on this Earth. It appears that fear is coming true. Anyways, the point of this post is to tell you about our soon to come TV show.....according to CRAZY Sara! She's so confident that blessings are coming she has named our reality show...'Ashly and Denny with Many' Wouldn't that be fun?! Thanks to all our amazing friends who have supported, prayed and will continue to pray for us=)

Last Weekend

Denny and I had a nice weekend. His parents were here on their way home from Florida and we enjoyed our visit. Saturday we all went to Taco Mac with Sarah and Curtis to watch Florida whoop up on Alabama-whoo hoo!! Lots of good conversation and laughs were shared. I volunteered to take Shannon and Phil (you can see pics here!) a meal since Phil is out of commission for 6 months after having the most extensive knee surgery one can have. Denny rode across town with me to deliver the food and we had great conversation. We asked each other things like:
-"What quality do you like most about yourself?"
-"What quality do we like most about each other?"
-"What would we like to change about ourselves?"

I loved re-connecting with him and having meaningful conversation! It also gave us a chance to discuss the upcoming year, future pregnancies and trips we'd like to take in 2009.

I tried to venture on the question: "What would we change about each other." But D wouldn't let us go there....He's so smart!

Beware

If you have lost a baby anytime in the past 81 years or so, beware of the mall. I didn't think twice about it today when I needed a few gifts. This morning was going well....I got a lot of tasks accomplished at work and had a nice lunch with my team members. When I headed to the mall after work I was actually excited to do some shopping.

Things did not go as planned and it turned into a miserable night.

I accidentally passed by the area where adorable babies and children were climbing on Santa's lap dressed in their Christmas best and having pictures made. I have officially cried everywhere; work, home, church, my car, and now Hallmark and Walden Books. I was crying so hard at Hallmark, a random employee was compelled to give me a hug. I should have known, even their commercials make me cry!

All I wanted to do was find a nice ornament to have engraved for our tree to represent our beautiful Brooks. I wandered all over that mall and nothing seemed right. They were either too cheesy, too heavy, too expensive, or too ugly. I'm usually a fast decision maker. I know what I want and that's that. Not tonight.

Actually, I do know what I want. I want my baby here in our arms.

Then get this....when I decided I couldn't be in the mall any longer, I was lost! I had no idea where I parked. I thought and thought and remembered Macy's. Well, this Macy's is quite large. I had no idea what floor, what department or anything! I was such a mess. I actually went out one door and wandered around the parking lot(in the dark and pouring rain believe it or not!) pressing the alarm button on my key chain to locate the car! Finally realizing it wasn't anywhere remotely close I had to go back inside and try another door on another floor. Thankfully, the second try was good and I was able to escape the insanity. If you know me at all, I never act like this. I'm usually organized with a list in hand. And I have NEVER forgotten where I've parked. Who am I? Where's Ashly? If you see her, let her know I'm looking for her.

This week has been a little bit harder because Denny's on his first business trip since everything happened and I did not do a good job of making "dates" to be with friends. He called while I was in the mall to inform me the project is not going well and he may not be able to come home on Friday. Out come more tears in the middle of the bookstore along with lots of weird looks from fellow shoppers. I'm hoping he can at least come home for the weekend and just go back next week.

I'm off to the gym. That always helps me feel better. But remember peeps.....

Beware of the mall!

Sunday Drive

I took these pictures a few weekends ago on our drive home from Pigeon Forge. They are so beautiful, I wanted to share them. I remember being really quiet most of the way home. I was trying to take in the sites and I was blown away by God's great creation. The road (Hwy 441) that takes you straight through the Great Smoky Mountain National Park was closed due to snow and ice on our way there. However, it was open on the way home. I'm so thankful we decided to call the phone number "one last time" as we headed home and very excited the recording told me it was open! All I could think of during the drive around those windy roads was A) Wow, this is more gorgeous than I could have imagined, and B) Man, I wish Brooks was here so I could show it to him and tell him all about it. It was a great Sunday drive! Brooks sure did miss out! I know, I know, he's doing better than ever in Heaven praising our Father, but still.....Enjoy the pictures:










Psalm 104:24 How many are your works, O Lord! In wisdom you made them all; the earth is full of your creations.

Sad

I can't put my finger on exactly why, but this has been one of the hardest weeks so far. Yesterday was packed full of tears. They just wouldn't stop flowing. The only emotion I am feeling lately is deep sadness. I was thinking yesterday the only positive for the day was I did not put makeup on so there was no running mascara to clean up! Then my darling Denny came home with this festive:


and these beautiful:



He's thoughtful, isn't he? (Plus he was probably a little concerned about my mental state when I called him at 5:15 and he told me he wouldn't be leaving work for awhile and I burst into tears!-Doesn't he know he married a crazy lady?)

The goal for today is NO TEARS! I can do it!

This Stinks

I'm trying to enjoy the Christmas season, I really am. But the sadness has a strong hold on me. After a l-o-n-g discussion (to put it politely) with my sweet hubby over whether to purchase a real tree or a fake one, he agreed to buy a real one so I can enjoy the smell and keep with tradition. I'm thankful he let me have my way and the house already smells like Christmas, but as soon as we got it settled in the tree stand the sad feelings came on strong. I was trying to ignore them and focus on fun things, like pulling out my favorite decor, but my mind wasn't having it. There's supposed to be a cutie little boy here to share Christmas 2008 with, a baby's first Christmas ornament to place on the tree, a tiny 3rd stocking to hang from the mantel, a struggle to get the shopping done because of nap and feeding schedules and a photo Christmas card of our family of 3. But no, not this year-again. There are only 2 stockings hanging, only a remembrance ornament to purchase,the shopping will be a breeze since I can go whenever I want and our card will only show our family of 2. It's not supposed to be like this. There's only one way to put it-THIS STINKS

Wow!

Over 1,000 hits on this blog since I added the counter at the bottom only 5 short days ago! What are you doing people? Sitting around reading blogs all day?

HA! I know that's what I do. But ssshhh, don't tell anyone=)

Happy Happy Birthday

Today is our 4 legged baby girl's birthday! She is 3 years old!! Sierra has been the best dog. I know people say all the time, "I have the best dog" but when we say it, we mean it=) She has been an amazing daughter from day one. We picked out our baby girl in mid-April 2006 when she was 6 months old. We knew we had to go to Destin for a wedding the next weekend so we arranged to pick her up on Monday when we returned. Turns out, while we were in Destin we lost our 14 week old baby so we headed home early. I immediately called and the lady agreed we could get her early on Sunday. Denny and I knew she was special when her foster mom cried after walking her out to our car. Sierra has brought so much joy to our home. She knew when I was pregnant that something was going on. Whenever I was in the nursery folding clothes, painting or showing it to visitors she would put on her poutty face! She's so smart! While I was out on maternity leave, believe it or not Sierra was great source of comfort. We hung out together all day. When the tears would start to fall she would hop up and be by my side in a second. Sierra wasn't there for me to pet her, she just knew I was sad and wanted to be near her mommy=)

Sierra berra loves squeaky toys, bananas, play dates with Lily, going for walks, swimming(for hours on end) , rolling around on the beach, boat riding, and of course treats! I love this dog more than I probably should, but she has saved me from a deep depression more than once! Sierra's a rockstar!

Happy 3rd Birthday Baby Girl!