Elegy for ... morals?

Location: Office, London
Time: 11am Thu Morning
Feeling: unable to concentrate

I’ve had an interesting week. I would say character-building. I don’t think anything bad is going to come out of it. However, I’m not in a good place right now. The question is – is it preferable to feel pain or nothing at all. I used to be firmly in the ‘nothing at all’ category for a long time for various reasons.

Now I am less sure. It could be that I’ve had less curveballs thrown at me lately, allowing me to lead more or less carefree and zen existence. But I was starting to feel a bit dull.

In retrospect, I possibly could’ve started out a bit slower, but, as it seems, I’m more of a all-or-nothing type of person. Big plunge it was. The way I put it now makes it sound like it was a pre-mediated decision. At the end of the day, I cannot claim such a flair. It was just a sh$t load of alcohol and a lot of bad decisions, by both parties.

Work is now awkward on some days. I’m sure it will pass but I think some part of my brain will always wonder about possibilities. Is it always like this? I cannot remember anymore. It’s been a while. Funny how unattainability always somehow makes one’s mind deify the object of pondering.

I also feel no guilt. I do feel guilty about not feeling guilty though. I wonder if that is sufficiently redemptive… 

Location: Home, Kil&burn
Feeling: tired, lazy, unmotivated, but I do experience an odd urge to knit.
Reading: 59 seconds, Waldon, or life in the woods and his dark materials triology
Watched: 12 (Russian remake of 12 angry men by Mixalkov). Not bad.

Computer crashed and I lost what I wrote before. Sigh.
I think I need some kind of routine in life. I can't seem to make myself do ANYthing. Pathetic. Was supposed to go to the Russian embassy and try to get 'podtverzhdenie grazhdanstva' and then to going away drinks near school. Didn't make it to either. In fact, I haven't left the house today. And further, I don't know where the time went. I did have a shower though. I find it amazing how much maintenance activity women have to do. It is no wonder it's Cheryl Cole's full time job. I have got to find some more permanent solutions to these things. Otherwise I'm going to look totally festy once I go back to work.

Location: Home, Kil&Burn, London

Date: Sunday night. T-18 (days until starting work) 

Another lapse in writing. How embarrassing. It's not that I even have anything to show for it. Basically too much partying preventing periods of reflection. Lasting hangovers also inhibit thought processes and not to mention heavily facilitate laziness. 

Dis-O, Ibiza, Graduation, Summer Ball... Then more going out... 

Books: Just finished Heart of Darkness by Conrad. Not sure. I think I missed a lot of symbolism as I wasn't trying very hard. It was a little bit hardgoing. It would not have killed him to break paragraphs a little. Other than that - interesting. Not mind blowing though. Do tell me if I missed something... 

Also reading a book called 59 Seconds. I just came upon an interesting point that states writing is a lot more cathartic than talking about a problem. I suppose another reason I haven't been writing is that I don't actually have any problems at the moment (t'fu t'fu t'fu...). Aside from the usual existential crisis which shows no sign of abating. Common everyday problems will come soon enough once I start work. Eeeeeeeek.

It also suggests an exercise (a rather gay one, but nonetheless) of listing things I am grateful for. It is sufficiently intriguing for me to try.
Here goes the list of 5: My room and my bed (warm and comfortable), books, many books in my room, friends in London, health, understanding parents.
Hm. That wasn't easy, but actually you do end up feeling good. Hm.

Location: Home, Kil&Burn
Feeling: tired, productive

What updates... Hm. Exhausted due to another outbreak of allergies. And travel. It's good to be home. Spent the entire day pottering around the house - doing laundry, unpacking, buying groceries, dropping off dry cleaning, answering emails, descaling kettle.... Was supposed to be at the pub crawl for Dis-O but I fell asleep and woke up at 6pm. Much too late for pub crawling...
Speaking of descaling kettles: How to Descale kettle

Have finished reading Great Expectations for the first time. Unbelievable. What else have I been missing out on in the classics??? Have started on Wuthering Heights. Heathcliff sounds like my kind of person :)

Obsessed with this song: Society - Eddie Vedder

Too restless to be reflective. I don't think I can even commit to a non-trashy book tonight. I'm thinking Janet Evanovich. Heh.

Australia

Day: Monday, 14th June, 2010
Time: Australian time - who knows... Evening...
Location: My old study room, Armadale, Melbourne, Australia
Feeling: bored, restless

I have been trying a new strategy for capturing my random thoughts during the day so that I can write them down properly in the blog later when I have a chance. I got a little notebook where I scribbled things for approximately 4 days. That was back during the Portugal trip - two weeks ago? Maybe 3. I still haven't written those down properly. I have also not made any new additions to that little notebook. Of course, I am in Australia, back in parents' home. And therefore in stupor from over-sleeping, jetlag and mental seething from over-petting. So there aren't many thoughts crossing my mind right now. Aside from guilt. Still.

So... going back to my little notebook....

26th May:
I was wondering about my previous post - is it really justified misanthropy? I can't actually be sure. About the 'justified' part that is. I looked up 'misanthropy' and for once, wiki failed to provide the answer. Or sufficient detail. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misanthropy
Thus, I leave this theme for now.
Something Zoya posted (in her comment) got me thinking about how one channels non-attachment and feeling of absurdism/ impermanence positively. She seems to manage. Mine just goes straight to nihilism. I still have no answer. Tell me...

I was also reading 'The Periodic Table' by Primo Levi at this time. Great book. Refreshingly not full of optimistic, chirpy, enthusiastic characters to whom I cannot relate. It doesn't paint the qualities opposite to the previously mentioned as negative. Not that I care, but it's a nice change - Levi thinks it is possible to be 'nobly lazy' and being 'philosophically grumpy' is not a character flaw. Characters are not homogenous as they seem to  be in many novels these days...
Awesome quote: 'suspicious of every activity that set itself a goal'. :))

Justified Misanthropy

Location: Home - Kilburn
Feeling: narky and misanthropic

It all began this morning when I got woken up by the upstairs neighbour yelling. Around 8am. Probably at my flatmate. As most know, I am not at my best in the morning. I don't like to be woken up. In particular, I don't like to be woken up for no reason by other people because they feel it is within their right to make noise. (The noisy evil bully-prone heffer was upset about rubbish. It seems to be a big issue in our house. *Roll eyes*) It then quieted down until a car alarm went off. And continued on for hours. Who still makes alarms like that?? Needless to say I went through the day ranting about inconsiderate and 'nabytchennyx' people in my head throughout the day. Obviously being out and about in Kilburn/ Camden and on public transport does nothing to dispel such misanthropy. Hermit. That is my calling in life. I need to realise it soon.

Word of the day: Dolourous = showing sorrow, tearful, weeping

No Title

Location: Home in NW2 /London 

Feeling: slightly restless... 

After 2 solid days of doing absolutely NOTHING I am now ready to rejoin the world of action. Or at least the part of the world that gets out of bed in the morning... 

I really did mean to go to the gym today. But somehow it just didn't happen. It seems silly to travel 30mins each way to attend the gym and nothing else. Or potentially even longer if Jubilee line decides to not cooperate. Have decided to seek one that is closer. 

I also seem to be perpetually hungry today. Puzzling. 

It is also puzzling how throughout the day I have all these hypothetical blog posts that I compose in my head, however, they seem to evaporate as soon as I actually sit down in front of the laptop. 

I am multi-tasking...  Perhaps therein lies a cause... 

Sleep.... Where art thou

Highly unusual question for me. It does happen though.
I haven't actually tried to fall asleep for an inordinately long time. Yet, for someone who is usually asleep before the head hits the pillow, 30 minutes of rapid thought rather than slow drifting is out of the ordinary.
I don't know why I find my brain suddenly ignited by thought. Maybe it's the midnight hour. Maybe it's the book I just finished.
Speaking of the book I just finished... "It is not that I feel tremendously low; it's rather that the world around me appears high"... Maybe that is why I cannot sleep. Why is the world around me so high? What do they know that I do not? How do people go on with life untroubled by a sense of absurdity that plagues most of the activities we fill our time with? I am clearly missing the point. In fact, I am sure of it.

Die, 2YP, die....

Time: 9:30am
Location: TG, LBS, NW1 4SA
Feeling: strangely out of sorts...

I am at school... Still 2YP. It does cause me some pain. I have NO wish to present to trustees all day tomorrow.
But this kind of stuff is not particularly interesting to write about. In fact I think it causes me some PAIN to write about it... Thus, fast forward and pretend I have whinged and can now move on and feel better ...

Word of the day:
Vellicate: to twitch or cause to twitch; to pluck, nip, irritate, etc

In other news, I feel like I'm turning increasingly misanthropic with time. What is the cure? Hermitage?

Came across a brilliant sentence in a book: "Sexuality is a system of social hierarchy". Such gems are why I love Houellebecq... His position (in this book, anyway) is that there are two systems of hierarchy - side by side: economic and sexual, where money and looks are the respective currencies. Simple. Brilliant.

Word of the day

...is eristic = pertaining to controversy or disputation; controversial; of argument for the sole purpose of winning, regardless of the reason

my kind of word...

Date: 14 May, 2010
Location: Home, Kil&Burn, NW2 4SJ
Time: 1pm-ish
Feeling: hard to say actually. Slightly apprehensive. A little bit bored. Thoughtful.

Waiting for Michelle at home. She has finally landed and making her way here. From Essex. Hm.

In other news, had a fight with Vlad. So I don't think we are talking. This is probably not going to end well. Neither of us has a good history in terms of reconciling with people. It started of as a fairly minor thing but kind of blew out of proportion now. That's all I'm going to say about this for now.

In other news, I found a book that I absolutely relate to. It's called 'The Sleepyhead's Bedside Companion'. I can't believe such book exists. I feel vindicated! I am not the only one obsessed with sleep. There are others like me out there. Every page of this book is either articulating what is already in my head or I want imprinted there. I feel less guilt about my (previously thought unhealthy) preoccupation. I seriously think sleep is underrated in today's society which is obsessed with 'making the most' of each minute. Whatever THAT means. Hrumph.

What else. I finally feel comfortable enough to articulate what I have felt for a long time now. I HATE phones.  Landlines, mobile phones, smart phones, blackberries. Whatever. I hate them all. I don't like speaking on the phone. I feel like making phone calls is intrusive - what are the odds you are just sitting there and waiting for the phone to ring? Chances are you are somewhere out and phone ringing causes you to madly scramble through your handbag, finally finding the phone as the last ring dies. You then proceed to try to return the call - getting busy signal because the person is either trying you again or leaving a voicemail. You then call them back again, ignoring the voicemail and they proceed to repeat what they just left on your voicemail (which you will incidentally 'discover' again later and proceed to listen to it...). Or you are having a nap and the phone call may slightly disturb your slumber. Cause unpleasant dreams about work... Or you are talking to another person - with the phone ringing you will be forced to stop, answer the phone, talk to the person on the phone while the other person just sits there (chances are they'll whip out their phone and proceed to call other people). Okay - I'm cutting off my own rant here. I feel like some of the anger I feel may be mis-placed here... Also, I feel like I'm never going to get a phone call from my friends again if they read this. Uhhh. I don't ALWAYS hate it - it's just a general feeling I have about phones. They are evil. These days.

Weekend. Thank god.

Sunday, 11 April, 2010
Time: 2:33pm, early morning
Location: Kil&Burn
Feeling: disoriented

... Ooops. Had a nap and woke up at 5pm. Sh!T!

Time: 6:30pm
Feeling: Slightly recovered. Still exhausted. Still disoriented. Slightly stressed.

Word of the day: Amorphous: lacking definite form, having no specific shape, formless; of no particular kind or character, indeterminate, having no pattern or structure, unorganised

2YP. I have grown to hate you. And all other ships.

Superheroes

Wed, 7 April, 2010
Location: Home
Feeling: groggy from another 4 hour nap. Bliss :)

Today's class has provoked a serious contemplation of Pokemon's superpowers. What do they actually do?!? It was a key question that I spent much of class researching (iPhone). I was not able to come to a satisfactory conclusion. However, according to my neighbour in class, in a spoof cartoon called 'Drawn Together' (spoof superhero version of The Big Brother the Pokemon character, whenever disappointed, secretes a substance that the other superheroes are addicted to.

Eh right. So I just spent the two hours watching it on YouTube and thus no time to write anymore...

Life on Mars

Tuesday, 6 April 2010
Location: Home (NW2 4SJ)
Feeling: Sick. Was v tired due to 8:15 am class, but a 4 hour nap fixed that right up. Hm.

Accidentally deleted a paragraph I've written before. Not happy.

So yes - I continue to procrastinate as piles of reading on managing change, work on second year project and pages of unanswered emails await me.
It was a good day today. I got to wear my new winter coat which looks and feels like a tent. I feel cosy in a tent :) Also got to contemplate repercussions of discovery of extraterrestrial life in class. Whenever an MBA class results in such a contemplation, it is a good day.
So, in doubt about the likelihood of extraterrestrial life and needing to unearth the latest in the search for such, I turn to Wiki....
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extraterrestrial_life
So no aliens for now. Oh well.

Word of the day: (2 today!)
sentience: the ability to feel or perceive subjectively
sapience: wisdom /ability of organism or entity to act with appropriate judgement

Ran into a person in the street today that freaked me out and made me very uncomfortable (eeky) for no apparent reason. It took me a while but eventually I worked it out. It was because his facial features reminded me of Ross. Even mentioning his name produces the same feeling. Morbid curiosity forced me to look him up on facebook. Where he does indeed exist. I was relieved to see that we have no friends in common. *Phew*
I do hope Mischball, with the same morbid sense of curiosity and desire for trouble (which is MUCH stronger than my own) actually goes ahead and adds him. *Shudder*

It's interesting when the desire to clean and organise strikes. I haven't noticed a pattern as yet. I had a sizeable Spring Clean yesterday. I have even started an attempt to computerise my wardrobe... I am distracted by a question which increasingly bothers me... Why is there a ladybug infestation in our apartment??? Seriously?
I mean, it beats cockroaches, but it is still odd, no???

Monday, 5 April, 2010
Time: noon-ish
Location: Home at NW2 4SJ
Feeling: sick (literally - blocked nose, eyeballs ready to pop out, headachy and narky). I suppose the last one is not really a symptom. Otherwise I'd be classified as sick all the time. muahaha

What can I say. Birthday (and entry into the 30ies) has brought with it some topics for contemplation.

One of which was, rather unattractively, was snot. As I tried to blow out all my accumulated supplies of nasal mucus before bedtime, I wondered as to the actual composition of this substance (that and also whether anyone has ever drowned overnight in it before). Subsequently, one of the first tasks this morning was to wiki the booger. I know you are all wondering, so here are some highlights:

Nasal mucus is produced by the nasal mucosa, and mucal tissues lining the airways (trachea, bronchus, bronchioles) is produced by specialized airway epithelial cells (goblet cells) and submucosal glands. Small particles such as dust, particulate pollutants, and allergens as well as infectious agents such as bacteria are caught in the viscous nasal or airway mucus and prevented from entering the system. This event along with the continual movement of the respiratory mucus layer toward the oropharynx, helps prevent foreign objects from entering the lungs during breathing. Additionally, mucus aids in moisturizing the inhaled air and prevents tissues such as the nasal and airway epithelia from drying out. Nasal and airway mucus is produced constitutively, with most of it swallowed unconsciously, even when it is dried.

Increased mucus production in the respiratory tract is a symptom of many common illnesses, such as the common cold and influenza.... The presence of mucus in the nose and throat is normal, but increased quantities can impede comfortable breathing and must be cleared by blowing the nose or expectorating phlegm from the throat. Tears are also a component of nasal mucus

Generally nasal mucus is clear and thin, serving to filter air during inhalation. During times of infection, mucus can change colour to yellow or green either as a result of trapped bacteria,^[5] or due to the body's reaction to viral infection.^[6]

In the case of bacterial infection, the bacterium becomes trapped in already clogged sinuses, breeding in the moist, nutrient-rich environment.Antibiotics may be used to treat the secondary infection in these cases, but will generally not help with the original cause.

In the case of a viral infection such as cold or flu, the first stage and also the last stage of the infection causes the production of a clear, thin mucus in the nose or back of the throat. As the body begins to react to the virus (generally one to three days), mucus thickens and may turn yellow or green. In viral infections, antibiotics will not be useful, and are a major avenue for misuse. Treatment is generally symptom-based; often it is sufficient to allow the immune system to fight off the virus over time

So, there you go. Never say I'm not educational.

Another topic of contemplation was, rather unsurprisingly and banally, an existential crisis. No more on that one for now.

What else. Hm. It's been mentioned that I need resolutions. I'm trying to come up with a list... My usual ones include:
1) Exercise (agree. but must be not sick to do so...)
2) Be nice to people (except I keep forgetting why...)
3) Try to get out more... (again... sometimes I forget. Plus hard to beat napping...)
Hm. What else?

Location: Nash Lounge, LBS, London

Time: 3pmish

Feeling: restless

Classic link: http://www.humanistsofutah.org/2002/WhyCantIOwnACanadian_10-02.html

Why can't I own a Canadian? Valid question.

Last week of term here. Swamped with work. Long to do list. Can't get motivated. Can't concentrate. Eek. Could use a nap. The latter probably doesn't come to anyone as a surprise.

Actually everything is pretty much done except the 2nd year project. Of which there is a lot to do. And tax. God... tax...

And packing for Sth Africa. Hm.

Actually I don't have the presence of mind to write. I give up.

:)

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/28/magazine/28depression-t.html?ref=health

A new beginning?

Location: My room, Kill&Burn, London

Time: 10:29pm

Date: 28 Feb 2010, Sunday night

Listening: Rufus Wainwright

Mood: expectant - think green light at Daisy's dock... Looking forward to NYC on Wed.

It feels like every other post I start with something terribly banal along the lines of 'it's been a while and I resolve to update this more frequently going forward, blah blah'. It's like the morning after when you resolve to 'never drink again'. Or at least for a month.

Baaaaanal.

I hate banality.

So I shall recap... Top 3 and bottom 3 that reside in my memory at this moment. No time period specified

1) Tattoo party on campus last night: Amongst things that happened, our club (Nazar) winning the fashion show. Yulia sent him on stage after he's been hiding from her for most of the night (and consuming copious amount of alcohol). He proceeded to do the typical Russian man's drunk dance on the stage (I had fears of him falling off. It was close.) and LBS crowdloved it. Heeelarious!

I still had no voice and was sick - so the only thing that got me through the night was the constant stream of vodka shots which had no intoxicating effect whatsoever. I came home, skipping the after-party, and getting into bed after 6 hours on my feet was THE best thing that happened to me that day.

2) The Brazilian Carnival Party was pretty good also. I can't remember the last time I got home at 6am. Of course, it then took me 4 days to recover. Too old for this shit, clearly.

Now to the bottom...

1) Why doesn't someone I actually LIKE hit on me? 2 hits of zero interest and the guy I actually have a mild crush on turned up with a new girlfriend. Hrumph. Farken.

2) Relating to the Brazilian Carnival afterparty - I have never been begged buy a guy to go to have a drink with him. Unable to be brutal and get rid off him, I proceeded to have some of the more miserable hours of my life. I want those back. It was disturbing and unpleasant. I walked away thinking 'what the f was that...?!?' (he was alright looking, a trader from DC, staying at a swish hotel in Mayfair). I still don't know... *shudder*