Soo-ey! Soo-ey!! Pig-Pig-Pig....

I finally ran into ol' Feelgood Haines the other day.  He tells me he has bought hisself one of them little, pot-belly pigs.  For no good reason, he says -- it's just because hardly anyone else has got one.  He says its name is "Stinky" when he's out playing in the yard, but he calls it "Ballpoint" when its in the sty.

I asked him, "How come and why do you need two different names for one lousy pig?"

"That's easy," he says with a mischievous grin.  "Ballpoint is just his pen name."

(Oh boy, did he cackle and chortle at that one....)

+ + + + + + + +

+ + + + + + + +

Eve's Side of the Story

Big Ernie came to visit Eve after she had spent her first 3 weeks in the Garden of Eden.
"S, how is everything going?" he inquired.

"It's all so beautiful, Ern," Eve replied.  "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights -- everything is so wonderful, but I have just one problem.  It's these breasts you gave me.  The middle one pushes the other two outward, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, and snagging them on bushes.  They're a real pain," she reported.

Eve went on to tell Ernie that since many other parts of her body came in pairs -- such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. -- she felt having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced."

"That's a fair point," replied Ern.  "But it was my first shot at this, you know.  I gave animals six breasts, so I figured you might need about half as many.  But I see you were right and I will fix it up right away."  Ernie reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the beaches.

Three weeks went by and Ernie once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.  "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she said, "except for one oversight.  You see, all the animals are paired off.  The ewe has a ram and a cow has a bull.  All animals have a mate except me.  I feel so alone."

Ernie thought for a minute and said, "You know, Eve, you are right.  How could I have overlooked this?  You do need a mate, and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.  Now, let's see....where did I put that useless boob?"

(Now, then, doesn't that make more sense than that crap about the rib?)

(My thanks for this tome to my buddy Vicki.)

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is sects.  N., some of those guys over there, and some of these guys over here.  Def.:  Don't join dangerous cults:  Practice safe sects!

I Already Showed Off My Rabboon

Whee!  Ring-Around-the Rosie....

+ + + + + + + +

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password -- something he will need to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.  So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed......

P.....

E.....

N.....

I.....

S.....

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED.  NOT LONG ENOUGH.

+ + + + + + + +

Four guys were at deer camp.  They had to bunk two to a room.  The problem was that no one wanted to room with Darryl because he snored so badly.  They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy who slept in Daryl's room came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.  The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?"  He said, "Darryl snored so loudly,  just sat up and watched him all night."  The next night was the second guy's turn, and same thing -- hair all tousled, eyes all bloodshot.  One of the others said, "Man, what happened to you?  You look awful."  And he said, "Man, that Darryl shakes the roof.  I just sat up and watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn.  Frank was a big, burly ex-football player, a man's man, a man's man.  The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.  The other two two couldn't believe it.  He looked rested and wide awake.  One of his buddies asked, "Man, what happened?"  And Frank replied, "After we got ready for bed, I went over and tucked Darryl into bed, patted his butt and kissed him good night.  I guess Darryl sat up and watched me all night."

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is rich.  N., kind of like Croesus was.  Def.:  If I ever get plenty of chips I hope I'm not mean to poor people, like I am now.

I Got Me Some Word Play

                                               Maybe This Is Woe?

Several aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first seminar on
emotional extremes.
                                                  

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to one student, "What is the
opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of a young lady.

"Elation," said she.

"And you, sir," he said to a young man, "how about the opposite of woe?"

He replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

                                                                                

+ + + + + + +

Doctors at a hospital in Your hometown have gone on strike.  Hospital officials say they will find out what the doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs.

+ + + + + + + +

Cops are everywhere.  Here's a headline from my local paper:  "Police:  Crack Found in Man's Buttocks"

And another:  "Police taser naked man in cavity."

+ + + + + + + +

Karate is a form of martial arts to which people devote years and years of training, using only their hands and feet, in order to make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

+ + + + + + + +

The operators of a rope tow in a popular ski area were having trouble with non-ticket purchasers sneaking onto the ski lift.  Finally, one of the operators manned his post operating the tow while his partner, wearing a discarded pair of skis, elbowed his way to the head of the line.  The operator promptly called him back, "Hey, where's your lift ticket?"

The response he got was "I don't need no ticket to ride this tow."  At this, the tow operator produced an ax and, with two blows, deftly chopped off the fronts of his partner's skis, just ahead of the toes.

With the crowd of skiers staring in amazement, the operator lowered his ax and turned to the crowd, "Anyone else out there who doesn't need a lift ticket?"

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word of the day is hypochondriac.  N., I think it's a fakeout.  Def.:  And on his tombstone there was this epitaph:  "NOW will you believe me?"

You Ain't Scarin' Me Some

To save the economy in 2009, which it already is, the U.S. Government will start deporting all the weird old people. I started cryin' when I thought of most of you.

Run, my friends, RUN!!


(Well....what can I say? Someone sent it to me!
And I ain't goin' alone.)

+ + + + + + + +

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now, and seem to have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public restroom door without using a paper towel. And I don't have them put lemon slices in my ice water for worry about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

That's just a couple of things you taught me. I also can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I must send my special thanks to whomever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have gto use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

Really, I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use deodorants with cancer-causing ingredients (all of them), even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Because of your concern for my health, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it is so powerful it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a $5 bill dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grap my leg.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5 p.m. tomorrow and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

Oh, by the way, a German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their emails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now. It's too late.

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite phrase today is scared half to death. N., a frightening little piece, that. Def.: Just think what happens if that occurs to you twice.

A Short Version of World History

What can I say?  It's Rabbit! Rabbit! time -- when you show your rabbit and say your Rabbit!! Rabbit!! and then you have good luck all month long!  Hoo-boy.

+ + + + + + + +

For those of you who slept through World
History 101, here is a condensed version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish in the winter. The two most important events in all history were:

1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel.

These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQs and doing the sewing, fetching and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became girlie-men.

Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that Conservatives provided. Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, firemen, loggers, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce very little. They live to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in World History.

It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and, of course, to more liberals....just to piss them off.

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is hat. N., keeps the wig wam. Def.: Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here. I'll go on ahead."

I Hope She Has the Time

A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible ocean storm. They found themselves stranded on a desert island, and after awhile they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beatiful cirrus clouds. The breeze was warm and gentle, a perfect night for romance. And the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and lo and behold there was another terrible storm. The only survivor this time was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Kiwi had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, but they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to the evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening: red cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon the New Zealander started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned toward the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear:

"Would you do a favor for me?" he asked.

"Certainly," she said.

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

+ ++ + + + + +

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry his entire load of purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact my farm is very close to that house and I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot," he replied. The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said, and proceeded to walk toward the lady's house.

On the way he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is aging. N., getting way old like me. Def.: Eventually you will reach this point, when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Get 'em One at a Time

It is hard to know if I have a measle.  There is this angry-looking blotch on my chest-bone that looks like I have the measles.  But there is only one blotch, so my brain is wondering:  How can you have measles when there is only one measle?

If you get scarlet fever twice do you have scarlet fevers, or have you had scarlet's fever?  Or was that roseola (roseolas?).  Or rubella/rubellas?

Psoriasis....Now there's one for you.  And sebhorrea.  That's another one for you.  How come those don't come in plurals?  Chicken pox.  A poxes upon you, I say.

And here's another one you don't want to get:  Chagas' disease.  And I know this was named for Mr. Chagas because only one of him was the first to find it.  So much for Chagases' disease.

This (Chagas') is caused by little insects, mostly down in the tropics, that are called "blood- sucking assassin bugs."  Yuck.  (Yucks?)

+ + + + + + + +

Here's a poetic done by my Scamp:

Bird food hangs under leafless birches
Where ice has formed on all the perches.
The goldfinch flocks seem unaware,
Nor do the blackbirds seem to care.

Bamboos have arched and seem quite rigid.
(The weatherman has just called it frigid.)
Seven inches coming so we debate,
But there's ice on top, so now that makes eight.

It snowed last week, and then it melted,
Relief was felt, and again we got belted.
So bundle up, and fluff those feathers,
And let's all hope for warmer "weathers."

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite phrase today is Oliver's Law of Public Speaking.  N., sounds good to me.  Def.:  A closed mouth gathers no feet.

He's Seen Better Days

                                Right after Santa's last stop.....
+ + + + + + + +

My favorite phrase today is bah humbug.

He Knows How to Lose His Load

And the Blonde Knows Her Stuff

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.  She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."  The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the blonde catches up again.  She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.  Again the trucker lowers the window.  As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load."

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.  At the third red light, the same thing happens again.  All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door.  Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load."

When the light turns green, the trucker races to the next light.  When he stops this time he hurriedly gets out of his truck and runs back to the blonde.  He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says.....

"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter here in Oregon and I'm driving the sander!"

+ + + + + + + +

I almost cried when I saw this picture.  It is absolutely gut-wrenching.  It shows the importance of being strapped in.

A friend sent this photo of a horrible highway accident in Germany.  The picture may be kind of hard for some of you to take.  If you look closely you can see what appears to be some survivors of the accident still in the wreckage.  Although the picture is quite graphic, it makes you realize how quickly our loved ones can be taken from us.

My friend stayed on the scene to help out, and even though he performed mouth-to-mouth on quite a few of them, not one of them survived.

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is Yahoo.  N., sort of like yah humbug.  Def.:  What you yell after selling your stock to some poor sucker for $120 per share.

                          

         

                                                         

And a Merry Ribbit to You

Exhaustion hits everyone!

This is one of the cuter Christmas photos going around this year.  You can
have it.  Or just ignore, like I do.

+ + + + + + + +

A guy is 80 years old and loves to fish.  He was sitting in his boat the other day when a heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.  He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.  The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you.  Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.  I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts?!  Didn't you hear what I said?  I said, 'Kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'"

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah; at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

+ + + + + + + +

The dentist looks into the patient's mouth and says, "Holy smoke!  That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago is badly corroded.  What have you been eating?"

The man replied, "The only thing different I can think of is, my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it.  She called it Hollandaise sauce."

The dentist responded, "That's probably it.  Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive.  I'll have to make a new plate, but this time make it out of chrome."

"Why chrome?" the patient asked.

The dentist replied, "Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is water.  N., don't ruin it with whiskey.  Def.:  I never drink this because of all the disgusting things fish do in it.

At Least They All Got Pistolas

A Mexican, an Arab and a Redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.  He says, "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."

The Arab, obviously impressed, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.  He says, "In the Arab world we havr so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one, either."

The Redneck girl, cool as a cucumber can be cool, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass in the air, whips out her .45 and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.  She catches her glass, sets it on the bar, and calls for a refill.

"In America," she says, "we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

+ + + + + + + +

In Wellington, Florida, 20-year-old Frantz Leger, was arrested at a mall for wearing droopy jeans.

Said Palm Beach County Sheriff's Lt. Jay Hart, "The Mall doesn't put up with that tom foolery-buttcrap.  His pants were down below his butt.  No one goes to the mall and wants to see the crack of someone's butt."

+ + + + + + +

Hers and my, favorite pastimes......

+ + + + + + + +

New Office Policy

Dress Code

1.  You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2.  If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci Bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raiser.
3.  If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therfore you do not need a raise.

4.  If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days
 

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of illness.  If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to go to work.

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite phrase today is hard work.  N., when you break out in perspicacity.  Def.:  Hard work pays off in the future.  Laziness pays off now.

Six MORE Months; Will It Ever End?

I (Gene to you) is no longer 77, as I have told you.  The clock has rolled over to 78, and that deal where the doctor said I had 6 months to live hasn't worked out so well.  In fact, this is the third dose of that kind of advice I have been given; I reckon I am not very lucky at dying on time.  I am now on my fourth six-month stretch of having just 6 months to live; maybe I can get it done this time.
                                 (Maybe I can catch one of these.)

Anyway, what we're doing here today is wrapping up our Third Annual Christmas Letter.  I know you been waiting.  So here we go.

I think I told you last year that Scamp is 39 (again) this year.  She looks good in a size 39.

Thanks to the current economy, we here are learning some new Wall Street terms.  For instance:  "Value Investing:  The art of buying low and selling lower."  And what with the economy being so dour, we are making money selling our Haiku.  Haiku is not easy, either:

"The deal with Haiku
"You just get started and then

We again have spent a lot of time with doctors -- heart specialists, lung merchants, fat doctors (well, not fat fat doctors, the ones that thin you up or down, whichever way you want to go.   I once went into the doctor's office and said "I have a serious memory problem?"  The doc says, "When did it start?"  And I say, "When did what start?"

My Scamp has been busy this year, improving body and mind.  She's doing Qi Gong, tai chi, oil painting, water coloring, camera technique, and her regular bicycle workout.  She also did the Thanksgiving dinner, which was just as good as Mother used to make (well, MY mother; I don't know about YOUR mother).

A funny thing happened last summer.  Three of us baseball fans were walking toward the train at Safeco Field in Seattle one night, and one of us noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the sidewalk.  We looked and discovered a nude woman, drunk and passed out.  In respect of the lady, I took off my Cubs hat and placed it over her right breast.  One of my buddies, who was wearing a Red Sox hat, took off his beanie and put it over her left breast.  Following our lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

When the cops came, the Sergeant lifted the Cubs' hat, replaced it, and wrote down some notes.  Then he lifted the Red Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote some more notes.  The Sarge then lifted the Yankees' cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, then lifted it a third time and replaced it once more.

By now the Yankee fan was getting upset, and he finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something?  Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"  "Well," said the Sergeant, "I am simply surprised.  Normally when I look under a Yankees' hat, I find an asshole."

Oh, by the way, if you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is men.  N., you've seen 'em around: bald heads, no teeth, needing a shave?  THOSE are men.  Def.:  They are all the same; they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Life Sucks

Even man's best friend has his limits, wooden you say?

* * * * * * * *

Say you're going to have one beer.  Then in turns into a couple of beers, then a six-pack and soon enough, a cascade of beer.  You don't know what hit you, but the next day it turns into a

One-Star Hangover

No pain.  No real feeling of illness.  You're able to function relatively well.  However, you are parched.  You can drink 5 Cokes and still feel this way.  For some reason, you are craving a steak and fries.  Unless, of course, it's a

Two-Star Hangover

No pain, but something is definitely amiss.  You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun.  The coffee you are chugging is only enhancing the rumbling of your gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3 a.m. Waffle House excursion.  There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.  You sure hope it isn't a

Three-Star Hangover

Slight headache.  Stomach feels crappy.  You definiely not productive.  Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the peppermint schnapps your alcoholic friends dared you to drink.  You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke -- yet you haven't peed once.  It's looking more and more like a

Four-Star Hangover

Life sucks.  Your head is throbbing.  You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke.  Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.  You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you shaved only one side of your face.  Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts.  Your butt is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five dumps you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.  No, it isn't a four-star job; it is easily becoming a

Five-Star Hangover

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube.  Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.  Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you.  You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was who had passed out in your bed this morning.  Any attempt to take another dump results in a fire-hose-like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare floater thrown in.  The sole purpose of this floater seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your buns.  But all this helps you add to your list of

Things Impossible to Say When You're Drunk

1.  Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2.  Nope, no more booze for me.

3.  Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4.  Good evening, officer.  Isn't it lovely out tonight?

5.  Oh, I just couldn't.  No one wants to hear me sing.

6.  Sorry I'm being such a jackass.

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is bachelor.  N., one of them cute little button flowers.   Def.:  A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

The Punday Pun

Here they are, the long-married couple, going out for dinner.  They decide on Chinese.  After looking over the menu, they each decided to have Chinese Surprise, the chef's special.

The waiter brings their meal in a lidded pot.  As the wife reaches for the lid, it rose a few inches -- and she could see two beady eyes looking at her before the lid slams shut.

Startled, she asked her husband if he had seen the eyes.  Just then, the lid rose again, revealing the two eyes before slamming down again!  Perturbed, the couple called the waiter over and explained all this hoo-rah and foo-foo-rah.

"Ah, so, I aporogize.  I make mistake and bring you Peeking Duck."

+ + + + + + + +

+ + + + + + + +

The only friction in this couple's long marriage was his habit of f**ting each morning when he awoke.  He tooted loudly, and it would wake his wife.  And then the smell would make her eyes water, and she would gasp for air.  Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.  He responded that it was perfectly natural, and he could'nt stop it.  She told him to see a doctor because she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by, and he continued to blast them out.  Then one Thanksgiving Day as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked  in the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver, etc., and a malicious thought came to her.  She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was still sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers she pulled back the elastic waistband of his shorts and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his underwear.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual troubling toot-toot -- but this time is was followed by a blood-curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.  The wife could hardly contain herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes.  After years of torture, she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.  About 20 minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood-stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.  She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right.  All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Well," he said, "you always told me that one day I would end up tooting my guts out, and today it finally happened.  But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers,  think I got most of them back in."

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is envelope.  N., and it could be a No. 10, you know.  Def.:  No matter how much you push it, it still will be stationery.

And No Dumb Bumpkins, Either

A friend who worked away from home all week always made a special effort to be with his family on the weekends.  Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.  Just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.  Luckily his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.  When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.

"Well," he said.  "Did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"

"Oh, yes, PaPa," the girl replied.  "And you know what?  We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shithead anywhere we went today."

+ + + + + + + +

Now, this here is a fish, or maybe a fishie.  I know that, because its name is Blobfish.  That's how I can know it's a fish.  Boy I am swift.

+ + + + + + + +

In the first three weeks since the election, President-Elect Obama has broken with tradition established over the past either years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political observers say.  Millions of Americans who watched Mr. Obama's appearance on "Sixty Minutes" witnessed the president-elect's unorthodox verbal tick, which had him employing grammatically correct sentences virtually every time he opened his mouth.

But Mr. Obama's decision to use complete sentences in his public pronouncements carries with it certain risks, since after the last eight years many Americans may find his odd speaking style jarring.

According to presidential historian Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota, some Americans might find it "alienating" to have a President who speaks English as if it were his first language.

"Every time Obama opens his mouth, his subjects and verbs are in agreement," said Mr. Logsdon.  "If he keeps it up, he is running the risk of sounding like an elitist."  The historian said that if Mr. Obama insists on using complete sentences, the public may find itself saying, "Okay, subject, predicate, subject predicate.....we get it, now stop already."

The President-elect's stubborn insistence on using complete sentences has already attracted a rebuke from one of his harshest critics, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska.

"Talking with complete sentences there and also too talking in a way that ordinary Americans like Joe the Plumber can't really do there, I think needing to do that isn't tapping into what Americans are needing also," she said.

(Thanks, Vicki.)
+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is armor.  N., I'm doing the jingle, jangle, jingle.  Def.:  During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

It Takes a Lot of Water to Be Conceited

+ + + + + + + +

The Washington Post has asked its readers for their pet peeves (good or bad):

Total strangers telling me what to do, especially square-dancer callers.

When a woman stands near me and people think her ugly baby is mine, and it is.

Big conceited bodies of water, especially Lake Superior.

I've been all over the world and have lived among every kind of culture and I can say, without any hesitation, that the most ignorant, rude, selfish and self-centered people on Earth are babies.

+ + + + + + + +

Once there was an old coal miner who loved to paint.  Sadly, he could not afford canvasses.  But he found a solution:  he would paint on the walls of his house.  And so the walls became covered with his paintings.

One day, a group of wayward youths broke in and defaced the paintings.  The youths were soon apprehended and arrested for.....wait for it.........corrupting the murals of a miner.

+ + + + + + + +

And The Post also asked for samples of a comically terrible ending to a novel, such as this one:

"As he left, the captain flashed a smile -- a wide, satisfied grin with lips parted a quarter-inch, the right corner of the mouth raised slightly above the left, and a dry lower lip slightly stuck to the teeth -- that defied description."

+ + + + + + + +

Then there is the karate form of martial arts, in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite phrase today is dollar bills.  N., save some for me.  Def.:  When the little boy's grandmother called to see if the young lad who had swallowed these is improving, the nurse said, "There's been no change yet."

Some Things Happen; Some Things Don't

This here is a rabbit.  Says so on the back of the card.  And it's here because we always show you a picture of a rabbit on the first of the month so you'll have good luck all month long (pervided you also say Rabbit! Rabbit!

 + + + + + + + +

I got an interesting question in my comments a couple of days ago:  "Is it true that you are not alive?"

There is no way to answer that.  If I said, "I am, indeed, not alive,"  I would have lied to you.  If I said, "It is true that I am not alive," I would have lied, again,  because anybody knows dead men don't type.  Or eat quiche.

+ + + + + + + +

+ + + + + + + +

I also got some other, more serious questionables, to which I will pay honor and keep.  For instances:

Did you have a career in newspapers or magazines?  This, I think, was a serious questionable, so I'm going to treat it seriousity.  So the answer(s) to your question is:

Right the first time.  And the third time and the fourth time, and the sixth time, and the seventh time.  But not the second time, the fifth time, or the eighth time, or the ninth time, or the tenth time, or the 11th time, or the 12th time.   That describes the number of times I was in the newspaper business, and the times I wasn't.   By the end of it, I was on Social Security.  Funny career, that.

When are you going to write a Dear Hoss B**g?  Paul Nichols

Right now.

Dear Hoss:

Q.  Is that a piece of big acne you got there, or is that a case of cleft palate?  OH

A.  You been lookin' into my profile, ain't-ch?  Sneak.  Well, if it's any biziness of yourn, it ain't neither none.  But if you want one, I can tell you how to get it fixed.  Send me dollars two.

Dear Hoss:  Tell us a bunch of things about you that we don't know about.   Tlp. 

A.  No.

Dear Hoss:  What is your favorite sweet?  Miz Mell

A.  Boy, I sure wish I knew which one of you honeys asked this.  Yum Yum Yumster!!

Dear Hoss:  Can we send you something for the holidays?  Miz Mell

A.  When people offer to send me something, I am all GIMME!  See, it's because they

don't HAVE to, but they WANT to.  Which makes me so delicious.

++ + + + + + +

My favorite word today is heart.  N., It's gettin' near Valentine's day, right?  Def.:  The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest with an axe.

I Seem to Have Forgotten Some Flowers

We here at Scamp Hollow have had quite a many florals to peek at this spring/summer/fall.  Nobody has asked me any questions about the flowers.  I will tell you later about the questions I HAVE been asked.  So here's about some flowers:

Now, this here is called Heavenly Bamboo Berries.  These are highly and hugely edible; they grow to the size of strawberries and also taste similarly, which means they is good.

And these things over toward the right

is called a White Star Creeper, which would be black star creeper if the flowers were black, which they aren't.

And this here doesn't have no any strawberries but it is a Strawberry Tree nevertheless because it looks like one and even could be one, if it wanted.

So all in all, this is some of what I got for autumn.  Not all, just some.

+ + + + + + + +

Questions I have been asked:

Somebody asked if I write all this trash.  Certainly not!  There are plenty of people out there who can write better trash than me.  I DO have a secret weapon who sends me lots of jokes and pictures (thank you, Richard).   Then there is also Scamp, whose pals send her dirty jokes and she insists that they appear on this b**g.  So here they are.

Hmmmm.......Maybe I HAVEN'T been asked a lot of questions.  Better make that:

One question I have been asked:

+ + + + + + + +

The Washington Post got from its readers several nominations for Darwin Reject Awards, such as this one:

A team of American researchers was awarded the prize for discovering that Coca-Cola is an effective spermicide, and a team of Taiwanese scientists were awarded for discovering that it is not.

++ + + + + + +

My favorite word today is juggle.  N., which is sometimes sort of like a jiggle, but not quite.  Def.:  It's not that I don't know how to do this; it's that I just don't have the balls to do it.

Maybe They Can Call Them Kools

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.   The iBoob will cost from $499 to $699, depending upon cup and speaker size.

The developers are hailing this as a major social breakthrough, because woman are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

+ + + + + + + +

+ + + + + + + +

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home having a drink and a smoke when it starts to rain.  Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the closed end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

Arlene:  What the hell is that?

Jane:  A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene:  Where did you get it?

Jane:  You can get them at any drugstore

The next day, Arlene hurries herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.  The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, look at her strangely (she is, he knows, over 80 years of age), and delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"It doesn't matter, sonny, as long as it fits on  a Camel.

+ + + + + + + +

A Mexican family was considering putting Grandfather Abuelo in a nursing home.  All the Hispanice facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Irish home.  After a few weeks went by, they came to visit him.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful," he says.  "Everyone here is so courteous and respectful."

The grandson responds, "Oh, that makes us very happy.  We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different from the rest of the people here."

"Oh, no!  Let me tell you how wonderfully they treat the residents," he says with a big smile.  "There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old.  He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"

"There's a judge in here -- he's 95 years old.  He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"

"And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me 'The Fucking Mexican.'!"

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is mankind.  N., could be a whole bunch of folks.  Def.:  To understand mankind, you have to look at the word itself.  MANKIND.  Basically, it's made up of two words:  MANK and IND.  What do these two words mean?  It's another mystery, so I think we better find a word I like more.

These Boots Are Made for Walking?

A young guy goes to the Job Center in Charleston, W. Va., and sees a flyer advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.  Interested, he wants to learn more.  "Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up a file ad says, "The job entails getting ladies ready for the gynecologist.  You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off any hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.  There's an annual salary of $55 thousand, but you're going to have to go to Charlotte, North Carolina.  That's about 250 miles from here."

"Oh, is that where the job is?" the young man asks.

"No, sir:  that's where the end of the line is right now."

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite phrase today is bull market.  N., you can get some in Pamplona.  Def.:  A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.