Stripping Down to the Bones

This seems appropriate for Halloween, since it's got a lot of bones in it. It's a politician with his head up....well, you know.

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How does a good-looking Dutch babe turn into a spooky skeleton? Darned if I know. See all the action here.

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The Tata Group, a Mumbai, India, company that handles customer service calls for several U.S. firms, has outsourced some of its work to a firm in Ohio. The client insisted on operators knowledgeable about U.S. geography.

Now then, if the clients would just insist on operators knowledgeable about the U.S. language......

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I was amused (and so are you) by questions reportedly asked by visitors at national and state parks and other wilderness areas, according to Outside magazine:

Niagra Falls State Park, New York: "Where can I buy a ticket for the barrel ride?"

Grand Canyon National Park, Arizona: "Exactly why did you guys put it here?"

Denali National Park and Preserve, Alaska: "Can you show me where the yeti lives?"

Watson Lake, Yukon Territory, Canada: "What time do y'all turn on the Northern Lights?"

Mesa Verde National Park, Colorado: "Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?"

Yellowstone National Park, Wyoming: "Can we eat this?" (holding a handful of moose droppings that look like Milk Duds.)

Carlsbad Caverns National Park, New Mexico: "How much of the cave is underground?"

Yosemite National Park, California: "Where are the cages for the animals?"

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I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called Lifeline. I was put through to a "call center" in Pakistan.

I explained that I was feeling suicidal.

The operator was very excited and wanted to know if I could fly a plane or drive a truck.

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My favorite word today is assmosis. N., seep no more, my lady. Def.: The process by which some people obtain advancement by kissing up to the boss.

What If They Gave News and Nobody Came?

At 7 p.m. PST Monday, I have done a guest b**g for Tisha Sharp. It's pretty good bad so-so. But if you wanta see it, which you do, go to where it's at.

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Does this need a caption?

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Strange goings-on today: There was no news.

You may not have noticed, but nothing happened today. Ellen DeGeneres did not have a dog; Obama Barack did not criticize anybody; Hillary did not talk Spanish; nobody died in an 8-truck accident in a California highway tunnel. Nobody stole from anybody, and nobody gave anything back that they stole. Nothing bad happened. Nothing good happened.

Now then, you are a TV station. What do you report?

Steve Bittermouth here, reporting from Downtown:

Uh, Anchorfella? Yesterday there were 3 muggings here. Today? Nada. Zip. Back to you.

Anchorfella: Very good, Steve, way to churn it out. We have Liza Weatherhead here to explain tomorrow's weather.

Liza here, reporting from Mt. Whitney:

Nothing is happening today, Anchor fella. There are no clouds, no rain, no wind, no snow. I would have to say we have nothing. Back to you, Big Fella.

Anchorfella: Do we have any auto accidents? Any husband beating up on his wife? Any wife slicing off her husband's penis? No thefts, no purloins, no hounds of Baskerville?

(Program manager: If you can keep this up for 15 more minutes, we can sign off in victory.)

Larry the Cable Guy: Hold it, fellas, I got some NEWS!

Anchorfella: Yes! Yes! Let's have it!!

Larry the Guy: Yes! Yes! The newspaper has published today's edition -- and it is 32 blank pages! Sort of sums up No News Day, huh?

Anchorfella: You ass. No way does that fill 15 minutes.....

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My favorite word today is irritainment. N., scratch that. Def.: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

It Is Costly to Be a Geek

My local newspaper had this theft report: Sept. 28, 6:20 p.m., 25400 block, 95th Avenue -- A $1,400 laptop computer, $200 external hard drive, $280 iPod, $150 headphones, $1,000 in computer programs, $350 digital camera and other items were reported stolen from a business van.

Just think about this. Fifteen or 20 years ago the guy who lost all this stuff wouldn't have had any of it. That's what is meant by "the good old days." Also, scientists say this is "too bad."

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Are you feeling witty today? Here's a cartoon without a caption. Its purpose is to invite YOU to write a caption in the comments. And there is a Grand Prize: a University of Oregon sweatshirt. Put on your laugh cap and think away. You know whom will be the lonesome judge.

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Here are some advisories for living the good life:

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Have you noticed that since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out"?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room so you can get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Also, remember this: A good friend is like a good bra; hard to find, supportive, comfortable and always close to your heart.

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My favorite word today is Bernadette. N., a.k.a. Bonnie.
Def.: The act of torching a mortgage.

Getting It on With Hoss

Dear Hoss:

Thank you for setting up this system that allows us to get answers to our questions. I know you will be fair dinkum, and all that, in giving us advice.

What I'm wondering is: My husband just generally ignores me all day, and, especially, all night. He says he loves me, but he is often gone for two-three days at a time and comes home smelling of (can I say it?) (oh, I can't say it) you know....

So, my question is, does all sex smell the same? Or is yours different?

Anxiously,

Biddie in Kansas City

Dear Biddie: Thanks for writing. I don't know what you're talking about. Get a life.

Dear Hoss:

This is really important, but I know you can help me because you're so reincarnationable. Is it "Knit two, purl one," or "Knit one, purl two"? I just know you can help because you are so knittable.

Not the Ho in Idaho

Dear Not: Did you know they hanged Mussolini upside down?

Dear Hoss:

Now that Halloween is approaching, I need your advice. Which costumes will be in vogue this year: Witches, ghosts, dogs or dung beetles? Please answer soon because I am pretty slow at patchwork.

Slow in Kokomo

Dear Slow:

I have always gone with dung beetles. Ain't that the shits?

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Dear Hoss:

I am one of the few people who know you personally. I was impressed by your yoganistics and also shoulders. So my question is right on point: Does Jack LaLanne know about you?

Hammy in Miami

Dear Hammy:

I don't know Jack.

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My favorite phrase today is salmon day. N., endanger them species. Def.: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

When the Dentist's Aim Is Off

Tim Conway is the classic dentist in this wild and crazy flick. Don't miss it.

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When they say "Don't take candy from a stranger," this is the kind of oddity they have in mind.

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Doctor at Med School: "How can we prevent diseases caused by biting insects?"

Med Student: "Don't bite any."

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A woman walks into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," he responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" And he says, "Yep, three males and two females."

She asks, "How do you tell them apart?"

And he says, "Three were on a beer can, and two were on the phone."

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Browsing the net, I find that famous guitar player Doc Watson has a Gallagher, which he refers to as "Old Hoss," which is on display at the Country Music Hall of Fame in Nashville, Tenn.

How about that? A guitar named for me that is about as old as me. (How about them apples? This comes courtesy of my pal, Raggedy.)

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My favorite word today is arbitrator. N., the fast form of mediation. Def.: A cook who leaves Arby's to go to work for McDonald's.

And It Was 956 Years Old

This dude was caught in Oregon's Willamette River by some lucky fellas just before we emplaned for Hawaii. The sturgeon weighed over 1,000 lbs., was 11'1" long and it took 6 1/2 hours and 4 dozen beers for the guys taking turns reeling it in. It may have been only 955 years old.

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My local newspaper listed some ways for you to waste time. This was my favorite:

"Setting up a log book in your bathroom to verify that the toilet bowl cleaner really works for 1,000 flushes."

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Here's a slam dunk on the You Tube: A dancing cockatoo. For a peek, click hereabouts.

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One day Harry the Bald Eagle waited at the nest for his partner of 10 years, Mary. He went looking and found her. She had been shot deader 'n' a hobnob.

Harry was devastated. After about six minutes of mourning, he decided he needed to get himself a new playmate, even if he had to cross the feather barrier. Eventually he found a lovely Dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was okay, but all the Dove wanted to say was "I'm a Dove, and I want to love; I'm a Dove, and I want to love."

This got on Harry's nerves, so he booted the Dove and went looking once again. He found a very sexy Loon and brought her back to the nest. Once again the sex was great, but all the Loon would say is "I am a Loon, and I want to spoon. I am a Loon and I want to spoon."

Unnerved once again, Harry booted the Loon and went looking once again. This time he found a Duck to bring back to the nest. Again the sex was great, but all the Duck would say was....

No, the Duck didn't say that. What's wrong with you?

What the Duck said was, "I am a Drake, and you made a big mistake!"

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My favorite word today is avoidable. N., safe driving. Def.: What a bullfighter tries to do.

I Wouldn't Do That to a Dog

Some people just cannot leave Well Enough alone. It is Well Enough when your dog earns your petting and bitches about his food. It is not Well Enough when you dress up your dog as Rumplestiltskin or the Wicked Witch from the East. That is so over the top. But, here is what some owners thought their dogs should be: fashion plates. Now you know why you occasionally read "Dog Bites Man."











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For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night she confided that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his marriage or his reputation, he paid her a large sum of money to go to Italy to have the child secretly. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to a confused wife. "Honey," she says, "you received a very strange postcard today." He responds, "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain later."

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."

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My favorite word today is circumvent. N., round and round she goes and where she stops nobody knows. Def.: An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

It's a Rat-Fink Form of Magdalene

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If you had gone to Dictionary.com one day last month, you would have seen this:

Word of the Day

Today’s word: maudlin

Thanks, Bonnie.

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Some people don't know enough to stay injured and abed. Like this guy.

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A student is playing Trivial Pursuit. When it was her turn, she rolled the dice and landed on "Science and Nature". Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She asked: "Is it on or off?"

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We know exactly where one cow with Mad-Cow Disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America. But we don't seem to have a clue where thousands of illegal immigrants are located. Maybe the Department of Agriculture should be put in charge of immigration.

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Here's a true believer for you: The Rev. Joseph Neuner enjoined Mother Teresa to believe that "her ordeal gave her a share in the Passion of Christ, and that His absence was in a way a 'sure sign' of his 'hidden presence'."

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This lady takes her dog to the vet, and he found the dog's problem: hair in its ears had become compacted. He fixed up the dog, then told the lady that to keep this from recurring she should buy some Nair hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some Nair. The druggest tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady responds, "I'm not using it under my arms."

So the druggist says, "Well, if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days." She responds, again, "I'm not using it on my legs."

Then she adds, "If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

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My favorite word today is hipatitis. N., one of the titis boys. Def.: Terminal coolness.

Summering It Up

From 200 feet away, this is my best picture of a Hawaii sea-going turkle. Our tour guide said there were two of them in the water down there, but I think he was going by rumor. If you want to know why I took this picture, you'll have to guess with me. Maybe it was just to prove that I know a turtle breeding ground when I see one.

It's pretty clear what this is, except I don't know what it is. It's some sort of red-headed stepchild that landed in the street near where we waiting to be taken on some tour or other. There are nuts in the trees where we wait. They fall off, land in the street, then the buses crush them for the birds to eat. Pretty efficient. I don't think they did this prior to the invention of the wheel.

You know these guys. Koi are big in Hawaii because the Japanese tourist is big, and everybody knows the Japanese love koi. Actually, they are just carp that got colorized, and I don't see the big deal. But here you are, koi swimming gently into the night, and so on and so it goes.

Actually, to a handicapped guy like me, Hawaii looks better on paper. None of my wheelchairs/scooters would go through the sand, so the ocean was off-limits to me. It is hell getting one of these gadgets on a bus (scooter has to back in, and my neck doesn't twistle well enough to see where I'm going; one time I made about nine runs at it, and when I finally made it, the other riders in the bus gave me a big "Hoorah!"). Pearl Harbor is off-limits because of transportation issues.

The weather is just swell: 87 for a high, 74-77 for a low, winds blowing 10-20 mph. This happens every day, day after day after day. Looks good on paper; gets boring after 20 days of the same old same old.

There are some places in Oregon I'd rather see. You can take my place in Hawaii.

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My favorite word today is rectitude. N., straight up the old chute. Def.: The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Bone Voyager

Here I am, in all my GoGo Scooter glory, courtesy of The Scamp. This was a heckuva deal, and I only wish I had signed up for it earlier. Anyway, I have turned the dude over to the rental outfit and we are on the way to the airport.

We got one of them “specials to the airport” for $5. See, the reason it is only $5 is because it is the roughest ride since before shock absorbers. This is a 15-passenger van, and I swear the driver could have found pot holes in heaven. My gall bladder and liver have changed places and he has intermingled my kidneys. My heart busted through my rib cage. If I were still alive, I would think up ways to get even.

Did I tell you about the Peking Duck? I had that baby at an Italian-Chinese (yes indeedy) named Ciao Mein. That’s so cute. Anyway, Peking Duck is not from China; otherwise it would be covered in lead paint.

And there is no Peking anymore, except, I guess, in tea. Why can't people leave well enough alone? When I was growing up we had Burma, Peking, Ceylon and Rhodesia. Now we got Myanmar, Beijing, Sri Lanka and Zimbabwe. The capitol of Zimbabe is not Salisbury but Harare. I am not buying a new globe.

Here's maybe a better picture of me en shabille (I think this is a Norwegian phrase meaning "pretty as a peacock", but I am not sure). This is me at the Aquarius.

This also is at the Aquarial. The funny looking thing at bottom-center is a giant clam, filtering the water. It does NOT filter human beings, no matter what movie you've seen.

Actually, we are home now. I may have a few more pictures for you. All of them dramatic.

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My favorite word today is flatulence. N., aroma in the night. Def.: Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

Then He Went Under the Bus

The University of Hawaii athletic teams are "The Rainbows," on accounta shots like this. Scamp was out patrolling and caught this shot just south of our hotel. It (the ubiquitous "it") has rained hard here a couple of days, but only in the very late night or early morning. We have not suffered.

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So, there were these Japanese at a table for five (because there were five of them). They were much too close to us, because we could hear every word: Ahsodeska arrigato humdrum sum bitch weewee tutuerino. And then the next speaker said: Ahosodeska arrigato humdrum sum bitch weewee tutuerini. In falsetto. You can see the difference.

I am not making fun of the Japanese here in Hawaii.

Yes I am.

Yesterday I saw this Japanese lady who was trying out for the part of Anorexia in "The Thin Man." And she was about 70. And wearing shorts. My stomach did a flip-floperoo. I could think of nothing other than "She was a sore for sighted eyes." 'Twas quite hitonius.*

Also, the local Hawaiians have this pidgeon English that nobody understands except the pidgeons. Maybe it’s spelled pidgun. And when they use it they laugh and laugh and little children grow up thinking in falsetto.

It used to be, when we left the hotel, Scamp would guide my wheelchair down a narrow ramp. “Down” is the key word. She asks me to put on the brakes....”Harder”...”More on the left” ...”Not so much” ....”Both brakes, NOW!” ...”Okay, let up...” And I go sailing into the street, to be met by The Bus #8.

Fortunately, it was The Bus we needed.

Now I go on my scooter, which has not yet succumbed to a picture. Maybe later.

Here's a sign I saw in a dress shop: "Your husband called. He said to buy anything you want."

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If you like games, here's one where you can match your feelings about political issues with those of the presidential candidates, and thus find out which one you should prefer, rather than the one you like best. I was stunned to find out I should be voting for Joe Biden (which I won't be). If you'd like to give it a test, go to the Candidate Calculator.

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My favorite word today is byte. N., if you get a million jillion of these, you will have some strong code. Def.: What snakes do best.

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(*"Hitonius" is a word made up by my buddy Jamie Dawn. It means "worse than horrid," or "horridest," maybe. She's trying to get it in the dictionary, and the only way to do that is for lots of us to use it at every opportunity. Go forthright.

Once Upon a Once

These are called Birds of Paradise, because they are birds and they are in Hawaii. There are quite a few wild chickens here, all of which have evaded the mongooses. You remember the mongos? They were brought here to put the bite on the rats, only mongos eat during the day and the rats eat at night, so never the twain met. I am glad you knew that.

This here is a self-portrait of the legs of my buddy, The Scamp, which she took while lying down. Shiitake does happen here, a lot. It is hard to get a restaurant meal without mushrooms. Not that I'd want to.

A floral of flowers from the Hilton Hotel, which is said to be the biggest if not largest of all the hotels everywhere. Featured in this display are the famed Birds of Prey and assorted other bloomlets.

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I bought Scamp a lei made of ginger florets. Let me tell you, it has the sweetest aroma -- almost as good as Vicki's "Cookies Better than Sex." That was for being a swell person. Then, for her Oct. 4 birthday, I bought her some really fine (if you can imagine) sake, for which she has an affinity. It is called Cowabunga, or something similarly inclined.

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My birthdays were Oct. 1 and 2. Regular readers know why I have two birthdays. The reason really is quite simple: I deserve them. The reason you only have one birthday? Well, it's obvious, isn't it? I know some of you women don't have ANY birthdays, which is the kindest kind to not have.

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I rented an electric scooter. I will tell you more when I can get it appropriately photoshopped.

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My favorite phrase today is mega hertz. N., when the moon hits your eye like a big piece of pie. Def.: What you suffer when you try to move the grand piano.