I have depression and i need help.

I remember this exact same day last year.

'Herman! Are you free for dinner with us?' I asked when he picked up the phone. My elder sister wanted me to arrange with him.

'Ya ya. Can.' He replied casually.

My sisters and I met up with him to have dinner. To catch up as daughters and parent.
Since we've been living apart from each other. We treated him this Father's Day meal.

This year, today, is different.

Gerald and I climbed up the stairs to the 2nd floor. Wind was blowing silently against my skin. It was quiet. All I saw was one big family sitting and standing around the unit my father was placed.
We asked a random kind soul for a lighter. We lighted it up.
I stood in front of my father.

'Happy Father's Day'. I said as I slotted in the joss stick beside him.

My regrets as a child.

I gotten a missed call from my father.

I chose not to answer it. Because it was in regards of asking about his CPF blah blah for him to get a place to stay when we sell the flat.

Something i should have done was to call back.





Days later.

It was a regular day when I received a call from my elder sister.
I was enjoying my time relaxing on the bed on a weekend.
My phone started to ring from an incoming call.

'Hello?'

'Elicia, I receive a call from the hospital. Herman is in the hospital and the doctor says he seemed confused. He doesn't really speak but just smiles at them.' Says my sister,Eliza.

Being baffled by this information, I though to myself, 'Is he ok?'

'What happened? He went to the hospital for his infected foot again?' i said.

'I don't know. But he is not being very clear and doesnt seem to speak', She told me she will send me a text message of the ward and hung up.

Now I had thought is he trying to get our attention ? Where is that woman? He should be ok. I'm sure he knows how to take care of himself.

I buried my worries aside before getting to the hospital awaiting for Gerald to drive me to the hospital. Which I regretted because it took me a long time before I could get there.I thought he was fine so I didn't rush over. I should have just cabbed over but gerald said to wait for his parents car so that he could drive me. So I waited. While waiting anxiety started to get me.

I wanted to know what happened. I wanted to reach there because I felt something different about this call and what the doctor said. But I still waited for the car and he sent me over fetching Eliza too.

We tried to inform our younger sister, Tricia. However her phone has been buggy and battery was always drained out. Bad timing. We texted,called,used social media and she never got back to us.

When we arrived at his ward, we spoke to him and requested for the doctor to explain his situation

'Hi Herman. What wrong?'

My father sat on the white bed smiling at us. His movement seemed restricted. It seemed like he could only control half his body. He wanted to speak, however, all he could do is have his eyes talk.

Worried, Eliza asked, 'Herman, do u know who I am?'
My dad looked at her and rolled his eyes. Seeming to say,'duh'.
This lessen the tension and worries as we all chuckled alittle, including my father.

'I think he has a stroke. He can only move half his body.' Eliza said.

'Can he recover?' I asked, because that is the only answer I want to know.

'Can but will take time and need to have therapy.'

I felt alittle relived when she answered me. He seemed tired. Just moving alittle and opening and closing his eyes seemed to be taking about of energy out of him. He was trying to stay awake. He looked like he was fighting to open his eyes.

'Just rest Herman. Just rest. ' I said to him. Thinking that he needed it and we were all there for him.


My biggest regret ever. I'm haunted by my own words.


These are my last words and communication I've gotten from him.

He listened to me and closed his eyes while we discuss on the therapy costs since we believed it to be a stroke. We were startled by nurses and the doctors rushing to have him taken to an emergency operation/scan.


"He just admitted to our ward here. We did a scan for him earlier on and found out that there are bleeding on his front left portion of his brain where it controls speech. He now have internal brain bleeding and blood clot which may be due to a fall. Did you know whether he recently had a fall?"

No, no, no. We do not know anything about his life. Damn it, a huge wave of regret drowned my soul. I should have call him regularly, yet, I could not overcome my ego and pride that he will be fine on his own.

"Okay, because he seemed fine and able to speak with the nurses at the Accident and Emergency Department (A&E). Until he admitted here, he could not speak anymore. He seemed unaware at times. Now, we have to bring him up for another scan and admit him into the Intensive Care Unit (ICU)."

For a moment, I could not comprehend. So was it the fact that he had a stroke? Or the fact that he have blood clot in his brain? It could be resolved by surgical operations, right?

"He may or may not be able to make it, as the clot is quite big. I am sorry, I have to rush now to send him up for a scan."


Quoted from Eliza's blog as I'm in a gazed the entire time.

Because the doctor was in a rush to help him, he barely had time to explain what had happened. I was struck with an emotion i had never felt before. It was illiterately as though time froze. We broke down and it all seems so surreal.

Its too fast. I didn't have time to accept the divorce issues on the housing,etc nor did we settle anything about our arguments and worst of all, we drifted apart.


I locked my eyes on my father. still in his sleep while they pushed his bed towards the door.


It's unbearable for me to recall this feeling but let's continue.



A few hours later, the very same night, I received a call from the hospital. My heart pounced vigorously against my rib cage. Please be good news. Please be good news.

"The size of the blood clot increased. There might be a chance we need to proceed with a surgery. This surgery will drill a hole in his skull and insert a tube to the white fluid area to drain it out. With the fluid being drained out, there might be a chance for the swell in the brain to decrease and aid in recovery. Also, his sugar level in his blood is out of control and his diabetes is in the life threatening range. Your father's situation is not good, but we will try our best to do what we can. Will you be able to come back to the hospital?"

Time check: 11:40pm.


Quoted from Eliza's blog as the calls from the hospital have been receiving from her.

By then G and i were at his house while i rushed over to the hospital again. The sight of herman made me sick. It saddens me so much. He was in the ICU room. The room was like a cell with 4 walls with the glass doors for better observation. It was cold and oddly empty even though it was such a small and cramped place filled with machines.

Tubes from machines connected to my father's head,mouth and chest. A sight i have never imagined i would witness. That's because i was too young to expect this!
As he lay there, we spoke to his surgeon.

"To be honest, his condition does not seem good. We will still try to do what we can. Now, we need you to sign this and we will proceed with the surgery. It will be a quick one. One of the risk would be, if the blood in the brain gets too thick, it may clog up the tube. Which may need another round of surgery to clear the tube. He may or may not wake up, depending on himself."


They just keep saying that. He will wake up, alright? Just drain the fluid and he will wake up!

"Furthermore, he have infection in his toes. You know he had toes amputation right? Right now, we could not do any further operation to his toes infection because his body is weak. So, all we do is to keep the wound as clean as we can. Also, we suspect that he had a fall or an impact to his head."

As I tried to focus my visual onto the doctor's screen, his cursor pointed to a dent which indicated an injury to my father's front left of his forehead. Behind us, a few nurses are hustling around preparing for the surgery.

"However, we tried to find any bruises around his head, there was none. Unless, he had a recent fall, which may take a few days for bruises to show".


I remembered the scanned picture of his brain. There were clear sights of bleeding. We went home awaiting for the results throughout the night. So i fell asleep preparing to return to the hospital the next morning.


I was awoken by a call from Eliza the next morning.

"Yes, doctor?"

The negativity just poured in again.

The surgery went as planned and my dad is resting with medicines to keep him asleep. I understood that there was no way for him to wake up and feel the excruciating pain from his open wound at his skull and brain. He should rest. Let him be in the state of induced coma.

Basically, the doctor presented to us 2 options.

1) To actively save him -  If the blood gets thicker, it will clot the tube. When the tube is clot, the team will send him in for the operation again and insert another wire needle to un-clot the tube. The risks will be that there will be potential bleed from the newly inserted wire needle and even if he recovers, he will be living his life entirely on a bed. The cells in certain part of  the brain was damaged by the blood as no oxygen will be able to reach the cells. This being said, a huge financial commitment have to be set aside for life support care. (Which we are fucking poor, but the money part was not our worry at that point of time.) We could not think straight.

2) To let nature takes its course and he will slowly slip away.


She told me Herman's state. I broke in huge sobs that awoken gerald from his sleep. I sobbed for afew mintues and i know i had to compose myself. But how i stopped myself, i couldn't even remember the effort i had to put myself through.

I had to rush to the hospital even though i know i cannot do anything.



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What more can i do but pray?

So~ been having bad dreams and quite a low right now. I guess it's always this time of the year all things turn around to bite me again. It's a yearly process. But I always thought I had people to be around me when I'm bitten.

I've been in a terrible mood lately and it's all because of the monthlies usual pain.