best names in the nytimes this morning

valentin keller
& his wife, otilia

things that should not occur during intercourse:

1. billowing
2. fluttering
3. excessive use of the word "rampant"
4. feelings

tips on how to get involved in your community: #8

#8 - accuse people of being "chicken". maybe it hurts because it's true.

note: the more you get into the role of a grammar-school bully, the better.

featured dionsaur jokes

from enchantedlearning.com

Q: what does a triceratops sit on?
A: it's tricera-bottom!

Q: What did the dinosaur say after the car crash
A: I'msosaurus

Q: Why did the dinosaur get in the bed?
A: Because he was tired!
(thanks to sarah, age 6, anchorage, alaska)

Q: When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet?
A: When it's not raining!

Q: What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ?
A: A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!

these make me kind of sad:

Q: Why don't dinosaurs ever forget?
A: Because no one ever tells them anything!

Q: Where do dinosaurs get their mail ?
A: At the dead-letter office!


and now for my favourite joke on the entire site
(which was under "bird jokes", not "dinosaur jokes")

Q: Why was the chicken afraid of the chicken?
A: Because he was chicken!

i give you an A+ for consistency!

tips on how to get involved in your community: #5, #6 & #7

#5 - as much as i love people (people = hot, young, strapping lads with no shirt on) doing landscaping... community gardens are so lame that they really defeat the purpose. so, my advice to you is first of all, do not participate in community gardening. second, steal all the tomatoes. they are delicious and you will enjoy them, i just know.

#6 - if there is a person in your neighbourhood with a tail, encourage them to get an operation and become "normal". first of all, it is quite gross. and chances are, they are not nearly as helpful as you'd think. how many of them bark when there is a fire? or when a beloved falls in a well/mine/community garden hole someone forgot to fill? a tail does not a lassie make!

#7 - bark when there is a fire. or throw tomatoes that you stole from a community garden.

how to appeal to children in headlines

if you are sitting around wondering what i am doing

and you come to the delicious conclusion that i am drinking a gallon of green tea and watching a thousand episodes of perry mason ...



well you'd be correct. deliciously correct.

no fun, not even a little...

in the game of "what colour is the stuff i am coughing up", i am pretty sure electric green doesn't make me the winner....

unspeakably wicked conversation that might better explain why 'vaginal bees' is funny

chris & myself

"...and you can oogle my tattoo."

"i will oogle your rack."

"ha ha. my rack. you are so crass."

"you love it."

"it is true."
(beat)
"i am suggesting to kathleen...i do website fun for them if she makes little bees to screw onto the ends of my piercing."

"BEES! bees are awesome. except for when they're real."

"it's true. but they will be friendly cleavage bees."

"friendly cleavage bees is one of the reasons why i love you."

"because i am full of uncatchable diseases like cleavage bees?"

"i would use "and" in place of "like" in that sentence."

"well i meant..instead of crabs. bees."

"if you had crotch bees, i would not have sex with you. i'm sorry. 'ohhh baby. lemme put it in y--- OH GOD. WHAT IS THAT.' '[buzz]'."

[...]

"transhumanists believe in helping the evolution of certain animals. monkeys. of course. but you'll never guess the other one."

"BEES."

"WHALES."

"whales?"

"whales."

"helping them evolve! like..cyborgs. and encouraging them to adapt...changing them genetically."

"cyborg whales? i think we may have hit a new low tonight. vaginal bees & cyborg whales."

"i know. but i do not make this whale shit up."

unspeakably wicked boat names

(in the middle of discussing the drunk walk home last night. wherein a piece of my knee ran away with the pavement..)

me- i usually do fine. but i was towing amanda because she could not keep herself on the sidewalk.and her swaying just threw me.
chris - kaylen the tug-girl
me - toot toot

(i think it is a phenomenon of conversations with chris & i, and rhianna & i, that things quickly turn into a list. because lists are where the fun lives! as follows. aside from some particularly offensive ones, i've removed the person responsible for the suggestions. you can guess, if you like. ah, the value of guessing!)

ss L'il Pea
ss Pea
SS Covered in Bees
SS BUTTS LOL
HMS VAGINAL BEES
SS Ultimate Dislocation!
ss technicolour yawn
ss chickpea
ss chicks & peas
ss chicks, hms peas
ss goddamned room
ss fat ugly josef
ss big fat fatty
ss fatty mcfatterton
ss butt-pie
ss cracksniffer
ss 'caps & downys

(for those of you who don't know 'caps & downys' = 'people with handicaps & people with Down Syndrom... well you will just have to find out some other way.)

ss retarded lady
ss sexy retard
ss drooling fuck
ss fucksicle
ss teats
ss fuckstick
ss fuckstain
ss tit
ss cum-guzzling crotchfruit (just so you know this one was chris's...)
ss maaaarla
ss coatrack
ss napkin
ss sinking ship
ss we're sinking
ss oh my god we're all going to die
ss broken hull
ss titanic
ss i'm going to go cook rice
ss gumball dad
ss this is not a boat
ss ceci n'est pas un boite
(wait, boite is box)
ss whats the word for boat
ss in french
bateau
(chris thought the french word for boat was 'gateau' but that's actually 'cake')
ss ceci n'est pas un gateau
ss chapeau
ss non, chapeau
ss fightin' mary
ss move out tha way, haux
ss move bitch
ss haux
ss get out the way
ss boat
ss ants
ss ...... . . . (those are ants!)
ss ...
ss &

"in my elbow"

being completely smashed with a hangover today, i decided to gulp lifegiving fruit & tofu smoothie, and type random things into my search engine. not entirely random... bits of phrases from a little animation mollie and i made about 7 years ago. i was wondering if somewhere, it was still kicking about.

fun things that arise when you search for "in my elbow"


a) What You Didn't Know About Tommy John Surgery -- One College ...
As I watched the curve that I just hung sail over the fence, the only thing that was going through my mind was: "What is this burning sensation in my elbow? ...

(it is like a story all unto itself)

b) tow.com » blog » Ultimate Dislocation!
It was difficult to tell since there was a lot of swelling in my elbow area.

(ultimate dislocation...oh boy, is there any word "ultimate" does not pair up with to create magic and fun?)


c) The value of guessing: Releasing trauma in an injured elbow
Nine months after the accident, I still had only 30 degrees of flexion in my elbow, and could not straighten it all the way either. ...

(this is boring, i know, but i get the feeling i should be responding to people's annoying questions with "ah, the value of guessing...")

d) Brad Sucks | a one man band with no fans » health
To get the x-rays of my super destroyed right arm to take to the arthroscopic surgeon on Wednesday (maybe a detached tendon in my elbow!)!!! ...

(oh, brad....)

e) Testimonials
My L*Bo Aids are now part of my body, when the pain in my elbow subsides I push it down to my wrist, then if my elbow begins to hurt again, up it goes. ...

(..and when you're down you're down. and when you're only halfway up you're neither up nor down...)

f) Tommy John Rehabilitation
Do you think that the anchor in my elbow will be able to handle valgus stress???

(we're all praying like hell that it will.)

g) Tracy's April 2001 Web Log
Although knitting doesn't seem to aggravate the inflammation in my elbow, the numbness in my hand makes the activity unpleasant. ...

(knitting. knitting and whining. survey says: tracy is a square.)

i wanted to give you something nice:

..................... . . .




it is a little trail of ants! for you.
perhaps we are at a picnic.
i hope you are having a really nice time.
i certainly am, because i enjoy being with you.

variations on a familiar & favourite tune

big, fat brownie (dr. phil episode)
move you big, fat brownie,
get out tha way
get out tha way, big, fat brownie
get out tha way.

butt-pie (nanny 911 episode)
move butt-pie
get out tha way
get out tha way, butt-pie
get out tha way.

fork (random pleasantness)
move fork,
get out tha way
get out tha way, fork
get out tha way.

maaarla (brak show episode)
move maaarla,
get out tha way
get out tha way, maaarla
get out tha way.

haux (hoes - word variation by chris & i)
move haux,
get out tha way
get out tha way, haux
get out tha way.

BUTTS LOL (inside joke)
move BUTTS LOL,
get out tha way
get out tha way, BUTTS LOL
get out tha way.

sweet & sour chow mein (chris's lunch)
move sweet & sour chow mein,
get out tha way
get out tha way, sweet & sour chow mein
get out tha way.

ann coulter (republican)
move ann coulter,
get out tha way
get out tha way, ann coulter
get out tha way.

transhumanists
move transhumanists,
get out tha way
get out tha way, transhumanists
get out tha way.

bees!
move bees!,
get out tha way
get out tha way, bees!
get out tha way.

all i have to say about this israel mess...

BUTTS LOL

the many ways of pronouncing"hezbollah" featured on CNN this morning

michael holmes:
HEZ--buh-LA like it is a conga line at a party and everyone is invited!

becky anderson:
hesbo-lah like she is saying 'lesbo' with an 'h' and mild condescension.

matthew chance:
hzzb'lah like he is leaning over the toilet, opening his mouth, and purging. and purging. and purging. (reminds me of the night i experimented with cheap scotch & hi balls)

lysandra ohrstrom:
hezbollah like a disinteresting highschool student, timidly giving her whitebread report on erosion cycle. boring.

unknown male:
HEZbullAH like matthew chance's painful purging, only vomitted in speeds ten times as urgent.

unknown woman- karen? carey?:
1) hesbollh like she is serious, but generally not interested enough to even finish off the word.

2) hezz-bowl man. good shit. pass that around one more time? ....whoa...

aneesh raman:
hezz--bow--laa like he is practicing for his next boys' choir recital. staccato and well enunciated.

unknown male:
hezzbOHluh like the fonz would say with fingers pointed like pistols to direct the power of his coolness.

paula newton:
hzzbb- LAAH like it is being attacked first by bees & then the empassioned choir from Lord of the Rings.


what kind of bees you ask? probably not..... this kind!


ta da!

oh, man i love that picture...

the mc's who cried "hammer"

mc hammer concert would have been a treasure if it weren’t for the following:

a) a really long line-up that involved very boring local reggae band who didn’t spring for a dj and just wound up setting their mac up on a table. we tried to be groovy. or down with the hizzizzle.




b) mc’s who looked like rappers that would get their ass beat at rapper college. a sweater vest? kathleen pointed out the one looked like carlton. hee hee. neither of them realized it wasn’t okay to meet at the back of the stage and talk to each other and have whispered pow-wows between songs, and occasionally during songs. really, they looked like very bored babysitters. who kept pulling this “shout for mc hammer” routine. which worked against them, because we were expecting him after each time and were disappointed and delayed for hours. they were like the mc’s who cried “hammer”…

kathleen bored & me attempting to look bored but i miss my own eye rolling.



c) mc hammer has put on weight and obviously refuses to put on balloon pants. what the hell. why not? disappointing.



d) there was a strange man in a white track suit who accompanied him. who is that man? i do not remember it being mc hammer & co.


e) the fact that i was wearing killer heels and the floor was untreated concrete rubble. now that is enough to do it, but some woman ahead of me stepped on my second toe with one of her own killer heels. i had to limp home barefooted. still quite tender.

the upside? some funky dancing with kathleen while i could stand it. better dancing was to be had in the actual cowboys club the night previous to the concert. a steep $20 cover, but once we were inside… well, i have cleavage and that essentially means i don’t wind up having to pay for my own drinks. and boy was there drinking! and lots of dancing. though i am stilled baffled as to how to dance to cowboy music. ghettolicious i can handle.

another thing i cannot handle is the insistance of guys to grab me from behind and do that grinding dance, on into infinity-forever. one song, and that is okay. but i had to tell this particularly pushy fellow who also got exceptionally handsy, that i was actually enjoying just dancing by myself. i am such a raving loner. but i? i want to dance the way i want to dance. matching someone else for song after song is just dull. no matter how much grinding they are doing.

my lovely personal (very personal!) review of the calgary stampede '06

it’s difficult to enjoy anything for very long when you are subject to pounding sun & heat. both of these, factors in calgary. fifteen minutes and my “need nap” impulse flares up.

if you know me, you know how much i enjoy naps- but even moreso, how much i enjoy playing with gigantic animals and tiny animals alike. they are the loveliest of them all. so, true to every stampede experience under my belt, i got to pet a whopping lot of moo-cows, goats, baby pigs and etc. i also had the joy of picking up a baby chicken. you know, the little yellow sort who cannot escape very quickly. however, i only got to pick up a baby chicken, because i didn’t notice the “do not pick up the baby chickens” sign.


we got to see a playschool musical performance which butchered the old macdonald song into a variation that went:

“old macdonald had a zoo- shoobie doobie doo”

survey says? weaksauce.

they also couldn’t find anything better to rhyme with ”seven” than ”the baby kangaroo, whose name is kevin”. ha ha ha.

on the educational side, there was a for-kids learning station that was all about putting corn hats on children and doing some song/dance routine that seemed mildly too political for my personal tastes. i did note the really great wheel of crazy, ranging from “mild” to “extreme crazy!”




anything that insults children with silly corn hats makes me happy, in general. i could swear one of the adults told the child answering a question: “oh well you could do that- but you don’t have a crop this year, do you!?” hahaha.

in the agriculture center, a cowboy man broke off dried wheat and taught me to crumble itup,blow out the refuse, and chew the remainder until it became chewing gum. he was doing his “i am teaching you about corn” routine, and asked if i knew what made the wheat stretch out, etc etc, and i of course say “well….gluten” …he was mildly surprised. pleasantly so. but kept on.

also in the agricultural center, we found the same bin of canola seeds as has been there in previous years. holy cow do i love the texture of canola seeds! i do not see why they keep the tractor toys in there, though. it is just a bad idea. what kind of message does this send about canola farming?



there was also the indian village, which always makes me a little ill-feeling. not necessarily guilty: we all know indians who have land will not fail to name it something really lame. this is why they cannot have nice things. the art of naming is nothing to snuff at, people. moose jaw? ? you really are just crying out to the white man to take it away.

but i digress.

the indian village was mostly shut down. you are supposed to be able to go in and see the teepees. all of them had “closed” signs, and occasionally you could see a few injuns passed out or smoking crack inside. the few left outside were busy smoking meat for their weird, unattractive jerky. or dancing. am i the only one who thinks indian costumes are gaudy and generally horrible looking? i hate that tweety bird yellow they are so fond of. and beads? yuck.




conclusions:
a) cows are huge and great.
b) bison? huger and greater.
c) signs that tell you not to pick up things (things = baby animals), suck.
d) you can chew on wheat seeds and have it turn into gum (eventually) but it is nothing i would recommend if you happen to be very fond of your molars. and boy do i love molars! truly they are the most helpful of the dental collective.
e) indian villages are super creepy. just do not bother. and do not let them have anything that you do not want to be named something lame-ass.

my ideal turbo-charged human species of the future!

sure, the transhumanists would have you looking like this sad, weird-ankled chap:

CLICK HERE

survey says: weaksauce

now for my primo posthuman:

there are no words...

CYBORG DEMOCRACY BLOG


(i will write more when i stop laughing. because right now? i simply cannot)

tips on how to get involved in your community: #4

#4 protect local, domestic animals & wildlife from transhumanists.
squinty the bee says: only you can prevent whale cyborgs!

fun with transhumanism

FUN FACT!
transhumanists believe that certain animals should be encouraged to evolve beyond the realms of 'cool' that they'd reach all by their lonesome. mother nature? she is like the little miss mary muffin to the prehumanist mumra. you put the two in a room together with a monkey and let us just say there will be no muffins. if you are expecting muffins you are a fool! keep in mind this is a simile.

with the help of science and robots and raging everlasting coolness (or whatever else they believe in) these special animals will be engineered to blow other animals' minds in ways that would certainly blow yours.


FUN FACT!
i bet you were thinking "apes, right?" well, right. but i bet you weren't thinking "whales"
just goes to show the difference between our limited minds and the minds of transhumanists.



IN CONCLUSION:
a) whales... ha
b) transhumanists the equivalent of kids sitting down on the carpet in the playroom to voice hypothetical battles between action figures and santa. if this is what children do. i really haven't the foggiest...


PS:

...wait. wait a minute... now that i have exhausted giggling...whales...? how do whales even need to be advanced? they seem to do okay, if they can just resist mating with the propellor and business end of a ship...

if this bottle of wine was a human, i would pants it.

tinhorn creek gewurztraminer:

If this wine were human, it wouldn't wait for a special occasion to buy fresh flowers. It would listen to jazz in the car, full blast with the windows down. It would wear faded heans. It would meet up with friends-- in the hot tub. It would know that a sunny day is a good day--and that a sunny day with a good book is a perfect one.

This wine isn't human. But you are. So enjoy it with appetizers and spicy dishes. And always buy yourself fresh flowers

question time!
are you thinking of meg ryan?
good. 'cause no one does, anymore. except my mother.

a pdf full of designers' stickers?

+ me = happy

though i don't care for stickers. it is just...awesome

things that i would like to share

(inspired by nokia commercial which asks that very question)

. rhubarb pancakes.
. the hills
. my distaste for nouns turned into verbs
. my lunch. with you, because i like you.
. my rooftop
. my love of scales of 1-10
. knowledge
. my toothbrush. i should clarify... it's not that i would like to share it, but i am not a sort of person who would be disgusted if you absolutely had to brush your teeth... well, you know the story.
. the fun fact that my last roommate got a ragingly karmic case of chlamydia
. carbon dioxide. but only with plants.
. my limited understanding of spanish
. the number 22
. ampersands
. the fun & priviledge of feeding my fish, nixon. he jumps for treats! it is so neat.

you will like them! i just know.

tips on how to get involved in your community: #2 & #3

#2 if you are a young, stapping lad: do some volunteer landscaping. even if it is in your own yard!
as long as you are shirtless.

&


#3 encourage your young, strapping, twin brother to do likewise.

walls are what keep the goodness in

oh, girl...

please tell me why someone who writes about sex so often, cannot distinguish an "i know you" speech from a whopping load of horniness focused into the form of an "i know you" speech. it is painfully obvious to anyone who is not just desperate to be "discovered". pathetic.


‘It’s because you don’t let them in' he continued, 'that’s why. You’re a rock – you always have been. You’re always there for other people, you’re strong, you’re confident, you’re happy, but you don’t let anyone see the real you – the person that needs and deserves to be loved.’

1) you're a rock. (copious giggles) you are an i-i-i-i-iiisland

2) that is not insight of an old friend. that is a given. you can walk up to flippin' anyone and say that and they will burst into tears and mumble and whinge about getting hurt. we all have walls and frankly, that is just fine. if you do not have walls, you do not have an interior. and that is where the goo lives. the interesting goo that makes a good person a good, interesting person.

3) any guy that says "the person that needs and deserves to be loved."... has been listening to motivational tapes and should be kicked in the testicles. because he is not only lame as sin, he is just aimed at your pants. in the worst, lamest way possible. not everyone's tender interior deserves to be loved. everyone deserving love- anyone deserving love is a broiling misconception. you do not deserve love just because you exist. that is just stupidity.

4) (copious giggles)

5) if there was any question he wasn't trying to sap any kind of kink he could get, the conversation developed into questions about her sex life.

fun with conclusions!
walls = a-okay & fragility = blows.
if someone is telling you that you need to let people in- what they mean is let people (them) in(to your pants).

LP titles that are better than, but similar to, justin timberlake's upcomming FutureSex/LoveSounds

ThomasButtons/CoatrackMaaaarla
CrouchingTiger/HiddenMungBean
OldUnderwear/ToeRing
Yesterday'sWorldCup/KneeSockWhistles
IAmARock/IAmAnI-i-i-island
OldDaveEggers/AmbivalentNoises
AMinuteAgoHoldingKitten/CatHairUpMyNoseITotallyHateThatSneezes
PastRoommate/WishTheWallsWereThicker(and/orSheWeren'tSuchANoisyHo-Bag)
CurrentWeather/NewsReportAt5
ContemporaryRepublican/AnnCoulter

tips on how to get involved in your community: #1

call more people ho's.

now, if you are dating someone with a boring or much-too-common name...

... i suggest you phase it out.

pick a new one for that special someone. these are my personal recommendations :

totti
san francisco
gerard
lily-madison
sebastian
xerxes
beatrix
(as in beatrix potter. hee hee. and then you can make dirty mr. mcgregor's garden innuendos in bed)
buttons
coatrack
maaarla
Zinedine Zidane

all signs point to? oui

(*
FUN FACT!
i was almost named "columbia" because that is a family name for our womenfolk. apparently. or "emily" for no real reason that i know of. my name gave me hell, sure. but aside from those years i went by rebecca, i love it all the same. good call, mom and dad. good call.
*)

one whole bloody bottle

last night at dwight's zombie-a-thon, i brought a bottle of red. and being the only one interested in wine and not other tipsy bits, i wound up committing myself to it. the whole bottle. that is a lot, if you know what a delicate blossom i am with alcohol...

so, from the pit of my hangover, i tell you all: it feels like i have a stomach full of snakes & mongooses.

also, the thrill of getting dr.phil newsletters is wearing off.

best ways to go, says me

regarding the last post, apk01004 said...
And that's not all.

Her husband was dying of cancer at home and she decided that the best way to spend what turned out to be his last day alive, was just lying in bed, hugging. This is my public plea not to let that be the last day of my life. So boring

I want to go out like in Soylent Green. That's actually a pretty good movie.


now personally, i like the idea of throwing myself in front of a train. i dig the tolstoy way out as a concept. if you know me, you know how much i love russians. conceptually, check. anna karenina? a nice lass. reality? death, mixed with a big, raging, huffing machine. built by men. american men. hot, steamy patriots... or by that time, machines. but hey. trains built by (patriotic?) robots. come on. it does not get cooler. unless the robots are sculpted to look like steamy men.

so for a long while, i was in favour of trains. then kathleen suggested volcanos. volcanos. i mean holy crap. apparently you'd just blip out with the heat, instantly. that is nice. and preferable to freezing. if you know me, you know i'd rather be punched in the face than be cold.

let's see...what else the volcano idea has over the train... the volcano wouldn't feel bad about hitting me. machines do not have feelings unless they are patriotic feelings. no one would be late for work. sure, you say, but you are dead and they are late for work. what price, a good death? well, whoever says that, i can't help it. i am just a considerate sort of girl.

man.

throwing myself into a volcano. would i do it? you betcha. see how much the cancer likes that.

[ps-
a) hugging.
b) hugging=feelings.
c) feelings are boring. kissing is awesome!
]

in-mutiny-fertilization & such thoughts that follow

while discussing the way celine dion cries on the oprah show (that is, with her hands steepled to cover her nose/mouth- to what benefit i do not know unless she has had her hands genetically manipulated to absorb moisture. that is a good career move in my opinion) alex happened to mention oprah saying "miracle baby".

not, "it's a miracle, baby!" but rather, the baby is a miracle, "it's a miracle baby!" the baby in question: one of two (twins) conceived of a woman & her dead husband. dead, frozen husband. that's right, folks. in vitro fertilization. which would only be cool if it were not her husband but some kind of caveman they'd picked out from the ice. sexy ice. and decided to knock her up with cavebabies.

who wants the babies of a dead guy? i hope they grow up having to bear the weight of ten million 'dead baby' jokes.

alright. well, i do not know about you ladies out there. but i like knowing (supposing/thinking) that if i go, my 'making baby' bits go with me. down with the ship like good sailors. none of this jumping ship in vitro fertilization crap. as far as i'm concerned that is mutiny of the worst sort.

on the note of mutiny:
hamstravaganza! (a pirates! party) from one of my favourite authors.

do you know what i am tired of? the damn shuttle. CNN today. i've had a migraine in the works (i am just a delicate blossom when it comes to me and pressure shifts) and i spent a good portion of the morning on the sofa with coffee, migraine advil, and CNN.

but the whole time, the only thing covered were various aspects of the shuttle. how disorienting to see it take off, watch it go around, look at pictures, then go back in time and go into a detailed account of the takeoff... i hate horrible time shifts like that.

and i'm sure i was missing more than what they were feeding that little news ticker at the bottom. but by the time i would have checked, i was more than bored of the tv and my eyes were telling me:

kaylen, we do not want to hurt anymore and this is hurting us. hurting us both.

special guest

as promised, i will tell you (my gentle readers) about my special guest visitor.

you heard me right: despite my family and friends being far too detained/distracted to come out and see me, i am having a special guest visitor! i have never met him before which makes things quite exciting.

mystery=fun aplenty

it is a friend of alex's, whose girlfriend of 3.5yrs pulled a "we should see other people". when she actually meant,"i am seeing someone already". he walked in on her in one such a nasty situation. going back to my own similar experiences, i figured he could use a "get out of town" card to throw down at his whim. and what do you know, he is whims aplenty and will be in cow town around the 14th.

besides cleaning out the office room where i store my art material and paul stores his guitars and neat drums, i have dug up a list of really neat thing to do in calgary that do not involve cowboys. so without further distraction...

a list of really neat things to do in alberta that do not involve cowboys

1) Head-Smashed-In: this delightful place where there is a drastic drop in landscape. we're talking a perfectly perpendicular arena where crazy & inventive injuns used to chase buffalo off the edge of a cliff. the buffalo would plummet to their deaths and the bottom is absolutely swamped in buffalo skeletons. i hope i can bring back a buffalo skull. if you do not know as much, bison & buffalo are my favourite animals. virility, ahoy.

2) Lacome Corn Maze: self explanatory, i suppose. for the most part. not the part that consists of having to answer trivia questions to get yourself to the end. trivia = learning and it's fun to learn 'cause knowledge is power.

3) Glaciers : apparently there is a place you can go ride in a car with wheels as big as houses, over top of glaciers. this might be nice, if they are not planning to stick around very long. the glaciers i mean.

4) Shamballa: hippie festival rhianna, kathleen and i were planning to go to and laugh at hippies. i don't know about them, but i am definately packing a bottle or two of Fabreeze, and....does anyone have an AC/DC shirt i could borrow? i don't think modest mouse or decemberists would make much of an impact...

5) Mountains : the rockies. they are big.

a list of really neat things to do in calgary that do not involve cowboys

1) Snicker at Cowboys : just irresistable.

2) Zoo : which now features the elephant habitat construction site, covered in donated paintings from local schools. there is nothing funnier than paintings of exotic animals by chilren. ha ha ha. i'll bring a camera, give you pictures. you will enjoy them, i just know. also, the bike path outside my apartment, i think, leads to the zoo in some scenic route.

3) Series of Pubs/Bars : though other than ship & anchor, molly malones, broken city... i am not sure which ones. hi-fi might be interesting if anyone neat is playing. i am not taking anyone to cowboys this time of year. i do not like that place at all.

4) Bow River: playing in the river is fun. sure, it is fast and very cold... i think it may be illegal.

5) Festivals: folk fest- this would take care of five days, possibly. but neko case cancelled. i have already seen broken social scene. my enthusiasm has dropped to nada. global fest- funny ethnic bits. and i'm sure there are others that spring up.

6) Rooftop BBQ : my roof + company + etc.

sibling newsflash

my heart was bursting with pride when my brother claimed there would be nothing better than to graduate from the conservatory and work in Paw Paw, WV. simply for the joy of living in Paw Paw.


he is certainly my brother.

one thing that is maybe a little great and maybe in need of a little child-friendly editing

1) i am opposed to the term "googling" when you mean "searching the interweb". it takes the safari out of it and turns it into something horrible. "google" is a pretty terrible word and i prefer dogpile.com anyhow.

2) when you type/search "things that are great" into the google search box at the upper corner of the browser, it reveals a list of staggering boringocity. the single delight of this search turns out to be howtoons.

howtoons = a picture-based instruction manual for kids who want to know how to do/make very lame things. like stilts out of soup cans (not that stilts are lame. but they are basically soup cans taped to your shoes), a turkey baster flute (you know my thoughts on flutes), and something to make light bend around corners.


oh, and this gem.
"duct tape body building
Make instant muscles, make a sewing dummy, or just clone yourself using a roll of duct tape, an old t-shirt, and a pair of scissors. Be careful with the scissors."


also. pardon my snicker, but...

"Looking for that pay raise? Grow 6 inches and take the extra money you earn to buy new pants!"

ha ha ha ha...

originally celebrated, curiously strong delight for me

do you know what i found today, while cleaning out the office for my delightfully random, spontaneous visitor? (more to come on that soon).... well, i bet you haven't the foggiest. i bet you can't guess that i found a tin of altoids. because that's exactly what i did. i found a whole tin of altoids.

most of you do not remember my altoids days. it began in band, somewhere around 5th grade. most of you do not remember or even know that i played the flute (among other things- oh i should move this elsewhere or it will sound dirty. or i can enclose a message that would point out the 'ha this could be taken dirty!'ness but generally let you know that i am simply littered with bits of musical experience...) for a number of years. five. then i realized i fucking hate the flute. and band was for squares who only talk about band.

mollie and i used to stash altoids tins in our insstrument cases. i think this was because she played baritone sax and had reed breath after class. i just hopped on board because man, do i love altoids. so much that my parents, one christmas, gave me a whopping tin of them. this tin was the size of a small clutch purse that ladies carry. when it was empty (sad) i used it for a wallet for many a year. it was nice, because i could write things on post-it notes, or take phone numbers, and use little magnet words from a magnet poetry set (the outdoors/hiking version. do not ask why) to hold them in place. but eventually the jingling got a bit embarrassing. and it was very difficult to keep organized.

i used to get tins for christmas and the occasional occasion. but that trickled into nothingness the last year or so. finding this was a delight and reminded me 1) i love altoids 2) i hate the flute, but feel confident i can still do scales on one 3)tasty breath = manners. maybe even kissing.

(dinosaur comic quote time: feelings are boring. kissing is awesome!)

fun fact!
i do not have a clutch. i carry things that are much to big for dainty bags. i have a light blue bag with a pink, dirty, aubrey beardsley print on it. it is a little ethnic man running with his arms wrapped around his gigantic penis. which is really bigger than his entire torso. it is also surrounded by these odd lily shapes, so it takes a bit of squinting. most people have the following reaction "nice bag! .... oh my"

another fun idea for the zoo

i almost plum forgot to mention my fun experience in the gorilla area. besides the meowing, there was a time to be had when the usual khaki and polo shirted hippi girl came in with little presentation boards and monkey skulls and "which hand is yours and which is the gorillla's??" poster. i could tell we were in for learning, and if you know me, you know learning = great.

let me just say, before we get into this... the girl giving the speech was just obnoxious. man, i hate zoo personel. i told alex, unlike most zoos who take to hiring drug addicts and general dropouts, this one is full of very enthused greenpeace sorts. who probably go home, change out of their polos and khakis, change into identical khakis, keep the bandana in their hair and put on one of their various t-shirts depicting a favourite animal.

to introduce the gorillas, she began with the male silverback. some ethnic name like "kokuko" or "kimjari" or something. i named him jeremy. well [jeremy], she explained, has six girlfriends all of which he is loyal to. i raised my hand.

"oh you mean poly-fidelity"

"mm...yes!"

"well. in dr.phil's dictionary you look under 'poly-fidelity' and it says 'cheating' ".
(this is practically a word-for-word quote from tuesday's show)

of course she went on some bubbly rant about how that is the way gorilla's reproduce and keep from going extinct. like i have ever, even once, had any use at all for a gorilla.

other than this

the website that included the picture says:

" 'Mountain gorillas play an essential role in contributing to the positive image of Rwanda and act as ambassadors on the international scene by raising the profile of the country,' said Chantal Rosette Rugamba, head of the Rwanda Tourism Board."

raising the profile of the country. that is just not good enough for me and i doubt it is good enough for dr.phil. he is a discerning, little man.