This blog post is full of crap.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Actually, looking at others makes you feel fortunate. But it makes you feel useless and guilty at the same time. Mixed feelings. Useless because I could do nothing but just stare with tears welling up in my eyes. Guilty because I am there to deprive them an opportunity to stay on. Fortunate because I didnt have to go through all the agonizing pain they have suffered.

There are so many thoughts going through my mind at this time. Memories of Nanyang. Memories of the once youthful me, who was ignorant to my surroundings, to the people around me. Maybe, i prefer not to have grown up. Experiencing the different kinds of emotions and learning how to handle them. Wanting to help others, but engulfed in the fear of rejection. Learning to stand up from failures, but yet to fail again. Not once, but numerous times.

I guess I am starting to adapt to my new self. A more mature person, with the ability to become more emotional at times. The feeling of not understanding your own self makes you feel insecure.The feeling of not knowing what you want seems as though you are drifting on a raft in the middle of an ocean. The ominous feeling that everything wil go wrong makes you feel tired. Of life.

But I guess that's the reason why I am here. To learn. To give and take. To let go. To allow myself to experience highs and lows. To nurture myself into a stronger person. To understand that life is never going to be a bed of roses. Even when you are at your deathbed, you might still be worrying.

Silver lining in an overcast sky. Idealistic.