The whole world's looking for love. And sometimes i forget that i've already found my 'one', the one person to tide you through the difficult times, the one person to share everything with, the one who really knows you.

I sometimes only remember his shortcomings and not his strengths; what he's not done rather than what he's done. I'm sorry for that. I hope we will have a better year next year. There's so much more my heart feels but i can't translate into words.

Guess i just wanna tell him that i love him and i'll remember to forget, and i'm really blessed to have him. :)

:(

dont try, just cause im in a short skirt. dont. urgh.

well, maybe im just tired and cranky but today was.. i dunno. disappointing? kinda. we're different now, or maybe, im different now. gotta roll with the punches. thats life, dudes.

and, i missed you today.

just so pissed right now. why do i never get priority? you'll do anything for me, really? doesn't seem like it. isn't your girlfriend more important than your ministry?!?! whatever la. now even if you say you wont serve, it doesnt mean anything already. coz i "made" you do it. okay, whatever.

merry christmas to me!

Oh, Exams :(

Life's been pretty dull lately, as the title suggests. Exam stress= rough nights :( sigh. Five more days, I can't freaking wait! School life's pretty miserable, at least, for me. Am glad the sem's over. Hoping to start the next one in NUS; they're supposed to notify me like.. Today. :/

I just want everything to be alright again.

today is one of those days where i feel like giving up, not caring, just.. wanna hit the bed and cry my heart out, til i fall asleep out of exhaustion. :( i wonder if other people have days like this.

Sigh. What a day. I'm really tired, and tonight it just hit me.

What have we done? We've definitely made a mess of things.. I just wanna make it better. I want to be better. Better than her. To be above it all. But I guess I'm not. I'm just like that.

God, please make this better. I don't want things to be this messy.

on the first nov night.

I love you. And I'm really scared that you'll leave me. Tonight scared me, though you said many times you won't, nothing is certain. Please take my hand and walk me through this. :/

I'm sorry I'm imperfect, I'm sorry I'm selfish, but I just want you for myself.

Been a long while since I cried till I hiccup :( eyes are sore and puffy and I have a runny nose now. How attractive.

Overbearing parents. Story of my life.

I still feel hurt and so betrayed :( I'm sorry, I can't help myself. Its not easy living this way. I want to leave it all behind.. Somethings just remind me of this. And I don't really know how to deal with this, effectively. I don't like this nagging feeling that I'm maybe I'm just not your first choice. You couldve had it all, just not with me. And maybe I'm being hypocritical but I don't wanna be treated the same way as her. I hope I am special to you.

Sometimes it feels like I just can't win. A part of me hopes to not get the scholarship even, so I wont have to make the choice.
Anyway, Im really glad we sat down and talked tonight. Love you (:

I'm a pretty confused girl. While it feels nice and safe to have your parents provide for you, sometimes i just feel like i wanna stand on my own two feet. Like what they say, start behaving like an adult and people will treat you like one. So.. What do I want? I don't really know :(
Growing up is hard.

will it ever be okay? what can heal a broken heart?

i cant take a nap at this hour without memories of that sunday flooding back like a broken dam.

it hurts to know, hurts so bad. if only there was an undo button to life. but you only get one chance.

countless nights spent tossing and turning, thinking and thinking. and i haven't found a solution.

i want to get over it but forgiving is so hard.

it's just the UglyTruth.

): ): ): i don't even know what to say anymore. ):
i'm not even angry anymore. just.. you know, sad. i miss us. i miss the way we used to be. something's gone. i dont know what and i cant seem to get it back. i love you but something's different. what to do now? ): do you know how often i cry myself to sleep at night?
i really want you. i want us. i want you and me and nobody else. but somewhere inside me there's this rivulet of sadness and i dont know how to make it stop. ): im so tempted to throw in the towel, give up, but i really really want you. please tell me whats wrong. ): i wish i knew what to do. to make this stop, go away. i feel so alone right now.

so school's starting officially tmrw. dont quite know what to expect, really. aaaand i have a five-day week:( great if not for the one hr journey! oh well. will be buying textbooks and concession and whatever misc stuff by this wk. sooo im gonna be having 4 days worth of tuition and the only day i dont (tmrw) is also the day the bf has duty. sigh cest la vie! should be sleeping soon anyways.

Aren't all relationships supposed to be real? But how can it be, when they've barely scratched the surface? How well do you know me? Ain't it so weird to poke your nose into other people's business when you're not actually close? Maybe its just me but.. Nobody seems to really care.

I've just thought of the answer to how come you can make me open up to you. Its really simple, actually- you love me.

Annoyance




I don't know whats wrong. Small things like this just make me so mad I don't wanna talk to you. Maybe it's just me, but seriously? You didn't use to be like this, i guess thats why i'm mad.

A simple thing like replying my text. It takes you forever. So you expect me to call you just to tell you you've missed a text? What a feasible idea. Not.

Have you ever thought about the fact that however demanding I am now is because of what you've led me to become? You used to reply me Asap. Always the first to text me in the mornings. Always keep me in the loop of what you're doing, who you're with etc. What has it become of late? I don't know. If I don't ask, you're not telling me. I am sick and tired of this. If I don't text you I won't get one til damn late. I'm sorry but it's the small things that matter.

Shopping

with the boyfriend makes me addicted to such feminine stuff :( I'm not sure it's a good thing! Haha. Of cos, he is very happy.

and I am gonna be missing him the next few days cos of NDP >:( all his fault cos i'm so used to seeing him everyday (night). Oh well.

Can't wait for uni to start. Its been way too longgggg a holiday.

I want to watch SALT.

I hate camps.



Absolutely hate it ttm. From the running about to the getting sweaty and sticky and soapy and whatever else. Seriously. How is it fun?! Include the lack of sleep/ shower facilities/ comfort etc. I don't understand why people even like it? And don't expect me to just cos it's a "well-planned" camp and "so many people put it so much time/effort", blahblahblah. Nobody put you up to it. Right. My favourite part of the camp? On the bus to/fro sentosa, og htht session, and oh yes, LEAVING. (: I honestly don't feel I've "missed out" by choosing to leave after the 3rd day. So there was Initiation, Mass Dance and free flow food after i left. Big deal. Seriously?
I went to check it out and have no apologies for leaving halfway. Hate camps. I don't even mind being a loner.

First Year
I love you darling. Your uncanny ability to reach out and touch the very core of my being never fails to amaze and scare me. One year was all it took for me to give you all of me; my heart my soul my all. I feel like we've been through everything this year but yet I fear there is more to come. Let this moment be immortalized forever, that we may never lose our way back to each other.

Last night I picked myself up, picked up the shattered pieces of my heart. Told myself I had to stop thinking about it, no point crying myself to sleep every night. I wish you knew how much i hurt inside, and I think my letter conveyed a portion of that but the fact is, nobody else could ever know your pain. Convinced myself I'm overreacting to the situation. Am I? I don't know. I really don't know. Who am I to judge, after all? I wish I could never have knew it. I wish I could go back to where I was almost a year ago; someone who really trusted and admired you. I love you, but I wish I could say your love doesn't come with a price.

Birthday

I don't know why people call it Happy Birthday. Its 30 mins to my 19th and I'm not happy at all. :( Not that my unhappiness has to do with my birthday, but it serves to make it even more poignant. I'm feeling miserable and it's my birthday :( It should be the other way round actually: Its my birthday and I feel miserable. Yeah, I've become one of those people that go " it doesn't matter, it's just a birthday". But really, NO IT IS NOT JUST A BIRTHDAY?! it MATTERS. Really does. Just don't have the spirit to celebrate, and not that I have much to celebrate anyway. So, yeah. What can I say?

from my archives,

"ignorance is bliss.
once you grasp the faintest idea &fully comprehend its impact, your eyes are opened to the vices out there &you wish you'd just let the moment slip you by, to not bother to catch even a silver of it. but, its already too late, theres no heading back.
once youve allowed your heart, youre open to exactly how it feels, how tangible it is, how simply.. insane it makes you. all rationale plans youve arranged before just comes loose and unwinds right under your nose. nothing goes according to what youd wanted it to, but yet.. yet, it doesnt seem to be wrong. its not wrong, you argue, something that feels so right cant be wrong, you reason. nothing else seems to matter, it all fades into the background. it will take over &rule, itd be the only colour in your life.
&not being able to have it just feels like having your guts wretched &ripped &thrown away."
im actually quoting myself. i think i find me more interesting then. and more able to write.

untitled (oh the irony)

life's sad sometimes. and there's nothing you can do about it. accept it, move on, whatever. MUCH easier said than done. it just comes and haunts me every so often. or maybe i'm haunting myself with the thought. but, you don't expect me to put it behind and life goes on as though everything were normal? ):
i'm hungry. haven't had a proper meal today.
i wish i could stop worrying. sigh.

Oh God, where do I even begin? This feels so surreal, like its not happening to me. Except that it is. And I can't do anything about it. Whats past is past but Still. I know its nothing personal against me but I can't help feeling forlorn thinking that It Wont Be Me. You know. That it wasnt me. Of cos I would rather know the truth but it doesnt make it any easier to bear. I dont want to exist. I dont want to have to go through this. I dont want to have to bear this. Maybe its because nothing like that happened in my cloistered little world. Maybe Im molly-coddled, I dont know, but it just doesnt. I really never knew society's plague is so pervasive. Has it rotted out our entire generation before the age of 20? Sigh. I know all about forgiveness and acceptance and loving-the-sinner-not-the-sin kinda things but when it really happens to you? Its different. Everything changes. The world as you know it. The rug's been pulled from under my feet. I think of all the times we've talked about it, joked about it, and yet you let me believe that you were. I never would have guessed. Yet, I know its a thing of the past and you were waiting for the right time. How messed up is this. I need a bloody panacea for all this. Your past, My future, Intertwined. FML.

I know its a mistake, its a regret. But I hate that its a fact. It happened. Its true. What now? I dont know how to go forth from here. From where I am. I dont know what Im supposed to think of our ten months so far. I dont know how Im supposed to feel about our future. Nothing feels right. I dont know how to forgive you. I want to, but I dont know how. Im just a girl. Not even nineteen yet. Give me a break! Why do I have to deal with all this. I guess sometimes Ive got to grow up a bit. Stop thinking that everyones like me, stop being naive. Naive, is that what I am? Is that why its such a shock to me? Maybe I really am living in my own world. My world with unachievable standards and no compromises. Is it wrong to set standards for myself and the people Im around with?

But you. You're a decent guy. Thats the reason I said yes ten months ago. I trusted you. I loved you. And it feels like you've turned on me. Never felt lonelier in my pain.

simply because, i love you. i wonder if i'll always feel this way. gosh.
i hope you see this. and if you do, do rmb that you have access INTO the blog itself. there are some er, unpublished posts you can read. (if you want.)

1. miserable miserable miserable. woe is me and i dunno how to put it into words. ): neither do emoticons show it well enough. the point is, I AM SAD. my heart is bleeding. imagery sounds stupid. oh, fml. nothing is working.

2. i absolutely hate it when people say one thing and do another k? like, two conflicting ideas. i mean, shouldn't we mean what we say? and wasn't it just last week that you said you would make your words count? good as gold if im not wrong. im just annoyed that it seems like i dont even matter that much for you to change your mind so easily. also the crux of today's argument seems elusive now that i try to think about it in my tear-muddled brain.

3. what i really hate about arguing with you is that it gives me seeds of doubt. doubts about you, about us, about this relationship. im just worried one day i might sucuumb to them. this voice thats telling me to leave (my mom's?). point is, sometimes it makes me doubt if we have a future together. or if this is gonna happen time and again and holding on only prolongs the pain. sigh. why do things have to get so complicated. why cant it go back to where it was or how it was when we first got together. life was simpler then. more facades, more projected ideals, but less pain, less puffy eyes...

4. im lousy with problems. i have to admit, im not a natural problem-solver. nothing comes easy to me, and i tend to avoid problems. i meltdown in the face of problems. i cant take it, especially stuations where there seems to be no way out. if it has to hurt both ways. then im stuck. on the fence.

5. WHY DOES FALLING IN LOVE HAVE TO HURT SO BAD. is that why they call it 'falling'?!!

6. sometimes i just fantasize about walking away. shutting my phone off. just, leaving. disappearing from your life altogether. destroy all evidence of us ever being together. all i'd have to deal with is crying myself to sleep every night.( which is nothing i've never done before) although i'll never be able to look at you without breaking down. its just the opportunity cost that haunts me. the alternative, or what could have been. what we could possibly have: happiness, love, warmth. i cant deal with it with closed eyes. i'll miss you too much. it'd probably be better to just rip my heart out, and hurt less too.
remember i asked you a long time ago, if something unfortunate happened to me, would you move on? you said, i'd have to move on, though there would be one more person crying his heart out for you. well, if you ever asked me that question, my answer would always be that i'll never move on. even if i have to be alone for the rest of my life, i'd do it. i just can't. i'll never be able to handle another love, another relationship if i can't have it with you. with you, its either make it, or break it.

7. wish you were here.




7.

calorie count ):

Binged on Mac for a later dinner, ): probably shot over 1000 calories. Good thing I only had some 300 calories the rest of the day. But still. ): Want to lose some weighttttt.
On the other hand, I received my acceptance letters from all 3 :)) Really happy and excited but the decision making will kill me! Like seriously. FASS : duh. NUS, prestige. also, if i do get the teaching scholarship, i'd choose this. NTU comm studies: interesting! plus pretty good prospects. SMU biz: good opportunities! and quite prestigious too.
Am actually quite glad I didn't get NTU biz, cos I just put it as first choice for the sake of it. And it seemed a bit boring. Haha so now.. Guess I have some 5 weeks to come to a decision. :/ Major, major decision. I'm dying from too much choice..
And yipee! Its Wednesday :))))))

fun peace joy laughter

Some of the nicer photos from sat's barbeque. :)
p.s. I am so epic-fail. I only know how to use blogger, successfully. ):

((:

Omg love this.
"Be very careful if you make a woman cry because GOD counts her tears. Every tear a woman shed is equivalent to man’s sacrifices in life. The woman came from a man’s rib, not on his feet to be stepped on; not on his head to be superior, but on his side to be equal. Under his arms to be protected & near to his heart to be loved."

was just typing in the url of this blog, and it got me thinking- what do i actually mean? not without you? what DID i mean when i created it? who have i become since then? who am i now? questions, questions. and without answers, too. sigh... so tired. but so many thoughts.

i dont really know what to say here. i feel like the word shatter. im out of words. maybe discontented is the right one. i can describe my life in one word: discontented. i feel like im so far from getting anywhere in life. im asphyxiated by monotony, boredom that seem to encapsulate my world currently. there must be something more? aaah. need to DO SOMETHING.

well, to the guy in my life: thank you and i love you, for all that you've done to iron the kinks out of this relationship, and for all that you've done to ensure we are where we are today. you rock (:

once again, im left to miss you. baby you have no idea the magnitude, the intensity. every morning i wake up wondering whats gonna happen today? and the uncertainty floors me more than i let on.
SIGH results day tmrw. really really really have no idea what to expect. would like to sit here and pout all day but ive got tuition to give. ta world.

OH i have SUCH AN AWESOME boyfriend *sighs in contentment*

(happy now?! HAHAHHA)

once an oboist always an oboist? i wonder if that still holds.

givesmehope.com inspired

The night after confessing to feeling a shadow of doubt about our love, my boyfriend of six months hugged me and told me " i love you, and thats all that matters"

Just hours ago at a movie, he held me close and said, " i really do love you, with all my heart"

His love and perserverence (i can't spell!) GMH :)

I'm seeing my bf every night til Thurs (: MY LIFE IS AWESOME. HAHAHA.

But sometimes Im a teeny bit afraid that somehow, I'd change my mind. About everything we have right now. Wish I could say that, in my late teens already, that I am SURE I know exactly what I want. But thats not true ):
Relationships are complex. Are these three words able to stretch a lifetime? I really really want them to. But, Im just not sure of myself. WHY WHY WHY. :/ *mental slap*

Will go to sleep now. May tmrw be a better day.

Love/Miss

Its true. I've come to a point where even when you don't say it, I know and I know that you Love Me. Crazy, but true.
Had to to fight back tears when lousy things happen, and I really miss you.. A lot. I have a theory!

Why do we seldom say 'I miss you'?
Its coz when you say it, it becomes real. It evolves into something tangible, and then you start feeling all these thingssss. And it makes the week harder to get by. So we keep a lid on it, and our sanity by doing that.
No matter how much we banter, or argue, I know that you mean what you say, at the very end of the phonecall. (:
Every morning/afternoon I wake up, thanking God that I have you. (:

(I'm actually seeing you once in two weeks?! Or half a month?!!!)

Nowadays everyone but me is busy working, working. I don't know if I should be gleeful about it, heehee. I want to hit the gym, but something called laziness is holding me back. ): Awful.

Thought of the moment: Extensions! Not sure if I should get 'em!

Les Miserables

Why do I cry?
Disappointment, maybe initially. In you. (I'm sorry, I had to say it) Hand-in-hand was Anger. Then after that, perhaps indignance. I'm unjustly implicated. And after that I don't remember- fear, sadness, everything?

It was a stupid mistake; one moment's folly. Isn't the punishment way too severe!? It goes beyond just the surface- so what, screw ns, its just two years. Its not like that. Every man has his ego, his pride, I'm sure it will be tough, embarrassing, even humiliating when you hafta actually talk about it. When people ask. And then they judge you, even when they don't seem to be consciously doing it. A black mark, forever against your favour.

And I sure hope that you/I dont have to relay this to my parents. It might (actually I'm quite certain of it) spark the he's not good enough for you etc etc yadda yadda blah blah blah. You get my point- its not the conequence, but the cause. I'm sorry, my family is elitist. And unjustly so, too. They don't like the fact that I Have A Boyfriend. At least, she doesn't. Even if they(she) don't say it aloud, but they think it. Whats the difference. -cue eyeroll-

And if I can't see you this weekend. Sigh It Will Suck Real Bad. ):

Why did I think it(you,me,ns) would be Easy? Or Simple, even. I laugh a lot more, cry a lot more, hurt a lot more, get frustrated a lot more.

Stay Strong. What does it mean? To go through the week without dissolving into a puddle of tears? To have to put up a brave front? To "make the most out of it" ? Or by just surviving it cuz time will pass? I don't know, seriously. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel now. Just hope that tmrw will be a better day.

Happy Sixth Month/ Half Year Anniversary Sweetheart.

p.s. I have awesome hair now. At least Something has gone right today.
:/

:/

its only monday and, i cant wait for the week to go by. :/ giving tuition is so boring. the only perk is it pays. and i have free time. just feel so :/ :/ :/
gonna cut my hair tmrw! like finally :)

i always try to keep my life neat, fit things nicely, just so. arrange my time in blocks, so that its orderly. ( do i have OCD?) but somehow, things have a tendency to screw up. i dont know why! sigh. may this week be good, amen.

maybe its cuz i miss you crazy.

My (petty) feelings

Sweetheart i miss you :( field camp, sigh. NS, double sigh.
No use complaining that life's unfair.
Happy times dont last long physically, but they linger in memories. Memories that will keep you going when the monotony of life sets in.
When I rationalize in my head about you; about love and other intangibles, I think that I can put love in a box, fit it in neatly. But it doesnt last long. When Im with you, I find that it overflows, refuses to be stored away. Sometimes it overwhelms me; I just want to hug you and never let go- literally. Sometimes I feel so emotional (emo for short) I just want to bawl- and these bouts can hit me anywhere. In public, or where there's just us two. But I force myself not to give in, else Im afraid these tears wont stop like the torrential rain. My unlimited wants and such very limited time. When you tell me positive things, I just want to shake my head and cry and scream that its just so unfair. Or when you kiss my forehead, or put your arms around me, I just want to cry cuz it feels like you've reached the core of my being. And all too soon, you have to go. Again. ):

Sigh, why am i so emo these days. :/

Just because :)

"i want to be the girl you'd only ever have eyes for.
i want to be the one who makes you catch your breath
i want to be the girl whom you'd go all out for, anything and everything.
i want to be the one you are willing to spend time with, even if only for a fleeting second.
i want to be the girl you love just because, love in its purest form.
&i want so many things out of this life.. but i want these the most. "

Its a quote from myself. (haha) Sometime in Jan last year.
Just felt like posting it again. :) This time I want to tell you that you've met all my expectations and intangible targets even if I dont remember them nor have them all written down on a list! :D
Missing you is such a chore. ): It makes me sad. And emo, sometimes. Its so hard to live with you but its a lot harder without you. Miss you so much it hurts, sometimes. Sigh.

Did you know,

sometimes I prefer physically writing what I have to say than to type? :D

2010

HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS. :)

Am excited for the year ahead!! Are you? ;)

So, new years' eve was basically a simple dinner of pasta + bacon and a rented DVD at my place with the lovely boyfriend who gave me these!!

:) And not forgetting, the 'glass bottle' we got to put our new years' resolutions in!

Of cuz, we had to consume its contents first.. Heehee.

All in all, had a great time today :) Although our initial plan to picnic at the Botanic Gardens was thwarted by laziness. Haha!

Felt too tired for photos, so yea. Goodnight!