My life looked different a year ago. A year ago I still had a job (although that was moments from changing). A year ago I was living in Phoenix (although that too wouldn't last long). A year ago I was nursing a broken heart with no idea I was about to get kicked while I was down. Thankfully a warm hug, a big heart, a little brother was on a plane at the moment the final blow was about to fall. I finished unpacking my office just in time to get in the car and go pick him up. I'm not sure I would have survived those first few days without him.
I never anticipated the last year would look like it has. After catching my breath again, I headed home. All of my belongings in a small storage unit. I assumed I would wait a month or two before quickly stepping into a new place of ministry. But a month or two became three, and four, and six, and now a year.
I've traveled some. I've been with friends. I've lived in my parents' house once again. About half of that time I lived with them. We had the blessing of sharing some life together before they moved back to Africa, and Whitney to Georgia for school, and me to...well we still don't know.
Some things began to change in December. As unemployment compensation was drawing to a close and my parents prepared to fly off to the other side of the world. I started finding more and more chances to serve. I started preaching in some churches in the area. I helped dig a nearby county out of despair after being struck by unbelievable disaster. I married off that brother who had come to rescue me from despair. I buried a friend who had loved me faithfully all the years I had known her. I preached to some youth. I began to interview with more churches. I continued to seek what might come next. And as the year comes to a close I am beginning to see some clarity.
Yet, I still look back and wonder what lessons were to be learned. I've learned much, but fear I've missed many of them. Why did I have to watch love come and go so painfully? Why did I have to be so quickly removed from a position that still showed such promise? Why the occasional struggle with families? Why the loneliness? Why the need to say goodbye? Why the continued residual memories? Why did community not survive the changes?
I'm not sure I always learn the lessons in progress. I guess I'm not clever enough to pick up on it in the moment. Often it pops up though. It's like that joke that takes you a few moments to catch and laugh at. It's like the twist in the movie that doesn't sink in until the credits role.
I'm still learning lessons from the year before. I wish I'd been a better friend. I wish I'd been a better pastor. I wish I'd been a better coworker and employee. I wish I'd loved more boldly. I wish I'd taken more risks. Perhaps I will do those better over the next year.
I have survived that terrible 24 hours of a year ago. The scars aren't gone but they are fading. At times the hurt still lingers, but it also makes me hopeful for the future. It allows me to walk with more wisdom and insight as I pursue the next adventure. It allows me to guard my heart yet long for the chance to love and be loved.
A few themes have popped up in my recent sermons. One of those is that the life of following Christ is not an easy one. I'm not trying to attach my last year to some type of spiritual warfare. I'm only saying that there are many out there who teach that the life of Christ is free from difficulty. I wish they would wake up and smell the roses. I hope to get better at living my life authentically.
An old friend smacked me around on that issue not so long ago. She shared with me that she only remembered moments where she thought she had truly seen "me." I told her that I hoped that tendency of years ago had begun to pass. Now I'm still no open book. It still takes some work to get into the depths of Chad. Many never make it, most are glad they didn't. But I hope that my life looks real. I hope that my faith looks real. I hope that my life of ups and downs and joys and pains are visible to those I seek to pastor. I hope they can recognize that this life is full of all of these. The difference for us is not that we avoid these things, it is that we recognize that even in the midst of pain, and struggle, and doubt there is hope. There is hope for the future; there is hope for today. There is hope we will make it, and not just make it, but thrive through it.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Dream...
I had a dream the other night. I dream pretty frequently. Usually I can't recall them though. I often forget what they're about soon after waking up.
This one was mighty vivid though. And I'm still holding on to bits of it.
I was back in Ethiopia. The city had changed alot so I couldn't remember how to get around. The people living there had changed. My bosses were there. I was hanging out with them in a new house. But there were lots of other people around I didn't know. I was meeting new people. Seeing new faces. Talking about my time there. It was an interesting time of feeling good and effective and valuable.
I was making plans to go visit two families that live there just before I woke up.
On that side of the world they tend to believe that dreams carry great meanings. Mine are usually quite scattered and crazy and I honestly hope rarely mean anything.
This dream was really nice. I miss that place. I love that place. I long for a day I can return and visit. I would love the opportunity to see my good friend there marry in August.
But now, I wait. I wait to see what life holds next. I wait to see where I will serve next. I wait to see what God dreams for me. I hope I am faithful to recognize his dreams; to listen to his dreams; to follow his dreams.
This one was mighty vivid though. And I'm still holding on to bits of it.
I was back in Ethiopia. The city had changed alot so I couldn't remember how to get around. The people living there had changed. My bosses were there. I was hanging out with them in a new house. But there were lots of other people around I didn't know. I was meeting new people. Seeing new faces. Talking about my time there. It was an interesting time of feeling good and effective and valuable.
I was making plans to go visit two families that live there just before I woke up.
On that side of the world they tend to believe that dreams carry great meanings. Mine are usually quite scattered and crazy and I honestly hope rarely mean anything.
This dream was really nice. I miss that place. I love that place. I long for a day I can return and visit. I would love the opportunity to see my good friend there marry in August.
But now, I wait. I wait to see what life holds next. I wait to see where I will serve next. I wait to see what God dreams for me. I hope I am faithful to recognize his dreams; to listen to his dreams; to follow his dreams.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Endurance...
Spoke at a DNow this weekend. Been a couple years since I've been a part of a weekend like this. It was fun...tiring, but fun.
The topic for the weekend was endurance. The youth pastor really wanted to combat this reality that so many students/young adults abandon church and their faith. I shared with them that it seemed to me there were two primary reasons for this. The first is the fault of those that mentor them or journey ahead of them. We must be communicating faith as irrelevant or childish. They seem to embrace it when they're young. They rush back when they have kids. What is it about those years in between that make God seem so out of touch with where we are?
The second has to do with the fact that the journey isn't always pretty. So many TV preachers give us the idea that faith is a joy ride. Well where the hell is the joy ride? I feel like this topic fit my life. Some days all I feel like I'm doing is holding on. Other days I've let go completely and chosen me over God. It's not always a great ride.
Many days it's hard. Many days in the last 5 years I find myself sitting and wondering where God is. In my head I know God is still right beside me, but I sure wish I had some evidence of God's presence. I start to get frustrated - with God, with myself, with the world around me.
As I taught this weekend, I found myself on the stories in the Bible that look more like mine than I often want to admit. Moses started with an amazing call but when through hell before getting the people to the edge of the Promised Land. Joseph has a mighty dream. The next few years aren't so pretty - beat up, sold, falsely accused, imprisoned. Only to end up the number two man in Egypt. David was called out by Samuel. He would one day lead the people of God rather than the sheep of his father. But he spent the next 13 years hiding from Saul in caves.
How much easier would it have been for all of them to quit? How much easier would it be for us to quit? But what about the end game? What about the call place on our lives and in our hearts? God has created us to do mighty things. If we don't fight through the "middles" we never make it to the dream.
God's dreams for me are even greater than my own!!
He will continue the work he has begun in me!
The topic for the weekend was endurance. The youth pastor really wanted to combat this reality that so many students/young adults abandon church and their faith. I shared with them that it seemed to me there were two primary reasons for this. The first is the fault of those that mentor them or journey ahead of them. We must be communicating faith as irrelevant or childish. They seem to embrace it when they're young. They rush back when they have kids. What is it about those years in between that make God seem so out of touch with where we are?
The second has to do with the fact that the journey isn't always pretty. So many TV preachers give us the idea that faith is a joy ride. Well where the hell is the joy ride? I feel like this topic fit my life. Some days all I feel like I'm doing is holding on. Other days I've let go completely and chosen me over God. It's not always a great ride.
Many days it's hard. Many days in the last 5 years I find myself sitting and wondering where God is. In my head I know God is still right beside me, but I sure wish I had some evidence of God's presence. I start to get frustrated - with God, with myself, with the world around me.
As I taught this weekend, I found myself on the stories in the Bible that look more like mine than I often want to admit. Moses started with an amazing call but when through hell before getting the people to the edge of the Promised Land. Joseph has a mighty dream. The next few years aren't so pretty - beat up, sold, falsely accused, imprisoned. Only to end up the number two man in Egypt. David was called out by Samuel. He would one day lead the people of God rather than the sheep of his father. But he spent the next 13 years hiding from Saul in caves.
How much easier would it have been for all of them to quit? How much easier would it be for us to quit? But what about the end game? What about the call place on our lives and in our hearts? God has created us to do mighty things. If we don't fight through the "middles" we never make it to the dream.
God's dreams for me are even greater than my own!!
He will continue the work he has begun in me!
Sunday, February 01, 2009
Winter Storm 2009...
I live in a place where we used to joke about how easily school got canceled. If there was a prediction of snow - school was canceled. So I have learned to take weather predictions somewhat with a grain of salt.
So when I got told an ice storm was coming, I assumed we would get some ice, have some slick roads and maybe even lose power for a bit. I never expected this.
The weather hit Monday night. Tuesday when I woke up I had no power. There is still no power. The phone lines have been down. Cells have been down. They are saying power may be restored to my parents' house in a month. It looks nasty here.
Have you ever seen the path of destruction left by a tornado? Take away the houses that are gone or blown down. Imagine the trees crushed and thrown everywhere; power lines down. That is what it looks like hit all of western Kentucky. There is no path of destruction - it is everywhere.
I saw a pastor friend yesterday cleaning in his yard. Some tree removers had been to his house to look at the damage done when his 100 year old oak tree fell on his storage building. They make their money traveling and helping out in situations like this. They told him that it looks as if 5 hurricanes have blown through our area.
I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it myself. It is pretty crazy. But we're safe. Life is starting to return to normal with some glitches of course. Took my first hot shower today that I have had in a week so all is fine.
We would all appreciate your prayers. It has been declared a national disaster area. FEMA is here. National guard, power companies, police, EMS, fire personnel, etc., are working around the clock to try and repair all that has happened.
Here is a pic or two.
http://picasaweb.google.com/cmorreau/WinterStorm2009?feat=directlink
So when I got told an ice storm was coming, I assumed we would get some ice, have some slick roads and maybe even lose power for a bit. I never expected this.
The weather hit Monday night. Tuesday when I woke up I had no power. There is still no power. The phone lines have been down. Cells have been down. They are saying power may be restored to my parents' house in a month. It looks nasty here.
Have you ever seen the path of destruction left by a tornado? Take away the houses that are gone or blown down. Imagine the trees crushed and thrown everywhere; power lines down. That is what it looks like hit all of western Kentucky. There is no path of destruction - it is everywhere.
I saw a pastor friend yesterday cleaning in his yard. Some tree removers had been to his house to look at the damage done when his 100 year old oak tree fell on his storage building. They make their money traveling and helping out in situations like this. They told him that it looks as if 5 hurricanes have blown through our area.
I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it myself. It is pretty crazy. But we're safe. Life is starting to return to normal with some glitches of course. Took my first hot shower today that I have had in a week so all is fine.
We would all appreciate your prayers. It has been declared a national disaster area. FEMA is here. National guard, power companies, police, EMS, fire personnel, etc., are working around the clock to try and repair all that has happened.
Here is a pic or two.
http://picasaweb.google.com/cmorreau/WinterStorm2009?feat=directlink
Friday, November 21, 2008
A village...
I was able to spend a couple of weeks traveling through Texas recently. As I've written on here before I always love the chance to travel and reconnect with old friends. Again it was a great blessing. This journey I was able to see some people I have never seen in the US before. It is strange how time overseas affords you relationships that have never existed here. Great chance to reconnect now on this side of the pond.
I also had the joy of meeting some people I had never met before. Callie is almost 17 months old and cute as can be. It took us a while to buddy up. I got up for breakfast on the first day Callie and I would become friends and she was a bit hesitant. I had breakfast with her mommy and she wasn't moving too far from mom's grasp originally. After I finished breakfast though she journeyed closer. She sat on the kitchen table as I sat in the chair; our faces were only a few inches apart and she checked me out.
We started pointing out facial features. "Nose...eyes...mouth...hair...ears...ears...ears..." She was stuck on my ears for some reason. She would lean right and look at my left ear. Then she would reach out and tug on it a bit. Then she leaned left to see my right one. For about 30 minutes we went back and forth and stared at one another. She would pull my ear and then I would pull hers. She pulled the other ear and I pulled back.
Didn't take long until I was in love.
I love children. I love their joy at little things. I love their curiosity for new things. I love their committment to grabbing your attention.
Callie and I played a game together. It started when she tripped the first time. I said, "Upsy-daisy." She laughed and stood back up...and fell down again, but this time it was on purpose. We would play the game for several minutes. She fell down, usually on purpose, and I said, "upsy-daisy." Then anytime she lost my attention for a few moments to the television or another conversation, she would fall down again and work to mumble out "upsy-daisy." It was precious. She is a beautiful little girl.
She broke my heart once. On the morning I was to leave I made her cry. She wanted to play with my cell phone and I told her "no." She didn't like "no" much. She burst into tears and ran to mommy. I wanted to cry. Her parents said, "She needs to learn she doesn't always get her way." I said, "Not from me. I'm supposed to be the guy that lets her do whatever she wants and then gives her back to you guys to deal with." I wanted to be the "cool uncle."
When I spent last Friday with Jackson he was barely two days old. I was actually with him as he crossed the 48 hour mark. I showed up at the hospital Friday morning and waited until mom and baby were ready for visitors. I finally went back to the room to join mom, dad, Jackson, and one set of grandparents. I became family. I helped pack and waited on nurses and went to buy lunch. As they fitted little Jackson for his car seat I snapped pictures as grandpa had slipped out of the room. As we led Christy down towards the car I took more pictures of a beautiful new mother with a precious new baby in her arms.
We got to the car and I took the video camera from dad as I took video and pictures simultaneously - camera in one hand and video camera in the other. Mom was so clearly filled with joy. Dad was obviously amazed and anxious. Grandma was proud and excited. And I watched. I was so overjoyed, but jealously longed to feel their feelings rather than those of the outsider. But at the same time, I was no outsider.
I walked with them as they met and dated. I stood beside them as they married. I prayed with them as they journeyed to Paris and Thailand. I even visited and watched them work in Paris. I told Grandma that I had worked so hard to convince Jason and Christy to get pregnant before they married five years ago. I was leaving the country soon after and wanted so badly to see their baby before I left. Not sure she thought it was very funny. I really was joking...sort of.
And yet five years later they have Jackson. I am no father to Jackson or to Callie; I'm not even an actual uncle. They make me look forward to the day I will have my own children. But until that day, I will commit to love those children as my own. I will consider it a great honor to stand beside my friends as they begin to have children. If they will have me, I will be a part of their village, because I believe that it takes a village to raise a child.
I also had the joy of meeting some people I had never met before. Callie is almost 17 months old and cute as can be. It took us a while to buddy up. I got up for breakfast on the first day Callie and I would become friends and she was a bit hesitant. I had breakfast with her mommy and she wasn't moving too far from mom's grasp originally. After I finished breakfast though she journeyed closer. She sat on the kitchen table as I sat in the chair; our faces were only a few inches apart and she checked me out.
We started pointing out facial features. "Nose...eyes...mouth...hair...ears...ears...ears..." She was stuck on my ears for some reason. She would lean right and look at my left ear. Then she would reach out and tug on it a bit. Then she leaned left to see my right one. For about 30 minutes we went back and forth and stared at one another. She would pull my ear and then I would pull hers. She pulled the other ear and I pulled back.
Didn't take long until I was in love.
I love children. I love their joy at little things. I love their curiosity for new things. I love their committment to grabbing your attention.
Callie and I played a game together. It started when she tripped the first time. I said, "Upsy-daisy." She laughed and stood back up...and fell down again, but this time it was on purpose. We would play the game for several minutes. She fell down, usually on purpose, and I said, "upsy-daisy." Then anytime she lost my attention for a few moments to the television or another conversation, she would fall down again and work to mumble out "upsy-daisy." It was precious. She is a beautiful little girl.
She broke my heart once. On the morning I was to leave I made her cry. She wanted to play with my cell phone and I told her "no." She didn't like "no" much. She burst into tears and ran to mommy. I wanted to cry. Her parents said, "She needs to learn she doesn't always get her way." I said, "Not from me. I'm supposed to be the guy that lets her do whatever she wants and then gives her back to you guys to deal with." I wanted to be the "cool uncle."
When I spent last Friday with Jackson he was barely two days old. I was actually with him as he crossed the 48 hour mark. I showed up at the hospital Friday morning and waited until mom and baby were ready for visitors. I finally went back to the room to join mom, dad, Jackson, and one set of grandparents. I became family. I helped pack and waited on nurses and went to buy lunch. As they fitted little Jackson for his car seat I snapped pictures as grandpa had slipped out of the room. As we led Christy down towards the car I took more pictures of a beautiful new mother with a precious new baby in her arms.
We got to the car and I took the video camera from dad as I took video and pictures simultaneously - camera in one hand and video camera in the other. Mom was so clearly filled with joy. Dad was obviously amazed and anxious. Grandma was proud and excited. And I watched. I was so overjoyed, but jealously longed to feel their feelings rather than those of the outsider. But at the same time, I was no outsider.
I walked with them as they met and dated. I stood beside them as they married. I prayed with them as they journeyed to Paris and Thailand. I even visited and watched them work in Paris. I told Grandma that I had worked so hard to convince Jason and Christy to get pregnant before they married five years ago. I was leaving the country soon after and wanted so badly to see their baby before I left. Not sure she thought it was very funny. I really was joking...sort of.
And yet five years later they have Jackson. I am no father to Jackson or to Callie; I'm not even an actual uncle. They make me look forward to the day I will have my own children. But until that day, I will commit to love those children as my own. I will consider it a great honor to stand beside my friends as they begin to have children. If they will have me, I will be a part of their village, because I believe that it takes a village to raise a child.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
30...
I don't remember how old I was when I first told a friend that if I reached 30 and was still single I was going to adopt a kid. When I said it I really wanted to be a dad; still do. But I also thought 30 was forever away. It was like one of those possible, impossibilities; how could I reach 30 and still be single. It didn't fit my plans. By 30 I would be married and a father of a couple kids, at least. I would be pastoring a church and moving up the church leadership ladder.
A week and a half ago 30 came and went. At 30 I'm single and unemployed and living at my parents again. I have no idea what is coming next in life. I have no idea where I'll live next, or what my next job will be. I have no clue when I'll marry or who it may be. I'm sure not where I planned to be at age 30.
People have asked and I'm sure will continue to "Where do you see yourself in 5 years." I don't know how to answer that question, because I sure didn't see myself here 5 years ago.
It is disappointing to be "here" sometimes.
As I made my plans to be a father and a husband and a pastor, I also never planned some other things. I never planned to live in Africa. I never planned to meet my best friends at seminary. I never planned trips to Turkey, or Egypt, or Yemen, or Zambia, or Tanzania, or Paris. I never planned my parents would live in Africa as missionaries. I never considered pastoring college students in Arizona. I never planned to meet and spend parts of life with some of the incredible people I've met. I never planned to touch some of the lives I've touched, or to have my life impacted by so many people. I never planned to hurt so much. I never planned to learn so much.
Sure, I would give back some of the heartache. But I would never give back the lessons I've learned nor the ones I'm continuing to learn.
In a short 30 years I've lived more life than I could ever have dreamed. Some of my plans have been delayed and even changed. But the replacements have been well worth the adventure!!
A week and a half ago 30 came and went. At 30 I'm single and unemployed and living at my parents again. I have no idea what is coming next in life. I have no idea where I'll live next, or what my next job will be. I have no clue when I'll marry or who it may be. I'm sure not where I planned to be at age 30.
People have asked and I'm sure will continue to "Where do you see yourself in 5 years." I don't know how to answer that question, because I sure didn't see myself here 5 years ago.
It is disappointing to be "here" sometimes.
As I made my plans to be a father and a husband and a pastor, I also never planned some other things. I never planned to live in Africa. I never planned to meet my best friends at seminary. I never planned trips to Turkey, or Egypt, or Yemen, or Zambia, or Tanzania, or Paris. I never planned my parents would live in Africa as missionaries. I never considered pastoring college students in Arizona. I never planned to meet and spend parts of life with some of the incredible people I've met. I never planned to touch some of the lives I've touched, or to have my life impacted by so many people. I never planned to hurt so much. I never planned to learn so much.
Sure, I would give back some of the heartache. But I would never give back the lessons I've learned nor the ones I'm continuing to learn.
In a short 30 years I've lived more life than I could ever have dreamed. Some of my plans have been delayed and even changed. But the replacements have been well worth the adventure!!
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Family...
This week I was reminding of the blessing of family. Somehow last Sunday, Ike regained strength hitting Western Kentucky. They say winds were in the 40 to 50 mile range with gusts of 60 to 75 miles per hour.
Most of the damage right around us was minor. Some lost houses because trees landed on them; my grandparents lost half of their barn; we lost some trees and just a bit of old siding. The tough part for us and for thousands in the area was the loss of electricity. Our power went out Sunday morning and didn't come back until sometime Tuesday afternoon. We were surprised to get it back because we had been told it would be Wednesday at the earliest. Also over 3,000 customers provided by our power company still had none as of Tuesday night.
So Sunday we worked about half a day trying to clean up. Then we went to my grandparents' house. For the next two nights we stayed there. We shared large meals and lots of laughter. It was like the holidays. My cousins and I used to joke that we only saw one another on Christmas and Thanksgiving. The truth is, we were pretty close and those were the only guaranteed meetings of all the members of the family.
Now it is true. We only all get together at Christmas. And with my overseas travel and my families, this year will be the first time since 2003 that we have all been together.
We weren't all together this week, but several of us were there. It was nice to sit together at the same table. It was nice to share stories and share food. It was nice to play with babies and give hugs. It was nice to be family.
For the most part I have spent the last 10 or 12 years away from family. It makes each reunion more of a blessing. This week was a blessing disguised as a damaging storm. I only hope others were allowed to experience some blessing in the midst of the storm.
Most of the damage right around us was minor. Some lost houses because trees landed on them; my grandparents lost half of their barn; we lost some trees and just a bit of old siding. The tough part for us and for thousands in the area was the loss of electricity. Our power went out Sunday morning and didn't come back until sometime Tuesday afternoon. We were surprised to get it back because we had been told it would be Wednesday at the earliest. Also over 3,000 customers provided by our power company still had none as of Tuesday night.
So Sunday we worked about half a day trying to clean up. Then we went to my grandparents' house. For the next two nights we stayed there. We shared large meals and lots of laughter. It was like the holidays. My cousins and I used to joke that we only saw one another on Christmas and Thanksgiving. The truth is, we were pretty close and those were the only guaranteed meetings of all the members of the family.
Now it is true. We only all get together at Christmas. And with my overseas travel and my families, this year will be the first time since 2003 that we have all been together.
We weren't all together this week, but several of us were there. It was nice to sit together at the same table. It was nice to share stories and share food. It was nice to play with babies and give hugs. It was nice to be family.
For the most part I have spent the last 10 or 12 years away from family. It makes each reunion more of a blessing. This week was a blessing disguised as a damaging storm. I only hope others were allowed to experience some blessing in the midst of the storm.
