Worst of Times, Best of Times

I stopped blogging in May of 2020, and just started blogging again by recounting the biggest event in my life of the last several years…

To be honest, I don’t think much happened of note between May 2020 and when Paul died in January 2024.  So I’ll just start from there. 

After Paul passed away, I had to come to grips with the fact that I was now alone.  After you get past the initial shock of loss, you have to start formulating a way forward. 

I decided to use my own mother as an example of WHAT NOT TO DO after you lose your spouse.  My dad died in 2007, after which, my mother curled up and died…figuratively.  She was only in her mid-70’s (which is only a few years older than I am now), but she really had no life except for her dogs.  She sat in her house and watched TV.  I think she had been experiencing the early stages of dementia, but then her memory loss really started to accelerate.  It wasn’t too long before I had to place her in an assisted living facility for her own safety and that of others, because she was still driving.  And she was a menace on the road, believe me.

She seemingly didn’t have much purpose, other than ruminating on how unfair life was.  So she spent most of her time bitching and moaning about everything to anyone who would listen.  That was usually just me, because she alienated everyone else, including my brother.  She was miserable but I honestly think she relished her misery. 

SO...I decided that was not going to be my life.  I was going to make my life as a single person as happy and fulfilling as I could make it. 

The first part of that process was realizing that I didn’t have to ask anyone for their input or “permission” to do anything.  Paul never told me I couldn’t do anything, but of course as a married couple, you make decisions together.  Where to go, what to do, what to spend money on, when to do anything. 

I guess you can say that life after loss is a dichotomy.  It is freedom with seemingly contradictory qualities.  Charles Dickens put it best, I think…“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”

There's darkness.  You just lost your person, your soulmate.  You’re adrift without him, yet there is so much to take care of.  The funeral, military internment, dealing with probate, paying bills, and especially getting maintenance and repairs done to the house.  Paul was the one who used to get all that stuff done, he had all the contacts.  But now you're doing it all alone.  That’s the absolute worst of times.

Later, after your shock and grief subside a bit, you start to see the possibilities of living a life so different from anything you ever imagined previously.   The light starts to creep back in.  That “can be” the best of times.   You just have to be open to the good things that the future might hold.

I've had some really good things happen to me in the past year and a half.  So I'll write more about those things soon...

An Experiment

Hard to believe I haven't posted in over 5 years! So this is an experiment to see who, if anyone, is still out there and might want to read this little blog. I'm not sure why I started thinking about Grace Notes. It may be because I have time to think about a lot of random stuff these days. 

I had trouble logging in, thank goodness I had a note in a folder where I keep passwords, that told me which email I used for Blogger as well as the password.  So I was able to get in! 

I think I might just start up this blog again. I remember originally it was therapeutic to write about my eating disorder and general anxieties. Well, now I need a bit of therapy, but not for that. 

When I last wrote, it was in the start of the pandemic, which is now a distant memory. I had just retired and was trying to adjust to life at home, because we really couldn't go anywhere. Remember Quarantines? Lockdowns? Anyway, for me it was a double whammy. Covid Lockdown and No Job. 

Well, here it is over 5 years later. Lots has happened in my life. 

I guess the biggest thing is I'm a widow. 

Paul, my husband of 32 years and the love of my life, passed away suddenly in January of 2024 of a massive heart attack, also known as a "widowmaker."

He hadn't been feeling well for a few days, and was on antibiotics for what we thought might be a sinus infection. The antibiotics were making him a bit ill so in retrospect. I believe I missed the REAL signs of what was going on with him.

That morning, I had gone to the store to get some things for him, soup, cold medicine, etc., and to do some other errands. When I left, he was relaxing in his recliner, watching a movie on TCM and doing some things on his laptop. When I got back about 2 hours later, Jennie our dog came running to me.  As usual, I asked her, "What have you and Daddy been doing?"  

Then I walked over to him.  When I first looked at him, he was so still, I thought he was asleep. He was as I had left him, laptop in his lap.  But something seemed off.  When I approached him, I saw his face was slack and he had some foam coming out of his mouth. I shook him and started yelling, "Wake up, Paul!!!" There was no response at all, and he was cold to the touch. 

Of course, I called 911. The dispatcher asked if I could get him out of his recliner on to the floor to do CPR. Unfortunately, he weighed too much for me to move him, so she said the paramedics were on their way.  Our house is notoriously hard to locate, so she told me to go outside to direct the ambulance. I ran outside to run up our driveway.  Then I saw my next door neighbor in his kitchen window so instead, I frantically ran to their door and cried out, "I think Paul's dead!" 

The rest is kind of a blur. My neighbor went to direct the paramedics to our house and I went back inside to be with Paul. 

When the paramedics arrived, they got him onto the floor and started to try to revive him. I think they worked on him for about 40 minutes before they gave up. My wonderful neighbors stayed with me for the whole time.  We waited in the kitchen, and I could hear what was going on. Once it sounded like they actually got some heart activity, and I felt momentarily hopeful! 

But finally they came and told me he was gone. 

They said the coroner would come soon to take him away, and so I could spend some time with him if I wanted. He was lying on the floor, covered with a sheet.  They warned me that his face would look strange from the efforts to revive him. So I only looked at him very briefly, covered his face again, and then held his hand.  I knelt next to him on the floor and talked to him until they came for him.  

Through tears, I told him how much our life together had meant to me. I told him how much loved him and would always miss him. 

I'm not sure what possessed me but he always had such beautiful hands.  So I decided to take a photo of us holding hands. 

It seemed a bit of a macabre thing to do, but I'm glad I did... 

I've never shared this photo with anyone before

 

Well, that's enough for now. Writing this is bringing up all sorts of feelings so I'll write some more soon.

If this is my new normal, I'm okay with it (for now)

When COVID19 and my retirement (April 1) collided head on, I spent the first few weeks trying to manage anxiety.  I was having trouble sleeping and would wake up in a panic thinking about everything.  I couldn't get my mind to stop going, and sometimes my heart would start to beat like it was going to jump out of my chest...

I finally called my doctor.  We discussed that I had gone through A LOT of personal life changes in the past months.  Throw in a pandemic and it was not unusual that I would be anxious or depressed.  She prescribed some mild anti-anxiety medication called Buspar.  I don’t have to take it all the time, only when I’m feeling anxious.  I mean, I COULD take it all the time, but I don’t need to.  To be honest, I’ve hardly taken it at all, maybe once or twice a week.  But just the fact that I have it available helps to lessen the anxiety, and there don’t appear to be any side effects for me.  I honestly don’t feel anything when I take it, other than the anxiety goes away.  No drowsiness, etc.

While the medication helps, I also need to do some other things to maintain my emotional equilibrium. 

Exercise is key, so I now work out virtually with my trainer Steve at 8 am on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.  I’m fortunate that I have an area to work out in (my office) and a lot of equipment.  Working out sets the tone for the day to be productive and to be honest, I think I will continue on virtually after quarantine ends.  It’s super easy, I don’t have to go anywhere, and plus the virtual sessions are less expensive than in studio.   And obviously safer from a virus standpoint.   Although I feel like I’m super healthy, I AM 67, so in the vulnerable group as is my husband who is 73.  So for now, it’s better to limit my exposure. 

My workout equipment

Keeping busy (but not TOO busy) is helpful.  So I clean, organize, garden, etc.  But I do try to keep from doing it compulsively.  I made a TO DO list, and the list is loooong, so I’ll never run out of things to do NOR will I ever finish no matter how much I do.  I have to keep that in mind…I don’t have to do it ALL NOW.  (Because I’m retired!)  The first few weeks, my husband would comment on how I was making him nervous, or that I was like a shark that couldn’t stop moving.  I can't tell you how many times he told me to relax.  Meaning "Stop, you're going to wear yourself out".  So now I “allow” myself to  do whatever I want during the day but at 4 pm, I stop!

My tomatoes

Or at least I stop physically constantly moving at 4.  I can still do more passive things such as work on the computer.  In fact, I started a little eBay business! 

I used to collect antique jewelry and silver spoons, so a lot of these things have been languishing in boxes downstairs or in my jewelry box.  I also used to buy clothes and shoes for work, and then never wear them.  Most still have tags on them!  So I've spent the last few weeks posting things on eBay.  I have to research, photograph, post, then ship, all of which has kept my mind busy and it’s fun!  It helps to be very organized, which I am, and I love doing all these things in my office. So far I've posted about 25 things, sold about 8, and believe me, I've got a boatload of things still to sell.  And as my husband says, Selling and Earning beats Buying and Spending.   

My office

Finally, I take Jennie for a long walk every day.  And speaking of dogs…Jennie’s personality has blossomed since she lost her sister.  I really think she likes being an only dog.  When there were two, there was a lot of negative, competitive energy.  My mother was pretty neurotic, so they grew up in an unstable environment.  After we got them, they improved a lot, but there was still a lot of high pitched crazy barking, food aggression, and pee “accidents."  Now that Bonnie is gone, Jennie hardly barks at all, hasn’t had one accident, and is so mellow.  Dogs are wonderful, but weird.  Who knows what goes on in their brains, and how they process relationships with their "parents" and their "siblings." 

Jennie in her car seat, ready to go!

I don’t have the deep emotional connection with Jennie that I did with Buster, but then, Buster was my once-in-a-lifetime heart dog.  Still, I am enjoying Jennie's company and since she is so tiny, she's easy to transport.  She's a great traveler, so we go everywhere together.  And let's face it, she's really adorable.  I think I can actually say now that I love this little dog.  

Hmmm, anything else?  Well, my husband and I are getting along very well, and I've been trying to be more open with him about my feelings of anxiety.  He actually listens to me and been very supportive.  Mostly he just comforts me and tells me that everything is going to be okay.  And that's really all I need. 

I think that’s about it.  I'm okay with things for now, although I'd like to be able to travel again someday in the not too distant future.  After all, I didn't work until I'm 67 to stay home for the rest of my life. 

But whatever is happening in your State or area, I hope everyone is handling quarantine or re-opening well.  It's going to be okay!