Huh, so it has been almost 4 years since I last wrote here.

And reading the last post...it feels like I am still in that place.

In the 4 years, I spent about 6 months doing what I did before (a.k.a. pseudo-SAHM), then went to work part time at SPA as an admin assistant...then I got pregnant and quit the job after 1.5 years... Meimei came into my life 21 months ago...and right now, I am back to that place.

Pseudo-SAHM.

Leaving BB was supposed to help me move on from that life. 

But I don't think I ever did move on. Or maybe I was really just moving in a circle...or a spiral... the circles get smaller and smaller and now it's like I'm spinning on the same spot.

That life... Dad continued on his drinking binges...until his health finally caught up with him and he suffered a left MCA infarct in March 2018. His poor participation in rehabilitation left him chair-bound... and then now more or less bed-bound in KWSH.

That life... it had been such a crazy 2015/2016 that I don't think I really moved on, or grieved properly. And in those darkest moments, I cry for my mom... and I plead for her to come and take me away. It's selfish... it's cowardly and weak... but there are many days (and nights) when I am so sick and tired of thinking for others, of pretending to be brave and strong. 

Because, I really don't think I am.

Comfort zone. Being where I am right now seem to be the most comfortable for me. I like that I get the home to myself for hours, and I can choose what to watch, what to do, what to eat etc... So if I am indeed comfortable, why am I feeling that something is lacking? Or rather, I feel that I am lacking.

Lacking in what? I wish I know.

J says I should get out and have more adult interaction.

YQ encourages me to get back to some form of work so that I am more financially independent and yes, adult interaction.

The truth is...adult interaction scares me. Because I am a huge cloud of negative energy and no adults want to be near that. I don't want to meet new people, make new friends... because if I don't do that, I won't risk being rejected. I won't have to face being left behind... or ostracized. 

So, in that sense, this isolated pseudo-SAHM status suits me. Let me wallow in my own negativity and not ruin other peoples' lives.

But... that spinning on the spot is really starting to make me sick. Question now is am I really sick? And how do I stop going round and round?

2 years since I last logged into this blog and wrote something.

In fact, it was more than 2 years ago. It was pre-xxm2...8 days before he popped into this world, screaming and wriggling.

Life...has changed so much.

Gained a son...lost my mom...quit my job...moved into new home...

To sum up, I took on more responsibilities.

Daughter, Wife, Mom, Housekeeper, Grocery Shopper, Launderer, Handy-woman, Cook, Driver, Holiday Planner...etc

The last 2 years or so...it's been fixing one problem at a time...

Or perhaps, that really is the way it has been all the time.

Problem solving...trouble shooting...fire fighting...the difference really lies in the urgency of the issue

Problems/issues are good...they keep us on our toes and occupy our minds so that we look ahead.

But they are also bad, because it keeps us so occupied that we forget to stop and appreciate what we have achieved, to review and learn from the past.

Where I am, right now, is good.
I like that I can sit here, in the comfort of my own home, typing this on a brand new computer and listening to music while I contemplate what to cook for lunch.

Where I am, right now, is bad.
I don't like that I am stagnating. The only thing that keeps me moving is that I need to have dinner on the table in time for the boys, that I need to keep the house clean and have the clothes wash so that everyone has something clean to wear. Otherwise...I probably will lie down somewhere and grow roots...and mould.

Where I am, right now, is comfortable...but unsettling.
Deep inside, I know this is something I can really grow use to and be okay with it. Yet it also stirs up unwanted feelings. Most prominent is the feeling of shame and guilt.
Shame because I can do more, yet I choose to do less.
Guilt because I should be doing more, helping to bear the financial burden, giving back to the society, homeschooling the boys etc etc etc....but I am not.

2016 is ending. What lies ahead for me in 2017?
Would I finally find the courage, and motivation, to step out of this comfort zone and find my way back to the workforce?
Or would I finally find a niche in this comfort zone and expand it so that I am doing more within this zone?
Or...would I just continue to stagnate?

Problems...issues...one after another....

I try to believe that by solving each of them, I am progressing and moving forward.
But...maybe, what I am doing is walking around in a circle.
And more than once, I will be back right where I started.

Do I dare walk out of the circular path? Off the tangent?

Do I?
Would I?
Should I?

It's been one of those days...which I can only dream about.

Minimal shouting, minimal nagging and loads of positive experience with the little panda.

I must admit he is a very loving kid. He loves to hug, to kiss, to cuddle...

Of course, it does get draining when that's all he ever want from me...leaving me with no time or space for myself, including sleeping time.

But today, he was just right.

He asked for the hugs and kisses at the appropriate time, ate his meals properly, listened to instructions 80% of the time and pretty much showed me what an easy boy he can be to take care of...

Now, as he's gently snoring next to me, I breathe a sigh of relief...

Because such a day is so rare to come by...and the relief I feel is immense...

I got to nap, I got to eat my meals with minimal disruptions and he fell asleep with minimal fuss.

It's mummy's dream come true...

Tomorrow, will be another day.

And I can only pray and hope for a similar day like today...

I'm scared

I'm worried

I feel like I made a wrong turn and cannot make my way back to find the right route

No one has it easy...and no, I should not be wondering why my life sucks cos really, there are way worse problems than mine

Then, when caught in the midst of all these chaos, nothing makes sense anymore

And envy becomes the overwhelming emotion, most of the time

I never had the fear of future

Dread, yes

Uncertain, definitely

But afraid? This is the first time

I am very afraid of what lies ahead, and more importantly, I am very afraid of my own inability to cope

Not even aiming to thrive, just coping will be good enough

Everyday is a struggle to stay afloat of these churning negative emotions

I spend so much energy trying to push these emotions down that I now have none left to be positive

And that is the source of my fear

The lack of anticipation seem to indicate that there is nothing which I can look forward to

Which is why I feel I've taken a wrong turn somewhere

Fear is debilitating
It makes a person want to run away or hide forever

Motherhood is not for everyone.

Or rather, parenthood is not for everyone...Or for every couple.

In a way, I wouldn't want it any other way. Chen An is the light at the end of the tunnel...he is also the darkness of the endless tunnel.

He brings immense joy and terror, he makes me laugh and cry, he hugs and hits...

He is one huge paradox by himself.

And that makes it hard for me to get used to his antics.

Me, the one who needs order, plans and routines, is at complete mercy of this little one.

Each attempt to have some sort of rule, limit or schedule backfires in the face of him.

He defies all forms of discipline.

I dunno who else have this form of "challenge"...

I admit that I feel horribly incompetent as a mother.

He makes me doubt whether I truly wanted to be a mother in the first place...

And each kid I see who is sleeping like an angel in the stroller, who holds their parent's hand while walking in the mall, who listens to the word "no"...I go green with envy...

Then the self doubt begins...
Why? Why can't I manage my son like that? Is it me....Or him?

Parenthood, is not for everyone.

And so, I choose to believe that because I am given this chance to be a parent, that means that I must have some form of ability to transit into a mummy.

With that belief, I trudge ahead...
Tantrums, soiled diapers and vomit on my clothes...
Laughter, kisses and hugs...

What makes it easier is when Chen An looks at me and say "Mama"...
With that, I believe I can...

Oh dear...once again I've slipped into the habit of ignoring my blog :(

Well, considering that I barely get enough time to sleep, I guess blogging is one of the items in my 'No need to do then dun do' list haha

Let's see...4 months have passed..and in these 4 months, nothing much seemed to have happened. Nothing really significant..except that my little panda turned 1 year old!

On the work front, I have to say that I can't believe I lasted this long. Part of me wondered if I can switch to this pure admin role...and almost 5 months into this, I think I've made the transition rather smoothly. Do I see myself doing this in the long run.....?

Hmm...that is a question which I shall be pondering...

I do have to say that being a working mum (although I work part time) is tough.

The toughest part is when the other caregivers don't cooperate...no teamwork!

Simple example: In the morning, Jordon bathes xxm, I prepare breakfast while my mum supposed to feed xxm his breakfast.

For the last dunno-how-many weeks, I have to feed xxm his breakfast, and then rush to get ready to go to work. All because 外婆 can't get out of bed. By the time she waltzes her way into the living room, xxm has been fed and I am running around like a headless chicken, making sure that everything has been prepared for work.

Then after work, the moment I reach home, xxm follows me around. Wherever I go. And if I try to close the door to change out of my work clothes, he lets out a bloodcurdling wail of protest before banging on the door.

Same with a toilet break. It's very hard to pee when my son is screaming and crying 'MAMAMAMAMA' on the other side of the door.

And of course, once I reach home, it's like my parents will 'knock off' from their baby duties. Back to the computer or novel for them, while I try and settle everything by myself.

There are days when I can barely lift a finger to press the button for the lift, yet have to carry xxm around the house cos he won't stop crying.

Exhaustion doesn't quite cover the feeling I have.

I dunno how much longer I can tolerate this. A part of me really want to put xxm in childcare. Then everyone gets a little break when he's away. And that may help to ease the tension a little bit.

Not working is another alternative..but that just means I'll be at home all the time and have to shoulder the baby duties all by myself, full time.

That's a scary thought :(

I hope that xxm's unusual amount of activity will start to wind down a little as he grows older and start to enjoy reading...a little quiet time, even just 5 mins, is a luxury which I can only dream of.....

So, for now, my favourite time of the day is actually on the MRT ride home. Just me, myself and I. And if I am early enough, can even slip in a quick 10min shopping trip before heading home...

I just read the line I've typed...and that's really quite sad..and pathetic.

Ok, enough of the depressing stuff...

I just have to remember: What doesn't kill me will make me stronger!

不知道要怎么形容现在的心情。

最适合的，应该是无奈吧。

愤愤不平的当儿，也无可奈何而。

他不了解我为何那么在乎。

也许在他眼里，只不过是个很微不足道的事。
更何况，都已成定居。

他问我，我要他怎么做？
我的答案：还我一个公道！

他不愿意。
他觉得没有必要，没有不公道。

在那一刻，我真的很难过。
难过之余，我真的好无奈。

在最生气的一瞬间，我差点就自己去讨回公道。
我很想大喊 “是我的！你们没有问过我的意思就这样决定，是把我当成什么？！”
可是，我毕竟不是某人。
我做不到。

所以，现在我只能在这里生闷气。
而他们依旧幸福快乐。

幸福，从来就不属于我。
它，从来没有在我的生命中停步。
充其量，它曾和我擦肩而过。
之后，就离我越来越远。

你啊，到底知不知道，我真的好难受？