20061208
Im officially back for real this time, considering the As are finally over.
although i cant help feeling like too much has happened since the last time i blogged? that was four months yep -laughs
i feel old.
honestly and seriously,
i do.
right now its like i feel like im so close yet so far from getting there
and realitys like, that i really cant be bothered to put myself through uni because i was never born to stick myself somewhere working for some snubby nosed boss anyway.
but in reality reality,
HAHA.
i wish.
okayy its not impossible,
im just too tired to fight for it.
BRI!
haha hellooo plops!
im so glad youre back.
cupcake/planning/sketch dayy tomorrow!
-huggs
much love to our company.
im actually quite certain that we can pull this off, actually.
:))
okayy im off now, this is a short one but im still not used to being back to blogging so this feels weird.
-laughs
loves to all,
esp bri,
whos always been there and awesome.
:))
kiss me, leave, and never return.
3:19 AM
20060814
to the great king of the plops.
ahahha i am BACK!
-laughs
todayy marks the last day of mock exams, which means im back on planet earth again!yayys haha!
ah how hv you been!
yes i am half dead over here
and as are so soon
like in two months?
that im like,
"where did all the time go!"
so, being the self delusional idiot that i am,
i will choose to pretend thebane that you mentioned,
time management,
or the lack of it,
is not the sole cause,
and therefore believe i am being tested by the heavens on my capabilities of being ready for the as in two months.
like,
reality telly for the ones who sit above on clouds.
like seriously,
the concept of reality telly isnt that new?
so it sparked off a craze over here what with survivor and the amazing race
but then see
God's been doing it since twenty gadzillion years ago.
thats why he's God i guess
-laughs
-cue corny jingle music
-cue corny telly reporter voice
"welcome back to another episode of..."
-cue drum roll
"a day in the life of jes!"
joy.
i bet if people watched such a show theyd all go out and pop a cork of champagne cos my lifes so screwey right now its like nothings real.
so today,
in summary,
because i am too lazy to type
school: last mock paper.joy!
went to the library to print two sheets of paper to collect some stuff for dad
went to nana's for lunch w lix deb and sera
headed to bras bersah to pick up stuff for dad
called mom for dad's ic no,
mom was a total -- and refused to give me because it was"unsafe do you know ic no can be used for a lot of things!" uhhuh. got tired of waiting after ten mins of nagging.messaged dad.got ic no in two seconds. gave lady, walked out while mom was still nagging. low batt, so hung up.
pissed off, so i walked halfway from brasbesah to town.
decided to take a bus.
while waiting at the bus stop,
some boy who like couldnt talk or sth needed help to get home.
guided him to the right bus,
made a mess of by some fcuking asshole of an indian guy, who was very rude, kept calling the poor disabled boy a "fucker", "stupid", and "idiot", and it must have been his lucky day because i was ready to punch him.
god knows wht the fcuk he was doing at the bus stop cos he kept walking off and basically, not taking a bus.
like hello?
BUS STOP?
and no, i will not give him the benefit of the doubt that he needed a seat because we were near a park like seats galore? and besides, he was walking around shouting insults at the boy rmb?
christ i dont know wht the hell he was doing there.
anw that was my good dead of the day.
-claps for self.
made me more depressed though somehow, made worse by the fact that i had argued with my boyfriend earlier, who was doing that annoying talking when youre talking thing that guys love to do.
so, in my ground zero mood, i called him again on the bus, only for him to do it again!
ahh.
so i just gave up.
went home with the intention of smoking a pack or two
and watching a movie by myself for thereupeutic reasons
in the end i spent two and a half hours plucking the petals off thirty nine roses.
watched the telly without really watching it
and went back to my room to type this.
things are okayy now, i guess.
with my mom and him,
were all taking the
'it didnt happen'approach
so im just going along for the ride.
i guess on the surface im glad its okayy.
but i just cant explain why im just feeling so utterly sad.
i dont know why. honestly.
its not BECAUSE of sth, its more like
just a feeling that sits in me.
like the kind of feeling that you can only describe with maybe the word 'tragedy'?
like,
overwhelming sorrow.
dont ask me.
-laughs
anyhow, went to bris blog first as always,
and it was nice,
cos reading her post really made me laugh.
and bits of me cheered up considerably.
(-huggs bri thanks kp :)) )
somehow, im starting to associate cali with freedom,
one thing i value most,
and its like.
just sitting there waiting for us to do our
runaway trasferees(was tt it?:D)
and its like everytime i think of cali
theres sth to push myself for you know?
funny things.
:D
i guess this marks the end of my post.
just wanted to say sorry to bri
i know i havent really been there for you
its just that things are so crazy over here
though thats not an excuse.sigh.
itll be back to normal after the as though.
pinky promise tap thumbs thrice
:))
-hugs
P.S 'anytime' always stands:)
always and forever!
okayy. im off.
loves to my blog for
constantly taking the brunt of my anger.
kiss me, leave, and never return.
7:27 PM
20060805
reason to party: i got my new phone!
-laughs
ive decided to put a "reason to party"at the start of every post
maybe this will make me more appreciative of life and less of acynic.
-pauses
maybe not
haha but one can always hope?
nah.
but its fun so anw
miss brianna!
haha its needed to get into the school!
and now i might not be able to cont my econs tuition which = screwed majorly.
oh no.
will work double hard!
haha
ah you cheat!
-laughs
but its realliy smart thing to do though,
haha act i planned to do that for the subject SATS!
take chinese and pretend to be a genius -laughs
see we are geniuses to think of it :D
oh
wht do you mean by too many credits though?
ahaha.
i think if i can ill prob take the smu way
itll give me more time cos i dont think ill be able to take the subject sats by the end of the year and apply in time :|
exams start next wk too!
haha this is so funny everytime i go online its usuall check your blog first
then check mine
thn link to blogger
reply you
thn its time to dash
hahah.
which it is now.
yayy for the new phone!
and i love you!
((:
P.S. how your phone!
kiss me, leave, and never return.
10:50 PM
20060803
careers day.
yoho yoho a pirates life for me.haha thanks sparrow, for the lovely song
-laughs
and your phone bri!
not again!
ah.
at least the good new is its not the toilet?
(:
-huggs cheer up!
and get well soon phone!
haha oh!
okayy theres been a bit of augmentation to the cali plan on my side, but if i do this right, im confirmed going to go!
haha okayy so we had this talk by smu today then i went to ask the lady more about their exchange program
get this.
so far, EVERYONE who applies gets in!
ah.
so its like a guaranteed chance i ll at least be able to get to cali?
only problem is, its REALLY hard to get into smu,
even harder than NUS which totally sucks.
but,
the money thing might be fixed cos i asked her if my SAT scores could help my entry after telling her what i got, and she was so funny!
haha grabbed me by the arms, opened her eyes wide and went
"you can apply for a scholarship!"
-laughs
ah but anw yeah she was really nice and apparently the scool doesnt look at the 'S' paper which all other scholarships do so it was fab.
all i have to do now, though, is get my grades up to all As.
haha.
easier said then done but ill do what i can
(sorry this entrys such a mess, im speed typing this so i can tell you the great news! haha)
and ohoh
apparently you can apply for exchange MULTIPLE times!
so either i can keep applying and meet you in cali every other term
-laughs
or if i can get a loan do what youre doing and transfer.
ah.
this is so fab.
maybe we might be destined to do this after all?
((:
cos my grades are all that matters now
cos i asked how much being in council and doing the damned NYAA thing helps, and she was like so pleased again
-laughs
and i quote,
when i said my thank yous, she said
"i hope we dont lose you to the US"
cos i told her i had plans to head straight there.
so i might have a quite good chance of squeezing my way in
which equates to confirmed cali.
ah!
go bri!
hope your processing thing works out quicker!
i might end up being later thanyou in the end,
but this way is MUCH easier.
-crosses fingers
okayy im not going to jinx it,
hope your app goes true, cos my fingers are crossed for you too!
lovelove and huge hugs
-J
(:
kiss me, leave, and never return.
8:45 PM
20060730
If I touch a burning candle I can feel no pain
If you cut me with a knife it's still the same
And I know her heart is beating
And I know that I am dead
Yet the pain here that I feel
Try and tell me it's not real
For it seems that I still have a tear to shed.
im okayy if you still call,
but dont try to remind me of what was,
please.
even if you dont mean to.
because i went to so much work and forgot every memory so i could start over.
dont undo it.
miss bri!
calis still on,isnt it?
i decided that im going to try to get in anw,
and if i can make it,
ill take a loan or sth and work my ass off.
cheers to going to cali for reasons that are not that of studying, mate.
-laughs
btw i cleared half my room!
yayy!
and love the pics of your room its cool ((:
lovelove!
kiss me, leave, and never return.
2:13 PM
20060722
im pretty glad I sort of ‘closed ’my blog officially.
hopefully.
people who id prefer not to read
(basically everyone apart from one sixty I guess, haha.)
have stopped visiting.
maybe theis way I can pretend I have the barest minimum of privacy in this congested world.
Its funny how things turn out.
It seems as if my entire life,
Ive been going through these countless ups and downs.
and if you think your lifes like mine,
youre wrong.
sure, you might get your ups and downs.
but your downs arent as low as mine can get.
thats just the way life plays itself out I guess.
situations will always be unfair.
and even though im aware that
im here living someone else’s dream,
its hard,because
someone else is living mine.
bri left thurs night.
and I miss her already.
its funny you know.
but its like a presence?
I cant feel her here anymore.
twenty thousand miles away.
I need to do sth about the cali dream.
so anw.
interesting things tt happened.
I played cupid for ben and dor on mon.
delivered her this ginormous bouquet of sunflowers
anw point is it made her day
so im glad.(:
on a personal note though,
even though the bouquet was huge and pretty,
I wouldn’t like something like that.
i don’t know.
I always thought the only way to figure out wht kind of flowers you really wanted would be to imagine what kind of flowers you would give a girl if you were a guy?
for one,
I cant stand the tiny baby’s breath flowers.
for two,
bouquets just seem to be so artificial and more of a statement than a symbol of love.
okay, so maybe to some people you can measure love by the size of your flowers.
but you know wht id give?
a single black rose with a black satin ribbon tied to the stem.
with a ring attached.-laughs
classy.
okay I am nonsense.
but I always wanted to be a guy so I could do sth like that.
-laughs somemore.
damn I miss talking to spade.
that constant parlaying and throwing out of idea after idea on the table.
the conversations that have probably covered everything from music to politics to dreams to predictions to ambitions to sex to love to humanity to language to alcohol to traveling to pain to hate to reason to the core of life itself.
the arguing because of contradictory ideas
the grudging acknowledgement when proved wrong
the respect.
its sad, because were both so screwed up
and have such despairing concepts of friendship that
its hard to be friends.
kindly excuse me for meaningless ranting.
im so drowsy right now cos I just took my meds
-yawns
and so, goodbye.
dunghead misses kingplop.
kiss me, leave, and never return.
2:17 AM
20060712
jes is back,
more broke,screwed up, and pissed than ever.
an excerpt from my friend's blog.
"Excel day. Mr Tan Hoe Teck chatted with me a little before the exhibition ended. He was saying Sera should have come in place of Jes, just for the fact that Sera has been seen to have put in effort into NYAA than Jes"
FUCK YOU TANHOETECK.
i fucking swear i dont know what your problem is apart from being a motherfucking son of a bitch and a fucking biased arsehole at that.
just because i dont bother to suck up to you because its against my values.
you forget,
you FUCKING ASSHOLE,
that i happen to be in council and so have to help the school you think youre too great to be in.
you dont know,
you GODDAMNED PIECE OF ASSWIPE,
that i really tried to tell everything i knew of nyaa to the people who came to the booth.
that i actually bothered to approach them,
and not just when you were there.
that i went,
even though i felt like a sorry piece of crap,
even though, apart from alr having a miserable day, i went there, exhausted and fucking lonely,
to encourage people to give YOU a call if they needed information.
to give YOUR namecard out
to promote YOUR work.
and for what?
so you could go around telling people that i didnt contribute to nyaa?
I DO MORE THAN YOU KNOW, YOU SORRY SON OF A BITCH.
AND JUST BECAUSE YOU DONT SEE ME DOING THINGS,
DOESNT MEAN IM NOT,
OKAYY?
and i fucking swear that if you dont get that,
that youre just stupid.
MOTHER FUCKING WHORE.
is your goddamned family falling apart,
been doing so since you were five?
when you were seven did you see your mother smash the dining room table and your dad hit her over the head?
did you have to hide in the toilet and then painstakingly fold tissue so your mother could wipe awayy her tears?
have you had to manage the household money since you were ten?
are you the communicating line between your parents,
who dont speak to each other anymore?
dont you DARE talk to me about work,
because i know far more of it than you do.
please,
just leave me alone.
kiss me, leave, and never return.
6:35 PM
