Beneath the facade



You know smth? I really missed it. I missed those times. I missed the adrenaline rush. I remembered how i cried when we lost the very first. I remembered how exhilarated i was when despite his negativity, we won the 2nd.

I had the chance. I gave it up. I know my limitations and i regret it. I was given another again. Again, i gave it up.


Regret is bittersweet.



Has it ever occurred to you that many opportunities were presented in your lives and you never cherish them? Has it ever occurred to you that second chances were given to you again and again, but you just watch it flitter past?

When i read the story of joan, and there's this thing about once a rafflesian, always a rafflesian. So what am i? Frankly, i don't know. I am not an elite academic, nor an athlete, neither am i a musical virtuoso. I failed in pratically all aspects of my life. I am just a loser.

At the end of everything, there's nothing to my name. Whatever can you write for my eulogy? The life i've led, in all its entity? My tears, my triumphs, my pain, my love.

Its all about contradictions now. Its about clashing emotions, deep longing and tired hearts. Yes, the heart can get tired of breaking, do you know? When its being chipped off incessantly, till the pieces started to crack, then crashes in a portentous instant.


I hate being a loser. And i hated feeling like one even more. Where was the time when we were in our own little world, cocooned from all the realities of life.


Words which should have no meaning, not any more, except for a tug of regret. Regret is bitter-sweet.

I am a happy sponge


Hallo! I'm here again! I'm feeling extremely guilty cos' i've wasted my whole weekend away. Sleep, eat, read and watch tv. Its vcd watching mode again. And this is very bad, considering the gargantuan tons of work awaiting me. But my mood for any kind of studying now is sub-zero, so, i shall waste my time away by doing this quiz thingy from mingfen.
And yes, i do read you blog, sometimes though.



Rules!
1. BOLD the following words that are true about you,
2. ITALIC the things you wish were true,
3. add one thing true about you,
4. and then tag onetwothreefourFIVE more people.

I miss somebody right now. (quite a lot, in fact)
I don't watch TV these days.
I own lots of books. (you'd be shocked, that i actually read)
I wear glasses or contact lens.
I love to play video games.
I've tried marijuana.
I've been in a threesome.
I've been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
I believe honesty is usually the best policy. (for most of the time)
I curse sometimes. (I can have a vile temper at times)
I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. (Very true! Just look at my new template, i've outgrown cute teddy bears into smth err... more mature)

I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
I'm TOTALLY smart. (i wish so)
I've broken someone's bones.
I'm paranoid sometimes.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost and scar-free.
I need money right now. (i wouldn't mind having more)
I love sushi.
I talk really, really fast/unclear.
I have long hair.
I have lost money in Las Vegas.(coins la)
I have at least one sibling.
I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
I like the way i look. (i'm sorry, but i seriously like how i look)
I am usually pessimistic.
I have a lot of mood swings.
I have a hidden talent.
I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar i have.
I have alot of friends. (not alot-alot, just a bunch of close friends, i guess that counts?)
I am currently single!
I have pecked someone of the same sex.
I enjoy talking on the phone. (YES! Absolutely!)
I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
I love to shop.
I would rather shop than eat.
I don't hate anyone.
I'm a pretty good dancer.
I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
I have a cell phone.
I believe in God.
I watch MTV on a daily basis.
I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
I've rejected someone before.
I have no idea what i want to do for the rest of my life.
I want to have children in the future. ( Maybe, just maybe! commitment sounds a little scary)
I have changed a diaper before.
I've called the cops on a friend before.
I'm not allergy to anything. (i'm hyper-allergic to dust and smoke.)
I have a lot to learn.
I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.
I am shy around the opposite sex.( it will have to depend on what kind of guys, really!)
I own the "South Park" movie.
I would die for my best friends. (Then again, it would depend on the circumstances, but i tink its kinda romantic)
I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza. (haha, that's why zy ordered such 'LARGE' pizzas on thurs)
I have made a move a friend's significant past or crush in the past.
I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
i love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
I watch Spongebob Squarepants and i like it. (Sure, there's a lot to learn from him)
I have dated a close friend's ex.
I am happy at this moment. ( yeah, cos' i just finish chatting to someone on the phone)
I'm obsessed with guys.
Democrat.
I am punk rockish.
I am preppy.
I study for tests most of the time.
I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone i've ever met.
I can work on a car.
I love my job.
I am comfortable with who i am now.
I have more than just my ears pierced.
I walk barefoot wherever i can.
I have jumped off a bridge.
I love sea turtles.
I spend ridiculous money on makeup.
i am plan on achieving a major goal/dream.(dream occupation: egyptologist, archaeologist, banker)
I'm proficient in a musical instrument. (not proficient, just passable)
I worked at MacDonald's restaurant.
I hate office jobs.
I love sci-fi movies.
I think water rules.(if you're homicidal, think drowning. haha! joking! remember to drink 10 glasses a day)
I went college out of state.
I like sausages. (bratwursts rocks my life)
I love kisses.
I fall for the wrong people.
I adore bright colours.
I can't live without black eyeliner.
I don't know why the hell i just did this stupid thing.
I usually like covers more than originals.
I can pick up things with my toes.
I can't whistle
I can move my tongues in waves, much like a snakes slithers.
I have ridden/owned a horse.
I still have every journal i've ever written in.
I can't stick to a diet.
I talk in my sleep.
I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distraction. (i always run whenever smth is bothering me)
Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
I have jazz in my blood.
I wear a toe ring.
I have a tattoo.
I can't stand at LEAST one person i work with.
I am a caffeine junkie.
I cosplay or know what cosplaying is.
I have been to over 15 conventions.
I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.(i used to collect the pokemon thingy from twisties until i've got lots of jiggly-puffs -_-")
I'm an artist.
I only clean my room when necessary.
I like a person of the same sex. (sure! in fact, a lot)
I love being happy.
I am an adrenaline junkie.
i have riden an elephant.
I love chocolates and crowns!
I go to school NOT for the sake of lessons. (Truthfully, i like school for the socialising part. Lectures and some tutorials are a waste of time.)
I can't ride a bicycle.
i have/have tried to cut myself.
i think i'm the only person crazy enough to do this at 6 in the morning without any sleep for the night.
i feel crazy.
i love tomatoes!!
i like peanut butter on bananas
Been told "you're on fire!".
I'm a netballer. (recre?)
I believe in Serendipity.
I think the word 'RASPBERRY' is sexaaay!
GIRLFRIENDS ARE LOVE!!
I like to sleep in a neatly made bed. (well, that is not if i've to make the bed myself)
i blush
I loooooove cats.
I am thinking about food.

That's it. I'm done. Now i'll have to tag 5 people.
Mel, vanda, lucia, chups, zhenyin.

GOOD FRIDAY

Yesterday was Good Friday. So let me tell you why its a good friday. It was a very good friday on GOOD FRIDAY because...

WAIT! sorry, let me side track and begin on thursday. Hee!

Thursday was a very very very long day in school. It dragged past 7. I was really pooped, like totally kaput. First, i thought i "lost" my wallet, and searched for it high and low in the ohana. BUT its actually thanks to two of my very good friends who decided to "help" keep it. Actually i know you guys were hiding it. Sheesh, poor acting skills.


Okay, i'll admit. I only suspect it until later, cos' yi hsuan was laughing so happily that i lost my wallet, that its so unlike her.


Yup, went for dinner with family after bridge. It was a rather happy affair, cos' everyone was so cheerful. I was exhausted but the atmosphere was lifting. Xinyi could not stop talking. A conversation is about everyone conversing and talking, right? But when i tried to talk, xinyi would shhhh me and glare at me. Wth! Lol, it was so funny.

Ha, okay, back to GOOD FRIDAY.

Its good because first of all, i began my day with spongebob on kids central, before brushing my teeth. Second, i ate more than my fair share of Easter eggs and rabbits. Hee! And seriously man, Kinder Surprises, well, you know those eggs with toys by Kinder Beuno aren't exactly very easterly. But the little toys that come with them so totally rocks.

Sleep, eat, watch TV. Then went gai-gai with van, lin, mingfen and karen. Whee!!
After that, went all the way to suntec to NYDC for dinner.




The mudpie that was so totally fantastic. I've already decided what i want on my birthday. Its going to be the darkest, most chocolatey, nuttiest and largest mudpie ever.





I had a wonderful day. =D

I seriously have no idea why i still have eyebags and dark eye circles despite days of 12 hours sleep. It must be some queer, sepulchal innate affliction that has plagued me ever since jc life started. And oh,


HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!!

CHUPS!! I must say, you are a FANTASTIC baker! Your chocolate chips are the most scrumptious and delicious and spiffy and marvellous and piquant and ambrosial and wonderful in the whole wide world!!!

Okay, i'm hinting you. =P =P

Haha, just joking la... Hope you enjoy your bday.

Went for piano lesson today, first lesson, after a long long break. Heh, piano teacher opened the door and looked at me as if she saw a ghost or smth. She said she couldn't recognise me. Wth, she pratically watch me grow up. Heh, it was so funny. Halfway through, she suddenly asked me if i could see the score. I nodded, then she looked supremely surprised and said "i thought you wear specs". Heh, that look on her face is worth a million bucks!

Going to learn grade 7, quite lousy for someone at my age. I'm like so old already, people younger than me already have diplomas under their belt. But i'm no prodigy and grade 6 was a bad memory. Haven't touch the piano for a very very long time, even though i see it everyday. But i'm very motivated today. You know that kind of feeling when you lost touch with something which you love a lot, when you gave up on it because you were so very very dissapointed and disgruntled with it, then suddenly, whoosh! you fingered it, you caressed the keys, you watched others play, and everything came rushing back into you with a gush. I had wanted to gave up on it, cos with the As and stuff. But no! The last math test was a gong on my head. I figured that exams are a combination of hard work and luck and smart studying. I studied for that test but got a fricking dissapointing grade. Its not worth giving up smth you love for just one exam.

I picked my pieces today. Its a committment. I will work hard on them.
But that would mean i can't have long gorgeous painted nails. =(
Piano fingers are my only consolation. =)


There are lots of things which i want to do and learn. I've got everything planned after the As. Yeah, i'm already dreaming about it. For starters, i shall bombard every shopping mall and k-box in town. Then i'll practise very hard till my fingers break for my piano exam, and get my driving license. Then i'll tink of creating the best room ever. I'll go and learn a 3rd language and sailing. I've already got a partner, right? ;)

Freak man, i'm jealous. Xinyi's school has this NZ sailing programme, where you get to spend your december holiday with your friends learning how to sail in the Indian ocean in New Zealand. Just how cool is that!! Hmmmpphh, i shall go learn on my own.


All right, i need to go and bathe now. Ciao!

Pictures in school

It gets boring after a while with no pics, with so many words. So here are a few pictures taken in school.



The Ultimate AA picture. Look at Mel acting cute. =p



Ade and minyi, dinner after training.




Being violated by joei.





OMG! yi hsuan, i just realise i don't have any pics of us together! You only took with weifang. =(

I am pissed off today. Utterly.





There is just no committment. And YOU are very very irresponsible.

Your Personality Profile

You are sexy, powerful, and bold. You're full of passion and energy... Sometimes this passion has a dark side. You feel most alive when you're seducing someone. You never fail to get someone's attention. Quick minded, you're also quick to lose your temper!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is low. You see love as a gift that you should give to many. It's hard for you to imagine being with one person at at time... Let alone one person for the rest of your life! Experience Level: Your experience level is medium. You probably have had a couple significant loves. And you may have even had your heart broken. But you haven't really dated a wide variety of people. Dominance: Your dominance is low. This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced. You know a relationship is not about getting your way. And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom. Cynicism: Your cynicism is low. You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance. No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter. You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate. And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon. Independence: Your independence is medium. In relationships, you need both "me time" and "we time." You usually find it easy to be part of a couple. But occasionally you start to feel a little smothered.

The Five Variable Love Test

You Are 52% Evil

You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side. Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.

How Evil Are You?

Tomorrow is a challenging day. 2.4km, then math test, gp lessons then Heats. I'm addicted to michael buble. He so rocks! Been listening to him over and over again for hours.

Got to start on my newsarticles now. Heh, ciao!

You know something, i think its perfectly fine to be a mugger. You've got to work hard if you want to get an A. Its pretty impossible to get good grades without any effort put in, that is unless if you're

(a) A very smart person
(b) The slack in school but mug like crazy at home kind of person

I'm not smart. That is suppossed to be inborn. In fact i think i'm quite stupid. I took pretty long to adjust to jc. I think i make a wrong choice of subject combination. Chinese lectures are crap. I screwed up my chinese and gp in term 1. Now i'm screwing up econs and math.

I just want to do what is right, fulfill all my duties and live up to the expectations of myself and the people around me. Its difficult. But i want to quickly get over these 7 months and embrace another new phase in my life.





It just don't seem as exciting anymore. Its time to move on.




Aunt Shin advised me to go into finance.




Its time to bathe. Just got home from celebrating the birthday of a very remarkable woman.

Whew, its the weekend again, though it don't feel weekendy at all.


Ok, for ardent fans of my life, there's lots of stuff.
First, friday is a great day. No lessons man. That itself is already a very good recipe for great days.

Sat, went to the columbarium to pray to grandpa, for Qing Ming or smth. From all the stories i've heard about him, he had a colourful life. Shan't elaborate, but i kinda regretted not knowing him. He must have had a blast of a life back then.
The whole place was sweltering and smoky. We burnt incense and offer offerings. Then i saw other people have other paper stuff like cars and clothes and what-nots. So i asked my parents what would they like next time, after you know...

Wth! kana scolded by my mom and grandma. I mean i'm asking it in a matter-of-factly way, so i would know what you'd like. I mean, there are like so many stuff to burn, so if you let me know what you'd like, then i can do the right thing, right?
I think they should be worried, cos' i seriously have no idea what to do when the time comes. I don't even know where to buy all those paper stuff, i mean, you can't get them in supermarkets, right.


Okay, that aside. Life have been so busy, that i actually forgotten about my mom's birthday. It's really kind of weird. I know all my friend's bdays, i remembered who's bday is it going to be next, but i forgot hers. It wasn't until i saw those bday greeting cards that you know, those insurance companies like to send, lying on the table, then i remember. Heh, somehow, i've a hunch those greeting cards were deliberately, strategically left in a very conspicuous corner.

So chiong with xinyi to get a gift. Budget is 400 bucks. Wanted to get a decent wallet. Saw a suitable one at Fendi, but out of budget. Took ages pondering over it. And those sales assistants discriminate against age. Who says you can't afford stuff if you're young. But then ok, we really can't afford that. Ha, its out of budget. Bought a watch in the end. My savings are wiped out. I think i'll have to survive on bread next week, or people, if you have a heart, treat me to lunch. =P

Oh, and how could i forget about this. Mom and dad bought a new house. Will be moving in at the end of this year. Its kinda exciting. My books and piano and swing and bball stand will be back to where they ought to be in the first place. And let me declare...

I won the fight against my sis to have the bigger and nicer room. Ahahhahha! It wasn't much of a fight, i'm better at arguing my case. Heh!

And the next exciting thing is, joei will be my new neighbour. Wow! its a little unbelievable. Like too coincidental. But yeah, i think it'll be fun. Ha, and i'll walk chow chow to right outside her house during her toilet time. =p

Arrrggghhh, still got loads of hmw, its sunday 4pm and i haven't start on them yet. Let me see, there's econs DRQ, math tutorial 29, Gp 2004 paper. Great, i've got 2hrs to pia finish everything before Ice Age 2.
Whee! i can't wait. =D