10:35 PM
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
A Special Baby
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"WHEW!" says the girl extremely relieved... "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" says Holmes.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some one has stolen our tent!!"
A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!" "How does he drive you crazy?" "For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."
The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!" "Hmm, anything else?" probes the counselor further. The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"
"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now." So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you." The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"
The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else." The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said." "What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!" The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry." The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay." The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public." "Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."
The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity." "Oh," says the husband looking very stupid. "And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."
"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing." "What did he say?" The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up."
A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.
She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"
Art Gallery Nudes
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn."
What are you thinking about?
Little Johnny was in class when the teacher asked, "Three birds are sitting on a telephone wire, a hunter shoots one. How many are left?" "None," he says "if ones shot the others would fly away." "Actually", said the teacher "the answer was two, but I like the way you think." The next day Johnny walks over to his teacher in the cafeteria and asks, "Do you see those three women over there on the bench? Which one is married, the one eating the cookie, the one eating a sandwich, or the one sucking on a popsicle?" "Hmm, the one sucking on a popsicle?", the teacher asks" "Actually" said Timmy " it was the one with a wedding ring, but I like the way you think".
Each man gives a story
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."
The Power Of Subjective Interpretation - The Pope and the Sikh
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About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Sikhs had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Sikh community.
So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Sikh community. If the Sikh won, the Sikhs could stay. If the Pope won, the Sikhs would leave.
The Sikhs realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Santa Singh to represent them. Santa Singh asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Santa Singh & the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand & showed three fingers. Santa Singh looked back at him & raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Santa Singh pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a wafer & a glass of wine. Santa Singh pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up & said I give up. This man is too good. The Sikhs can stay.
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground & showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine & wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Sikh community had crowded around Santa Singh. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Santa Singh, "First he said to me that the Sikhs had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Sikhs. I pointed down to let him know that we were staying right here in this land."
"Yes, yes & then???" asked the crowd.
"I don't know", said Santa Singh, "He took out his lunch & I took out mine."
HA! HA! HA!
4:05 PM
Saturday, October 06, 2007
Ok... This is just a stress reliever for you all becoz of the stupid EOY papers... hahaha... Hope you all enjoy it..No offence though.. some are a bit sick..
One day there was a girl and some boys beside an apple tree. then, the boys ask the girl to climb the apple tree to pick some apples for them... actually the boys want to see her underwear.. Then, the girl's mother saw... after went back home.. her mother told her not to climb coz the boys' intention is to see her underwear..
Then... a few day later... the boys met the girl again.the boys ask her to gopicksome apples again... this time her mother saw it again... then. after the boys left. her mom tell her.. how many times should i tell you!! they want to see your underwear why dun you listen to me? ... but the girl reply... mom, this time I'm cleverer... i never wear underwear.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner she would like to go out and have sex for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
a mosquito n a praying mantis is watching a gal bathing the mosquito look at the gal chest and said "i bit her 10 years ago and it is still swollen" then the praying mantis look at her lower body and said "i cut her 12 years ago the cut is still there and it bleeds every month!"
Fruits Feast
A plane crash on an island, only three guys survived. They were captured by the cannibal tribe and brought before the chief. The chief said: "I will let you live if you manage to pass two trials." They got no other choice but to ask: "What will be the first trial?" Chief said: "Go into the forest and bring me ten fruits of the same kind."They thought: "That's easy." So three of them set off immediately.The first guy came back with ten apples. The chief told him that he had to stuff the ten apples into his ass without even making a noise to pass the second trial. The first one went in fine, but when the second one went in, he couldn't help but to scream in pain. He was chop into pieces and dump into the cooking pot with the apples he brought. The second guy came back with ten cherries, The chief told him that he had to stuff the ten cherries into his *** without even making a noise to pass the second trial. The first one went in fine, the second one also went in fine, everything went fine until the last one, then he couldn't help but to laugh out loud. He was chop into pieces and dump into the cooking pot with the cherries he brought.The first guy met the second guy in heaven and asked: "You could have survived, but why do you have to laugh at the last moment?" Second guy said: "I couldn't help it, because I saw the third guy coming back with durians."
LOST TONGUE TWISTER!
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an old cat
This is idiot cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now, go back and read the THIRD word in each line, starting at the top.
A guy and a girlfriend were in a car where the guy's driving...then they decided to play a fun game where they have to do rock, paper scissors and whoever loses each time must take off 1 piece of clothing..
somehow when the girl goes till not wearing any clothing, the car suddenly crashed
the girl was able to came out with one of her bf's shoe but her bf was still stuck in the car...
a car went passed and the girl asked for help
she used her bf's shoe to cover her private part and say:
"help! my boyfriend is stuck inside!" while pointing to the car
the person who wasnt looking at where shes pointing but at the shoe was amazed and said:
"ermm....if he's soo stuck inside till only got his shoe left then...i dunno how to help already
Dracula's wish
In hell...
dracula: u really wanted me to make a wish?
grim: yes! but only 3 wishes
dracula: ok then, my first wish is to have my skin as white as snow white!my second wish is that i am supplied with blood forever~and lastly i will get to be with ladies all the time ^^
grim: your wish has been granted..now you can reborn!
dracula: but what will i become?
grim: sanitary pad!
dracula: !!!@??%&$?#@$
Japanese occupation
Three Singaporeans, Ah Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng were caught by the Japanese soldiers during the Japanese Occupation and were thrown into prison awaiting for their day of execution by the firing squad...
Ah Meng told Ah Seng and Ah Beng: "I heard that the Japanese is very scared of natural disasters. Maybe if we can shout out the natural disasters at the critical moment, we may be able to escape and save ourselves."
Ah Seng and Ah Beng nodded their heads in agreed to try out the plan.
The next day, Ah Meng was the first to be put in front of the firing squad.
The Captain shouted, "READY.... AIM...." and Ah Meng immediately shouted out, "EARTHQUAKE!! EARTHQUAKE!!"
The frightened soldiers ran for cover on hearing that and Ah Meng managed to escape.
On the second day, it's Ah Seng's turn at the firing squad....
The Captain again shouted, "READY.... AIM...." and Ah Seng quickly shouted, "FLOOD!! FLOOD!!"
Again the soldiers ran for cover on hearing that and Ah Seng escaped.
Knowing that his two friends had successfully escaped, Ah Beng kept telling himself that timing is very important. He must be able to shout the natural disaster at the right time to escape.
On the third day, it's now Ah Beng's turn at the firing squad. He kept telling himself that timing is very important.. timing is very important...
Then the Captain shouted his commands, "READY.... AIM...." and Ah Beng promptly shouted, "FIRE!! FIRE!!" and the rest is history!
Coming more next time... BYEE
10:09 PM
