Cake.

"She hasn't had her slice of cake yet; we have. It doesn't matter if she finds that she doesn't like it, she just wants to have it." - NLH, 2012

My dear friend who said that is right in a way, the particular slice of 'cake' she's talking about I haven't had, but I've been given so much already, and for that I am thankful.

At this point I really don't know what I want. But in a way it's irrelevant, since I haven't been offered that slice yet. I'll enjoy what I have until I find out if there's a chance of getting that slice in the near future, or if I'll have to wait a bit longer.

Stress.

"So, would it be possible for you to stop being so stressed out?"
"Well, that would be difficult. I don't know how to stop. It's part of who I am."

I meant it when I said it then, and I mean it now. But I also have to say this: If I didn't get so stressed out, I wouldn't be half as good at what I'm doing. The stress, the pressure of having to do well is a big reason why I work so hard.

Trust me, I would love nothing more than to be content with being 'average', because that would mean that I'd lead a more relaxed life. But I wouldn't be me.

That said, it doesn't mean that I'm not happy. I am happy. I am at peace. I am just not completely relaxed, and I don't know how to be, nor do I want to be, idle.

So this is me hoping and praying I'll get my job back sooner rather than later.

"There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever."

-Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy 

(Season 7, Episode 23)

I think, the one thing that people tend to forget about (or in denial in), is that everybody dies.

I may be morbid, but I'm also right.

On some days, I just feel so messed up.

Things that used to be black and white are now in shades of grey, and I'm starting to confuse what I think with what I feel.

In the strangest way, I look forward to the day where we'll have to part ways; if only to find out what it is we're actually doing.

In the mean time, I'll try to figure out where I actually want to be, in the midst of all of this.

I Miss...

...everyone today.


I miss my mummy.
I miss Syafiq, who is in boarding school.
I miss the other females in my family, who are away on a holiday.
I miss hanging out with the whole gang. Everyone, together. We only managed to do that once in the last two years.

I can go on, but it's best I stop here.

School reopens next week, and maybe I'll have less time to miss everyone when I'm busy with my final semester.

Here's to a great final semester, InsyaAllah.

:).

"And you stare out the window at the passing cars
And you look at the sky, thank your unlucky stars
No, you're never quite happy right where you are
Right where you are, with all that you are
So you keep on inventing shadows where there are none."

- Dia Frampton, Inventing Shadows

2011/12.

So it's the last day of the year.

The year has brought with it many highs and lows, and proven that some things just never change.

Also, time and time again, I've been shown that no matter how well you plan, there's always the chance that it won't work out.

On the bright side, I've met some pretty amazing people who I hope will stick around for at least a little while.

I'm ending it on a bit of a low note, but that's alright, because it only means that it can only get better from here on in.. or so I'm telling myself. A little optimism never hurts.

Have a blessed 2012 everyone, InsyaAllah.

Food for Thought.

"If a woman conceals her affection with the same skill from the object of it, she may lose the opportunity of fixing him; and it will then be but poor consolation to believe the world equally in the dark. There is so much of gratitude and vanity in almost every attachment, that it is not safe to leave any to itself. We can all begin freely - a slight preference is natural enough; but there are very few of us who have heart enough to be really in love without encouragement. In nine cases out of a ten, a woman had better shew more affection than she feels. Bingley likes your sister undoubtedly; but he may never do more than like her, if she does not help him on."

- Charlotte Lucas, in 'Pride and Prejudice' by Jane Austen

12102.

To, possibly, the only person who still reads my blog,

HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY!

I do not feel the need to disclose your identity because you know who you are.

I know you're going through a rough patch right now, but keep your chin up! Everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know what the reason is yet. You've been through many ups and downs (I know, because we've been friends for, like, ever), and guess what? You've made it this far! And you'll make it this time, too.

Anyway, hope you're having an awesome birthday all the way there, and I can't wait to have you back home with us. :).

Serendipity.

There are good days and bad days. The bad days may not outnumber the good days, but they are so much more memorable.

Adapted from SS, 2011

The real context of the conversation I had with that dear friend of mine will never be known, at least not to this little space. Suffice to say, I think there's so much truth in that. Thank you friend, for understanding.

Tomorrow is Here.

"Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it." - Salvador Dali

Two failures in a row. I think I need to start getting used to the feeling. At the very least, failure is humbling; and humility has never hurt anyone, has it?

The only way left to go is forward.

:).

Semester 5.

I am very seldom awake at this hour, much less blogging. But as I was trying to fall asleep, I realised what a great semester I had and I felt this sudden urge to write about it.

I've met awesome people, among them being my econometrics classmates and the MUVP people. A few hours ago, after our appreciation dinner, I just realised how much I actually enjoy their company and how I'm gonna miss those who are leaving. I've also gotten to know some of my lecturers a little better, and I have to say that I am quite in awe of one particular lecturer, and I'm glad to have actually had the opportunity to learn from him. I've also gotten to know the MUVP advisor, after one semester of being MUVP treasurer.

Most importantly, I finally realised that I am actually happy in Monash. It wasn't my first choice for university; heck, it wasn't my choice at all, but I've finally realised how lucky I am to have had this opportunity, and that it's a brilliant place, not only for studies, but also because of its people.

There can only be one way to end this post:

Alhamdulillah. :).

ETW2410.

This is an A-Level (A2) Accounting past year script.

It was so bad, that my lecturer thought I was doing it on purpose; playing the fool. I definitely wasn't, and those who know me well enough would know that I would never do that.

About two months later, I sat for my A2 Accounting paper, and got an A for it.

I still keep the script to remind myself of the power of perseverance, hard work, and most importantly, faith.

And right now, I think this is a brilliant reminder.

:).

Mean.

For someone who's supposed to be educated, you sure have a pretty narrow mind.

Watch me while I prove you wrong. :).

"You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I don't already see them."

Rewind.

Reading my old posts, both published and unpublished, has made me realised one thing:

18-year-old me was a mess.

Never again, please.

Applied Economics.

Expectations are, to a certain extent, self-fulfilling prophecies.
We expect, we act accordingly, not realising that by doing that, we are fulfilling our expectations, actually encouraging them to happen. Even if we do realise it, at least we'd be prepared.

This, however, doesn't take into account shocks, sudden events. Since we don't expect them, we can't plan our actions accordingly until they have actually happened. So things change, and we have no control over them.

What happens then?
We adjust our expectations. We adjust expectations, to accommodate for everything that has happened, including the shocks. In time, things go back to somewhat normal- but of course, not everything can be the same as before. Surely, something has changed.

Us. You and I, we change.

And that is just how the world works.

Some Optimism.

Because, really, at the end of the day, everyone just wants to be happy. No?

In the words of my beloved uncle who's not so well right now,

"There's something wrong with me right now. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'll be alright. I'll be alright."

I couldn't bear seeing him like that, partly because it got me thinking about what could have been.

I don't know what would have been worse; to lose someone completely or to have them there, just not completely himself/herself anymore?

I miss you.