Not the weeks of throwing up, not the constant back pain, not the uncomfortable, sleepless nights. Not even the 4 hospital visits we've had to make so far.
It's looking down at the scale and seeing a much bigger number than I ever expected to see. It's my wedding ring getting tighter and tighter on my finger. It's the few stretch marks that have started to form on my sides.
Obviously, I knew that weight gain was a MAJOR part of pregnancy before we made this decision to have a baby. Obviously, I knew. But I was not prepared for how it would affect me psychologically. I didn't gain any weight the first 4 months because I was terribly sick with "all day" sickness. Morning sickness is what I would call a good day, when I only threw up once or twice in the morning. But generally it was all day, all night. Then it went away and my body tried to catch up, REAL fast. And that's when things got difficult.
When I started to gain weight I could not get rid of the little voice in my head telling me that the number I was seeing on the scale was embarrassing and unacceptable, even though I had this other, more rational voice telling me that having a healthy baby means gaining weight. And people keep saying things to me like "Yes, but it's normal!" and "Don't worry, you will lose it all when you start to breast feed" and "It's okay, I knew someone who gained X amount of weight, so it could be way worse."
Yes, I KNOW all this already. But knowing these things wasn't changing the way I felt. And the pregnancy hormones do not help my self-esteem, that's for dang sure.
Anyway, I think one reason it has been so difficult for me psychologically is for the last 8 or so years of my life I have worked REALLY hard to never again let this chubby girl take over my body. (See picture below, and yes, it's okay to laugh)
I was moderately overweight until I was entering the 9th grade when I had a small growth spurt, which helped a bit, and then it took another 2 years of exercise and eating better to lose an additional 10-15 pounds. I was able to keep it off until I got married. After that I fluctuated a bit, but I was still never heavier than I was my first 2 years of high school.
So after years of watching my weight and exercising, I now had to suddenly adjust to no exercise, and lots of weight gain.
Why no exercise, you ask?
I was on bedrest the first 14 weeks of pregnancy and then more of a "take it easy" bedrest for another 6 weeks because I had issues with bleeding. In fact, doctors gave us a 50% chance that our little boy would even make it past the first trimester because I had already had 2 ER visits with heavy bleeding, which I was told several times was not "normal." Even now that baby is in the "safe" zone, exercising still causes me to bleed, so it is not an option for me during this pregnancy.
So again, working really hard for years to maintain my weight and then suddenly not be able to exercise plus me starting to gain a lot of weight (in addition to trying to manage all my cravings that were definitely not for healthy food) has been difficult for me.
It's taken a long time for me to accept the fact that it's okay that I am gaining weight and that I will look and feel heavier for a little while longer. I don't think I have fully accepted it, but some days are better than others. If nothing else, I know these feelings will really motivate me to lose it after I have my baby.
My husband has been such a great support. Truly. He is always saying that I am beautiful BECAUSE I'm pregnant, not "even though" I'm pregnant. He tells me every day that I look something like this:
Even though every day I feel a lot like this:
But every time I feel that way I try to focus my thoughts on this:
Despite my struggles, I AM so incredibly grateful for my little baby boy that is growing in my belly, and I can't wait to meet him. And the complications we've had have reminded me every day how blessed I am to still have this baby. I remember that every time I feel down or every time that evil little voice in my head tell me it's not okay to gain weight. It's crazy how our insecurities can really attack us when we least expect it—during what is one of the happiest times in my life. It's definitely been something I've been working through with lots of prayer.
I am grateful for so many things. And I only have 2 months left! But I would be lying if I pretended like pregnancy for me has been great and that I've been graceful about it. Definitely not. But I know when we have difficult times in our lives it's usually because we're needing to learn something or further refine ourselves. So I am going to use these next 9 weeks to try to learn something :).
