m'aimer pour qui je suis

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

It's been awhile hasn't it?

-start of bitching about work-

The past 6 months at work had been hell-ish. The boss has turned into a nightmare piece of shit and he'd rather trust some useless brainless junk than someone who actually does work. Absurd but this is life.

As much as i want to be brave and tender my resignation, i dont really know what else i am capable of doing, doing well that is. This job gives me some sort of standing in life, i am actually doing something good and meaningful. Sure, i am not a lawyer, not defending innocent people, not making big bucks, not as smart since i dont belong to the gifted lot, not driving a big car, unable to afford a house, unable to carry out very intellectual conversations, nor talk about all things geeky, but hey, at least i made it in life, right?

My job may be easy to many people, in the sense that i dont take on cases that involves homicide, drugs, robbery, rape, intellectual property, commercial offences. But i am not ashamed of what i do, who i am, where i received my education so no one should be in any position to comment on that either. And look, it is not as if you have done trials or face very shitty scream-y judges, so dont act like you guys know the hell i am talking about. If i had all the money in the world, i would have gone overseas, get my law degree, come back and do my bar exams. I dont even need to stay in the civil service for 5 years and hope they would grant me the exemption. We all hope for that. But i dont have the means, so i suck it up.

-end of bitching about work-

On another note, things have come to somewhat a standstill. I dont know if it is a good thing and that i should be grateful for what i have. But sometimes when you are down and almost out, because you have slogged like a slave, the last thing u need is to be reminded about how much work you do and how lowly you are being paid. i know i have been lazy, i know i want to do alot of things, like take up a hobby, go on more holidays, do something over the weekends, but i am so damn tired (physically) i seem to be incapable to do any of the above.

I dont have much to offer, not even monetary wise. But what i have i give it to the best of my abilities. I dont know if that is good enough. I should have been more thickskin before, like what someone once told you. You have the chance already, take it, be thickskin, if it backfires, at least i tried. Did i listen to that someone did i?

We will see how things go, how this pans out shall we?

He can tell me what to do, but he can't tell what to feel.

10:49 AM
In the words of jo

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

It has been awhile huh, like what? 4 months? Since it is already 11.54am, i figured i won't get much done in like 30mins so let's screw productivity for abit.

So after 4 months, we eventually see what is planned for us whether we preempted it or not. Maybe it is the better choice, or rather, since i did not actively choose and went with the flow, i supposed i subconsciously did?

Since I have gone through these 4 months without any major mishap/problem/flaw, the fact that communication was never an issue, and the level of sleepies attacks matches mine, it turned out to be a good thing.

I wish i now know what happens to me in 3 years time. (:

11:53 AM
In the words of jo

Saturday, November 27, 2010

It had been 21 days of work without a rest day, and finally on the 22nd day, i get my much deserved break. It had been a very long and tiring 21 days.

Yesterday, i started wondering if i am really cut out to be what i have always been for 3 years. I realized i am not as meticulous as i want to be nor am i clever enough to think on my feet when it comes to doing a trial. I suck at preparation and im in no way capable of doubling up as a secretary. To sum it all up, i don't know if im as brillant as what they make me out to be. At least after 21days of shit ass preparation, i doubt my boss thinks so too. And it is sad because it takes so much to build up a reputation and only seconds for someone to form an opinion of you. Of course if i could, i would blame it on others saying, hey you didn't tell me what or how you wanted things to be done so i did what i felt was the right way in my head. If at the end of it, you disagree with how i planned it in my head then well sucks to you. But i cannot and it frustrates me. I don't think i can ever be a lawyer either. So what the hell am i put on this earth to do?

So anyways, Christmas is around the corner again and armed with my 2 months bonus i am so gona conquer the malls of Singapore! The things i need (more like want) to buy should be something like this.

1) iphone 4 or 5
2) Cannon camera
3) A nice leather watch
4)Shirts/polo tees/pants
5) leather bag preferably from Agnes b, Prada, or LV.
6) new leather shoes
7) highlighting my hair
8) Sunglasses. if i can find the perfect pair
9) new tattoo?
10) holiday? if i can find someone to go with
11) tint John's windows.
12) if happiness can be bought, im so buying it too!

So there 12 items to buy, should be fun shopping after Dec 12. At some point in my life, i have to make the decision to wait indefintely for something that wouldn't look like it is ever gona happen or take too many leaps of faith and hope for the best. But in any case, i am hoping that my shopping list would help distract me from making hasty decisions!

And lastly, purely for your entertainment.

Wonder what i must break first to get some of that nom worthy breakfast!

Was hiding at one corner of Peninsula Plaza doing the usual airing business and some pigeons decided they needed to do some airing as well (:

Okay, granted the eyes look freaky but i blame the lousy camera phone. Anyhoos this wittle catty decides she wants to guard my dirty car when im having steamboat. Which is kinda adorable actually. She paced up and down my car and stared at pple who came too close to John.

Awww(((:

But if you were mine, I would love to occupy the space right by your side

12:49 PM
In the words of jo

Monday, October 18, 2010

My bro heard me sleep talk last night. I even gesticulated in my sleep. This morning when i read this note, i burst out laughing with my fucked up hair but it made my morning (: why am i such a 'boomster' ? i do not understand this...

4:57 PM
In the words of jo

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Last night, i dreamt i was aggro and shouty. I held a family captive because just like the story in Goldilocks and the Three Bears, they made themselves comfy on my bed. I got so pissed off by my brother when he did not keep an eye on them, thus allowing them to escape. I even called the Police to arrest them for trespassing. However, the Police in my dream was a useless bunch of assholes. All i remembered was i kept yelling and yelling and yelling, so much so that when i got up this morning, i felt that my lungs did alot of aggro work last night. WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH ME?

SHOUTING :
Shouting is very immediate and often shows feelings that you desperately want to put across. In many cases it shows that you wish to emphasise or make something very clear. Shouting can also suggest that you are unable to communicate some very strong emotions because people simply are not listening or you feel it is innapropriate to speak so openly.

There is a sacredness in tears, they are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and of unspeakable love.

11:02 AM
In the words of jo

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I dreamt that i was saving turtles, all 6 of em last night. then i dreamt i was making marriage kueh. dont ask me what marriage kueh was, cept that i knew it was meant for marriage purposes. Anyhooos!!

Turtle
Meaning of Dream

Animals hold interesting symbolism. Most people loved turtles in childhood and some do in adulthood. The ideas that they convey are those of steadfastness and caution. They move and change very slowly, and in your dream about them, you may be expressing some of your reluctance to forge ahead. The turtles have strong protective shells, which may also be symbolic of your defense mechanisms or real life protection with which you have surrounded yourself.

You know, i hate to say this, but it is kinda true((:

10:07 AM
In the words of jo

Sunday, October 10, 2010

What if the one i want does not want to choose me. Then what happens? Do we then change/ re-direct the focus on the one who wants or stick by the one who doesnt want? What if i am actually comfortable the way i lead my life now, would i regret if i don't get up and seize the day? What if the desire to find someone who does old people stuff is slowing fading away?

I have been having crazy dreams for a few days now and it is taking a toll on me. I go to bed early and i get up feeling like i ran a bloody marathon, mentally that is. I should try taking some trusty anarex tonight and see if the menancing brain is still giving me mad dreams. Maybe the bouts of giddiness wasnt a one off thing?

Anyhooos.. i went for Retrolicious! Kinda fun la, but Johnny Hates Jazz wasnt really all that jazzy. Debbie Gibson on the other hand, fooyooh, WOMAN, you're HOW hot... Rick Astley never seem to age and that is unfair. okay the end. Time to wash the car..

5:37 PM
In the words of jo

Thursday, September 30, 2010

I Finally Found Mr Bumps!

So Fel went to grab her breakfast at 7-11 the other day and the indian man who was manning the cashier gave us like 4 capsules of Mr Men and Little Miss claiming that promotion is over therefore he is giving them away for free. So i grabbed it, ran to a corner and chanted, Mr Bumps Mr Bumps Mr Bummmmppssss as i opened each capsule. I got to the 3rd one and got a little disheartened and WHAT DO YOU KNOW! Out rolled Mr Bumps!! Made my Tuesday like totally!!

Quite hard to smiley before coffee ya?

Stare at me for what, i wasted so much money on you! but eeehheee i finally found you! you! you!

11:20 AM
In the words of jo

Friday, September 17, 2010

"wonder if the nice lady remembers my order, meeeooww meeowww "

10:47 AM
In the words of jo

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Because i got so pissed off during lunch yesterday, i felt very very justified to buy Floppsy. Okay Fel decided to name him Floppsy and gave him an arm band/ or trunk band while i was out deck in black n white. I thought Dummie was a nice name. no?

Anyhoos, everyone, please meet Floppsy alias Dummie. ((: He made me forget why im working in this shit hole with god awful people who take away your purpose and pride at work.

11:48 AM
In the words of jo