It's Been Too Long.

Its been too long since I last posted.
So many things have changed since I've started work.
But I think the most important lies in the change in perception.
Maybe coming out to work really changed my views on life,
And what I want ahead.

I really want to make a post at times,
But the more I think about it, the more I think I shouldn't post them in public.
I mean, even if I write them will people understand what I truly mean?
This seems to the the case all along.
So I think it'll be best I put them elsewhere, offline.
It just took me some time to understand it.

It seems that the people expects a certain behavior from me.
It makes them uncomfortable if I deviate too much from that.
If I say things that are too out of their known scope of reality it unsettles them.
Even if it is the truth.

So be it, I thought.
Like all things I'll get used to it.
I treat it as the ongoing process of growing up.
All I want to say is, we seem to be living in an increasing appearance-oriented world.

It has been almost 2 years on.
And there are some thing I cannot let go of.
I have tried many ways to let it go or weed it out,
But it stayed.
Well I thought then let it stay.
Let it be a constant reminder of my unreadiness back then.
If in the end it has to turn into a lifelong regret, so be it.
Or else just let it be till the day it can die away.

I am still young.
There is still so much ahead of me.
Here I am entering the best time in my life.
I don't know what lies ahead of me.
But like so many before who have ventured into the unknown,
I find the courage to try things out.
I never stop rationalizing.
I don't forget the past.

Keep it Real

Things have started to settle down.
And in turn becoming more boring as well.
I have a great job that offers me much flexibility.
I am working towards a degree.
It is tiring but with each step I tell myself the future I am working for is coming nearer.

Days have become more occupied.
I find life a lot more fulfilling than ever.
Every single minute of the day I am working for something.
No longer do I mentally reach out into the random.
I am occupied, directed and tamed.

It is not wrong to think a lot.
It must be directed and with relevance filtered out.
And this is something I remind myself everyday.
To not think so much of irrelevant things.

With things starting lose its energy and slow down,
I must slow down with it as well.
And this is something I keep practicing.
The phase of looking for which paths to walk is over.
Now is to concentrate on walking it.
It takes practice, but I can figure it out.

All in all I am in a much better shape than before.
I have most of the old bugs sorted out.
Old concerns are replaced with new, less toxic ones.
I shouldn't let distant concerns bother me so soon.
When they come they will come.
Thinking of a plan is one thing.
Worrying about it is another.
Thinking is prudent, worrying is just a waste of time.

I work hard to try to keep all these in line, and to practice it too.
Some fine-tuning is required but it is all good.
There are random spats of incoherence and ill-feelings.
But they are just that- random and distant.
The major troubles of the past are gone.

I try not to think of the past.
Though sometimes I still do.
They can still teach me something.
Things that I use to moderate my daily life.
It will always affect me to a certain extent.
Sometimes it is just more prudent to not think about it at all.

With the big plans in place,
Now on to the small details and to straighten them out.
The challenge now is to make a mundane life interesting.
That I'm fine.
The key is just not to walk the past again.
Those times filled with confusion and hurt.
And I always remind myself,
What I have now is certainly easier to deal with than the past.

So this is Happiness..

It has been 3 months since I've started work.
Things have become better and better.
I am thankful for everything.
For all the joyful experiences I have not seen for years already.
That long night is really over.

The past have become a sort of an annoying afterthought.
I still think about it sometimes but it is all different now.
The lure of the future and the joys of the present have pushed the past aside.
Over time I feel I am truly starting anew.

The joys of friendship is something I have not experienced for a long time.
Many have passed through my life in the past year, but not all can be called friends.
I have to decide which ones will work out.
How I will not make the same mistakes again.

Traditionally this has never been my strong point.
At heart I still feel like an social awkward.
But how long more can I afford to fail?
I just have to try and find new ways around it. 
And think I have learnt my lessons well enough to start over again.
There's more to learn along the way.

When we have nothing, we will appreciate everything.
What else can I be afraid of?
Now that I have so much more than before,
Anything is better than the past.

I still have not forgotten those times of mistakes and darkness.
I cannot.
They serve as constant reminders of my limits and weaknesses.
Warnings I will be wise to heed.
As I work my way into the future,
I must be aware of all these.

In times of happiness and prosperity we tend to be complacent.
We tend to think less and enjoy more.
And in the midst of enjoyment we can easily forget reality.
But the world around us is ever changing.
And we must change with it.
Failure to make the correct changes have cost me much in the past.
As much as I should enjoy, I must not stop.

These are realities I cannot forget.
Happiness may cloud them, making us believe they do not exist.
But they are ever present, always exerting their unbiased influence.
And I must move together with them.

Whenever I write I turn one small thought into large and numerous ones.
It is like a mirror to my inner self.
As if I am telling myself what to do.
The act of thinking changes small ideas into large ones.
And sometimes through the details I see important points I should take note.
I should do this more often.
The world is a lot larger and more detailed than I can ever imagine.

Starting Anew

Life is really getting back on track one month after I'm back.
The money just came in and it loosen the ropes that tied me up.
I can finally pay off my debts rolled up from the US trip.
And I can ease my daily expenses control too.
It gave me a taste of living a frugal life.
With good planning it is not that hard after all.

I feel very content now.
Things have started anew ever since I'm back.
My mind is largely cleared of the old distractions.
Even though they still hit sometimes, but it is never like before again.
And with work comes the money and a new life.
With all things going well, I can only look forward to what life has for me.

This trip to the US gave me more than I ever expected.
Looking back at what I have saw, I still learn new things everyday.
And apply them in my daily life.
With a different perspective, old things look new again.
The world seemed refreshed.
There is so much to see and learn again.

School is going to start next January.
Really looking forward to meeting new people and studying the things I like.
This is just one of those rare moments that life is balanced finely with all things going well.
No major crisis, no screw ups on my part, no cleaning up internal messes.
A period of great stability and calm.
It has never been the norm.
But I am prepared for everything.

After so many lessons in life over the past 4 years.
It is good to try again.
With the knowledge and pain gained over these years.
They serve as a reminder on how ugly things can become.
Even though they are beautiful at the start.
We only get one chance.
Mess it up and it is gone.
I don't want to make the same mistakes again.

I try to face up to my past.
But can it be done with all of them?
Some perhaps, but not all.
Some things are as damaged and should be left so.
It would only bring up more pain again, with even more to come
There is simply nothing left, all spent and squandered in the past.
It is best to leave some things as it is.

As I try to reestablish friendship with old pals again, I am glad to be meeting new ones too.
Slowly I begin to get things back in order again.
And achieve a stability I have never experienced before.
With conflict and the potential for conflict at a minimal.

It seems life finally has a clear path again.
All I need is just to follow it.
I don't ask for more.
Content and thankful I am.

That Few Seconds

Everyone is rushing somewhere.
Speed is everything.
From crossing the streets a few seconds before the green man comes.
To walking so fast till we sweat.
Chasing for a bus, when the next one is just 5 minutes behind.
Running for the lift.
How much time do we really gain out of it?
Is it at all important in the end?

I know, because I feel it in me.
Like a sort of Rush Syndrome.
Once I'm back in this country I begin to act like the others.
And I began to realize what it is.
Because when others are doing it, subconsciously I'll think its important.
That it is meaningful to be minutely calculative.
But really, is that miniscule advantage we get in the end really significant?

We don't want to fall behind.
Sure it is never good to live at the back side of the social curve.
But I ask myself,
Will gaining that few seconds really gain me anything?
At the expense of all the additional background mental costs.
Minute, but perceptible, and cumulative.
It all adds up.
Until the end of the day we feel so worn out.

There are stressed faces everywhere.
Sad and worn out.
That deep sunken and hollow look.
No one smiles.
No one has the space to tolorate.
We are all living at the edge, ready to fall off at the slightest push.
Anger flies everywhere.
We call it part of life but it need not be so.
We simply rush too much.

We are so driven to gain that little advantage possible.
At the decisive moment it will be significant.
But need it be every moment?
I ask myself this, should I be like this?
But if I slacken off, how will others view me?
Happy-go-lucky and laid back?
Well, I should decide for myself what I want.
And it is clear, this is not what I want.

I think we all can do it, to treat life and ourselves easier.
We all WANT to do it.
But we are afraid to.
Afraid that once we slacken off we'll lose out so significantly we'll fall to the back end of the curve.
It is so imbued in our blood that we breathe, live and work with it.
It is hard to shake it off.
And even harder to contemplate the consequences we think will be.

Ultimately, does it really matter that we reach work 2 minutes earlier when we walk faster?
Or reach class 10 seconds earlier by walking before the green man lights up?
To pile our minds with all these stress?
As long as we're on time, we do our job, we go home safe.
When our minds are lighter, we smile more.
We know and appreciate ourselves better.
We see others in a better light.
Life gets easier.

It is commendable that we have the fighting spirit.
But over that few seconds or minutes?
Surely there are greater things to worry about.

Unforgettable California!

The trip to California was awesome!
I was never really interested in American culture.
Now I'm absolutely in love with it!
It was my firsts for so many things.
Everything will most probably stay in my mind all my life.

It was like stepping into an alien world completely different from the one I know.
Nowhere close to anywhere in Asia.
The culture is completely different.
We tend to keep to ourselves, but the Americans like to reach out to the others.
I took a while to get used to it.
Everyone is just so friendly I don't know how to get used to it.
From the supermarket cashier to the average man on the street.

It was Western food heaven too!
Though the folks can't really get used to it.
Pasta, burgers and pizza.
I couldn't get enough.
Especially when Asian food is more expensive.
And I was loving the weather too!
Even when the temperature was hot, I seldom sweat because the air was so dry.
And I love it when the weather turns cold!
Less those really bad chills, it would be a waste to don jackets to keep the cold out!

It was fun to step out to explore the city in public transport.
I very much miss the trains and buses in Singapore.
We have such an efficient and extensive system that can get us anywhere on the island.
It is still a lot better and faster to drive in LA.

Exploring Los Angeles made me step into the very source of modern culture.
The legend of Hollywood, all the good old classic music, the places that inspired many songs.
Even the street names are known to some extent throughout the world.
Names like Sunset Boulevard, Santa Monica,and so many others.
We see it all the time in movies, games and MTVs.
Not to mention visiting the actual locations where movies are filmed.
To visit the very source of all our theatrical amazement,
It made me shiver in awe!

I finally got to fulfill my dream of watching a proper sunset by the beach.
Unobstructed by clouds of other things.
Something quite difficult to achieve in Singapore.
Would have been mighty romantic if its with a girl!
And got the chance to snap some great photographs too!

Not to mention Disneyland too!
I was never a fan of Mickey Mouse and gang.
But when I saw him in the park I joined in the celebration too.
And by the end of the day I was a kid once again.
It was amazing, to be able to live a childhood I thought was no longer significant again.
In so many parts I had tears in my eyes.

I had my first opportunity to visit one of those great Museums of the West.
Though it was nowhere near the scale or extensive collection of those really top museums.
Like the Smithsonian, British Museum or those in New York.
But it was still a great eye-opener.
Things I've read about since I was a kid came to life.
For example the Aztecs, dinosaurs and geological sciences, the wooly mammoth.
Real dinosaur bones!
And they are really huge!

I took a big break as well.
Mentally and emotionally.
I guess things are easier when you go to a place far away,
And just stay there for a while.
Out of sight, out of mind.
I come back feeling completely new.
Refreshed and awake.
With a new mindset too.

It made me see things in a different light.
And from then on things are not the same anymore.
The world is so big.
And flying around to feel the distance humbles me.
We're just a small part of the greater world out there.
Our concerns seem so small.

There's so much more we can do.
So much more our minds can go.
I find myself freed of many things.
In a culture that doesn't rush as much,
People smile more.
And I've learnt some of that too.
I can live my life differently.

It was magical alright.
But the more dreamlike it is, the more we must wake up.
My reality is here, in Singapore.
What stays with me are the things I get to learn in the US.
They sure can make my life here better.
Sometimes we don't really need good conditions to thrive.
All it takes may be just a change in mindset.

I'm glad to be back.
No longer as fearful anymore.
I look forward to starting my adult life,
And the many challenges ahead.
There are more things to learn along the way.
And happiness to harvest with every step into the future.

'Being Ourselves'

It is society's hype to 'Be Ourselves'.
Of course we must.
But it is an idea open to abuse.
And abused by many it is.
It has turned us inwards and unreceptive to change.
Even at times when change is the only way to feel better.

We want to 'Be Ourselves'.
But can we?
Who are we?
What do we want ourselves to be?
Is it realistic at all?
We all say dream the impossible so they will become possible.
But if it is really beyond our means, written in hard truth,
Then wouldn't we be walking in the dark and hurting ourselves?

Do we really want to 'be ourselves' at the expense of everything else?
Even reality?
Those that we should really be paying attention to?
And live in an unreal world where everything else is falling apart,
Just because we can be who we want?
It seems like a long-expired extension of childhood tantrum.

We are born with a basic template of who we are.
Our likes, our tempers, and our traits.
And we go through ordeals that simultaneously make and break us.
We carry baggage of the past.
But that does not mean we don't have a choice.
We can edit the template that is given to us.
We can choose to shape who we are.

To give in to the classic argument of 'being ourselves' as an excuse to change is surrendering to chance.
The indirect refusal to edit the template life has given us.
Which may be good or bad to start with.
It may have its inconsistencies and flaws.
But we can correct them.
We must correct them.
And we may spend a lifetime at it.
But it is always better than mindless acceptance of a flawed self.
'Being ourselves' is no excuse for self-destructive behaviors.
It is like to running into an iceberg in full knowledge of its consequences,
But refusing to change course all for the sake of 'Being Myself'.

We can choose what we believe in.
What we put into our minds.
We can learn.
And they better be the right stuff.
We better make good effort to make sure they are.
Because we alone have to be responsible for it.
And they shape what we define as reality.
And it better be accurate.
The others may tell you otherwise.
But at the end of the day, we are the one to live our lives.
To enjoy its rewards, or its consequences.

And so it is.
It seems 'Being Ourselves' is an idea we will come across and embrace at some point in our lives.
As a safeguard against bad influence perhaps.
But when overdone, the resulting isolation makes one disillusioned about reality.
When seen against the larger backdrop of life,
It is nothing more than an adolescent idea.
One that will serve its purpose for a while but has no future when practiced till the end.
Or one that will simply become an excuse against meaningful change.

'Being Ourselves' is an idea that may seem deterministic in nature.
Like we have control, we are taking control and it is good control.
But when abused we become rigid and unyielding to change.
It becomes an idea that leaves us to chance in an ever changing world.
And unless the odds are forever in our favour,
One day the roll of the dice will put us on the losing side.

The idea was tantalizing.
It has many promises.
When done correctly its promises can be fulfilled.
But those promises are not the end.
When it finally delivers its promises, we must decide what to do with them.
What is our next step.
To weed out inconsistencies in our characters and move forward.

That is finding ourselves.
To not stay at a point and declaring our last stand.
But to keep moving, discovering and correcting.
To define who we are beyond what fate and chance has set.
We are never perfect.
In good spirit we strive to be.
But it will be foolish to believe we can ever be.