Welcome here, 2013

Thank God we survived the end of the world. I was seriously terrified on 20th December and was seriously considering whether I should write a will or at least a message to be placed in a bottle so that the future human race can read and know about the way the world ended. I never got around to doing it though. Maybe next time when it really does end. Hopefully not in my lifetime.

It feels so good to be writing again. I've forgotten how cathartic it is. I feel better already. So it's the year 2013! Welcome! Year 2012 was... absent. I know it's a really weird way of describing it but it was like that for me.

Let me explain it or at least try..  In the year 2012, many life-changing things took place. I went back to school after at least a year away from studying. Met new people. Learnt many new things about myself. Lost friends. Lost many things. Gained a very good friend. Very blessed to still be with the love of my life. New experiences. But yet something felt different. I lost myself in the massive changes that were taking place around me. I became so obsessed in not making the same mistakes so much so that I wasn't myself anymore. I became what I thought other people wanted me to be and the more I tried fitting in, the more wrong it felt. The more disgusted I was with myself. I did things that I usually wouldn't do. I hung out with people that I usually wouldn't want to associate with.  I became a push-over. I wasn't me. I hated it. I fucking hated it.

Only now, on hindsight, is it so clear. I was so unhappy with everything, found fault in everyone around me. Searched for happiness in others. Obviously, it was unsuccessful. The problem was with me. No matter what the surroundings, I was unhappy with myself. I was filled with self-loathing. Because I hated the things I was doing, the person I was trying to be. I wasn't me. I know that now.

I'm making a promise to myself that this year is going to be different. This year I am going to be me. I'm going to choose, I'm going to be selective. I am going to be happy. I know it's not going to be easy. Heck, it's gonna even be harder than last year. Cause this year I care. This year I am not going to go with the flow. Why fit in, when I was born to stand out? I am going to be me. I won't force myself to be with people I don't want to be with. I'm not going to force a laugh or a smile just to have someone like me. I'm going to do things that I've wanted to do for so long but never got the guts or the time to do it. On the flipside, I'm gonna stop doing things that I hate, stop being with people that I know are just not worth my bloody time. I'm gonna hold the people I care about so much closer. I'm gonna love fiercer than I ever did before. This year is going to be one hell of a year. And I can't wait. xx