at first it was going great then all of a sudden,

without warning or any tell-tale signs,

a storm broke out.

and i felt dirty and used.

its 2am and i'm suppose to be asleep seeing that i have to be awake again in abt 2 hrs plus to eat sahur, i just have this strong urge to blog. not that i have anything in particular to really say. but i feel like just blogging whatever comes to mind. and to all those wonderful people who read my blog do take what i type w a pinch of salt cause it is all unedited from the depths , of what i call my mind.

i've been going through a whole lot of shit lately. with all the school work piling up against me and with the recent erosion of my 2 year relationship w a beautiful person. i've come to realise that when i go through crap times like this, in my mind i turn back time and relive the pleasant memories in my head looking through them like an old photo journal. i did the same when my grandma was on her deathbed. things seem so hard to cope with then. it still amazes me how i can remember things so clearly. the smell of disinfectant in the hospital and the many nights spent at the 7 eleven at first floor just sipping my drink till it was time to go back up to the room to see her, hoping and praying that she would get better. i remember leaving school after IR and rushing down to the hospital walking from simei mrt to the hospital cause the stupid bus took so long to come. and those hours when i spent at her bedside and those times when i drank that pathetic slosh called coffee that was sold at the vending, i thought of the times when my grandma and i would just sit down and talk. or the times when i brought her to the clinic and she would feel so happy just to be with me and out of the house. and when i thought of these, i would smile to myself and for a moment i would forget the fact that this was it, the time had come. i miss her so much. and tonight sitting alone on my bed, i wish she was here with me.

i'm doing it again, with my relationship faltering , i think of the many times when we hung out at the beach, the many times i went over and the many times when we laugh till our tummies hurt. nobody can understand what we have. heck they can't even begin to comprehend the connection that we have. and i'm happy to say that we've survived alot and look at how far we've come my dear. and i dont care what they say. i dont give a f what anyone else says. and i'm so happy we're working things out. we can get through this just like how we got through o levels and all the shit. remember 2nd august? :) good times and many more to come.

school sucks but its great having friends to just talk and laugh with when life gets me down.

i' m a really lucky person and i had to type out this blog post to come to such realization. i am so grateful. and so happy.

i watched this today and it made me cry.

Cause it struck so fking close to home.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uelHwf8o7_U

You ever love somebody so much

You can barely breathe

When you're with them

You meet

And neither one of you

Even know what hit 'em

Got that warm fuzzy feeling

Yeah them chills

Used to get 'em

Now you're getting fucking sick

Of looking at 'em

You swore you've never hit 'em

Never do nothing to hurt 'em

Now you're in each other's face

Spewing venom

And these words

When you spit 'em

You push

Pull each other's hair

Scratch, claw, bit 'em

Throw 'em down

i see the end in sight.

work work work work.
a bottomless pit
a journey of no return.
a trip of no particular destination.

i am drained.

i never thought it would be this hard. i wanted us to be together tonight. cause the next two days would be difficult for us to come together. since you were here why couldnt you stay the night? i guess to a certain extent its selfish of me but all i'm asking for is to be with you. i dont ask for anything more. i'd give you everything in return. but when you told me you had to go, it just really struck me like a fucking slap on my face. i used to tell myself that maybe i'm pushing it, pushing you too far with all this requests. but i realise that i have not. you come by and stay when its convenient. so that you wouldnt be late for sch the next day. you stay when you dont have any other things to do or places to go. and when you stay, you spent the whole time occupied with your work. maybe its true. maybe i am not good enough. maybe i'm just a convenient pit stop for you till you move on to UCL or to some other person.

but i'm telling you i have already given everything to you. i'm nothing.

You must find someone your own age,

someone mild and beautiful to be your lover.

Someone who will tremble for your touch,

offer you a marguerite by its long stem with eyes lowered,

someone whose fingers are a poem

- "White Oleander" by Janet Fitch

time spent in school today was a waste of time. time spent after that was an even bigger waste of my time. seeing that half the people there weren't even interested.

o god. how could i have been so naive to think that we would hit it off. i was so damn dissapointed. such a letdown mann. cant get over it.