It's easy to believe when someone says that he or she will always be there for you and have your back. It could be a girlfriend or boyfriend or your friends or even your family. When they say things like that, not only is it easy to believe, you actually want to believe them. But the bitter truth beneath their spoken (and unspoken) promises is that they can't always be there for you (even if they wanted to). I don't mean to sound depressing so hear me out. No matter how often others reassure you that you are not alone in your fight. In actual fact, you are. People, no matter how closely related they are to you, would always have their own agenda. They would have their own battles to fight. There's gonna be a lot of instances where you will have to go through tough situations alone when your loved ones are busy (like mine so often are). Maybe I've not meant the right one or maybe I'm just not in the right state of mind at the moment, but I truly believe that there is no one out there that will care for you as well as you would for yourself. "No one has your back like you do." No matter how selfless someone else might portray themselves to be, I think that deep down, they will always put themselves first. It's an animal instinct. Something nature has embedded into us. I've had these thoughts for a while now, but only lately have I allowed myself to fully come to terms with them. At the end of the day, I think it best that you rely on yourself alone. Learn to stand on your own two feet and be at peace with yourself. Cause it sure is all that you've got in this world.

I've been dealt with so much prejudice, discrimination and hate lately that I really don't know how to handle it anymore. Just to set the record straight ( oh the irony) , prejudice, discrimination and hate rarely come out in outright bursts anymore. People are too educated and polite to do that now. It slips through in the meanings implied through people's words, in the 'meaningful' advice that people give and the look in people's eyes when they realize that you're different. 

The fact of the matter is why do you care about the way I choose to lead my life. Even though I don't believe in living my life the way other people choose to does not make me any less of a human being. It does not make my relationship any less significant than others. Yesterday, a friend of mine looked me in the eye and told me that my relationship for the last past 5 years might have just been a platonic friendship that I have mistaken as something more. This is a relationship that I've poured my heart and soul into keeping it alive for the past 5 years and she goes on and says this nonchalantly. I don't know where to begin to even address the ignorance that went into saying this comment. 

 I understand that people go through different experiences in life and these experiences shape the person's outlook on life. What I don't get is how anyone can really be genuinely changed. I believe that despite whatever that goes on around you, there is a spark in you that remains that same. The core of a person still remains the same. My friend told me about how she's met the right people and how they have helped her to see what is right. She made it sound as if she was sober, as if it was some sort of addiction that you could get rid of if you attended meetings with the right people, sort of like AA. Almost as if like she was battling a disease and fortunately met the right doctors.  She said that at times, she could feel herself slipping back into her old ways.

 When she spoke to me, her words sounded foreign, like they weren't hers. It was as though she was repeating someone else's words. It made me wonder who got so deep into her skin until they could mould her heart and shape her thoughts. I wonder what did they say to her to make her feel wrong enough so that she would wanna be right. I wonder whether she felt ashamed because she could have been different. I wonder what it took to convince her of the fact that what she felt was wrong. I wonder whether she did it to fit in.

I hope you find peace in your choices. I hope that you will never have to look back and wonder 'what if.' I hope that the words of people around you will always suffice. I hope that you will never regret. I hope that you find yourself soon enough and realize that you are right just the way you are.

As for myself, I will continue to hold on and fight for my love. If one day we do fall out of love, it will not be because I was too scared to try or because I wanted to make the people around me happy. Till then, I will continue fighting. 

I wish I had company tonight. I wish someone would save me from myself.

Her heart became as heavy as it was big. It weighed her down like an anchor. She cut off the chains and floated into the sky. 

Maybe we're just not meant to be.

Welcome here, 2013

Thank God we survived the end of the world. I was seriously terrified on 20th December and was seriously considering whether I should write a will or at least a message to be placed in a bottle so that the future human race can read and know about the way the world ended. I never got around to doing it though. Maybe next time when it really does end. Hopefully not in my lifetime.

It feels so good to be writing again. I've forgotten how cathartic it is. I feel better already. So it's the year 2013! Welcome! Year 2012 was... absent. I know it's a really weird way of describing it but it was like that for me.

Let me explain it or at least try..  In the year 2012, many life-changing things took place. I went back to school after at least a year away from studying. Met new people. Learnt many new things about myself. Lost friends. Lost many things. Gained a very good friend. Very blessed to still be with the love of my life. New experiences. But yet something felt different. I lost myself in the massive changes that were taking place around me. I became so obsessed in not making the same mistakes so much so that I wasn't myself anymore. I became what I thought other people wanted me to be and the more I tried fitting in, the more wrong it felt. The more disgusted I was with myself. I did things that I usually wouldn't do. I hung out with people that I usually wouldn't want to associate with.  I became a push-over. I wasn't me. I hated it. I fucking hated it.

Only now, on hindsight, is it so clear. I was so unhappy with everything, found fault in everyone around me. Searched for happiness in others. Obviously, it was unsuccessful. The problem was with me. No matter what the surroundings, I was unhappy with myself. I was filled with self-loathing. Because I hated the things I was doing, the person I was trying to be. I wasn't me. I know that now.

I'm making a promise to myself that this year is going to be different. This year I am going to be me. I'm going to choose, I'm going to be selective. I am going to be happy. I know it's not going to be easy. Heck, it's gonna even be harder than last year. Cause this year I care. This year I am not going to go with the flow. Why fit in, when I was born to stand out? I am going to be me. I won't force myself to be with people I don't want to be with. I'm not going to force a laugh or a smile just to have someone like me. I'm going to do things that I've wanted to do for so long but never got the guts or the time to do it. On the flipside, I'm gonna stop doing things that I hate, stop being with people that I know are just not worth my bloody time. I'm gonna hold the people I care about so much closer. I'm gonna love fiercer than I ever did before. This year is going to be one hell of a year. And I can't wait. xx

Wow! It's been a long since the last time i posted here. I read that there has been readers from Russia. So here's a shout out to those from Russia! Will post here soon. Hope you're all doing well :)