Hello Sabah!

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Hey there! :)

Now that you know the truth about me, I guess now you have a small idea of how my life has been within these past 6 years.

After my first episode of Schizophrenia and Depression, within that same year, I was accepted by Universiti Malaysia Sabah. The programme that was offered to me was International Tropical Forestry. I was soooooooooo excited that I got accepted!

However, my family did not allow me to accept that offer in the first place. I was being stubborn, I begged them especially my mother and my Simbuk to let me go. My Papa did not allow me to go as well. The first thing that my Papa said to me when I said I was going to accept that offer was, ‘ Nichelle, do you have any idea of what happened to you within this past 2 months?’. I replied by answering my Papa that I have no idea. Because I did not realise that I was actually suffering from a mental illness. All I knew was I need to eat my anti psychotic and my anti depressant, which was Olanzapine and Lexapro every single night.

I prayed so hard that my family will let me go and pursue my studies. There was one night, I tried to have a conversation with my mother.

Me: ‘Mummy, jaman mummy oku odi skolah dek Sabah kanih yeh?’ which means, ‘ Mummy, don’t you allow me to study in Sabah?’
Mummy: ‘ Idoh oku jaman muu odi tapi ninga muu tih diok. Muu mondam ni Chelle. Tolu nyam kuk tingia muu sadik dek Sabah kanih’ which means, ‘ It’s not that I don’t allow you to go but look at your condition. You are sick, Chelle. I feel afraid of letting you to be alone in Sabah’.
Me: ‘Mummy, oku moh pandai jaga odop oku. Umur oku moh 19 sowa. Oku sadik geh masa oku blajar dek Labuan. Mun oku pandai jaga odop oku dek Labuan, oku pandai geh jaga odop oku dek Sabah’ which means, ‘ Mummy, I am good at taking care of myself. I am 19 years old. I was alone when I studied in Labuan. If I can take good care of myself in Labuan, then I can take good care of myself in Sabah’.
Mummy: ‘ Mun muu laan geh skolah dek Sabah, janji duoh Mummy muu mak komut Topa duoh Jesus duoh Holy Spirit. Odak Mother Mary semayang saan muu geh’ which means ‘ If you really want to study in Sabah, promise Mummy that you will not forget God, Jesus and Holy Spirit. Ask Mother Mary to pray for you as well’.
Me: ‘ Mak susah, Mummy. Ogik Jesus jaga oku kanih’ which means, ‘ Don’t worry, Mummy. Jesus takes good care of me’.
Mother: 'Mak selalu sedih yoh, Chelle.  Muu mesti happy happy'. 

That was how my conversation went with my mother as far as I can remember.

I had a talk with my Simbuk and Papa as well but I don’t remember how our conversations went.

God answered my prayers by having the green light from my whole family to study in Universiti Malaysia Sabah.



With all my love,
Nichelle . 

I was diagnosed as having schizophrenia and depression six years ago. I’m not gonna tell you how I got them because when I think of that past, my heart aches really badly. It’s the kind of past that I don’t ever want to remember.

Ever since then, my life is not the same as how it was before. My life was not the same. My life changed FOREVER.

I’ve changed.

I’ve been struggling with my life ever since then.

During my first episode of schizophrenia, I did not know that I was having schizophrenia.
Things were damn awful. I could not recognize my parents. I couldn’t recognize my grandparents. I could not recognize my relatives and friends.

I was not being myself. I experienced hallucinations. I felt like there is somebody who wants to kill me. I felt like there is somebody out there who wants me dead. I was very terrified.

Do you know what was my mistake that time?

I totally forgot the existence of my Heavenly Father, Loving Lord Jesus and Sweet Holy Spirit.
I didn’t remember them at all. I was very fearful. I felt like I was going to be dead.

My neighbours and a few of my friends came over to my house to see me. I just could not recognize them at all. The only person whom I recognize was my very good and close friend, Christina. Then, most of my relatives came over to my house and tried to talk to me but I just could not. I was confused.

At that point, I did not know how on earth I should feel. I did not know how I should feel about myself. I did not know how I should feel about the people around me.

I did not know how to feel happy. I did not know how to feel sad. I did not know how to feel angry. I did not know how to feel disappointed. I could not feel any emotion. I just did not know how to feel.
I was so confused with my surrounding. I felt like I was dying.

 I remember my Simbuk had to drive all the way from kampung and picked me up from my home in town. That night, when I was back in kampung, I experienced hallucinations. They sounded so fucking real that I could not sleep at all. I heard people laughing. I heard people crying. It was damn awful. I could not let go of my Simbuk's hand that night because I was scared and fearful. I told myself that night, if I am meant to die that night, then I will die. Then I heard voices and saw shadows. 

The next morning, my Simbuk took me to a clinic in Siburan. Then the doctor from that clinic asked my Simbuk to refer me to Sarawak General Hospital. 

Then, my Simbuk and Babai brought me to SGH. I cannot remember how exactly the process was but all I could remember was there were so many doctors who tried to talk to me but I just could not reply them. At that time, I felt like these doctors were able to read my thoughts and my mind.

My Mummy and Papa had to leave their work and rushed to the hospital. I remember I was forced to sit on a wheelchair and I was brought to this room. There was a doctor in that room, with my parents.  

They had a conversation going on but I just could not understand what they were talking about. The doctor prescribed me some medications and my parents continued on talking to the doctor. 

After that, we went back home in town and my Simbuk stayed with us at town. 

Simbuk brought me to a private psychiatrist the next morning. No, it's a different pscyhiatrist, not the one from SGH. 

Simbuk did most of the talking because I just did not know what to say. Like I said, I was confused.  
Then he told Simbuk that I am experiencing depression. 

For the first time in my entire life, I was prescribed anti psychotic medications. SGH prescribed me olanzapine and the private psychiatrist prescribed me lexapro. 

So yeah. There goes my first episode of Schizophrenia and Depression. 

With all my hugs to you, 
Nerine Nichelle Frazier. 













6 years later...

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Hey you! Yes, you the one reading this sentence. 

 It has been a long, long time since I posted something on my blog. 
It was 6 years ago. That's a really long time, isn't it? :) 

 Thanks to Aunty Sarah from Befrienders KK, she advised me to write out my thoughts and share them with my friends and family.

 So, here I am, following Aunty Sarah's advice. 

 Many things happened to my life within these 6 years of hiatus. Bad and good memories were made. The bad memories, they taught me lessons. The good memories, they are for me to think of when I feel down. 

 Okay, let's start from my life in 2012. 

 In 2012, I finally get to fulfil my childhood dream of entering a university after attending college. I went to Labuan Matriculation College which is also known as Kolej Matrikulasi Labuan. After I'm done with my studies in college, I thank God that I got accepted by Universiti Malaysia Sabah. The course that they offered me was International Tropical Forestry. This course was under The School of International Tropical Forestry. That was before they change it to Faculty of Science and Natural Resources. That what makes UMS to be different from other public universities in Malaysia, they used to use the word ' School' instead of Faculty. However, I guess some changes are meant to be made. So, ' Faculty' it is. 

 However, another childhood dream was unfulfilled. I did not get to graduate. I was feeling so depressed but I always, always tell myself that God definitely has a reason why I am not meant to be a forestry graduate. 

 To tell you readers the truth, I have a struggle before I enter to UMS. Something really awful happened to me. 
I will tell you in my next post. 

 Thanks for reading this post after 6 years! 

 All my hugs and kisses to you, 
Nerine Nichelle Frazier. 


smile :)

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FIVE SIMPLE RULES FOR HAPPINESS :



  1. Free your heart from hatred. 
  2. Free your mind from worries.
  3. Live simply.
  4. Give more.
  5. Expect less. 

boredom

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Hello there! 

It has been 22 days since I'm home. It has not been a month yet. 
I gotta admit it. I miss KML so badly. You know why?
There are so many memories made over there. 
And you know, sometimes I always have the thoughts of reliving those memories but obviously that is highly impossible. 
Time machine doesn't exists.
There is a reason why God doesn't let the creation of time machine happened.
Because the past is meant to be the past. There isn't any way to be in the past except that we can learn something from it .. especially lessons and mistakes.

There is something that I want. 

I wanted a perfect ending but deep inside, I know perfect doesn't exists. Now I've learned the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. I'm supposed to collect and keep memories, not things. 


Aisehman! Why am I being emo all of the sudden? Hahahahah. :P

xx

goodbye hiatus

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Hello! It seems like this blog has been on hiatus for a very long time. Hahah. I didn't have any idea on what I should post here. So, I shall think of something as a quick entry over here.

For the past few months, I was not in Kuching. I was far, far away ... well, it isn't that far. Hahaha. I've been in an island. An island called Labuan which is considered as the Federal Territory by the Malaysian government.

Semester 2 was really awesome. Organic Chemistry was playing games with my heart and brain. Mathematics was killing my brain cells. Biology was being nice to me. Computer Science was messing around with my heart.

I've been back in Kuching for GOOD since a few days ago. My family picked me up at the airport and had our supper at BDC right away. Haha. My sisters were being funny. When they saw me at the arrival hall after I've claimed my luggage, they hugged me so tightly and I felt like I got squeezed. They said they have not seen my face in a long time. Hahah!

You know what really made me smile and made my day?
Having that one last conversation on the phone before I'm back to my hometown.


xx

being nothing more than ignorant

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Nobody knows the real me. Nobody knows how many time I've sat in my room and cried, how many times I've lost hope, how many times I've been let down. Nobody knows how many times I've had to hold back the tears, how many times I've felt like I'm about to snap but I don't just for the sake of others. Nobody knows the thoughts that go through my head whenever I'm sad, how horrible they truly are. Nobody knows me but me and God.

random thoughts #2

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I have no idea what has gotten into me. I don't wanna miss a thing is currently on my iTunes now. Yeah, the famous soundtrack from the movie Armageddon sang by Aerosmith. It's one of my all-time favorite old school songs. You may think that I have a weird sense of music but i think that old school songs are awesome. These songs ... they give me that nostalgic feeling, making me to have those flashback moments at the back of my mind. Looking back at the past and it suddenly makes me feel like, yeah, these memories are made.

And these memories are meant to be kept, and remembered for the rest of our lives.

LOL! I'm actually feeling quite ... sad.
I think I can imagine myself shedding my tears after the finals in this place.
I do not love this place.

I LOVE THE PEOPLE WHOM I MET HERE. People from different walks of life.
People who gave me that friendship bond that I will never ever forget.
People whom I have shared every part of my happiness with.
And that one person who has been in my mind since ... forever.

nichelle xx

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