Thanksgiving

Our time spent in northern California over the week of Thanksgiving good but difficult for me. It probably was easier to spend our time there after the letdown of our failed adoption than it would have been at home, but it was still difficult as my emotions were still raw. While it was relatively easy to stay busy and distracted at least, my heart was not really into the various activities and celebrations, and my mind remained troubled over our failed situation and on how to move forward.

We spent a lot of time with Nate's siblings in the area and their families. Austin had time to play with his cousins at a park almost every day we were there, which he loved! We also visited the Hatchery and the Folsom Zoo with Austin's cousins. The afternoon we went to the zoo was the only day I remembered to bring the camera or bothered to take any pictures. Austin especially loved the train ride on the little train we let him ride just outside of the zoo.

The Folsom Zoo acts as a rescue center for animals as well as a zoo. It is small, but Austin seemed to have fun there.

I wish I had taken more pictures of Austin with his cousins, but I wasn't really into taking lots of pictures, so we only ended up with a few.

Thanksgiving morning we had a big family breakfast since a couple families couldn't be there for dinner. We had egg casseroles, hot chocolate, orange julius, and waffles with lots of different topping options. Later that evening we had a traditional turkey dinner as well, along with pie. The missionaries at with us too. Between meals we cleaned up, prepared dinner, and took the kids to the park to play.

We headed back to Utah first thing Friday morning.

Another Failed Adoption

All our anxious waiting has concluded in a cloud of heartbreaking disappointment once again. As the time of the baby's delivery grew near, no one was able to contact our birth mother. Still, based on her previous patterns of interaction, it was believed that she was likely to contact us a the last minute after she was at the hospital. So, we clung to that hope while battling the desperation and terrible sinking feeling building up inside us.

Thursday morning Nate decided to not go into work. Our minds were focused on one thing, and we listened anxiously for a phone call to bring us news. In attempt to get out and distract ourselves, we returned to the scenic drive we had transversed that previous Sunday. This time we climbed down the cliffs to the rocky beach below. It had looked so beautiful from above, but once we were there we found it less appealing. It was covered with rotting seaweed and buzzing with flies. Still, we walked along and took a few pictures as we waited. And waited. Hoping for good news while it became less and less likely with each passing minute.

Our intense wait came to a close later as we approached Long Beach. A phone call from our emotional social worker, who not long ago went through a similar experience, confirmed our worst fears. Nothing had been heard from our birth mother, and no one had been able to reach her by any means. We were told there was not any reason for us to wait in California any longer, but that we should probably just head home. Overcome with a wave of grief, we weren't sure what to do. I found myself barely able to force myself to respond to the texts of friends and family who were nearly as anxious as us for news. Feeling as though I would drown in the terrible emotions raging inside me, I felt unable to act on much of anything. Not feeling like doing much of anything, we continued to the beach and watched tiny waves roll in across the smooth ripples of sand as we walked barefoot along the water. We stood there trying to process our feelings as we observed the serene world around us: the indistinct cruise ships docked in the harbor, the few scattered people out to enjoy time on the otherwise empty beach, the distant pelicans diving headlong into the water, a sand piper running about in search of food. Through the gray haze we could see some sort of resort built on an island just off the shore. The world around us was distant, unaware of the tragedy and grief we were experiencing.

I don't know how long we stayed at the beach, but the pain stayed with us long after that and remains still. However, we left the next day to head to northern California, where we had plans to meet up with Austin and be with Nate's family for Thanksgiving. Austin had succeeded in being "brave" and flying to California on his own so that we could meet him there. Distracted by the excitement of various events and of being with grandparents, cousins, and other family, his shock and disappointment at the news of our failed adoption was brief when we first told him. However, a week later after we returned home, he broke down in tears at church. And occasionally since I have seen his own sorrow come through amid the otherwise normal activities of our day to day lives.

We all feel the loss. I have found it incredibly difficult every time I go someplace again or doing something again, particularly the first time since being back. Going those places and doing those things that I had envisioned doing with a new baby are now painful without having that baby there. These things remind me of my crushed dreams and unfulfilled anticipations. I have had difficulty thinking much about Christmas activities and traditions I usually love, and what little we have done to decorate has been done half-heartedly. I often feel like I am wading through a viscous sea of emptiness. At other times it is as though I am shrouded in some sort of stupefying fog...I seem to forget to do the most basic things. I have experienced many of the same feelings that I had with our previous failed adoption. Somehow this one has been all the more difficult in many respects though not only because it is the second time this has happened to us this year, but also since it felt like it was so close to working until the last minute. We even made all sorts of plans for it, went out to California for it, had everyone including the social workers believing it was going just fine...just to have the birth mother drop off the face of the earth. Now, just over three weeks later, despite all sorts of efforts to locate her, still no on knows where she is. The social workers believe that something happened last minute that changed everything for her, but no one knows what. And we probably will never know either.

It is so frustrating to become the financial support for a birth mother and to work to support her in whatever other ways possible as well, and then not even receive the decency of her explanation when she fails to place her baby with your family as she had been promising to do for months...when she just disappears with the child that she stated that she didn't have the means or desire to care for herself. It leaves me with a hundred questions and concerns that will probably never be answered or addressed.

It is also so frustrating to have spent so much money, time, and effort on adoption and to still have ultimately not obtained our goal. We now have to start over yet again in our efforts to be matched with a birth mother and then yet again hope and pray that things work out in our favor.

Still, we are trying to move forward and trust that the Lord has a plan for us and our family, even though we don't know or understand what that plan is. I am currently serving as a Primary teacher at church, and this year I have been grateful for the many lessons about early church members and the pioneers who overcome so many seemingly insurmountable obstacles and numerous gut-wrenching griefs. I have been so grateful for their incredible examples of fortitude and enduring faith amid terrible trials. I have also been reminded of the early efforts made by those church members to build the Salt Lake City Temple. They went to so much work to lay that first firestone foundation that they had to bury to hide it from a hostile US army on its way to the area. It must have been incredibly frustrating to those saints when they unburied their work to discover cracks in that stone foundation and come to realize they would have to start over. They had spent four years of time and effort to dig and create that foundation, which must have felt like such a waste to them upon realizing that that foundation would be worthless. However, they did not abandon their efforts, but re-doubled them to create an even better granite foundation, and then to go on and complete a beautiful, holy, and magnificent temple.

And so, just as God indeed had much good in store for those saints who sacrificed and lost so much, I believe God has something in mind for us too. We just don't know what it is yet. And for that matter, though I probably will never know what it is, I believe he also has a plan for those children who we anticipated joining our family but whose futures are now completely out of our hands. God does not forget any of His children.

I also must say that I have been really surprised by the amount of support that has been shown to us by sympathetic friends and family. I am so grateful for the many texts, phone calls, visits, flowers, and other such things that have come our way. Not everyone is so fortunate to have such understanding people in their lives, and these actions have brought us the comfort of knowing that others recognize our heartache and are praying and hoping for the best for us as well.

Waiting

We are currently in the Los Angeles area of California, anxiously awaiting the delivery of our adoptive daughter. We got here last Monday since based on the information we had, we believed it was highly likely that the baby would be born last week. Considering that we were told to expect a preemie baby that had to spend time in the NICU, we have been very surprised that things have not turned out quite differently. Now we are a week away from the due date. Toward the tail end of October, we had been told that there would be a c-section on the 7th of this month. Then that was moved to today. Friday we were informed that the c-section had been moved again, this time to the 16th. So, we continue to wait... At least Nate has been able to work here since he had made prior arrangements to do so. We also feel very blessed that his employer is paying for our hotel, a rental car, and his food.

In the meantime though, we have also tried to see and do a few things in the area. Tuesday evening we visited the L.A. Temple to do sealings. I hadn't been inside since my first trip to the temple when I was 12.

Wednesday last week, I visited the J Paul Getty Museum. I thoroughly enjoyed viewing much of the artwork here. I started with the works of Rembrandt and some old Dutch masters, who created such beautiful and highly detailed works.

An Old Man in Military Costume by Rembrandt

I was certain to stop by the section containing old illuminated manuscripts. It is incredible to see the small pages of these books so highly and precisely decorated with exacting details.

There were plenty of cool sculptures too, like an intriguing bust titled The Vexed Man.

The Vexed Man by Franz Xaver Messerschmidt

Of course I loved the section of European works from the 1800s that followed the academic tradition. These paintings are so incredibly life-like. I recognized three of these paintings that were by Godward, Alma-Tadema, and Bouguereau as being among those brought on loan to the Springville Museum of art for an exhibition there while I was a student.

Portrait of the Marquise de Miramon by James Tissot

Mischief and Repose by John William Godward

Detail in Spring by Lawrence Alma-Tadema

A Young Girl Defending Herself Against Eros
by William Adolphe Bouguereau

An adjoining room held some work by Jacques Louis David. I also enjoyed a highly detailed painting by and artist named Louis-Leopold Bodily.

Portrait of Suzanne Le Peletier de Saint Fargeau
by Jacques Louis David

Detail in Entrance of the Jardin Turc by Louis-Leopold Bodily

After spending most of my time in the art galleries, I decided to walk through the garden while it was still warm and bright outside.

After that, I knew I needed to be heading back to our hotel. However, I dropped by the exhibition of Native American artwork and artifacts very briefly before leaving.

Unfortunately, getting home took me even a little longer than getting there. Although I left to go back to my car at 4:00, I didn't arrive at our room until about 5:30, which is pretty crazy considering that the museum was only about 16 miles away from where we are staying. The traffic around this area can be completely ridiculous, and it has discouraged me from trying to go other places on my own during the day while Nate is at work.

Saturday we went to the Huntington Library. I have memories of going to both the J. Paul Getty Museum and to the Huntington Library as a child, but I particularly remember our trips to the Huntington Library. It is a lot more expensive to visit than it was when I was a child, but I love the acres of botanical gardens here and seeing much of the artwork on display.

We started with the American artwork, where I was happy to see a few paintings by John Sanger Sargent as well a sculpture by Remington.

Next we went through the rose garden, which was beautiful and which smelled wonderful. So many of the roses were in full bloom!

We also went through the herb garden, which is one section I remember spending time in as a child while my dad had my brothers and I smell various herbs growing there. Next we headed to the Japanese Garden, which was my favorite as a child. I loved the Japanese house located here with its movable reed walls that allowed occupants to change the layout of the home whenever desired to suit their needs. I loved the steeply arched bridge, and I was both perplexed and intrigued by the rock garden consisting of raked lines in a stretch of gravel.

More than all of those though, I loved the bonsai trees! I have always loved things intricate, detailed, and miniature, so my love of the bonsai trees naturally seems to follow. It was so fun to see them again.

These bonsai tree were particularly tiny

While in the Japanese Garden we also observed a couple California Scrub-Jays. One was on the hand of a man there who gave it a peanut. The scrub-jay then flew to a nearby tree we were standing by and stashed the peanut into the pine needles.

California Scrub-Jay who has just placed his peanut in the pine needles

We headed back to our car by way of the Chinese Garden so we could grab and eat our lunch. After lunch, we continued to explore. We visited the Huntington's old house that is now filled with European Art. I definitely remember seeing The Blue Boy there as a child.

The Blue Boy by Thomas Gainsborough

That afternoon we also walked by the lily pond and strolled through the tropical, sub-tropical, and desert gardens. We were particularly fascinated by the unique plants we found in the dessert garden, like the cactus from the Andes Mountains that was covered with thorns resembling wool. The dense tangle of thorns completely hid the cactus underneath. These thorns apparently work to insulate the cactus and protect it from the harsh sunlight.

It is rather crazy that it is November and there are all sorts of flowers in bloom here. It is just so different from home. The weather has been comfortable with highs in the 70s almost every day. So much here reminds me of my childhood. I keep seeing plants that I have hardly seen since then, but still remember. In any case, we very much enjoyed all the beautiful flowers in the gardens on Saturday.

We have also tried to take advantage to our close proximity to the coast by heading out to see it a couple times. The ocean sunset is beautiful!

Places like this though also remind me of how crazy it is for people to build their houses so close to the edge of cliffs. I am sure the views are fantastic, but I have never forgotten driving by homes after the Northridge Earthquake and seeing those houses and yards in various stages of falling off steep slopes and cliffs. The spot we are shown in these pictures boasts signs all along the cliff edge warning of the unstability of the area, but the cliff jutting out into the ocean behind us is covered with homes on the edge of this cliff.

Halloween

With a pending adoption on the horizon, and the possibility of the baby coming early, we were unsure if we would be home for Halloween this year. As things turned out though, we were. We enjoyed a Halloween party the Friday before Halloween at my parent's house.

Nate and I just re-used costumes from a different year that we had on hand. However, Austin re-used a Batman cape my brother had as a kid. I added a mask, belt, and shirt to complete his costume. As it turned out, Austin's cousin Abbie also dressed similar, albeit more feminine attire. Her parents dressed as super heroes of sorts too, so all together they made a fun looking team.

We all had fun all carving jack-o-lanterns too.

Well...most of us. Abbie was more interested in some books, and Gram and Gramp were a bit too tired to catch all the carving action...

After we finished off some doughnuts, we watched Hocus Pocus. The last time I saw that movie I was twelve, and I had forgotten how corny it was...

On Halloween itself, we all dressed up again and went trick-or-treating around our neighborhood. Austin had a great time and collected lots of treats.

 

We also carved a jack-o-lantern to leave out for trick-or-treaters coming to our house. We got the pumpkin from my parents who grew carving pumpkins this year. This one turned out looking like two pumpkins that were stuck together. It turned out that that is what they looked like inside too; there was a wall between the two sides. So, we carved separate faces on each side.