Loss

It has been a pretty intense past few days.  My thoughts have been many and that's when I decided it was time to write them down.

Part 1
As most of you know, I am a social worker in my professional life.  I have been in the field for more years than I almost care to admit...just because then people would realize how old I am.  But I hold my field with high esteem and I have the utmost respect for what I do and particularly the people that I work with; those that I try and help. I believe in what I do.

I have also struggled with my choice of career.  As you would guess, it does not pay well.  In fact, it pays significantly less than what public teachers make.  So if that gives you any idea...well then there you go.  I have had many a discussion with my mom trying to balance my passion for what I do and being able to "make it" financially.  This is only compounded when I see my efforts not just unappreciated but my integrity questioned or face verbal abuse from a few of my clients.

I work with the most challenging population of people you would ever meet.  The homeless.  Diverse, intriguing, frustrating, sometimes hopeless, sometimes hoping you will be the one that does not give up on them, fighters, the forgotten, misunderstood... They are people that fascinate me.  People always have.  How people think; why they do what they do.  Some say, "that must be so rewarding" or "you must see so much heartache" Well, yes, I do...and I do not.  One of the most valuable things I have learned along the way is this: you learn to define success with each individual.  That is, what someone may see as an utter failure with an attempt to "help" this person may have a really instrumental element to it.  For instance, someone that I have been working with for three years may end up not being able to stay in their apartment and returns to the homeless shelter.  Fail?  Nah, not at all.  A success. Perhaps the only positive part of this entire experience was that they had someone in their life that respected them as a human being and therefore showed them the dignity of doing what they said; never making a promise that they could not keep.  Believe it or not, that would be a first for many of my clientele.

Part 2
The other day I got a call from a gentleman that I have been working with for over 10 years.  I had just come back from maternity leave with my oldest son when his case was assigned to me.  A middle-aged Vietnam vet with a long history of homelessness. Vets are one of my favorite populations to work with.  Again, some unique challenges but an opportunity to be that one positive person in their life.  This gentleman who I will call Jerry was disenfranchised to say the least.  He had no tolerance for the establishment.  The world had wronged him so many times it was all he could do to not live in the mountains on his own...and he had. But there was one thing that was keeping him from venturing out into the wilderness again - his son.  His son who had recently come back into his life because mom had left.  Jerry had an obligation.  This obligation brought him to Utah with his son to raise.  Jerry's son, who I will also call Leonard, was in fourth grade.  A mischievous boy who was shy, baby-faced, and not quite sure of his father's world.

As it turned out, Jerry had a difficult time balancing what was expected of him from society - regular school attendance, a basic level of hygiene, following rules, socializing, etc.  If Dad had a struggle, it was an epic one for Leonard.  Leonard tried to find a balance between his father's ideas of the world and what he was facing each day at school with teachers and peers living much differently than himself.  Jerry would refuse to allow his son to wear deodorant as Leonard went through puberty; Jerry did not see the need of any sort of clothing from the current decade that youth were wearing; and Jerry certainly didn't acknowledge reaching out for help with his son was suffering from mental illness.  Each year the problems would only compound.

You see, the field of social work has one very pivotal ideal and you will find this in almost any of its areas: client's right to self determination.  And while I subscribe to this ideal in most every way; it does not fair well for many of those client's dependents.

As the years went by and Leonard seemed to fall more and more through the cracks of our society, Jerry became more and more resistant to his Social Worker's requests and offers of assistance.  Leonard was diagnosed with schizophrenia and this came about only because Leonard was diagnosed in jail at the age of 19.

When I received a call from Jerry this past week, I was a little surprised.  Typically, Jerry does not reach out to me.  I contact him and usually I find him intoxicated and must then wade through his inebriation and inappropriate requests to discover the family's current status.  Not this time - Jerry was lucid and started the phone call by saying, "I'm not sure how to tell you this, but Leonard committed suicide."

Some would likely think that I see my fair share of suicide in the population that I serve but his is simply not true.  Most of them are some of the heartiest people you will find.  They are fighters.  Often times, they may fight ineffectively and in a way that is not condoned my most social groups, but in their own way they make it. So while I have had my fair share of clients pass away; not one of them have I lost from suicide.

So after a lengthy conversation with Jerry to help him process the initial loss of his son, he asked me for help. "I need help to get Leonard in the ground. You know I don't have the means to do it and I don't even know where to begin." Remember, Jerry hates the establishment.  Can you imagine reaching out to the Medical Examiner's office and asking if they would help cremate your son?  I learned a great deal in the next three hours I spent on the phone tracking down which mortuary contracts with the county for indigent services and asking the right questions to get the paperwork not only approved, but even initiated.

After several hours, I was ready to process my own feelings surrounding the tragedy.  My supervisor kept asking if I was all right.  Well yeah, I knew I was in shock and I knew that I felt connected to Leonard's feelings of despair to the point that the only option was to leave this life. But who was I really mourning here? And then it came to me, I was mourning the life that Leonard never had.  Just a small part of the life I have had with two parents that have shown unconditional positive regard though out my childhood, adolescence, young adult life and still to this day. What made me deserve a life with parents that didn't just view me as an obligation? I had parents who taught me choices and consequences, respect, resilience, compassion, and other invaluable life skills, who celebrated holidays, family traditions, and personal achievements not to mention provided me with such things as socially-acceptable clothing, braces, and money to spend on a Friday night with friends.

Today I got to take Jerry to the mortuary to coordinate the cremation and the handling of Leonard's remains. I waited to see how Jerry referred to his son so that I could match the same vernacular - son, body, departed, etc.  But I believe Jerry was just as unsure how to refer to Leonard as I was.  So I used the terms that I would use in my own personal life -"Leonard's body", "Leonard will be moved from the Medical Examiner's office to the mortuary", "I can bring you back here to get Leonard's ashes to bring home".  That choice seemed to be the most comfortable one for my client as well.  The day ended up being fairly positive considering what we were trying to accomplish.  We talked about Jerry's beliefs about what happens after this life and if a memorial service offered by the shelter was something that would bring Jerry some closure and peace.  Thankfully, my client was sober and he chose to be completely appropriate with me as well as respectful. It was likely the most positive interaction he and I have ever had.

What a tragedy for this man.  What a tragic life his son led.  Were my past 10 years a failure?  Maybe I was the one person in either of their lives that held on and never made a promise that I could not keep.

Do you realize Halloween is coming?

It feels like just yesterday I had on short sleeves and capri pants...oh wait, it was.  I absolutely adore fall and everything that it brings but it does seem that we were kind of jolted into it {but enough of that because season transition complainers wear me out}.  Anyway, Boy #2, Carter has only been prepping for fall's premiere holiday - Halloween since, oh, I'd say, May.  Which is absolutely okay with me because you'll remember, I'm all about the holiday (sorry Allison).

I've always made Nate wait until October 1 to set up our Halloween village, but I decided this year to let him start in September.  It's a ton of work to get all the wires and everything just right, so why not make the most out of it?  Plus, you've got the Carter factor as well.  We've found that the more enthusiastic Carter feels about a subject, the louder he talks.  Let's just say this kid is not going to need a microphone when it comes to public speaking regarding Halloween.

Of course we've been in discussion about this year's Halloween costumes.  Carter decided (back in May) that he would be none other than his beloved Batman {he did matter-of-factly inform me the other night at dinner that he didn't mind if Batman toots}.  His plans all changed when he went with his cousins to Target and discovered this mask...

Now don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of Edvard Munch as much as the next guy, but what happened to preschoolers wanting to be cute things like this...

or this...

He is certain that the Scream mask/costume will garner him a bucket full of fun size candybars.  Considering that he received unequivocal adoration from candy passer-outers as the cutest chicken they'd ever seen last year, I somehow find this year's choice ill-timed.  What's a mom to do?

Boy #1 was able to find his costume choice on Amazon.

It's master chief from Halo.  It is currently selling for $649 (free shipping).  When I told him that I would NEVER be purchasing this product for him, he was able to track one down for 80 bucks.  I told him to start getting creative with duct tape.

First Day of School

Jameson started 5th grade on August 26th.  He also finished his Halo Mega Blocks project as pictured here.

Here's to a great year!

40 Days & 40 Nights

Or 40 years would be more like it.  Wow.  I've reached a milestone and for better or worse, here I am.  It's somewhat liberating.  It's somewhat unbelievable and I'm pretty sure I still feel like 31.

When I had a total thyroidectomy in April of this year I had no idea that I would feel like a pile of dog pooh. That's putting it nicely and let's just say, family friendly.  I've been achy...in places that have never ached a day in my life...not unmentionable places you sickos.  I have no energy and my metabolism, well I'm pretty sure my deceased grandma's metabolism is likely functioning higher than mine is right now.  I would also complain about the trail of hair that falls out behind me but I just can't because my friend Steph who battled cancer earlier this year and last - well that just seems petty and whiney. So I don't feel myself these days and I've had a lot of stress the past few months as mentioned in my earlier post, but birthdays, they just don't wait for high kicks and perfect lives.

So what's a 40-year old woman to do?  Have a party.  And I'll tell you what, we had a party. A perfectly pretty party at the park.  Complete with piquant nachos and palatable, petite cupcakes!  A special thank you to my sis, Brenda and to my niece, Michelle for their extra hard work. Also, to my Mom for her financial backing (as always Mom).

Thank you too to my sweetie and to all of my family and dear friends that came and celebrated with me.  It was sincerely a lovely evening.

Cupcakes by Liz (thank you E!) and yours truly... and photo bomb compliments of Amy

Neighborhood friends (and notice that glow from Kaylee who is recently engaged)

USU friends

Friend of 28 years!

 Work friends!

More work friends!

My Mom and my nephew, Will

Nieces! With a grandma, a nephew, and a Carter

That they may know to prize the good

Life has been hard as of late.  Like really hard.  Like I-want-to-run-away-sometimes-hard.  I find myself praying very differently than I ever have before.  Asking for a different kind of help; a specific help. Sometimes it's just asking to please help me put aside worries so that I can do the most essential tasks like be a mom whose mind is present for her little boys.  Maybe I am starting to learn to not just ask for the "whole enchilada" things or to take something enormously challenging away in my life. Maybe it's wisdom. Maybe it's exhaustion.  I'm not sure sometimes but I do know that my Heavenly Father is aware of me.  I do know that.

I am constantly reminded of the joy in life.  This helps me to digest the bitter parts.
The following are a few things that have reminded me that my Father in Heaven knows me:

* Summer rain.  The cleansing of those hot days.

* Arms and legs that work and help me swim and do tons of other things that not only do I need to do, but want to do.

* Sitting in the car with my mom and tearing up talking to her.  From the back seat I hear Carter say, "Nina, it's all right.  It's going to be all right."  Yeah, he calls me Nina now.  Like exclusively.

* Knowing that I have people around me that love me.  I can feel their prayers, especially my Mom's prayers.

* A much appreciated raise at work.

* Learning as much, as if not much more than my girls from my Young Women's lessons that I study.

Where did June go?

I know everyone says this, but seriously, I can't believe it is July already.

June brought the end of school (and I am not doing as much summer learning with Jameson as I should be) and then Karate belt advancement!  Jameson received his orange belt and a trophy for perfect attendance.  He's loving it.

Summer has also brought lots of these...

My Big Kahuna with his big kahuna

And then against EVERYTHING I told him, Nate brought home one of these...

So yeah, June has been eventful. Bring on July!

Halfsies

This year we celebrated both boy's half birthdays at the same time. I always believed that if you had a birthday in December you should be rewarded with an honorary mini birthday in June as well, since most December-born people I know have repressed feelings surrounding the issue.

Many give me grief about giving my son a cake and a single present in June. I say if I only have two kids, I can do what I want. And I can do what I want.

My other son's birthday is in April. He doesn't necessarily need a half birthday celebration to aid him in healthy emotional development, but hey, how do you celebrate one without the other. And again, I can do what I want.

Enter half birthday fun.

 Boy #1 received the much anticipated Lego Batmobile

Boy #2, a weed whacker of course!

And if you know this boy at all, you will understand completely why he had to 

sleep with it...and continued to do so for five nights.

Here's to healthy emotional development.