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haha so much for photo blogging. kinda lost the interest in it all all thanks to holiday remedials which ate up pretty much all of my free time during my "holidays".
Probably start blogging again after a-levels...
Gonna start a new blog under a new name : )
Cant bear to delete everything here.
When im bored, i tend to reread my past posts and reminisce of my past and how i use to be.
Then reflect on how much i've grown :) and cringe at the embarassingly abundant gramatical errors in my posts >_<
Anyways, ive been up since 6am, trying to cram for my upcoming common tests : (
Have yet to start on bio and i feel pretty much screwed. But im relying on my remaining H2s and history for As now : ) hopefully it will appear on my result slip.
Bye...for now.

After losing some weight and having a more polished look, I should be feel more happy.Dont get me wrong, i am relatively happy with myself, just not happy with how guys around are. Its like not a single guy would want to talk to me. Most of the time, I would be the one who would initiate the converstaion. Why is that even the case? If i had been my own self, i would not have even socialised with guys at all. These instances makes me question my own adequacy. Am I not pretty enough? Not skinny enough? I mean, i may not have the most pleasant figure, but i am decent looking.Am I that big of a turn off that guys wouldn't even want to have a conversation with me? Thats sad : (
Maybe its an isolated series of events since i havent had the opportunity to socialise with guys outside the people in my school and within my very exclusive social circle.
But I am already turning 18 soon. And although my family isnt encouraging me to get into a relationship anytime soon nor am i in a disposition to do so due to my upcoming a-levels, but it would be nice to have a COUPLE of guy-friends to talk to. : (

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Hehe.. if only i had waited for a few more days then i can offically say that i have not blogged for a year. : D but since im just a few days short, i'd say i have not blogged for ALMOST a year now.
Regardless, apologies to whoever is still reading my blog. I must have kept you bored and waiting but i have my reasons : (
The past year was filled with triumphs, downfalls and setbacks. The most significant of which was the passing of my father on August 28th 2010, 3 weeks before my promotional exams. May he rest in peace. Though, i should've blog my way out of sadness and misery, blogging was the furthest thing from my mind let alone studying for my exams. I lost a very important person in my life and as result, my life was left in shambles. It took me sometime to slowly recover myself and adapt to my new life filled with new sets of obligation and responsibilities which is ironic considering i am the youngest child in the family. Mine was especially difficult and painful as i felt the need to be the emotional pillar of the family. I dont know if that makes sense though. It is like, i CANNOT reveal any feelings of sadness out of fear that it would revoke sad memories in my family members and subsequently lead to a seemingly never-ending outpour of tears and emotions. In fact, I have never cried publicly in front of anyone. Dont know if it is something thati should take pride in. But enough with this sad story. Should talk about my present and future plans.

NOW:
I am currently in my 2nd year of junior college. So that means i am going to take my a-levels this year. Kinda excited and at the same time nervous. Nervous about whether i will do well but excited as i can finally bid goodbye to 12 years of the stressful singapore education system. Not saying that Uni education isnt as difficult, but there is some sense of independence in the learning process while the other encompassess the choking of ridiculous amounts of knowledge into the mind of young teenagers : O

With that said, i MAY not be blogging that frequently but it is better than "disappearing" for a whole year now right? : D

I am just a week away till my one month holidays in june..so.. i may be able to blog sometime. but i dont know if i have ever mentioned it here before..but in JC, or at least my school, the word "holiday" does not exists in my vocabulary. IMO, it is a "facade" to show that we JC students are given a "break" but thats not the case at all. Why? We have exams at the end of the holidays. Joy! >: / but.... it is a good pick-me-up period. I can learn revise at my own pace and not worry about NOT having time to revise beacuse i have to finish my tutorials. in fact, i am 98% done with my a-level syllabus. just 1-2 more chapters left to go. Not bad actually.

Alright, i guess i will end here. I have a General paper common test this coming wednesday and i have yet to revise : O Not. Good.

Bye~ : )

p.s!!
I forgot to add that i finally got a personal camera and.. i am thinking of branching into photoblogging. : D Though my photography skills are just..... : (
BUT, at least there is something to look at other than words.

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The holidays have started as of yesterday.
Had my GP common test on thursday and i admit, it wasn't satisfying at all.
I screwed up my AP which was worth 8marks. Ugh.
On the 3rd and 4th week of june holidays, i will be having my 3h2 common test.
Next friday will be my history common test.
Should've start studying. Ugh.
Another reason to hate myself.

Anyways, i was hoping to get a few more hours of rest before i start studying again.

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Hey wassup. It has been almost a month or two since i last blogged.
Sorry, i could'nt help it. I was pretty busy trying to adapt to JC life.
For me, i guess i am adapting quite well. It is not easy trust me.
Alot of sacrifices has to be made. Your mental and physical well-being has to be taken into consideration when deciding to participate in activities in JC.
For example, recently, i decided to opt out from performing with my former school malay dance group because i would'nt want to risk time for preparing for my exams.
My exams were like a few days before the actual performance and not to mention, there were full-dress and stage rehearsal that would take up alot of time.
Without even thinking fully about it, i said yes.
Eventually, after discussing with my secondary school teacher-in-charge of malay dance.
I guess it made be think deeper about my priorities.
This brings up the fact that when you really want something (good grades in my case), you'd do whatever it takes, even if it sacrificing the thing you like to do eg; Dancing.

It only two years. Just two years.
I really want to get into Medicine.
I really want to get my straight As. (even in malay >_<)

For the past 2 months, i have been slowly trying to get myself to study harder and harder each week. I knew that i could'nt step into mugger-mode after spending the past holidays literally glued to my computer. Slowly.

I really want my As.

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2 March 2010 - 8.07am [Melanie JJ]

Hello girls, this is Melanie from the JJ tennis team. You have been selected in the team! <: i will text you more details tonight! Please go to the noticeboard if you are unsure!

2 March 2010 - 1.06pm [Huimin]

Namira, what class are you in?

2nd March 2010 - 1.30pm [Nami]

S06

2 March 2010 - 1.31pm [Huimin]

You're in tennis! Haha

2nd March 2010 - 2.03pm [Nami]

lol. yea i gt the sms :D

2nd March - 2:14pm [Nami]

hello melanie. Just an enquiry : for those shortlisted for the 2nd trial, do they need to go for training or anything?

2 March 2010 - 2.16pm [Melanie JJ]

Only after the second trials. If you get in <:

2nd March 2010 - 2.06pm [Nami]

They update already?

2nd March 2010 - 2.31pm [Huimin]

Yah, haha. Congrats!!

2nd March - 2.32pm [Nami]

Haha thnx. Didnt expect it :D

2nd March 2010 - 2.37 pm [Huimin]

Haha is it fun?

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2nd March - 2.36pm [Nami]

Heard u gt into tennis too. :D lets got for training together?

2nd March 2010 - 3.29pm [Iman JJ]

Ohh i c ): but we don't go down for tennis trainings yet right? The person that smsed me said not yet.

2nd March 2010 - 3:35pm [Iman JJ]

Oh ic, okkies thanks (: If have training we can go tomorrow(;

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2nd March - 7.09pm [Nami]

Sry to disturb bt for this friday's meeting must i still attend? Cuz even though i played before by i barely have any experience. :(

2nd March 2010 - 7.46pm [Melanie JJ]

Yep. We picked you in the team, which means you are one of the better ones! Many of the j1s don't have experience as well so don't be afraid dearie!

2nd March - 7.55pm [Nami]

haha ok. Paiseh. I misheard that friday was a meeting for experienced players. XD

2nd March 2010 - 7.57pm [Melanie JJ]

Hahah no la don't worry okay! <:

2nd March - 7.57pm [Nami]

:D

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4th March 2010 - 9.35am [Melanie JJ]

Hey j1s. Melanie here!

There will be a short tennis meeting tomorrow after morning assembly!

Please be at the pe porch! See you then! <:

reply!reply!

4th March - 9.59am [Nami]

okay :)

4th March 2010 - 12.57pm [Melanie JJ]

Hello, this is melanie from the tennis team.

Sorry this is a bit rush. But coach wants to see how you play so he wants you girls to come down to the courts tmr at 1pm sharp for another trial. Please bring your rackets. PLEASE REPLY!

4th March - 1.12pm [Nami]

The school tennis courts?

4th March 2010 - 1.13pm [Melanie JJ]

Yeap <: sorry for such a rush notice :/

4th March - 1.13pm [Nami]

Btw another trial meaning if you didn't do well, u cn get kicked out? >_<

4th March 2010 - 1.15pm [Melanie JJ]

Not really cause my coach wants to see the level of your play

4th March - 1.16pm [Nami]

Omg. 0.o scared...

4th March 2010 - 1.16pm [Melanie JJ]

Its okay!don't worry!I saw you play the other time, you're quite okay <:

4th March - 1.17pm [Nami]

bt i missed 3 balls. T.T

4th March 2010 - 1:19pm [Melanie JJ]

Its okay! Its common to miss balls! Don't worry dearie! Just don't let the nerves get the best of you <:

4th March - 1.20pm [Nami]

haha. Okay.:)

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The trials started on 5^th march 2010 at 1pm.

Me and Sam were the first two to be there.

When we entered the courts, Melanie called out me and another girl who was “in the team” as well. She told us to play mini-tennis. I had no idea what that was. We are suppose to do a rally using two quarters of the court. I didn’t control my strength and the ball sped past mid court. My partner couldn’t hit it. When it was my partners turn she kept hitting the ball into the net – I couldn’t hit back. She kept hitting HIGH BALLS out of court – I couldn’t hit.

Melanie then asked us to try and serve. Damn. I haven’t served in a very long time.

First serve, it was a bust. Second, I missed the ball and it landed on my head. Third serve was nice.

How embarrassing. But I TRIED.

Second was a co-ordination test.

We are suppose to hit the balls against our rackets vertically then hit across the net.

I was nervous and hit the ball against the net. I asked if I could try again. The coach gave me a blatant “no”. Then after everyone has finished. He asked if anyone wants a second try. I raised my hand. I hit a perfect ball across the court.

After that, he called us into the shade and started the talk. He was frankly said we were noobs and are incomparable to primary school tennis players. He said primary 3 kids could play mini tennis. He expect me, Siti, who had played before to have a certain level of play. But seriously, I , who had to learn by myself and barely had any chance to practice what I learnt and you expect me to serve. Plus I never played for 3 years. To put in simply, I am inexperienced.

Regardless of which. Iman and Melanie played mini tennis. They did it perfectly. It is because one another could hit serve properly. I would’nt blame my partner. Even if I hit it within half court, she’d hit it back into the net. Iman was excused – she passed. I failed.

To end it off – I am not welcomed into the team anymore. I was deemed not worthy.

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Today turned out to be one of the worst.

I remembered so distinctively how i was glowing in the morning, looking forward to tennis trials. At first i was nervous since i still have to go for "trials" even after i got "accepted into the team". Though the doubts linger in my head, i decided to hold onto the tennis team's captains words: "The coach just wants to see your level of play". I thought it was more of a brief analysis of my so called "skills". As the events of the day unfolds, my nightmare was slowly becoming a reality.
I found out after the tennis "meeting" after morning assembly that only 3 out of the 8 girls in the team have to go for trials. This added fuel to my hunch about the "getting kicked out of the team" idea.

Later on, i found on SAM and other 2nd trial-ers were having their 2nd trial as well.
Hmm..coincidence?

Then during the "trials", the nerves got to me again. How can i help it? Even though i played before, I was never taught under a coach. It was all self-learnt. Even still, i could barely practice what i've studied since i have no one to play with.

With all due respect, the coach was right in saying that we were too inexperienced to join the team. I perfectly understand that. Tennis is NOT an easy sport. I clearly understand that. What hurts is that "my acceptance" into the the team, to me seemed like,"I had potential and could be useful if polished and trained". I did'nt think i'd be chewed up and then spat back out again. I who was "accepted into the team" now is declared "not good enough to train with the team". I can understand that the school only has a competive tennis team. All second-trialers have no ounce of experience at all.Even me.EVERYONE could see that. So why even bother having tryouts for non-experienced players. Why even accept ME (an unexperienced) player into the "Team". Why? I actually thought I had potential. It gave me hope. And to think this hope was easily pulverised into dust within a few hours.

At the end of it all, i was given a choice. The coach offered free beginners tennis lessons on every saturday. And if we improve well enough, we can train on both saturdays and sundays as well until we are good enough to train with the team. seriously, if the team never wanted inexperienced players to begin with, they could've barred non-experienced players from trying out.

i was never needed to begin with.
i was never seen as a member to begin with.
so why put my name on that list and gave me hope?

i can't even described how stoked and happy i was when i received the sms.
and now....this.
i would've been glad to have never received that sms at all.
it would have been less heartbreaking.

You'd probably been thinking,"JUST GO FOR THE FREE TRAININGS AND PROVE YOURSELF WORTHY? STOP COMPLAINING!". But why should i. Inexperienced players (As described by the coach) are lightyears away from being useful to the team. Quote: "Even primary 3 kids can play mini-tennis ( which i screwed up since i have never heard of mini-tennis) and could rally better than you guys (especially me)". Not to mention, there is only a remaining of two spots left which could be easily filled up by next years batch. even if i were to train again, why are the possibilities i (with about 1year of experience) would be chosen in preference? Highly unlikely.

AS such, i would like to preserve the last ounce of whatever integrity and pride i have left. I do not want to fight for a place where i am not needed. Clearly, other clubs could make use of me better .

To think the same events are renacting from 3 years ago: i was eager to learn how to play tennis. My aunt promised to signed me up for a 3month tennis course. She even bought me my silve prince ti-300 tennis racquet. I waited and waited and waited. No news about the tennis lessons. Eventually, my travelling to my cousins house to play tennis was being a heavy burden on my parents who had been driving to my aunts condominium. In addition, my tennis partner, my cousin, got sick and tired of me trying to experiment new tricks that i learnt. Without a partner to play, no support, no encouragment whatsoever, what am i to do? I am also being a burden to my parents. I had NO CHOICE but to quit. I TRIED to establish a tennis cca in yuan ching. I TRIED. but received no support whatsoever from the pe teachers.

Blame my bad luck.

3 years later, i thought i could have a chance at finally playing the sport i have always admired in jc. And then i went through the same series of false hopes and disappointments.

Maybe there was a message god was probably trying to impart onto me: i was never meant to play tennis.

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