Hold me close

Song: I won't be a coward ( SS501)
Mood: On hiatus, when i shouln't be

yupps, this song is gna be my MOTTO!!! RACHEL, HWAITING!!!!

I can't even go, i have been getting smaller from the worries that the people say
i had many days i just wanted to die
i can never stop it now for you
i don't have the golden carriage,
or the heels that are like gems
but trust this,
i never live the way i want to

i will not be a coward,
i will not be afraid
i will not be tired,
even if i face any circumstances, and i only fail
if the breath overfills me, if i get sweaty
i only run towards and only for you

i won't be a coward, i won't be a coward
Won't fall, i won't fall
i won't be a coward, i will not run away
i won't give in, i stand against it even tougher

i won't be malicious, i don't live a malicious life
i won't give up. Giving up is impossible
i won't be a coward, i wil not run away
i won't give in, i stand against it even more like a man
i have to be strong and firm
talk in an honest manner
smile unless necessary,
i will change so that no one notices it

i will not be a coward,
i will not be afraid
i will not be tired, even if i face any circumstances, and only i fail
than anyone else, i will be the first
i run towards and only for you.

i won't be a coward, i won't run away
i won't give in, i will stand against it even tougher.
i won't be malicious, i donlt live a malicious life
i won't give up. giving up is impossible
i won't be a coward, i won't run away.
i won't give in, i stand against it, even more like a man.

reality isn't on my side, but i won't give up
even if everyone will leave me and depart
i won't be malicious, i don't live a malicious life
i won't give up, giving up is impossible
i won't be a coward, i won't run away
i won't give in, i stand against it even more like a man

***********************************
well, the lyrics most of it are true,
but NOT for the man. :D
okay, i've gt a confession. when i was a pokerface, I WAS MALICIOUS!
i thought of using despicable ways to get what i want in life.
evil thoughts raided my mind. cos i thought the evil will make it BIG.
and i wanted to strike it BIG!

mianhae, don't worry. i guess i've changed that.
and yes, 1 week more to me and BABY (SS501) 's birthday!!!!
on that day, i'll give baby his solo song as a tribute.
and i'm starting to lose my depression mode.
Wish me luck to be a happier person. :D

P/S maybe being on a hiatus mode helps. TO BE HAPPY AGAIN!!

Song: Thank You ( SS501: Kim Hyun Joong Digital Solo)
Mood: Relaxing

Song above is dedicated to my classmates. For helping me when I fainted ytd.

Thank you
For being beside me
trembling, when we walk this road together
The awkward " i love you" that i said before you
be happy
i must let you live well

I'm sorry
that you met someone like me
it hurts,
me that lacks so much
i will be by your side till the end
i will protect the beautiful you
i pray that i will not release your hand even when i die
i promise to walk this road with you till the end of time
Even if the day comes to end our intense love
i vow that i will protect our beautiful memories

I'm sorry
that i was unable to treat you better
it hurts,
that this side of me can't be better for you
i will protect you even when it gets hard
i will protect the beautiful you
i pray that i will not release your hand when i die
i promise to walk this road with you till the end of time
even if the day comes to end our intense love
i vow that i will protect our beautiful memories

you are the only one
who can forgive my heart
Although i'm lacking in so many ways
although i can't treat you better
i sincerely want you

even if hard days come,
i will not release the two hands that i'm holding on to till the end of time
even if the day comes to end our intense love
i vow that i will protect our beautiful memories

Thank you
for being beside me

"yes, thank you for being beside me even when i'm lacking in so many ways.
i vow to be a better person and to remove that mask which i once wore. thanks for being a part of me. "

"Mianhae..."

Song: Nameless Memory-- Heo Young Saeng (SS501 Solo)
Mood: Weird& tired

okay, i'm trying my darnest to remove my memory. but it just seems awkward. i mean i promised to be myself- who i rly am. But thr's a problem, i've been too much of a pokerface that i forgot who i was. i need ppl to tell me who i rly am.

here's another prob, i'm hot headed and hot tempered. if thr's a prob, i just show my displeasure without thinking. this i'm trying real hard to change... maybe it runs in the family. All my family members including the extended ones are rather hot tempered. how do i change it?

teach me, guide me.
i need time and thoughts to sort and be who i rly am.

maybe i haven't been praying at all, which is why i fell into evil

Lately, too much unhappinesss. i don't even noe wad to say. family just keeps scolding me, and because thr's something wrong with me, friends are breaking up. sigh,my suicidal thoughts and self- mutilation thoughts are coming up again... someone, kill me pls. u don't even need to think about it.

tired of everything. hard work? vindication? my 10 yrs of feeling hurt? why? maybe, like wad sis says, i'm becoming a manipulator. i wasn't like this before... my beliefs change, to a total diff view point, "to get what u want in life, kill others?!" "to play smart in life, be a pokerface?" is it wad changed me?

I'm going through a very difficult and trying time. please, use ur hearts to listen. To listen to someone who was once badly hurt, and so uses violence and revenge to get she wants in life.

now, my heart feels so heavy. like, thousands of sharps just knifed me through. i'm no longer bleeding, because of the excessive blood that has been shed for the past 10 yrs.

& yes, it is the point where i'm changing into a cold blooded monster. full of past hurt, everyone just tells me to forget about my past to move on to the future. when i speak about it, just kindly think, will u be just like me. sensitive, petty and wadever negative qualities u can think of?

SAVE ME AND FORGIVE MY PAST MISDEEDS.
JUST, FORGIVE ME

TO _____________________________________,

okay, i knew that this's to happen... sigh. should i explain things out here?

fine. i admit. thr are certain things i'm rly unhappy about. but thn, i guess too much of complaining isn't gd right? i try to be friendly in front of you guys, is only to lessen any complaints!!! okay, i'm nt perfect. so, i guess, some things that i do it's my personal preference!!! (tuning frequencies?!) --> it's me as an individual, as a whole!!! i can't change who i am, or who u guys expect me to be.. if i'm naturally quiet, thn i'll be quiet right? u can't force a person to change her character, it's inborn!!!i nnoe, guys are unhappy with my eccentric-ness with korean stuff. like i go gaga about BOF/ SS501?! i fangirl them, anything wrong?!!!! besides, that speaks about who i am.

if u rly wna hear abt my past sad stories, it's okay and i'm cool abt it ( talking to you guys), bt have you thought of what i felt ( i feel that it will make u guys unhappy). besides posers& backstabbers are just the initial stage of my feeling. have you ever wondered? when u stand close tgt talking leaving me out, what's the thought like? People, i'm HUMAN !!! i'm intuitive, i can sense things that are not right!!!!

I SUGGEST, a heart to heart talk w each other... this will lessen the misunderstandings with wad we had with each other. (agreee?)

*********************************************************************************

went for cousin's bithday bbq today. fun fun. all were talking crap for the entire evening. ashley said he gt drunk cos of BANDUNG!!! lol. and thn he said i'm drunk cos of the bdae cake. ROFL.

so we both argued.

oh yes, i had the feeling of a mother for ONCE!!!! i actually carried a baby. i noe, a lot dun believe it. cos i'm quite indifferent to kids. suddenly i like kids, wth is wrong with me?!!!

whalao, today the day was started off so bad...
first, when i came to school , i don't noe wad happened, i suddenly fell damned sick. like REALLY SICKK. so guess wad, one of my lecturers told me to get a mask and cos she didn't have it with her, she called the next lecturer in charge to get a mask which happened to be a doctor..

so rly, i had to wear that mask. at that moment, i actually felt hw the ppl who were sick bt w/o H1N1, had to feel. just SUAY...

AFTER THAT, MY LAPPIE CANT SEEM TO OFF. LIKE RLY WTH!!!
bt thanks to my clique, ( should i mention name?!) -- Peiting, PeiXin, Yvonne, Annie, Si Hui and olivia that helped me. thanks so much. :D

& yes, i promise to take care of myself more. to sleep earlier right?
sorry making u guys worry

okay, this blog feels inactive.... i also feel inactive for the past few days. like i keep dozing off during lectures when i can't do so.. i don't have the mood/ passion to study suddenly. like NOW. u noe why? cos thr's an effing nursing lab test tmr at 5.30 and i don't feel like studying. now, i just feel like facebooking, blogging, msn-ing, listening to music, and seeing hyun joong/ SS501 videos. i wonder why..

oh ya, my sis just took a quiz on which couple she is on WGM. she's the sangchoo/ lettuce couple, that means her shinlang is hyunjoong. LIAR, it's all because of the competition and wad not qn lar. so, obviously, i don't like exercising nor competiting much at sports. in the end, i am the AnBi - Andy & Solbi. hw annoying...

i rly don't noe wad's happening. do u rly dislike me for who i am? bt nvrmind, i don't like it when u do things that make me think that u dislike me... seems like i'm gna go back to square one again by being a pokerface...

rly feels like it.....