Every time I come on here, it's cause I'm feeling tired. It's the same this time around. I am so physically tired and this just makes it worse. Why do you still want to continue to hold me back? I haven't felt this bone tired in such a long time, but tonight just brings it all back once again.

Don't keep claiming that this is a priority when it's clearly not. I can see very well what your priorities are, and I do not want to shove this where it's not wanted. Your words mean nothing to me anymore, not when your actions prove otherwise.

I agreed not to go because you said what I thought was wrong. But I cannot be the same way I was, or do the things I used to do, simply because from what I've seen, it's not worth the effort I used to put in. I know the way I behave makes you feel that I can't be bothered, but I don't know how to make you see that it's not that I don't want to, but that I hate the feeling of being disappointed, especially when it's so irrational. And the biggest disappointment? That you're not who I thought you were. And that is why I told you I don't have any expectations of you anymore, and that you can do whatever you want.

Don't feel like telling me stuff? Sure, but don't say that I don't tell you things, or that I don't ask you things cause I don't know what you want or what I'm allowed to ask, when previously you get annoyed at me for asking too many questions. Only want to meet once in a while? Ok with me but don't expect me to do the asking cause once again, I don't know what exactly you want or what you expect from me. You can't expect me to keep doing the same things when you keep giving a negative response, or have made your preferences clear. I've always said that your choices have repercussions.

I keep saying that I want to make things easy for you, and I truly do. I'm not saying the things I say because I want you to feel guilty, but because those are just whatever happened, and I'm telling you what I feel about them. I'm sorry if they came out wrongly.

I don't feel angry or frustrated anymore. Merely indifferent. And sometimes disappointed I guess. I have to admit that that's the hardest feeling for me to get rid of. I just don't know how to explain it properly to you. I know it really seems like you have to do all the work and I just don't care, but you need to understand that things have changed so much, that at least right now, I truly believe that we can never go back to how we used to be.

I really cannot afford to care any more than you, cause it's really not healthy for me. I am sure you can easily find someone else to do that.

So all I'm asking is, either let me just disappear, or prove that there is still something worth saving. But the latter requires the kind of effort and strength that I honestly doubt you have.

Thanks for killing my blind faith and trust in people, and I'm really sorry if I'm too jaded to see the effort that you're putting in. I would really like this to work out, but I am not sure how to let myself trust in this again.

Changing phones is so very troublesome. ><

I have no idea how I did it previously cause it's such a hassle now! I just want to be done with it so that I can go sleep.

Thank God I took a nap just now, otherwise I would be half dead.

Having cramps now which is also rather inconvenient, in addition to like the aching that is still going on.

Can't wait to go to bed. IDK why I'm still here. Oh wait, the phone. Anyway very sad that I am changing phones. Am I the only person who feels this way? I feel very attached to my current phone. It's been with me through thick and thin. Hahah. And it is still very fast. Even after many drops.

Every time my colleagues hear that I want to stick to iphone, they start going on and on about what a stupid choice it is. Lol. I keep trying to tell them that I don't really care what they think, but for some reason they insist on going on about what a mistake I am making. All I want to do is roll my eyes at them. When they ask why I still want an iphone when Android is so much better, I tell them I simply like it the simplicity and ease of use. Also I cannot stand lag. And the ugly Android interface. I'm sure you can change it (as those colleagues keep impressing upon me how versatile the Android OS is), but I have not seen any android phone with a nice interface. Plus honestly I like how the iphone looks. I guess the only other phone I have seen that can match its looks and has no lag is the Oppo phone. Hahah. But come on lah, does it hurt anyone if I choose to use an iphone?

The usual conversation goes like this.

Colleague: Huh why you want iphone? Apple sucks ok. I tell you, I BOYCOTT APPLE. Use Android lah, Android so much better.

Me: I don't need all the customisation that Android has.

Colleague: You can choose to don't use one so it's ok. You never use Android before so you cannot compare right.

Me: I don't really know how to use Android. Every time I use my dad's phone (an Ace 3), it gives me a headache.

Colleague: Eh how can you compare Apple's flagship phone with an Ace 3? Have to compare with Samsung's flagship phone at least right.

Me: Er I just don't like the OS, not the phone. Even when I use my friend's S4 it lags very badly. Cannot stand it.

Colleague: Try other phones lah? Just don't use Apple already. It sucks ok. I will never use any Apple products.

At this point in time I don't know what to say alr. Hahah. Very rude but I cannot resist rolling my eyes.

I don't understand, why can't I use my phone in peace? I also don't look at their phones and ask them why they spend so much money to buy an ugly phone when they can have a pretty iphone right. Lol. I don't mind them thinking I'm a brainless Apple fanatic or whatever, but please just stop harping on about it.

I'm so looking forward to having my colleagues bash my phone when I get back into office. Usually people are happy for you when you get new things right? But no... I can only imagine what they will say. "Huh seriously why you buy Apple again?" "Told you Apple sucks already why you still buy? Waste money leh!" "Nice meh your phone?".

Seriously, do I care? NO. I'm the one using it, so if I'm happy, then that's that. I don't really care about your views. I don't care how good your phone is, or whatever. And it's not like I like every single thing about iphones. Like how huge this new one is. But I'm happy enough with it.

Bah I don't know why I'm so worked up about this. Probably cause of the cramps. Finally done with the phone.

Anyway, I just dumped in like 40 over Jay Chou songs into my ipod. Totally brings back memories man. Hahah. Listening to some ultra sad song from Bu Bu Jing Xin that Re recommended me. The lyrics are so unbelievably sad. Hahah.

Ok loaded everything into my ipod alr. Gonna go sleep. Gosh it's so late. Gnight world.

Cause I've been counting on nothing
But he keeps giving me his word
And I am tired of hearing myself speak

I just want to be done with this. And I thought I was. I don't know what you are trying to get at, and I am exhausted.

I'm like physically broken now. Lol. Played a netball match yesterday and as a result, I can't really move (or laugh, or breathe) right now. But it was so fun and made me miss netball so much. And I must say I was surprised that I could play the entire thing, although we shortened the quarters and prolonged the breaks. Hahah.

Gotta cut us some slack right? :p But I am amazed that we still have the chemistry we shared, after what, 10 years? Hahah. It's crazy really. We totally just fell back into the familiar rhythm we were used to. I think our coach would have been proud of us.

Anyway, we were playing cause Jul's colleague arranged a surprise netball match for his wife's birthday. It's really one of the sweetest presents I've heard of hahah. Because it's not easy to get together enough people to play a match (you need 14 plus a few subs), and find a venue. And he booked a court in the OCBC Arena. Plus paid for an umpire (which is really not cheap, the rate is like twice my hourly pay?). So I'm very very impressed. Hahah. And I also asked Jul if her colleague has any friends like him. HAHAHAH.

Ok it's time for bed now. I have awesome Christmas presents that I can't wait to put on my (rapidly filling up) table at work! I am so spoiled with a huge cubicle honestly. No idea how I'm going to cope in the future when I go somewhere with a smaller cubicle.

It's near the end of yet another year. Haven't been here in forever, but it still feels like a familiar old friend. Warm and fuzzy. Hahah. Some people putting pen to paper, but to me, the sound of fingers tapping away on a keyboard soothes me more. Besides my handwriting is horrendous. :p

It's Christmas today, and it's been such a nice holiday season. I'm reminded of how wonderful my friends are, and grateful for all the love they've shown me even when I've been undeserving of it. Feel like I've grown closer to a couple of my friends, and it's really nice to have their cozy warmth around me. Hahah.

Work-wise, I feel like I've grown somewhat. More likely to talk back to my boss and disagree, and even higher-ups. HAHAH. I am not sure if that's a good thing. I've also been confirmed (which just means that it's a lot harder to fire me now). I've also taken up more responsibilities, and moved out of my comfort zone. Although sometimes I still make mistakes lah hahah. But my boss is quite chill about it. Which I am really grateful for. Lived through the departure of 2 colleagues, and the arrival of their replacements. Which also means I have people turning to me for guidance, even though I am many years their junior in terms of seniority. Feels so very weird. I miss my senior very much though. He's very patient, and very nurturing, and generally just a really calming presence. He's also a fountain of knowledge, and old emails. Hahah.

I've asked my boss to let me take up different responsibilities next year. Not sure whether I'll be up to the challenge, but I'm game to try. Honestly, I would like to change jobscopes though. Hahah. Had a chat with my director, and he asked if he would lose me to another department. :p Not at the moment I guess, but my senior who got posted to that department says he'll give me a review once he's been there longer. Heh.

So... I guess this year has been quite the year of learning. Which did have its fair share of challenges, but also rewards. :)

Also, I've learnt trust should not be given to some people, no matter how much they claim they are worthy of it. It's in truth a bittersweet lesson, but I'm grateful that it's taught me to never again make the same mistake with anyone else.

I hope I'll continue to learn next year (hopefully the lessons will be more pleasant), and in the many more years to come. :)

And once again... Why do I keep feeling like I messed up somewhere? But I'm not gonna beat myself up over it anymore. I've tried, and that's good enough!

Gonna go dry my hair with my lovely new hairdyer and attempt to go sleep soon.

Cramps, why you like that one? :(

Hopefully I'll be able to sleep by 1, otherwise I'm gonna be in some serious sleep debt. Again.