I wish I knew how my life had reached this point. I feel imprisoned and unhappy and overwhelmed and trapped and sad and like I am tugged in four directions at all times. My family and I moved here two years ago and although it started out okay and things moved along better than hoped for, my world has just seemed to collapse down around and on top of me. Nothing really makes sense. How on earth can I make sense of everything that I have been through in the last three and a half years anyway? D's job loss, then disabilities caused by the job (and the damages it has caused our family in turn), then after a year of his new job, being fired and losing our medical insurance and his income. D's amazing and loved father suddenly dying of a rare cancer only four months after diagnosis. My hit and run car accident where I chased her crazy, sorry speeding car down while on the phone with the police reading off her plate number and my following back injury from it. The non-stop hospitalization-level illnesses that my four year old daughter has had since October of last year and my illnesses caused by being exposed to the emergency rooms full of sick children. My starting college in an effort to get into nursing school so that I can finally be capable of providing a decent living for my children if need be WHILE working part-time and dealing with situations well beyond what I am capable of dealing with in my home life. I am worn down to the emotional bone here. I am not really sure what on earth triggered this down pour of bad luck and unhappiness and illness and financial punches in the face, but I am so deeply worn out already.
I had belief in things once. I believed in love and happiness and success and staying at home with my children and eternal family and so many other concepts that I learned were possible. But here I am in a home that feels so broken and lost and chaotic and I just don't even know up from down anymore. I feel so deeply jaded and embittered by this all. I have tried to put on my happy face, act like I am good to go, strong, hanging in there. Well guess what? I am none of those things. I am falling apart from the inside. I am heart broken and ready for changes that are drastic and hard to make. How much can one woman sacrifice and lose and watch be taken away? How much can one woman go in a day without collapsing in fatigue with still half her to-do list unfinished? Am I alone here? I always envision this world of happy married couples with clean homes and love and faith and moms that are home teaching and cleaning and playing with their children. I despise not being one of them and despise that the closest I come to it is feeling like a poser who mimics those things, but isn't real. I feel like I try to emulate what I THINK is supposed to be happening, but have no real idea about how it really is out there.
I really don't know if things are going to get better for me. But what I do know is that things have to change and so do my beliefs in what is going on in the world. Am I right about those things existing or am I imagining something false? Are the other moms suffering from the same "desperate housewife" syndrome that plagues me by the minute? I especially want to know about other LDS moms. Is your life calm, happy, clean, stay-at-home? Is your marriage as full of love as I imagine? Or are you suffering just like me? Are you lost and overwhelmed and feel like you have failed again every single night before you crash? Because I am there and I feel completely alone. I am not looking for some husband or child bashing session here, just a knowledge of whether I am in an exceptionally unhealthy and out of control world, or if I am in a world that looks a whole lot like someone else's. I need to know. Please.
